If you come from a food-centric culture...

[foodfight]

...but your OH doesn't, and has a highly restrictive diet, how do you deal with visits to family?

My parents come from a very food-centric culture. Food is their way of showing love, and family meals are hugely important with a lot of effort going into them, especially as we only stay with them a few times a year.

DP understands this in theory and always politely complies, but as he didn't grow up this way he finds it all a bit much. This is largely because he has an extremely restrictive diet (very possibly ARFID) and simply can't eat a lot of the things that my parents cook. He has to awkwardly push food around his plate (and eat his own food later), while my parents get hurt and confused as to why he won't eat their food.

I've tried explaining to my parents that he genuinely can't eat many types of food, and that he feels a lot of pressure around family meals as this is not so much of a "thing" in his family. In fairness, my parents have made an effort to understand and be accommodating. However, deep down they really just don't "get it." And while they can cook meat and potatoes for a few days or we sometimes go to a restaurant, it doesn't work so well when we're staying with them for a week.

If anyone was going to write "just say you'll sort yourselves out for dinner," unfortunately this is not really an option... I might as well declare war on my family! Going out to a restaurant one night, fine, but not continually.

Any thoughts? Particularly interested to hear from people who have been in this situation, or in my DP's position.

@Gooselady I am also from a food centric Asian culture. My brother tests people by offering fried chickens feet, DH ate them I remember.

DS GF was too polite to say she wasn’t keen on some aspects of my cooking. Now we know her well she felt confident to mention she doesn’t like ginger. Of course I had chucked ginger as a base in to many dinners I cooked so now I just do her a pan of the same without ginger.

I mean I am fine to accommodate but my brother would not be. MIL is very much a meat and two veg, won’t touch rice or noodles. So now when she stays I will do a baked spud for her as it’s no bother, cook salmon with just lemon on, prep veg and just chuck hers in a pan of water to boil while I stir fry ours with spices and then our salmon gets a sauce on it. So I accommodate and do dinners that cross over often. It was DS who had enough and said he found it depressing when Granny was here beside of her style of food all week. He actually decided not to join the RAF because he stayed on some military bases when in cadets and is too used to Chinese food though he is as white as he is Chinese as his Dad is English. We do eat English food like roast dinners and other foods like pasta sometimes but not often.

@CharSiu my in-laws were very impressed when I ate the chicken feet they ordered! Especially as my DH and BILs don't like them 😂

It wouldn't kill your family to be gracious and understanding of their hosts individual needs either.

It works both ways.

I am from a food centric culture and in this case there would always be something on the table DH could eat. I wouldn't stop making my traditional food generally, though. I wouldn't change the whole menu, but for me it's poor hospitality if someone goes away hungry and not because they were unexpectedly fussy or rude. If I already know someone has a limited range then I need to make sure I have something appropriate sorted.

Depending on their exact reaction this might have killed the relationship from the start, but if it's lasted this long, then I am assuming he is fundamentally polite.

Sorry, I haven't disappeared, it's just been a busy day. Thank you for all your feedback, especially those with constructive ideas and who have been through similar (either on my parents' side or DP's). I will reply properly soon!

DH is not as rigid as your DH, but still finds some my traditional foods difficult to handle. We encouraged laying out foods for self service and there always being a couple of plainer/western style foods amongst the rest. He makes all the right noises, tries (or pretends to try) the avant garde and praises the cooking fulsomely. Digestive issues due to travel were always accepted if it was noticed he had eaten less, and often this led to bread or milk/eggs being offered to the invalid. We always had secret food in our suitcase. We’re never allowed near the kitchen except to chat while the host is cooking. There is a strict host/guest hierarchy - I still find it uncomfortable to help with clearing up at someone’s house in the UK, but obviously overcome it!