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Just a massive MIL rant

89 replies

Salutee · 28/08/2024 12:24

Just wanted to have a massive whinge about MIL who had just left after staying with us for four days

context?
we don’t see her very often as she lives in a different country.
we go to her usually once a year, she comes to us every few years.
I work in heath care and work shifts
my partner works around my shifts
we have one kid who does a lot of extra curricular.
life for us is very busy but we have a schedule that works pretty good but being a stepford wife is not something I can fit into my schedule.
once per week the house gets scrubbed top to bottom and we do a big food shop, we keep on top of the kitchen and bathroom during the week and maybe run a vac if we need to but by no means is the house dirty or untidy by most people’s standards.

when she comes she drives me fucking nuts.
she asks me where all the cleaning products are and basically throws them away and says they are not good and replaces them all with cleaning products she likes, I use generic brand disinfectant for everything and she wants particular branded products.

she throws food away in the fridge that I like, yoghurt, tofu, etc and buys more food that we could ever possibly eat, I’ve had to remove a shelf in my freezer to jigsaw stack all of the meat she has bought. I’m a vegetarian.

she buys a loaf of bread and throws it away three days later because it’s hard now because it’s too cold (I keep bread in the fridge)

she has bought a massive tub of laundry powder that I hate because it’s a really strong smell and now I feel obliged to use it because I hate waste.

she insists on going grocery shopping EVERY. FUCKING. DAY. And she buys the same shit. I have three tubs of butter in my fridge. Not the butter I usually buy of course. Because, of course this is not good butter. My partner picked me up from a horrific night shift in the emergency dept and I could hav cried I was so tired and she insisted that we go shopping on the way back even though I smelt like vomit and death and looked like I’d been smacked with a bag of spanners. I’m walking round the supermarket like a zombie and she is buying CARTONS of eggs

she won’t let me cook, if I open the fridge she literally takes things out of my hands and says she will do it- what do I want. Sit down. I will do it better. If I actually tell her what I want to eat or cook she will just ignore and make something she thinks is best. I like the food that she makes but it’s incredibly fatty/carb heavy and always has meat in it and I feel obliged to eat it.

she brought me a gift of a teapot which is beautiful and lovely and thoughtful but she is saying I have to get rid of my current teapot which (sounds silly) but has enormous sentimental value having travelled round the world with me unscathed. Last time she came she was commenting that one of the matching cups was missing and a saucer was chipped and couldn’t accept that I don’t care about that.

her trip was planned last minute and so we hadn’t a chance to finish decorating the spare room so she had our bedroom while we slept on sofa/pull out. Whilst in our bedroom she has completely reorganised my wardrobes so that it ‘makes sense’ including reorganising and FOLDING MY UNDERWEAR.

it’s like she thinks I’m inadequate or dirty or lazy because the house isn’t pristine all the time or laundry is in a basket at the bottom of the wardrobe waiting to be folded.

I know she means well and wants to be ‘helpful’ but it’s so incredibly invasive and the underwear thing has totally tipped me over the edge I mean what the fuck. Who folds PANTS???? Who folds SOMEONE ELSES PANTS??? Who folds someone else’s pants WITHOUT ASKING

I’ll never say anything because she’s old and we hardly ever see her and she’s already sad because her son is not at home with her - just with some lazy British woman 😂 living in the squalor of home brand disinfectant and budget bog roll.

Rant over thanks for your attention.

OP posts:
Halloumiheaven · 28/08/2024 13:39

This is suffocating, intrusive and unbearable. BUT it's for a short period of time and visits are infrequent..

So for this reason, I'd grit your teeth and only pull her up on things that are non negotiable such as eating food you don't wish to eat. Let her buy all the crappy washing stuff and just bin it or give it away when she's gone. Falling out with someone and playing dominance battles (all be it justified) isn't worth it IMHO when you only have to suffer her for a visit per year - isn't worth the fall out and being cast as the villain.

I'd say different if she lived close by or had heavy involvement in your everyday lives- very important to boundary set and nip any cunty behaviour in the bud.

Pick your battles wisely and keep out of her way as much as is reasonable when she stays. Good luck ! (Ps it isn't you - it IS her)

Apolloneuro · 28/08/2024 13:46

Oh bless your little heart @Salutee thank god she lives in another country 😂

rainbowstardrops · 28/08/2024 13:48

She comes to visit for four days every few years?
Im sorry but this is either a cock and bull story, or you're quite mean and intolerant.
She's only been there for four days and yet she's done big food shops every day. You must have an enormous fridge!
Oh and you're not vegetarian if you eat the meat she cooks. You may try to eat meat free but I can't see any vegetarians that I know that would eat meat to avoid upsetting someone else.
Oh and she came to pick you up from a night shift because she wanted to do (yet another) shop and instead of telling your partner that that was an absolute no, you trudged round the shop instead. Ok.

Blondiebeachbabe · 28/08/2024 13:48

Wow. I'm a MIL, and it wouldn't cross my mind to do any of these things!

We are visiting soon actually. We have rented an apartment nearby. We will see "the kids" when they are free. We will take them out for dinner etc. I'm sure we will have a few meals at their apartment. I'll offer to help however I can with the cooking/clearing away. That's it!

How old is she?

SayDoWhatNow · 28/08/2024 13:50

I think you have to grit your teeth and put up with it. Not that it isn't infuriating and upsetting.

But I think you should cut yourself some slack about the products she buys (butter, washing powder etc). Stick them on olio or offer them free on marketplace and if there's no interest after 24h just bin them. There's no point in continuing to make yourself miserable after the 4 days of torture are over.

GrumpyPanda · 28/08/2024 14:07

Team MIL on not keeping bread in the fridge. That's assuming it's proper, bakery-bought bread.

Can you get her to actually ferment and can some cukes for you? Sure much better than the store bought stuff, and you'll have her energy channeled into a proper project.

MistyMountainTop · 28/08/2024 14:38

Just before she comes.next time, run down your fridge and hide the Lidl cleaning products!

And bread does not go in the fridge 🫣

LittleOwl153 · 28/08/2024 14:47

I suspect the big mistake here was putting her in your bedroom. Before she next visits make sure the guest room is properly functioning and that she has no reason to go into your bedroom.

Maybe stock up the freezer with some better veggie food you and your daughter can eat if need be.

Sunnycolours · 28/08/2024 14:50

what I don’t get about these types of mothers and mother in laws… how do they think you cope when they’re not there. So strange to barge into someone’s house and take over in this way with. Anyway, well done op you are a saint agree with your reasoning but it still sounds hard!

Cheeseeasyplease · 28/08/2024 14:51

I'm sorry but when I got to her folding your underwear I lost it 🤣🤣

AnnieMcFanny · 28/08/2024 14:56

An elderly lady far away from home and everything familiar. I’d try to understand how it must feel. She’s trying to help but can’t do right for doing wrong.

Folding underwear? My ironing lady folds mine.And Ive no problem with anyone else folding my underwear or me folding theirs if we’re under the same roof.

PragmaticWench · 28/08/2024 14:59

Bread in the fridge is all shades of wrong.

Could you find some Crime Scene tape and tape up your underwear drawer next time?!

Tel12 · 28/08/2024 15:04

4 days though?

Cherrysoup · 28/08/2024 15:06

I see you’re trying to be nice/lighthearted, but omg, I’d be done for murder. I would not be eating meat, tolerating her throwing out cleaning products, buying different washing powder (I’m fussy on how my clothes smell) etc. Nor would I be going shopping after a hard shift. Dunno why you’re putting up with this shit. Your Dh can explain why she can’t do/buy stuff/re-organise your drawers (wtaf?!) without offending her. 70 is hardly ancient, she could be coming over for another 20 years! Just no.

elliejjtiny · 28/08/2024 15:13

She sounds like my Mil but worse, you poor thing. My MIL does the judgy thing, moves stuff in my kitchen to "better places". We have various professionals coming round because dc have SEN and she refers to them all as social workers (usually in a loud voice when other people are around) which I find embarrassing. Then when I call her out on it she says it doesn't matter. I'm tempted to refer to her dentist/asthma nurse/whoever as a dementia specialist so she sees what it's like. She also says things like she had to move my bin bags because the "social worker" won't like it if I keep my bin bags where I do. She goes on and on to other relatives about how she helps me so much but I'm not grateful.

It's not easy but you have to be consistent and treat her as you would a toddler who is misbehaving. A lot of "no Thank you Mil, you don't need to do that" and "we've got plenty of food Mil, we don't need to go shopping".

DancingNotDrowning · 28/08/2024 15:25

you’re a good daughter in law and have definitely earned your place in heaven!

it sounds like she is genuinely trying to help so I’d be inclined to grit my teeth and just do your best to get through it.

btw my Eastern European ironing lady irons my knickers into tiny neat packets that she then aligns in little rows in my drawers. I’ve told her it’s unnecessary and not required but she thinks I’m crazy so we now have a mutual truce where I run around before her visits to ensure they’re not left in the laundry room and she gathers up any left over but refrains from reorganising my drawers in their entirety. We both obviously but quietly think the other is mad but it works!

graceinspace999 · 28/08/2024 15:34

She could live to 98 like most of my family especially the horrible nasty ones of which there were many 😳

Remember 70 is young these days and she’ll thrive even more on getting one over you all the time.

I would take all her food and crap - put in a big box and take it to the food bank.

Then tell her you assumed it was for charity since your house is packed with the stuff that you selected and bought.

Cut her knickers in half and say they were obviously too big so you were helping her out.

Don’t worry about falling out. Let her worry about that.

It’s your house - end of.

LifeofBrienne · 28/08/2024 16:45

Westfacing · 28/08/2024 13:33

Four days every few years? You're being very mean towards her.

And you're not really a vegetarian, as you later admitted, so she's not force-feeding you meat.

How on earth is OP being mean? She’s not complained to her MIL, she’s letting off steam on MN. Maybe you would be fine with a house guest chucking out your food and cleaning products and rearranging your clothes including your underwear drawer, but the vast majority of people would be pretty upset.

SensibleSigma · 28/08/2024 16:51

Thank God it’s only 4 days.

When you have notice, run down the fridge so there's less in it- it’s be less frustrating if she can’t throw good things out.

But I do fold my pants 🤣

Happyinarcon · 28/08/2024 16:52

Got to be honest I’d love a guest like this, I’m always on the hunt for good butter and I hate food shopping and clearing out my fridge

ButterCrackers · 28/08/2024 16:57

Give away the washing powder. Take a deep breath. She’s gone home now. Give away the food you can’t eat. Have a take away, feet up and relax.

AnnieMcFanny · 28/08/2024 18:45

Bread in the fridge is all shades of wrong

it’d the best place for it if you live in a hot or humid country. Perhaps the MIL does and she puts it in the fridge out of habit.

coldcallerbaiter · 28/08/2024 18:54

Sounds exactly like my mother, an obsession with cleaning. She means well, it is her own money, so those parts I would let go.

Let her get on with it, go to your bedroom and relax, let dh talk and deal with her.

Put your foot down on making you go anywhere after a shift. You do not have to eat meat just because she prepares it. If she thinks it is dirty in the house, tell her to clean it herself, you work and do not have one for it to be pristine. If she tells you to do anything you aren’t comfortable with, just say no.

She will go home soon and not be back for a while.

Pistachiochiochio · 29/08/2024 13:24

DontBiteTheCat · 28/08/2024 12:27

Oh OP.

You sound like an absolute saint because I would have lost my shit by now. Does your husband not say anything? Most things I could let slide for an easy life, but I wouldn’t tolerate her folding my pants or making you go shopping after a horror shift.

A martyr, not a saint!

OP you need to learn to say "no thanks" or "not for me" or "not now".

And you need to let go of the stuff that doesn't matter- if she wants to buy her own washing powder, let her, and put it on olio/freecycle/leave it in the local launderette when she goes. But you don't have to eat meat, or take her to the supermarket after your shift.

We are going through some family medical shit right now and a relative came to stay to help with the baby and the house. She ironed some stuff that I would never have ironed. But she was trying to be helpful and it made her feel better.

LL1991 · 03/09/2024 14:10

This is madness. The more I read the more my jaw dropped! I would never ever make someone eat meat and I am a big carnivore (grew up on a farm, love the stuff!) but have always accommodated veggie/vegan needs. Cooked different meals for brother-in-law's girlfriend, veggie versions of spag bol, etc. Please, please stand up for yourself on that one.

I feel for you OP, it sounds like she's completely bone headed and won't listen to her son. I hope she's not staying too long!