Why do some people say terrible, hurtful things when drunk?

[PurpleSky300]

So both of my parents have issues with booze, I've posted a couple of times before about it.

But my DM is different to anybody I know in that she says really, really hurtful things when she's drunk. Mocking people for their weight, hair, baldness, all sorts. She says terrible things about her partner in his presence, eg. he's boring, tight-fisted, lost his looks, can't cook, she'd have someone better if she was 20 years younger, etc, etc. She tells me all my deficiencies (eg. also boring, not trying hard enough to find a man, will have a lonely life, blah blah). Honestly it's like some dark character has burst through her skin and when she's sober, it all disappears. And she'll say "I never said that! I'd never say that..". Her partner is just used to this now and it all rolls off his back, but it bothers me. It makes me think that these thoughts must be floating around in her head all the time, otherwise why would they even surface?

Do you know anyone who is hurtful like this? Why do they do it?

Alcohol loosens our inhibitions, but maybe she has a problem if she keeps acting like this

Yeah the real her is coming out after a slurp.

few people lie when drunk. Most tell their truth. They might be wrong but it’s what they think. It removes the filter, it doesn’t change opinions.

It's her excuse. It's not making her do anything.

Are you living with your parents? If so that's really tough. I'd stay in my room or go out if she's been drinking and plan to move out asap. If you don't live with her, then leave as soon as she starts drinking.

I used to find that when drunk I acted in ways I didn’t recognise so I changed my alcohol habits drastically; I don’t get drunk and 3 is my limit; mostly only 1-2. It took losing a friend through my drinking habits to do it. I don’t know why I acted that way but mainly I know excess alcohol doesn’t agree with me

They say the truth comes out when you're drunk, which I think can be true. But some people are mean drunks and I think that the things they say end up being exaggerated.

Mean drunks just shouldn't drink at all. My dad was one too 😒

Yes, the thoughts are always there in the back of their minds.

Alcohol just lowers their inhibitions and it all comes tumbling out, probably in a much nastier way due to their frustration/anger also coming out.

Unless you live with her, I'd spend as little time in her company as possible and never when she's been drinking.

I don't live with her but I socialise with her and her partner fairly often. Going for meals and things in the daytime, without booze, is fine. When she gets to the point in the night where she's saying this stuff though, her DP just rolls his eyes and books a taxi, and the next day all is forgotten.

That’s not alcohol, that’s her personality.

Sorry, that was so badly written! I meant that the things mean drunks say are what they think when sober but a worse / more exaggerated version. I do think alcohol makes some people a lot meaner

Then only socialise with her in the daytime.

OP I have a family member like this, the majority of our family are NC with her as a result. She has said some truly unforgivable things over the years and cannot control herself past a certain point when drinking.

Yes those thoughts are there all of the time, her mask slips when drinking. I see flashes of it from time to time when sober.

I refuse to be around her if she is drinking, she knows this and I visit her with that understanding.

I also don't give her any personal info which she could use when drunk. Even if I'm not there she enjoys tearing people down and I don't trust her not to do so with whichever drinking buddy she is with.

Honestly, met too many people like this in my life. I just do not tolerate it any more- I won’t see them if they are drinking, end of.

Does she deny it, when challenged? Does she say she can't remember it? That's the hardest part for me, I'm never sure whether I fully believe that she doesn't remember.

My mum was exactly the same OP. She drank wine, and would frequently get to a stage where she would say truly awful and spiteful things, she lost so many friends and family over the years because of her unhinged behaviour when drunk, as a teen I used to dread the sound of the fridge opening in the afternoon and that clink and pouring sound. I absolutely genuinely believe that they don’t remember this behaviour the next day, alcohol really ruins everything and everyone, imagine the improvement of who we would all be and our dynamics together if it never existed.

OP, I was married to one of these people. There were occasions when he'd drink way more than his usual limit, and out would come Mr. Hyde. I'd be told I was an ugly, useless cunt, I was hopeless in bed, we were only together because nobody else would have me. He'd tell me my family were weirdos, mock my mental health issues and my struggles with my weight... Well, you get the picture.

It wasn't often at first, and he was always so remorseful afterwards that I always ended up forgiving him. Later on in the marriage, the drunken abuse ramped up, and the last straw was when he began to mock me about my brother's suicide, telling me that my brother was spineless and a weakling and I wasn't much of a sister for not recognising the signs and stopping him.

I realised then how much he actually despised me. It took me a couple more years, but I Left The Bastard without a backwards glance. And yes, OP, I believe it was his true self which came out with the alcohol. He may well have felt some genuine remorse after the event, but it sure as hell didn't stop him repeating the abuse.

Sorry, that was a bit longer and more of a catharsis than I anticipated, but I don't tell many people in real life.

I’m not sure if it’s that the truth/the true them comes out, I think some people just can’t handle too much booze or it affects them badly. When I was younger, I was terrible, too much drink turned me into a different person-crying, arguing etc, I didn’t know what I was doing or saying. By 24, I decided to never drink more than I could cope with and I could only ever have 3 drinks maybe or stick to my safe drinks-usually spirits. I rarely drink now and haven’t had a bad episode since I was 24, not sure why some people become like that and others become lovely, happy drunks

@PurpleSky300 I think she remembers most of it. But she denies, deflects, minimises, excuses.

A lot of "I didn't do that... but if I did it was because you deserved it/I was provoked" etc.

She doesn't drink every day, but when she does it goes too far every single time. I think it qualifies as alcoholism as it affects her relationships and day to day life in quite a significant way, but she denies there's any issue whatsoever.

I've also believed for a couple of decades that she has a personality disorder which if definitely a factor.

Thank you for sharing, I know that must have been difficult - Mr Hyde is a really good way of putting it. The first thing that often comes to my mind when my Mum starts on her DP is how much nobody would tolerate it / laugh it off if it was the other way around, a man saying this stuff to a woman. It's cruel, it's deliberately hitting below the belt and targeting someone's insecurities and like you say, it gives the impression of deep-seated resentment. Sometimes she torments her DP about his divorce, etc. I am just reflecting on it and thinking that deep down she must have some unhappiness or envy of others and it's coming out in this way.

Next time it happens I would record her tyrant and play it for her when she is sober alongside a serious conversation beforehand

”Mum I know you don’t remember what you say when you are drunk, I’ve teied To bring this up kindly to you before but you refuse to believe me. This is making me not want to be around you when I know you will be drinking. Here is a recording of you at the weekend and I am still so hurt and upset by it”

the shock value might see her wise up

The truth does come out when drunk. I've said things and regretted saying them, but they've always been how I really feel inside.

I think that mean drunks are the bitter, and hurt people. They let all their bitterness out at everyone around them, and lash out.

I know someone like this, and don't have contact with them when they are drinking. And I ignore the shit they say, as its their bitterness and hurt coming out.

I would class this as problem drinking, and would also record like PP suggested. Play back to her when she's sober, and make her accept her behaviour.

I sympathise OP, my mum is the exact same. Drives me bonkers and has really strained my relationship with her, I completely avoid situations where she would be drinking.
Has said a few nasty things to me when drunk and then when confronted sober denies all memory of it. Her partner pays no attention anymore but I just hate it. My brothers ignore it.
She's lovely when she's sober and has a great relationship with my son but I find I have this resentment towards her now I can't shift and I think it's just all that I have bottled up over the years coming to the surface now. I live a good distance away and have a few health issues which are exacerbated by stress, so I don't really get bothered by anything that happens at home anymore which suits me great 😂

It's not always the full truth. I sometimes said things to hurt people as I hated myself so much that I couldn't bear the pain, hence taking it out on others.
There's an awful lot of my life that I don't remember so that part rings true. 🙁