My child attacks me

[User9090]

Long term poster, but name changed.

I left due to DV several years ago. Ex took me to court for access and got an EOW kind of set up with DS about 1year ago. Since that (DS is 9 nearly 10) there has been a marked decline in behaviour.

Ex is a Disney Dad, the only rule there is there are no rules and DS (I think) has ADHD traits and really needs a routine, so I’m finding behaviour getting worse.

He has always tantrumed very badly, but recently (last 8 months) it’s become violent to me. Yesterday because he couldn’t get his own way (I took his ipad as punishment for something) he went into a 3 hour meltdown, where he broke things in the house, hit me, scared our pets, screamed and demanded he go and live at his dads because I am “a fat lazy cow and a useless mother”

This is not the first time, and nothing stops this. If I walk away he follows me, there is nothing I can do to stop it.

He wants to go to his dads because of losing the iPad, he knows that dad will welcome him with open arms, tell him how mean I am and give him his iPad there, but the whole “I want to live at dads” is becoming a mantra for not getting his own way.

He is due to go and stay at dads on Wednesday, and on one hand he will be crying he doesn’t want to go, he n the other hand kicking me and demanding I take him.

I am at a loss what to do.

I have 4 children and I have never, ever had one of my children physically attack me, wish me dead, call me fat/useless/ugly. I am very concerned that a lot of this is traits that exh has. A lot of what is said to me as a I think said there. My other children are older and despise exh and do not see him, which gives an indication of how he is.

I cannot talk to ex at all, all I get is how it doesn’t happen there so he’s clearly a better parent.
I work with SEN children and none of my techniques work. A restorative conversation after leads to accepting it wasn’t a good way to behave, but then 10 minutes later he’s off again.

The whole house seems to revolve around him. Currently I am nursing a cut face where he threw something in my face. He accepts it was wrong, but rather than apologise is saying “well, when am I going to dads”

Dad is the worst person and last place he needs to be. I’m not calling his bluff because he will go, have a great time and be told how he’s done nothing wrong, he will come home feeling righteous and wronged by me, and then when told no he will step it up. So I’m not taking him there.

I just need to get it off my chest. Nearly every day is like this, it can start over a simple thing (yesterday started over needing to brush teeth) so I can’t even necessarily pinpoint triggers. It could just be waking up.

I am on my knees here. I am terrified that he will go to live there, because that will not work out well for him once dad has “won”

He has had school counselling, but there are no issues at school, he’s bright and pollute and has loads of friends. The issue is here and it’s me, because he’s am the stable parent with rules and boundaries who will not just “give in” to the tantrum.

Personally, would prioritise seeking an ADHD assessment if DS has traits. ADHD meds are really helpful if he does receive a diagnosis. If it is ADHD, would also prioritise finding a child psychologist with a neurodevelopmental specialism, who can work with you on behaviour. If it is neurodevelopmental in origin you may need different strategies.

Is it possible you have trauma and ADHD in the mix, as this can really turbo charge big reactions to perceived threats, criticisms and setbacks? How old is DC? With older children, teen hormones can make things worse, before they settle down.

Apologies if you know all this already. It is overwhelming to live with for the duration it continues, but if you can stay calm, avoid shame and punitive responses, and maintain your relationship, it will get better as his developmental capacity increases.

It may not be ADHD. Some children just don't cope with seeing the other parent and find the change of routine flips them on their head resulting in major behavioural changes. He's at a difficult age on top of this and probably digesting what he's seen and heard before the split too. Could you consider a call to the school nursing team to ask for some further counselling and emotional skills for him?

As an interim give him good quality time when he's well behaved and sanction the violence/bad behaviour. He's lashing out because something internal is unsettled and he doesn't know how to communicate it.

Sorry you're going through this, it sounds so hard.

He’s nearly 10. I left when he was young after a “big” witnesses DV event. He does remember it and I think he is very conflicted because the other children hate exh whereas DS knows he’s a bad person, but still loves him.

DS is unfortunately very manipulative, and will lie if he needs to. This is very strongly a dad trait.

I feel like I am screwing it up because this isn’t a 10 minute tantrum, it’s 2-3 hours of sustained screaming and hitting and it’s very hard to remain calm throughout that. This does not happen at dads, because no demands are made on him, he can eat sweets instead of dinner and the word “no” rarely features, so any attempt to maintain rules here is met with this.

He's allowed to love his dad. As much of a shit he is he's still his dad. Maybe give him permission to love him? Talk to him and give him the language to talk about how he feels, he's ok to be upset and angry but when he feels like that go and kick a ball round the garden type thing.

It also sounds like he's seeking boundaries and testing where he can push you before you reject him (which you obviously won't) reassure him you love him and he's safe and home is home.

I do agree to an extent, but he’s been like this from a very young age. He was the most difficult of my children and these tantrums are similar to what you would see in Asda with your three year old.

I agree, the change of houses does not help. For all his accusations, he prefers it here, where it’s ordered, there are rules etc, dads is very chaotic and he feels being a good parent means undermining any rules and boundaries I have (ie I don’t allow full fat coke, dad will say “well mums rules don’t count here and allow him to drink a whole 2l bottle)

It's worth pursuing a diagnosis then. But he will still need to have these behaviours managed at your home and his father's home.

Please don't sanction him. He needs positive parenting not punishments. You can talk about boundaries when he is reasonably well regulated, and look to reinforce these with natural consequences. Punishing someone who lacks the capacity to make other choices will just damage your relationship.

Therapy can be a godsend to have as a parent when living with this and may create space to deal with any crossover in feelings between your ex and DS.

It depends when you implement the sanction. If you take things away while they're mid meltdown of course it doesn't work, whereas once everyone is calm and you're talking about it and how to manage your emotions/don't hit people a - "you really hurt me so you will be losing Xbox time as a result, I can't let this go without a consequence" can help.

There’s a difference between a meltdown and a tantrum. And strict boundaries with ND often make it worse.

A meltdown is when he becomes dysregulated. Then you take away the thing he chooses to sooth himself with.

This won’t get easier unless you become more flexible.

I am flexible. The iPad was taken as a consequence of not brushing teeth, and ignoring me for the iPad. He knows he gets it back after he’s done what needs doing. He also gets take up time and two choices.

8-10 times it works. Without rules and knowing what he needs to do he spends all his time in a state of chaise.
Rules are already pretty fluid to head off these things

it’s 2-3 hours of sustained screaming and hitting and it’s very hard to remain calm throughout that. What he needs and how to address this depends a lot onwhere this behaviour is coming from and if it's a tantrum or a meltdown. Once the later has started there really isn't any control on the child's part. My oldest DS had this from a young age, uncontrollable violent meltdowns. Ivd been kicked, punched, headbutted. The best solution in the moment for us was removing myself and siblings into a bedroom and closing the door. I used to sit against it because he was quite strong and could push it open otherwise. It meant no one got physically hurt at least. Things have slowly improved. Some things that helped were around making sure he has enough down time, sleep is critical, we talk at other times about it, it's pointless in the moment, we've done a lot of work on emotional regulation. He is Autsitic, things like transitions can be problematic, warnings when we have q0,5, w minutes left of screen time might help ix that's the issue or regular screen time is x-y, routines.

His dad, my ex, has a similar dynamic, DS can do no wrong unlike his siblings. It's an uphill battle already let alone with his dad blaming everyone and everything else for DS hitting out. Focusing on why it's wrong to punch his brother because his brother did something little he didn't like wasn't helpful, but talking about how dangerous it could be as an adult if he kesp creating these reactions and they become automatic has helped. He seems to struggle to differentiate between appropriate and inappropriate responses, i think to him punching isn't any worse than the thing his brother's done, he puts emphasis more on other things and most people don't view it the way he does. I have to find the right way in with DS, explain it in a way he can relate too and understand.

XH has similar nasty things to say about me, which make their way back to me vis DD, because she's hurt by them, not maliciously. DS joins in and sometimes.atarts it which upsets DD more. DS is obviously XH favourite and the only one close to their dad. The worst of it is its creating a rift between him and his siblings, it's harming their relationship.

There may be something behind this, he may be Autistic or have ADHD or he may be struggling to cope. It creates a lot if cognitive dissonance for kids when one of their parent's is nasty about the other and it's not unusual for children to join in the nastiness because seeking that parents approval. It's all very upsetting, frustrating and unbelievably hard,not to mention too much on top of everything else.

Demand avoidance?

Have you tried options? Would you like me to come with you to clean your teeth or would you like to go alone?

If he’s demand avoidant, he’s got 2 quite big demands there. Cleaning teeth and then removal of iPad.

Yes I had thought of demand avoidance. I do 2 choices and take up times, and often use timers, but unfortunately it’s very hit and miss

this suggests his behaviour is more emotion/trauma based than ADHD. Therapy can absolutely help with this.

I can relate to a lot of this. Some of the violence will go to siblings, ie my dad will walk past and he’ll screech “any you, you’re fat and ugly” or he will throw something at them.

Even when it may be dying down he will hit on the sly, I will walk past and he will put his foot out, or he will “accidentally” hit me.
He has several times pushed me at the top of the stairs as I try to remove myself.

So much of this is like his dad, but I don’t think dad is like that when he is there, if anything he’s super great and fun. This is how each was when we were together.

Attempts to talk about this at any point lead to a form of gaslighting. He will rewrite it all so he is the victim, or will have picked up on something I said, or a reaction I had and hones in on that to avoid taking any responsibility for what he did.

I love my son and I’m so worried I am letting him down.

I have no advice but came in to say you aren’t letting him down. It’s all right to not know what to do.

You are here asking for the expertise of mums who have gone through something similar themselves and that shows you are a good mum.

You are the very best mum your son has or will ever have. And your very best is actually being a really good mum.

This sounds so like ADHD,

Blaming others and not taking responsibility. Over reacting to small comments.

I think you should tell him you love him but that this behaviour can't carry on. Call his bluff, let him go and live with his dad. I've a feeling that when push comes to shove he won't want to.

If kids are not able to behave more adaptively, punishing them doesn't help. Natural consequences are different.

Sympathies. I think given his reaction you might need to rethink sanctions. Removing ipad for not brushing teeth seems excessive. I don't think you are going to 'win' using such tactics and it is going to get a lot worse as he gets older. I think you need to encourage him to take responsibility for looking after himself more, and ignore a lot if he doesn't. It may not seem 'right' but given he is a yo-yo child with very different rules/standards in the two homes he must be in a semi-permanent state of anxiety and tension. He is growing up, becoming more independent and needs to find his own path somehow. It is tough but from experience I would suggest that being hard line with sanctions simply does not work with some children.

One thing that helped me in a similar situation was a very very pared down response to certain things.

So the attempt to push at the top of the stairs, or the foot to trip, or when the foot winds back in preparation for a kick- at that moment a short, sharp bellowed NO! Followed by a prolonged stare of disapproval while you stand still.

No further discussion or conversation. All you are doing is laying the boundary

It doesn’t work during meltdowns but it does address the momentary spiteful impulse- the same with the attacks on his sibs.

And agree with a PP. A regular conversation about managing his behaviours because soon he will reach the strength and age where he will have to take responsibility for any damage he does.

He isn't his Dad.

It's understandable that you are hyper vigilant to the possibility that he might have traits in common with his father but that is a lot of anxiety you have bound up in your interactions with him. Is it possible that anxiety is subconsciously communicated to him by the way you react to him?

Fwiw I don't punish minor things in a ten year old like not rushing to clean teeth, and certainly not with a high tariff thing like taking an iPad. I would just say "ok it's up to you, if you don't mind other kids noticing you have bad breath and rotting teeth". I am not going to have a stand up row about that kind of thing. At that kind of age I feel like there's a tipping point where they have a degree of bodily autonomy. I will advise them on what to do, tell them to go get showered as they smell, tell them to clean their teeth, use deodorant etc but I am not fighting them about it. There is a natural consequence based on peers and social acceptance.

You obviously love your son and are not failing him.

But what about YOU in this? He's 10 now. When he's 15 and hurting you what then? He could serious damage you.

Why don't you just let him live with his dad? Sounds like the best solution for everyone