My child attacks me

[User9090]

Long term poster, but name changed.

I left due to DV several years ago. Ex took me to court for access and got an EOW kind of set up with DS about 1year ago. Since that (DS is 9 nearly 10) there has been a marked decline in behaviour.

Ex is a Disney Dad, the only rule there is there are no rules and DS (I think) has ADHD traits and really needs a routine, so I’m finding behaviour getting worse.

He has always tantrumed very badly, but recently (last 8 months) it’s become violent to me. Yesterday because he couldn’t get his own way (I took his ipad as punishment for something) he went into a 3 hour meltdown, where he broke things in the house, hit me, scared our pets, screamed and demanded he go and live at his dads because I am “a fat lazy cow and a useless mother”

This is not the first time, and nothing stops this. If I walk away he follows me, there is nothing I can do to stop it.

He wants to go to his dads because of losing the iPad, he knows that dad will welcome him with open arms, tell him how mean I am and give him his iPad there, but the whole “I want to live at dads” is becoming a mantra for not getting his own way.

He is due to go and stay at dads on Wednesday, and on one hand he will be crying he doesn’t want to go, he n the other hand kicking me and demanding I take him.

I am at a loss what to do.

I have 4 children and I have never, ever had one of my children physically attack me, wish me dead, call me fat/useless/ugly. I am very concerned that a lot of this is traits that exh has. A lot of what is said to me as a I think said there. My other children are older and despise exh and do not see him, which gives an indication of how he is.

I cannot talk to ex at all, all I get is how it doesn’t happen there so he’s clearly a better parent.
I work with SEN children and none of my techniques work. A restorative conversation after leads to accepting it wasn’t a good way to behave, but then 10 minutes later he’s off again.

The whole house seems to revolve around him. Currently I am nursing a cut face where he threw something in my face. He accepts it was wrong, but rather than apologise is saying “well, when am I going to dads”

Dad is the worst person and last place he needs to be. I’m not calling his bluff because he will go, have a great time and be told how he’s done nothing wrong, he will come home feeling righteous and wronged by me, and then when told no he will step it up. So I’m not taking him there.

I just need to get it off my chest. Nearly every day is like this, it can start over a simple thing (yesterday started over needing to brush teeth) so I can’t even necessarily pinpoint triggers. It could just be waking up.

I am on my knees here. I am terrified that he will go to live there, because that will not work out well for him once dad has “won”

He has had school counselling, but there are no issues at school, he’s bright and pollute and has loads of friends. The issue is here and it’s me, because he’s am the stable parent with rules and boundaries who will not just “give in” to the tantrum.

This is shaming language. This will not help a traumatised child. If the child is managing bad language instead of hitting, this may be progress. There are no magic quick fixes.

I really feel for you op

sadly this is often seen with children when there bas been dv even if they have not witnessed it. I think more than anything you need some outside support for your ds and for you to both to engage in (forget asking his dad for support)

he is angry he is hurt and that is taken out on you because it can be you are still there, also sharing this with your ex your ex and your ex gloating he still having some form of control any decent parent would try and help the situation

he may well have ADHD but as you say you are using techniques you have learnt in you work and they are not but may in time but the hurt and anger will still be there unless addressed

Who knows whether or not neurodevelopmental conditions are also in the mix, but some children mask at school resulting in the coke bottle effect at home, where they feel safest.

This is shaming language.
You really need to go back to step one of your thinking here. When your red line is that people should never feel bad about their actions regardless of the damage they wreck on others then you have utterly lost your moral compass, and unwittingly sided with OP's abuser (her ex-Husband) who is instrumentalising their child in her abuse.

At nine, a child knows the difference between right and wrong, they know it is always wrong to call your mother (or anyone) a fat lazy cow (which you are minimising, and in doing so justifying DV against OP).
Fundamentally, the child knows his actions are shameful, (he doesn't want anyone to know), and developing his sense of right and wrong through acknowledging the shame he already feels actually helps him. The way to stop the bad feelings is for him to be equipped to take control of his own feelings and actions. (Not Mummy will be your punchbag as long as necessary- FGS).

He doesn't know that he is being instrumentalised, so OP needs to help him, develop his own moral compass independent of his father. The normal way of doing this is living with the impact of your actions. A parent will guide him through his feelings of rage, helplessness and confusion, and help him practice other ways of dealing with emotions- but the bottom line of "We Don't Abuse People" and "We take responsibility for our words and actions" still stands.

I think your attitude towards shame is hopelessly misguided, and I hope you will take time to interrogate how you have unwittingly ended up feeling virtuous about asking people to be abused so that others might be spared the opportunity of learning the consequences of their behaviour.

I think - just as someone on the outside looking in - you may have 2 issues going on, undiagnosed ADHD or similar, and your DS's reaction to growing up with a violent father, and that man's influence on him now.
I'd be pushing for a diagnosis - a PP mentioned their previously aggressive DS has not been violent towards her now he's taking ADHD meds. If this is a 'root cause' of his behaviour, no amount of therapy/trauma counselling will be truly effective.
I've a DC with autism and know the path to diagnosis isn't always straightforward, but it can help you help the child enormously.

@Irisginger I’m sorry have I missed the part where you need qualifications and to be living with a child who hits you to comment? Plenty of other posters have given similar advice about letting the child go to his dad’s. Is there any reason you’ve taken the time to think oooh I’m
going to single this one comment out and be a bit cunty hehe, as I know better.
I don’t think anyone else mentioned GP/ counselling, things like cahms? I haven’t got direct experience no, but I know someone who does and how difficult it’s been for them to manage and battle with daily, how it affects their job and the child. Sorry I’ll leave you to it, I didn’t realise only @Irisginger was allowed a platform. 🙄 “random pontifications” how pompous.

Violent children, who have lived in violent homes, and may have neurodevelopmental conditions, deserve our compassion, understanding and support to heal. That's how cycles are broken. This is ethical and reflects the neuroscience of trauma. The point is trauma and or neurodiversity affect cognitive functions profoundly. You cannot shame this away.

I have walked this path. Have you?

The child already feels shame. We know that. Shame is a developmentally appropriate response to his own behaviour.

Even if OP moves on from the tantrums, he knows how society views the behaviour he sees from his Dad and which he himself participates in. You can “trauma inform” as much as you like but ask adults who perpetrated DV on their mothers as children whether they still feel shame and the answer is yes.

Compassion? Yes
Understanding? Yes
Support to heal? Yes
but where we differ is in your rejection of standards, boundaries and your frankly disgusting presumption (which you are blind to) that women should agree to be abused.

You can’t give him more boundaries just because his dad doesn’t give any. That’s not how it works. If anything now more than ever you need to be the sensible practical parent.

What is cunty, to use your language, is blaming narratives towards traumatised children from homes with DV, who may also be neurodivergent. This child needs compassion. (I agree about seeking professional support).

Fucking hell- you’re back with another attention seeking derail. Where did I say treat this child with a total lack of compassion. I’ll wait.

The OP wouldn’t be wrong to send the child to his dad’s if it’s affecting the other children and animals in the household. One ND and violent child does not trump everyone else in that household.

Sounds like dad is telling him shit about you, my father tried doing the same to me and my siblings when we were around your son's age.

If he thinks dad is so perfect then send him to live there indefinitely it won't be long before dad shows his true colours and your son comes crawling back to you. I've seen this play out many times

Do you tell him he's acting like a two year old and it's time to grow up? I couldn't deal with that behaviour, allowing a child to hit you and try to trip you down the stairs is not sustainable, sooner or later you will get seriously hurt, if you don't sort it out soon he will be bigger and stronger than you. I think the softly, softly has to go, you need some serious consequences.

Can't see anything attention seeking or derailing there. OP, the SEN boards are refreshingly free of AIBU type posts, and are populated by parents with experience of what you are describing.

I agree I think why not let him go with his dad for a bit and see how that works out.

I think you should carefully read the OP’s last post and ask yourself why you would encourage a mother to enable a child go live with an abuser, when he has already destroyed the relationship between his older daughter and her mother in this way.

@User9090 The attempts to push you down the stairs are actually the action most likely to result in your death. You must take it extremely seriously and put measures in place to prevent your son accidentally killing you. (Or a future partner)
I also think you need to face the gas-lighting, and the bravado head on, but from a place of compassion and support.

He's experienced trauma. You need a trauma therapist for him and you.

The older ones have rejected their father
( Which is fair enough ) but he is having visitation which changes it all.

His body will constantly be in fight or flight from trauma.

Why anyone would suggest a 9 yo boy living full time with an abusive father is beyond me.

OP, I was you. For years as my son has developmental trauma. He's adopted.

No one here unless they have raised a child with trauma will have advice for you.

You need to find an expert.

The good news is this is fixable with a lot of work.

My ds is now 13, and has only hit me once in the last year. He has grown and matured a lot. We have worked with experts for YEARS. This won't be fixed overnight but you'll get there. 💖