How to get a life at aged 45

[Monkeybusiness123]

I am very embarrassed to say after a very recent break up with a long term partner that has left me heart broken I have realised I have pretty much zero life outside of him.
It hasn’t always been this way but over the years I’ve lost touch with people and become quite the homebody.
My life is work, being a mum and was ex partner.

I feel like my self esteem is very low and I want to work on that and also need distractions from my recent breakup, but how?

I am self employed and don’t meet people through work expect my clients who can’t become friends.

I don’t even really feel like I have an interest in something that I could take up as a hobby which feels quite sad and pathetic.

Can anyone offer advice? Would a gym or exercise classes be a way to meet friends? I’ve never done anything like that before.

Feel a bit lost with it all to be honest

It’s hard starting again, especially if you didn’t want the break up, but it’s really never too late to make new friends and find things you love.

Exercise class is a great idea. In general the advice I’ve heard is to do anything at all regularly. Over time you’ll see the same people and can start with small talk and move on from there. Even going to the same coffee shop at a regular time each week. It is surprising how much even little acquaintances can give a sense of belonging. If there’s a shared interest it’s easier to progress from acquaintances to actual
friends.

If you are even slightly friendly with your kids friends parents then try building those relationships.

bumble for friends - it feels a bit odd essentially doing online dating for friends but in my experience it’s much more enjoyable than normal OLD and I’ve met a couple of lovey people that way when starting in a new city.

Meetup is also good, at least if you’re in a city.

Volunteering?

How much child free time will you have?

Thank you for replying.

I think I’m also struggling to settle on choosing something like an exercise class because of lacking on confidence in able to take part and worry of looking silly.

I will have a fair amount of childfree time because my children are teenagers so can be left alone a few hours of an evening and are out doing their own things usually at the weekend anyway.

I had heard about the Bumble for friends type apps thing but seems so strange and again lacking in confidence puts me off trying.

I need to give myself a kick up the arse I think to try these things! Quite difficult when in the crying your eyes out stage of a break up 🙈

You don't need to rush into this, it can be gradual change

Focus on building connections rather than friendship and then hopefully in time some friendships will come but you won't feel as pressured in those first months

Can you volunteer? I find that a great way to get to know people?
Or business networking?

I have never found gym classes a great way to meet people but volunteering has worked really well for me

And I have friends who have made great friends through singles holidays/meet ups

Remember the other person on a Bumble type app will also be nervous but keen to meet new people - that's why they are on there!

Accept you lack confidence but do things anyway. You have to otherwise nothing will change. My cousin died at 48 and it was like someone smacked me around the face with realisation that time doesn't wait and I needed to do things now.

Martial arts classes are great. Women's kickboxing classes? You'll make friends quickly there.

I started to write the day my cousin received a diagnosis and now I can't stop. You can join online groups and make online friends which can develop. Easy to fit around work and family.

Do you have any hobbies you used to love that you could rekindle an interest in?

Or set your self a challenge to try something new each month and just enjoy the adventure of trying new things!

Volunteering could be a possibility, not sure what though. I think because I’m feeling so low right now it’s hard to even think about what might be of interest to me and also that I’m a boring person that would no one would be interested in getting to know anyway.
what a sad state of affairs to be in

Does your job lend itself to networking? I wfh and meet up with others in same field now and again for coffee.

Exercise is good. Or pick a skill you've always wanted to learn and pursue it.

Remember it takes time to develop friendships, a couple of years often until you're properly established. If people aren't that warm, don't take it personally - they're often just too busy or have other shit going on rather than rejecting you.

Creative classes like choir or art can be good.

My job is sadly very solitary. No networking. Just me and individual changing clients with strict professional boundaries.

It seems quite a mammoth lengthy task, I don’t remember it being this difficult when I was younger!

You are experiencing a huge trauma. It’s wildly overwhelming to try and overhaul your entire lifestyle all at once. So think smaller - smaller than that. A little bit smaller. Now you’re getting it.

Even if you don’t have any hobbies, there will be something that sounds a little bit fun to you. Cinema? Gardening? Food tasting? Travel? Local festival? Watercolours? Start with what makes your heart perk up a little bit and build the social stuff around it.

Volunteer to help with something at your kids’ schools. Volunteer for a charity that does something you truly care about. Don’t force yourself to do something that doesn’t sound good.

And most of all, take your time. You are grieving the death of a relationship, and the death of a future you thought you would have. It’s real grief, and there’s no expiration date on how long it takes to process.

You will slowly find yourself again. And I promise that two years from now, you’ll be amazed and how much progress you’ve made.

Thank you for all these replies. It’s so kind and helpful.

I think I also have the added difficulty right now of thinking, I didn’t want this break up, I was happy with my life, this is unfair that I have to make all this effort!

Goodness I sound such a moaning Minnie

You're not moaning, you're going through something really hard.

Get pen and paper and write out what you want in your life - anything from well organized kitchen cupboards to achieving career success to visiting Japan. Sketch it all out. Think how you'd like your life to be in five years time.

The end of the relationship gives you opportunities to do stuff you've always wanted to do (eg ex hated walking holidays, now you get to do them) but also to take stock of what you've lost and how you'd go about filling that gap - you might miss going out to dinner with ex for example so you'd be on the look out for someone to do that with.

Go to the WI (if there's more than one near you, try more than one, they have different vibes). It's hard going in alone but everyone will talk to you!

Join a choir. A fun one without auditions, like Rock Choir or a community one.

Look on Facebook page for local community centres, one near me does 'Wool pack' which is a crochet/knitting chat group, arts and crafts sessions for adults, bingo!

Book club? I found one on Facebook.

Good luck. Life after a break up can be so hard but it's time for a new chapter in your life.

You could try something like parkrun - it's free, there's no commitment, you just register online to get a barcode so you can track your time/events but even that is optional. It's all just organised by volunteers locally, you turn up around 8:45am, someone outlines the course to you, at 9am there is a short briefing where they also ask if people are new or completing milestones and you clap to thank the volunteers. You set off and run, jog, walk, whatever - there is a volunteer who's role is 'tail walker' who's job it is to come last so you won't be the last one, and it's fine to just walk the whole thing. You don't have to chat to anyone but also you're very welcome to. If you enjoy it, do it again next week. Then maybe offer to volunteer as a marshal or a barcode scanner one week and that way you get to know other volunteers by chatting to them. It makes you feel part of the community and it's rewarding to volunteer, and you start your weekend off with a brisk walk or jog and that feels satisfying!

The WI might be of interest and possibly the park run but I can’t run at all and I think I might be embarrassed if I was the only one walking.

I’m so grateful for everyone replying to me.

I'd like to know a bit more about the type of work you do, without crossing professional boundaries. We might have some ideas that shoot off from that.

I know bumble for friends feels weird but honestly I would recommend giving it a try. Lots of people on there starting again for whatever reason, as well as people who just like meeting people.

You’re being really hard on yourself. You didn’t want to be put in this situation, of course there’s a big part of you that just doesn’t want to do anything to move forward because you want to go back to what you had. It’s completely natural to feel that way. So there’s a battle inside your head as you simultaneously try to accept and build your new life and also emotionally reject your new life.

It sounds a bit like you’ve set yourself the task of making new friends and starting new hobbies and being confident and generally feeling good again and you’re worried you’ll fail in that task. And, to be blunt, of course you will fail in the task of feeing fine. There’s nothing fine about heartbreak, it’s the most awful feeling. So be gentle with yourself. Small steps forward, space to hurt. Do things that feel good (actually good, as far as possible, rather than easy and habitual and distracting). Accept where you’re at. Small challenges, lower expectations, especially taking focus off the immediate results of your efforts.

Huge hugs op, I am/ was going through similar, as in we broke up but are seeing if we can be with each other again (each day is spent feeling sick and us being uncomfortable around each other trying to convince the kids we’re fine) and I realised the same. Really tiny things that I’ve started doing are listening to my old music, getting back to reading and crafts.

I have booked to start back swimming lessons

My huge thing was starting to figure out what tv I love (used to be an addict😉) and getting used to saying’i’ instead of ‘we’ and have started just figuring out how to be me, shaving legs, nail varnish, these are all huge as I just wanted to wallow. Hope you find your you op xxxxxx

Look on meetup.com and find some social groups.

Would you be comfortable to say what part of the country you live in? People may have some good local suggestions.

Also, I found joining the gym good for making friends. I just go to the local council one but there’s a huge range of people & abilities, and there’s lots of classes for people new to it all.

Pickleball is a great way to meet others. You play in doubles so you are immediately connected to someone else and it is a very inclusive fun easy sport. My experience is that most players are sightly older and very welcoming of beginners. Better than yoga/pilates which, IME, are not chatty at all.

Going to have to google Pickleball!

Well I downloaded the Bumblefriends app and there is literally no one near to me. :(

I recommend this a lot (because it's free and easy): start learning a language. Duolingo for 5 - 10 minutes a day. It gives you a 'hobby' and something to talk about when you do meet people.

I'm a big fan of taking random general interest classes, even if you aren't actually interested in progressing with the skill. Intro to writing, jewelry making, flower arranging - whatever. Look at what's available locally. Just get yourself out there and have a laugh. Even if you don't meet anyone you connect with, consider it practise for meeting more people.

I'm in a very similar position, newly divorced at 45 from a 20-year relationship (no kids) and waking up to realise that I'd invested everything in my marriage and neglected to build my own social life. It's hard, and the low self esteem of a break up makes it even harder. I wrote a long list of small steps, as someone suggested above. That included things like getting a make up consultation and new clothes to feel more confident, seeing a counsellor, doing an exercise class, joining a walking group, taking steps to try to turn acquaintances into friends - inviting a work colleague for coffee, for example. I also tried to revive old friendships that had been neglected.

I've been doing this for a few months now and it's been partially successful. I feel more confident about doing new things and talking to new people. I still don't have the circle of close friends that I want, but I know that will take time.

In the meantime I do have a lot more day to day social interaction than I used to. There have been some news stories recently saying that these "weak ties" of brief social interaction (talking to someone in a coffee shop, or to a dog walker, or delivery driver) are also important in preventing loneliness, so I try to go to the same places regularly and have those conversations, to be friendly to the people I meet and hope that I can start to build a more sociable life in every way.

I also like the suggestion above to take time to think about what you want your life to look like. I enjoy being outdoors so a walking group is great for me. For you maybe something else sparks that interest - a craft class or gardening group or a DIY woodwork class. There are groups for all sorts of interests (and I live rurally!) if you start reading local notice boards in the supermarket or library, or check local Facebook groups. It's daunting to have to accept such huge changes in life at this age, but 45 is still relatively young (I tell myself) - potentially exactly mid-life. What do you want the next 40 years to be like? What kind of person do you want to be? They are big questions but one of the benefits of divorce is getting to do that reinvention that is basically impossible when you are with a long-term partner who knows one version of you. There is much more that you can be!