Kids are in bed and I'm reflecting on my life. Where did I go wrong and am I on the right path now?

[Questionqueen]

The kids are in bed and all is quiet and so I really am reflecting on myself and my life.

I've just came out of a very abusive (emotionally, psychologically, mentally and somewhat physically) relationship.

I have a child to one man (we get on great but ended due to infidelity on his part - however we remained good friends for our child) and another young baby with my ex abuser who is now cut off from mine and my children's life due to the abuse. I'm fed up. I've been abused and put down for years and now starting to think was he right. Am I worthless? I'm almost 30 with two children to two different fathers, now single raising both at my mums and dads house on my own. I try to give my kids all I can which I do but honestly I just feel like I mean nothing. I think how can my kids see me as a hero when I'm so broken. How can I fix myself for my children?

I'm back at work next month from maternity leave and I'm also working on a self employment plan on the side, too. I am working hard to try to get back on my feed for my babies. I feel so lonely and the abuse I was put through every day to years being told I'm nothing and the worst of the worst is really taking it's toll.

God I just feel crap. I don't know where I'd be without my kids. They saved me. They give me the motivation to push on through.
As I say, I give them my all yet I feel so little as a person. I hope I'm on the right path to healing😢😔😥

I dont want to ask where you live but if you type in your area and womens aid after it in search engine it will give you your local women's aid centre info, give them a ring. Tell them everything, theyll support you and help you get back on track with your future ♥️ . Well done for getting away from the abuse. You wont realise how strong you are for doing this but you are xxx

Absolutely this OP. Your children are at no risk now. All you have to say to GP is that YOU have come out of DA relationships and would like MH support. You can refer yourself for counseling too...talking therapies OP...search online and apply but definitely see gp, ring us also at womens aid etc xxx

OP Sending so much love your way. I think you’re inspirational. You know your self worth - to be able to walk away from two very very difficult situations and to be able to forgive the infidelity like that, and become good friends with your ex partner - I’m in awe. All of this before you’re even 30!!! You’ve got a lot of internal strength, do not doubt yourself. Your perseverance and strength of character will take you far. You got this!

This is what I read from your post OP:

You have the self worth to know that you deserve better than to be with an abuser. You got out of that situation and that’s massive.

You are a good mum. You worked to develop a good co-parenting relationship with DC1’s despite how hurt you must’ve been by how he treated you. You are protecting both your DC by cutting the abusive ex out of your lives.

You have a strong work ethic and care about doing the best for your family. You have plans for the future. You are still young and you have family support around you. I suspect with all this in place life will look very different for you in 5 years time.

You recognise he has done a number on you and you will need time to build back up. Take whatever help you can. Counselling if you can access it. Be kind to yourself - the worst is behind you and you have so much going for you.

@Emotionalsupporthamster what a lovely post. You're completely right.

Big hugs @Questionqueen, you're 100% strong enough to get through this and thrive

Thank you everyone for your kind words they have really given me some positive feelings tonight.
I've been so scared to seek help because i thought I would be pressured into contacting the police and/or SS taking my kids away like my ex told me they would after telling me I am a good mum but he would report me for whatever he could to get them
Removed from me if he couldn't see them. I didn't crumble though because I was keeping my children safe and if SS did come knocking I knew they'd want to keep my children safe too and that would definitely not be around that man! I'm in a state of anxiety and adrenaline when I think about al he has done and threatened me with.

Thank you so much! Xx

So nice to read the supportive replies on this thread for you op

I think, from what you've said, you're at the start of a long journey. You've made a really positive start but it will take a while to feel the benefit.
It takes time to built yourself back up. You've seen your own value and have left an abusive relationship, that can't have been easy when someone has destroyed your confidence and self worth.
Getting back to work and your self employment plan, along with your kids and the support from your parents are all things that will gradually help you on the road to recovery.
It sounds like you could benefit from some counseling? Someone impartial to talk to could really help you to see things in a new light.
Yes, you've been through a lot of shit but you have so many positive happening and so much to look forward to - and you're still so young!
Take it all one day at a time, it sounds like things are moving in the right direction. You will get there. x

Summer curtains and cushion covers will be washed and the Winter ones will be aired before changing them over. All winter clothes will be aired before being swapped over. One shed still to creosote. Veg beds sorted and covered with seaweed. Everything that can be tied down outside will be done. Sore cupboards filled and a new windup radio bought.

Do not date, just forget about it as an option but do do the freedom programs.

Give yourself a decade to focus on you, your children and your future goals. It seems like forever now but it'll pass in a flash. I wasn't in quite the same situation as you but found myself a single mother from conception.

What do you want to achieve? In my decade I learnt to drive and bought a car, did an OU degree over 6 years, did the Couch 2 5k programme (twice as I didn't stick to it), with my parents help bought a small property, took DD on an abroad holiday, a geology holiday to Dorset and lots of city breaks in between, had a career change, learnt to crochet, developed a love of theatre in DD which is something we still share and is 'our thing' (and also where all my money goes) now she's in her teens.

Your children love you regardless. My mum was in a very abusive marriage before she met my dad and had me and although her life hasn't been easy, gave me an extremely supportive and loving childhood and set me up right for my adult years and I think she's the strongest person I know.

So posted on wrong thread

That made me chuckle haha

You are a hero

Dear OP - sounds like despite everything that has been done to you, you have not just survived but still have ideas and plans.

If you are interested this is the online directory of domestic violence projects. You can search by your area https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/

They also have a "chat" option, a survivor's forum, handbook, etc., see https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Best wishes for you and your children

Firstly, you’re too harsh on yourself. The way society treats single mothers is disgusting. It a hard task being a caring mother! Nothing wrong with living with loving parents.

secondly, I don’t think you should entry another relationship unless you’ve received counselling and any new partners must prove their worth in the form of actions. Do you really need another headache of selfish man again?

finally just concern all your efforts on your career. Take your time, get back to work, network with other like minded business women.

You need to reframe this. You are living an authentic life. You have left an unfaithful guy and then left an abusive guy. You have now found a safe place for you and your children over the short term while you take the time to rebuild. Living true to yourself can be difficult because you don’t compromise on your values even when it means moving into uncertainty.

You should actually be congratulating yourself at the moment for how well you have navigated some of life’s traumas and how well you have protected the kids.

I second the suggestion of the Freedom Programme. The Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Barden is another useful resource.

OP, getting out of the relationship is hard and a massive step. But getting the relationship out of your head is hard too.

You’ll be single for a while, and use that time to recover your self esteem.

Thanks everyone for your really kind words. I have now decided to reach out to woman's aid via phone in the morning. You have really helped put my mind at ease and assured me there is no need to threat when it comes to seeking help. Really, thank you.