If you come from a food-centric culture...

[foodfight]

...but your OH doesn't, and has a highly restrictive diet, how do you deal with visits to family?

My parents come from a very food-centric culture. Food is their way of showing love, and family meals are hugely important with a lot of effort going into them, especially as we only stay with them a few times a year.

DP understands this in theory and always politely complies, but as he didn't grow up this way he finds it all a bit much. This is largely because he has an extremely restrictive diet (very possibly ARFID) and simply can't eat a lot of the things that my parents cook. He has to awkwardly push food around his plate (and eat his own food later), while my parents get hurt and confused as to why he won't eat their food.

I've tried explaining to my parents that he genuinely can't eat many types of food, and that he feels a lot of pressure around family meals as this is not so much of a "thing" in his family. In fairness, my parents have made an effort to understand and be accommodating. However, deep down they really just don't "get it." And while they can cook meat and potatoes for a few days or we sometimes go to a restaurant, it doesn't work so well when we're staying with them for a week.

If anyone was going to write "just say you'll sort yourselves out for dinner," unfortunately this is not really an option... I might as well declare war on my family! Going out to a restaurant one night, fine, but not continually.

Any thoughts? Particularly interested to hear from people who have been in this situation, or in my DP's position.

If anyone was going to write "just say you'll sort yourselves out for dinner," unfortunately this is not really an option... I might as well declare war on my family!

Why? Why is their desire to show their specific type of love and hospitality overriding the comfort of their guest?

You've said he has serious issues with food, so I'm going to take your word for it that he's not just being difficult. So it sounds like it's harder for him to deal with the food than it would be for your parents to just accept that he'll make himself a sandwich separately.

I have some issues with food - not as serious as your DH but there are some common foods I really cannot stomach (due to being physically force fed them as a child). I hate being like this. I hate feeling judged for being "fussy", and I hate the stress of other people cooking for me. I don't want to upset anyone, or be rude, or to get attention. I just want to say "it's my issue, it's not your cooking, but please don't worry about me, I'm perfectly fine not being catered for". It's honestly the thing I dislike most about myself.

Would it work if you offered to cook a meal one day, and then your DH can cook another day? Then that would be two meals taken care of?

If food is how they show love then why not cook him something he can eat? It's not very loving to constantly provide food one of your guests can't eat.

They should cook as normal for everyone else and then do something (loving and thoughtful) for him and cook some plain pasta/a sandwich/a pizza or whatever he can eat.

For his part, he should engage with the social aspect of the meal in full (and offer to cook his bit separately).

How unreasonable would it be for you & DH to take a stack of ready-cooked meals in foil boxes? This should allow you to get it 'done once' with your family - Because DH's food issues prevent him really enjoying the family dinners, we've brought his own food so he can safely join in with us all at table.

I've been in a similar situation but crucially, my family understood once I explained it to them.

It was important to them to make guests feel relaxed and happy, so they'd take their lead from me with regards to which foods to give and how much.

We all find ourselves at times doing things that goes against our natural feelings/culture, in order to accommodate others.

It's give and take and not all about what we necessarily want when it comes to hosting.

@DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace thank you for your thoughtful reply.

The "why" is so hard to explain if you're not from one of "those" cultures - it's not just about the food; it's deeply intertwined with ritual, culture, tradition, and what it means to be a family. I totally get your point about this type of "hospitality" actually being counterproductive to the comfort of the guest, which is what makes it so frustrating, but it's truly hard-wired into my parents (and because they see all their friends and family doing it, it hasn't been challenged until DP came along).

I think a lot of what you said about your own experiences with food, and having to make "excuses" about it, would really resonate with DP. It took me a while to get my head around, but I can really see how it makes life tricky on an interpersonal level.

DP isn't much of a cook, but yes, I could definitely be more proactive myself!

OP this sounds so hard. I don't come from that kind of family but if we eat with in-laws they always make so much effort to accomodate everyone. DS is autistic and we take his safe pizza with us. MIL always makes the items self serve so we can eat dependent on appetite or preferences.

Could the food your parents serve be done like that, with DHs safe food on the table too?

As mother of a ASD teen, my eyes have been fully opened to issues like this and I am so sympathetic to your DH.

Alternatively stay for fewer nights.

Hi OP. I am not from a food-centric culture but live in a country with one and married into a family from there. I do not have the issues your DH has with food, but I do understand some of the tensions that come from the weight of what food and hospitality mean in this culture compared with what I'm used to. I know it can be very hard to try and change any traditions that feel so hard baked, but from what I've read I really don't understand why you and your husband can't offer to cook for the whole family a few times a week. I know you say he's not much of a cook, but peeling a few potatoes will be the compromise he'll have to make to get food he likes; and you can show your love and esteem to your family in the way they understand by serving them food that you've spent a long time over. I'm not sure what culture your parents are from but you can always make a tapas style meal with enough things he'd like, and more exciting things for everyone else.
If your parents have always cooked for you before and you cooking for them is not the way it's been done it will seem awkward to suggest this at first (I know, my DH and I had this issue with my MIL) but if you keep insisting on catering for a couple of days every visit it will become the new normal soon.

@AFlashOfLight thank you, this is really useful insight and advice.

I think the reason we haven't been more proactive about cooking is because my parents really do dominate the kitchen and see it as "theirs" - maybe similar to what you had with your MIL? Funnily enough, now that you mention it, I remember that my parents actually had a similar problem with my grandmother not letting them in the kitchen (unless they were the ones peeling potatoes)!

But you are so right in saying that we need to put our hands up and insist on cooking a few nights a week if we ever want this dynamic to change. A tapas style meal is a great suggestion to start with, this would definitely work - and as you say, it would be a way to reciprocate the love in a language that they understand.

@Imalongtimepostingmum self-serve is actually a great idea too, thank you - we do this sometimes, but I'll suggest to them that we make it standard when DP is here!

@foodfight I did smile at the thought of the generational fight for the kitchen - it's a right of passage! In my case, my MIL wanted to wait on us hand and foot when we went to stay, which sounds lovely but actually I found really uncomfortable. She would never let us get anything for ourselves so I didn't even feel I could make a cup of tea for myself, and she would spent all day slaving in the kitchen cooking us amazing feasts, but that meant she wasn't really spending any time with us - we had young DC who wanted to be outside on the beach so it wasn't practical to stay in the kitchen with her. (It was really different to my family which is a very 'all-pitch-in' vibe and any new boyfriend who's round will get a tea towel shoved at them so they can help drying up!)
But after a while it became unbearable to me and I started insisting more on us cooking and helping out with clear up etc, and now we've managed to get to being allowed to unload the dishwasher, and cooking at least a couple of times in a week - victory! (now the embarrassing thing for me is that my MIL is a much better cook than either me or my DH, and I suspect she would mostly rather eat the food she'd cooked 😅).

Hi OP. Not from a very food centric culture, but do have PiL who are much more ritualistic than I am, which can be a lot (though I have learned to adapt, I do have to mitigate for my kids, who tend to kick back the more pressure is applied...).

I assume your parents would cater for allergies or religious requirements? Or would be kind to a young child who struggled with new foods? Whilst your DH doesn't have those particular restrictions and isn't a child, he is experiencing fear and anxiety around food - ultimately, surely they want him to be relaxed and eat something more than they need him to comply with exactly what they might ideally want him to eat? Serve yourself, cooking something safe and trying to keep things low pressure seems like the way forward.

A bit confused by this question

I come from a south Asian culture - very food centric

but my other half is white and also a very food centric culture

in both - food is about community and showing love and fun

so aren’t most cultures then food -centric? And in all cases, that doesn’t override the wishes of the guest

I'm not from a food centric culture. That implies cooking and eating family meals around the table. We do that at Xmas and maybe once in the summer with my parents.

I eat for fuel not for fun generally and am often watching my weight which removes the fun! DS is autistic so eats alone from choice even on Xmas.

I wouldn't mind have marrying an Italian for the long family lunches of 5 courses with wine!

Cultures exist on a spectrum and individual families within those cultures will vary with their attitude to food. But no, nor all cultures are food-centric in the same way. The UK has a much less food centric culture that the Southern European country in which I live. Coming with this are many other concepts about what food represents (love, regard, tradition, status symbol, family time, heritage etc). So the OPs situation doesn't surprise me at all. It seems easy to say that the culture "doesn't override the wishes of the guest" but when it's so deeply embedded for her parents that being a parent and a host means cooking elaborate meals then it's very hard for them if that seems to be rejected.

Tricky one OP, I know the type of family/culture you mean. I have no suggestions unfortunately!

If you've decided you're ok with his food quirks then really your parents have to accept that. It sounds like they're not hostile to him but simply don't understand?

I would just have a very frank discussion with them "he's very, very picky with food. He only eats x, y and z. He will cook his own meal to eat with us". And then get him to do something easy like pizza or a ready meal so there's not too many cooks in the kitchen or too much extra mess. He should make an effort to try the things that your parents have cooked as well.

You need a substitute dh for these occasions op. I volunteer my services.

I'd explain it to them using back up showing arfid is a thing, it's not just preference.

Then is there something else that could be used to show their hospitality - taking you to cultural places, music, walks in countryside etc?

I am from an Asian food centric culture and tbh it would annoy me if my DH was that picky and it would give me the ick. I know that's very un-PC, but a genuine appreciation and understanding of my family's culture is really important to me and a huge part of that is about food. Turning ones nose up at amazing home cooked cultural food can come across as offensive. I couldn't be arsed to act as the cultural mediator, so I would expect my DH to get over it and eat the food or at least make his own excuses. It's one of two meals every now and then, unless he has medical issues, it's not going to kill him.

@Gooselady agree 😆

Sorry didn't see that you think he has an eating disorder. If he does then can't he just tell them that unless he doesn't want them to know.

Surely "showing love" should also be about accommodating others, especially guests? You've clearly discussed it with them, so I'd expect them to be understanding and either cater appropriately or accept that you'll bring your own food (which isn't a slight, lots of people do that with dietary requirements).

The point of being a "feeding culture" is meant to be because it shows love, hospitality and generosity towards the people you're feeding.

Your family have missed the point entirely if they insist on forcing food and guilt onto a guest who can't enjoy it.

I come from a massive food culture bug part of that culture is an understanding that means sure we love food but also realise not everyone does, why is our way more important than other people's?

It is also offensive to assume someone's culture is better than others

In all honesty, this has been a major issue in my marriage. My family love food. Lots of them run food businesses, they nurture with it, family meal times are loving and important.

When our children were born with autism it prompted some soul-searching about their genetic heritage. I can see now why my husband and MIL eat very restricted, textureless diets. I still struggle with the narrative they have around food, so that it isn't important, and every meal is a snack, eaten standing up in the kitchen, sugar and salt predominate and praising or having an interest in food is seen as weird and uncomfortable.

I don't mind my children's food restrictions, but I won't allow the social aspects of food to be thrown away and for them to be limited by being told social and community rituals are not important. As it happens 1/3 has been fascinated by cooking since he was tiny, so I have one budding chef!

I had some former "friends" uninvite my daughter to their home because she has issues with food which they either didn't understand or took as a personal attack. (We are all from different food-centric cultures). I told them she would have a sandwich in her bag incase she couldn't eat their food because she has issues with food (ARFID but I didn't know this at the time) and always has a sandwich wherever she goes just incase. Also told them I hope she tries the food and she may do so but it's never guaranteed.

Well they took it personally and later made excuses as to why she couldn't come anymore. They kept saying "but it's just this and this, surely she could eat those"...like I was being difficult.

Believe me I wish she could "just eat this and this"! (She's also AuDHD btw. Wasn't diagnosed at the time but now is).

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that this isn't a case of food centric culture but a case of lack of understanding and empathy from your parents, sorry to say. It's not a 'won't' but a 'can't' and the lack of understanding of this difference is the issue.