Help me unpick who (if anyone) is unreasonable in this family issue?

[Barrenfieldoffucks]

This is so.minor it almost isn't worth asking, but I do have ADHD and massive rejection sensitive dysphoria as a result...so it is always worth me checking my reactions.

My parents are selling something expensive...say a caravan. It is a particular size and sleeps a particular number of people.

We are in the market to buy something similar. Theirs is about 3 times the price we were looking to spend, and not quite what we/DH had in mind so we didn't approach them about it.

He has since found one we want, and bought it. Told my parents excitedly on our group chat, and just got a "You could have had ours..." in response, and they have blanked us since. Normal response to my mind would be "Ah, how exciting! What fun, congratulations". Or whatever.

I said as much to my mum (gently), and she is ignoring me too.

Now, on the one hand, I wonder if they're thinking it would have helped them out if we had have bought it, as they would have not had the ongoing storage fees, would have had the cash etc . Worth saying they are better off than we are. Maybe feel we are 'snubbing' their caravan?

On the other, it wasn't what DH wanted, was a lot more than we wanted to spend...and if they had have offered to give it to us, it makes for an awkward ongoing dynamic around it. (Family dynamics can be weird.) Dh's point is that as independent adults we can choose what to spend our money on, much as they can, and even if they were feeling that we 'should' have bought it/had it, they should respect that and be polite etc.

I am very aware that I carry a lot of overthinking when it comes to my family, so I don't know who, if anyone is potentially in the wrong here?

They are . Twice.

First for not asking you if you're interested, and then ghosting you because you bought a different one. It's childish and petty.

Oh them, definitely. You can spend your money on whatever you want and are sensible to not overspend.
Perhaps say... Your silence tells me you potentially have hurt feelings over this. We couldn't afford your caravan and its not quite what we wanted, so better that you sell it on to someone else and get full value and we spend substantially less on the perfect caravan for us, don't you think? I'm sorry if we've caused offence, it wasn't intentional. Take care.
Then if take some time out and not contact again so I could put it out of my mind.

Your parents are 100% in the wrong. Their reaction to you buying another caravan is absolutely ridiculous.

Did they know you were looking at buying a 'caravan'?

Did they offer to let you have theirs before or after you bought yours?

If they knew you were looking for a 'caravan' and offered you theirs, at a price you were willing to pay and you still went out and bought your own.. then i can understand why they are currently a bit miffed.

I assume you never had a conversation with your parents about buying your own 'caravan' while they were selling theirs?

I can see it a bit from both sides

But they aren't just a bit miffed are they? Both her parents are ignoring OP.

Plus, you don't owe anyone(even your parents) your custom, especially when what they're selling is not what you want/need.

If they knew you were looking for a ‘caravan’ they could have asked if you’d be interested in theirs.

When you told them about your new caravan, they should have been happy for you.

The most diplomatic response from you would be: “Your caravan is lovely but we aren’t in a position to spend anywhere near that much”.

Make it about the money not the difference in style.

They are BU - if it isn’t suitable, that’s perfectly ok.

Can’t you just say….Would have loved yours but it was far more than we could afford. This one was only £X thousand.

I can see it from both sides, if they had trouble selling the item and found out you bought one without showing interest in theirs they could be justified in being angry. However they are being ridiculous in ignoring you. If they weren't being so childish they would find out it's not exactly what you wanted so they are two different situations and products. Its likely they didn't offer as they assumed you weren't in the market for one, so I can understand that oversight. Knowing they were selling something, out of courtesy you or Dh should have mentioned to them that you were looking to buy but unfortunately their product wasn't the right match. If only to avoid this exact situation. If I'm honest that's what I would do with a family member.

Hopefully just a storm in a teacup. I hope they stop ignoring you. To keep peace I think apologise for not keeping them in the loop and hopefully that will give you the opportunity to explain why you did what you did.

Came on to say this.

What did you reply to your DM ? Surely you would have said something like...." lovely thought but it's too big for our needs & more than we were looking to spend"

Use you words. So if you haven't replied then YABU.

It's an odd one. It makes no odds anyway calling it a caravan, so for clarity it is actually a boat/small yacht. Price difference is £3k Vs £12k list price. They're quite personal things bizarrely, and both DH and my dad are keen and experienced sailors who have likes and dislikes. DH struggles a little with my dad, who is a tad overbearing and particularly around boats etc, assumes the role of the boss who knows best and DH can feel quite overruled by him. They have sailed together on dad's boat. So I think even if dad's boat had been perfect DH may have felt that it was always his. Buying a boat from someone you know is oddly awkward cause when you inevitably complain about something or make changes you feel uncomfortable saying so.

They also sail very differently etc, and there are aspects of the one we have bought that in his experience, DH much prefers.

They knew we were always keeping an eye out, we knew they were selling.

Justified in being angry? A bit miffed maybe, but not angry.

I can see both sides here, although you and DH are definitely more in the right.
I would post a few pictures on the group chat and say something like "Obviously it's not as grand as yours, but was the right price and condition for us so we're very happy with it" and they can read between the lines. Maybe they don't realise what you got was much cheaper.

First post nails it.

Also decent parents don't start ghosting/ignoring their adult children regarding things like this, it's weird.

Huge price difference then, and that’s your excuse. Say ‘Ooh I wish, ours cost just over 2k, I’d have to sell a kidney to raise £12k for yours. Maybe one day!’

Did they say "You could have had ours" or "You could have bought ours" because I personally would see those as very different things.

ah so not a 'caravan' then... sounds like theres more too this. not sure why you used the term caravan in the first place? people by boats all the time..

they are being unreasonable, its not their business

It seems odd to me that you would be planning to buy a boat and not to have at least mentioned it to your parents if they are also boat people.

So I'm guessing there is a strained family dynamic here?
You didn't tell them because you thought you would get a negative reaction or they would try to take over or something?
And the fact they've reacted to giving you the silent treatment backs this up.

I would suspect this is not the first time they've behaved like this?

I would suggest stop trying to make sense of it and impose some boundaries.
If they want to ignore you, then let them.

Yeah, it's not unusual, I think I knew it would pan out like this, just always a disappointment to be right. They knew DH was looking, he's always looking, likewise we knew they were selling.

OP says they knew, helps to read her posts.

Your parents are incredibly in the wrong, how emotionally immature to stop talking to you. They are surely aware that you didn’t want theirs or want to spend 4x what you did.

It's not you 💐

It's fortunate that there's such a discrepancy in price so you can just point to that as a reason. I imagine your DH would be miserable had you felt you needed to buy their boat - it would never have really felt like yours.

I think that's it, it wouldn't have felt like ours, and my dad can be overwhelming anyway, in a quiet, passive aggressive way.

I think I'm conditioned to feel guilty at any upset, so I feel.sorry for them that they still have their boat when they want to sell. Even though I know that logically, that doesn't mean we have to have something not quite suitable, and I know that they can afford to keep it until it sells...they're not desperate or whatever.

Apparently I created 2 threads by mistake, so for full info, I did say this on the other one:

"I messaged directly and just said "we couldn't have afforded yours, so it was better that you go the full value for it and we got something of our own. Sorry if we offended, it wasn't intentional".

She has replied now, saying "it's just such a shame, we would have reduced the price or probably just given her to you, but it's done now and I'm sure you'll enjoy it".

I've left it that I know they would have done, which is kind, but that it always would have felt like dad's boat, and we wanted something slightly different anyway.

DH has pointed out that were my sister to have done the same thing they'd have been full of excitement for her and would never have dared react like this, which has put it in perspective for me! 😂"

DH sounds like a good egg 😃