Kids are in bed and I'm reflecting on my life. Where did I go wrong and am I on the right path now?

[Questionqueen]

The kids are in bed and all is quiet and so I really am reflecting on myself and my life.

I've just came out of a very abusive (emotionally, psychologically, mentally and somewhat physically) relationship.

I have a child to one man (we get on great but ended due to infidelity on his part - however we remained good friends for our child) and another young baby with my ex abuser who is now cut off from mine and my children's life due to the abuse. I'm fed up. I've been abused and put down for years and now starting to think was he right. Am I worthless? I'm almost 30 with two children to two different fathers, now single raising both at my mums and dads house on my own. I try to give my kids all I can which I do but honestly I just feel like I mean nothing. I think how can my kids see me as a hero when I'm so broken. How can I fix myself for my children?

I'm back at work next month from maternity leave and I'm also working on a self employment plan on the side, too. I am working hard to try to get back on my feed for my babies. I feel so lonely and the abuse I was put through every day to years being told I'm nothing and the worst of the worst is really taking it's toll.

God I just feel crap. I don't know where I'd be without my kids. They saved me. They give me the motivation to push on through.
As I say, I give them my all yet I feel so little as a person. I hope I'm on the right path to healing😢😔😥

You sound like a hero to me. Getting away from an abuser AND successfully raising your children whilst holding down a career is bloody incredible. You’re a brilliant role model to your kids. You sound like you’re doing an unreal job, and have great support from your parents. Has anything happened today to make you feel this way?

You are a hero, for sure. I’ve raised my kids alone and the biggest thing that has helped me (and it’s taken a long time) is to learn to love myself. To be a best friend to me.
It’s quite complicated to work through but please be very kind to yourself. Treat yourself with love - you deserve it and it will rub off on your babies.

Thank you so much for your kind words.
I just really don't feel great what so ever.

Nothing really has happened, i suppose everything is settling down and hitting me and I just think the years of repeated abuse and insults have sunk in more than I thought. I just feel a failure and I'm nervous for my future having no secure home to provide my kids with as this is my parents home and i feel I have let them down by my stupid life choices.

I'm really struggling to think where I get started with this. Where did you start? X

Well, it wasn't your fault that your first ex cheated on you. At least you didn't just stay with him but massive kudos for remaining on good terms. You have put your child first.
You also managed to walk away from a tosspot which will have massively helped you and your children in the long run. I get that you didn't want to be living back at home raising two children like this, but I bet that your kids are happy and surrounded by love. If your kids are quite young you will be stuck in a bit of a rut with little time to work on yourself. That is the reality. Have you had any CBT for low mood? You can self refer on the NHS.

I would also try writing a list of your positive achievements and attributes and out it on your wall or inside your wardrobe as a reminder. Getting things achieved is also a big mood lifter, so simply writing out a daily schedule can help with mood. Xx

You have done incredibly well to get this far. As far as how you go about being kind to yourself, just treat yourself the way you would treat your children. Would you ever tell them that they weren't good enough, or that they were broken? I doubt it, so start by talking to yourself the way you would talk to them.

In all honesty, for me it was when my alcohol consumption crept up and I sought support for it. But I would consider domestic abuse services too.

A lot of it sounds a bit woo woo, but things like affirmations, gratitude and mindfulness have really changed my outlook and relationship with myself - alongside learning about codependency.

I’ll have a look and see if I can find some resources, but I would say start with actively recognising what is great about you. Make a list.

When I was in your shoes I found it almost impossible, because I was so depressed, but eek out anything you can, because it’s there and you deserve to see it.

Yea this is what I am doing. Stuck in a rut in the evenings. Through the day I just take the kids out to give them as much fun as possible and then at evening I just reflect. What is the CDB X

OP I could have written your post. I have an older DD with my ex and 2 young DS's with my (mentally, emotionally, also somewhat physically) abusive husband who I recently left. I work part time in a not brilliantly paid job and have also been working on some plans for a self employed side hustle. I've been feeling really shitty tonight after finding out my youngest brother earns double what I do in a month and realising I basically have no scope to improve my career while my younger two are still in nursery. I'm 36.

I've also spent years being undermined and put down and told how unstable and unable to cope I am. He completely eroded my self esteem and self worth for years without me even realising. I have my moments where I feel completely worthless and like I've totally fucked up my life and failed. But like PP said, I'm trying to focus on loving and accepting myself, focusing on how much strength and resilience it's taken to take this leap, and trying to have faith that things will improve in the future. I realised that I'm holding onto a lot of shame about my circumstances and how my life has turned out so far, so I'm trying to let go of that.

I don't have all the answers, and I have many, many days where I feel exactly how you describe, but I just wanted to say you're not alone. And you should be proud of yourself for leaving your abusive ex. It's so much easier to stay. Leaving is a really strong and brave thing to do.

Edited to say: counselling has really helped me. I managed to find some which is specific to DV through a local women's centre. They've also referred me to a group course for survivors of domestic abuse which I'm starting next month. Could you look into anything like that? The freedom programme maybe?

This looks quite good, if you can set aside some time in the evening to do some of the exercises, then try and practice them throughout the day.

Like a PP said, try to nurture yourself the way you nurture your children

https://positivepsychology.com/self-love-exercises-worksheets/

Wow we are living very similar events right now.
I hope you are doing okay as can be. It's awful isn't it. The long lasting affects it has are outrageous and really crippling.
I'm glad you know you are also not alone. Bad times can only last so long can't they? 😩

Just feel like for my ex he's always winning and I'm always 10 steps behind in life I don't know if you feel the same with your abuser?

The biggest favour you can do yourself and them now is to focus on your own mental strength. Build a whole and fulfilling life for yourself without another man. You can spend the next 15 years being anything you want to me, giving them great life experiences, building a career and being a brilliant role model.

But to do that you have to break the cycle of getting into relationships with unsuitable men. You need therapy and time to understand yourself and move forward.

Thank you so much xx

I really feel your loneliness and pain OP ♥️..Im sending my love and a virtual hug. Ive done exactly what youve done, but i was 15 years older. You are still very young, you really do have time , a lot of it, to move forward. Going back to work, see that as a positive...to have a little bit of your autonomy back. Have you looked at undertaking the freedom programme? Xxxx btw things will get better. Stay away from relationships atm until youre clear headed. Xxx

I haven't what are the freedom programs? I really want to speak with my GP about counselling but I'm afraid they'd report things to SS although I'm far away from my abuser now x

I have been there too. My self esteem was on the floor. I am in my late 40s and it has taken till now to ‘see’ myself.
Getting rid of those other voices in your head and finding your own is so freeing. I really hope you can find space to do that.

Your GP won’t report to SS. You have done what you need to to safeguard your children. They are there to support you. Maybe that would be a first step?

I work at Womens Aid, we can help you get through this OP. Confidence classes, emotional support, local counseling, freedom programme (youll not have to pay if you go through us) , we can write a letter to support you with housing etc. we dont report anyone to SS...Unless oc theres safeguarding issue. This is not your fault OP. ♥️. I will send freedom programme info in mo xxx

Oh I thought they could still. I absolutely have safeguarded my children. I will contact GP tomorrow I don't want my mental health plummeting when I have my DC to think and focus on x

I have good days and bad days to be honest. Some days I feel really strong and capable and proud of myself for coping after he so successfully convinced me I wouldn't be able to without him. But, like you, I tend to fall apart in the evenings when I start dwelling on things.

How much is feeling like you're 10 steps behind your ex an idea that he's put in your head? Mine loves to subtly put me down and make me question myself, it's so subtle I often don't realise it immediately (and didn't for years!). For example recently, while we were still living under the same roof, he decided to take up going to the gym again, for the first time since DS2 was born. (For context, I've been going to the gym consistently for the past year, have recently trained to be a yoga teacher, and am in a pretty good place fitness wise. But with everything that's been going on, including the summer holidays, I haven't been to the gym for a few weeks). Anyway, after ONE solitary gym session in over 3 years, exH strolls in, looks me up and down scathingly, and says 'have you been going to the gym recently? No? Oh well, you should probably cancel your membership now anyway'.

My point is, I wasn't questioning my fitness or physique or anything until he said that, or particularly worrying about how I was going to find the time or money to keep up with the gym and yoga as a single mum. But I was certainly worrying about all of those things after that comment! And that's how he gets in my head. So I would say, try to separate his voice from your own in your mind. All these critical thoughts you're having about yourself, are they from you? Or are they from him?

Thank you so much 😭 this will help massively. Xxx

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/#:~:text=What%20is%20the%20Freedom%20Programme%3F&text=The%20Programme%20was%20primarily%20designed,how%20to%20use%20this%20resource.

^ this

Your GP won't report you to social services, and even if they did it wouldn't be anything for you to worry about. We've had social services involved twice because of my ex. It's really nothing scary. They're very much there to support you, especially as you've done the right thing getting away from him. Please don't let that stop you from accessing support.