How to get a life at aged 45

[Monkeybusiness123]

I am very embarrassed to say after a very recent break up with a long term partner that has left me heart broken I have realised I have pretty much zero life outside of him.
It hasn’t always been this way but over the years I’ve lost touch with people and become quite the homebody.
My life is work, being a mum and was ex partner.

I feel like my self esteem is very low and I want to work on that and also need distractions from my recent breakup, but how?

I am self employed and don’t meet people through work expect my clients who can’t become friends.

I don’t even really feel like I have an interest in something that I could take up as a hobby which feels quite sad and pathetic.

Can anyone offer advice? Would a gym or exercise classes be a way to meet friends? I’ve never done anything like that before.

Feel a bit lost with it all to be honest

Lots of walkers at my local park run; it's very community-spirited and relaxed. I'm not sporty by any stretch of the imagination and it was the one thing that got me back on my feet after a traumatic time during Covid. You will have to push yourself to try some of these things OP

What about a rescue dog?

You could start a dog class and meet people there.

You also bump into people on walks that you do daily.

Then you have someyhing to talk about that is not yourself, something to care for as well and it can lead to new friendships.

I recommend you read Feel the Fear And Do It Anyway. It is an old school self-help book but an absolute classic. It will help you not care if you go to an exercise class that is wrong for you, or you try to befriend someone and it fizzles out.

The best thing in it is the 9 squares life plan. Draw a big square, divide it into 9 sections and put a key aspect of life in each square. E.g. Home; Family; Work; Fitness & Health, Friends, Hobbies etc. One square has to be Community and iirc having Spirituality in one is recommended.

Then you just do something tiny each day, small each week, medium each month and big each season to improve each area of your life giving equal importance to them all.

So tiny for Home could be buy some flowers or throw out something broken that you'll never mend. Tiny for family could be give your DC a hug, for friends it could be posting something on an old friend's FB page. Tiny fitness could be just taking time to stretch in the morning. Tiny spirituality could bedoing a 5 minuteYouTube meditation, or if you are religious, saying a prayer.

Small could be doing a 15 minute online workout, cooking a favourite dinner or brunch to have with your DTeens, having a coffee with a friend or neighbour who is warm and upbeat, spiritual could be taking a walk in nature and really focusing on the turning seasons.

Medium might be trialling a fitness class or choir, booking a half day weekend workshop in painting, taking Dteens to a show or for a day out, repainting and rearranging furniture in your bedroom. It might be deciding to have one quick 30 minute coffee date with an OLD every week for six weeks. Or booking one of those free John Lewis stylists to help you try out new looks.

Big might be going on a meditation retreat or booking an adventure holiday alone or with DC, training for a long run or bike ride or triathlon, writing a book - something doable but a challenge. If one of the big things is a real challenge, make the other big things manageable. Don't set yourself up for stress or failure or burnout. Focus on milestones eg Helping a teen decide on unis to apply for and settling them in to uni, or supporting them through GCSEs with healthy food and testing them on revision is a Big Thing. Don't also run a marathon and move house that same year unless you are feeling superhuman.

Within a year you will have a full, happy, well-balanced life. You will feel confident and engaged with the world and you'll know yourself better.You will be aware of making time for the big milestones and stressors and not overloading yourself elsewhere. You will automatically prioritise your fitness and health. It is the absolute recipe for happiness after heartbreak or life-shattering disappointment or just that slow boiled-frog state of life getting into a sad, small rut. It works like a charm.

Totally agree with @givemushypeasachance

Get yourself to parkrun! You could Volunteer as well as participate, we love new volunteers.. But I absolutely had to comment to shout from the hilltops…you can walk it! Hundreds of people do, we love walkers, we encourage walkers !!! I’m walking ithis morning, in fancy dress, with a friendship group that built up a few years ago by randomly chatting and they are all lovely, kind people. We’re different ages, sizes, backgrounds but a wonderful supportive gang.

Find your local one this morning, there is the main parkrun website and most have Facebook pages too and just go spectate so you can see how it works.

It’s also low commitment, totally free so you can be flexible and see how you feel week to week

www.parkrun.org.uk

I would definitely recommend volunteering, I’ve made lifelong friends by volunteering with girlguiding and they really are like a family through your ups and downs. It’s helped me build confidence and self belief over the years too!
I also think exercise. I’m part of a run club where I’ve made great friends who I now regularly see outside of the club and enjoy going to park run every week and being part of that community. You could even start by volunteering there as I always think they must be a nice group of friends too 😊

I’m a similar age and also a single parent to a young adult - it can be isolating at times, try not to be too hard on yourself.

I think the previous suggestion to try something new every month is good - have a look and see what’s available locally. If any clubs offer beginners or taster sessions then everyone will be in the same boat.

There are lots of social groups on Facebook. I find when groups put on events they all tend to be welcoming as they want new members. I’m in a walking group but they also do nights out, theatre trips, book club etc.

@Meadowwild , thank you so much for posting that explanation! that is almost exactly what I did but I didn't remember where I'd first seen the idea. Early on in my divorce I drew up categories for different areas of my life (I had health and wellbeing, work and career, house and garden, family and social life, finances). And then I made a list of goals / tasks for each group, though not in such a structured way as the book obviously suggests. It's helped me enormously, particularly now I can see how much I've achieved in each category and feel less overwhelmed. Off to find a copy of Feel the Fear now!

Definitely do an exercise class. It will help you feel better & take you out of your head. Is there any women’s only classes near you?

I had a breakup at 45. I’m glad now 10 years on, I’ve tried so many things I wouldn’t have if I stayed

Someone else mentioned the WI - I'm not a member but I have friends who are and the local groups seem to be about our age and do loads with separate groups meeting for cinema, crafts, walking ...

I'm a member of a local book group and we've now been a similar group of people for a few years with friendships coming from that

I've also done pottery classes and sewing classes - pottery was more sociable because it's easier to do that and talk!

Been in a similar situation and reinvented myself several times now! A life changer for me was the book "Feel the Fear" by Susan Jeffers. I went from being scared to leave the house to a total career change, and then 10 years later set up my own business. I joined groups, did a few OU courses (met some great people who are still friends), got fitter...I got my life back!

Like others have said/suggested - I thought I was very happily married. When XH left it was a total shock. Actually - my happy life only just started then! Took me a good year to get over it and recover.

Let yourself heal and then get out there!

Thank you everyone.

It’s nice to hear other people have been where I am and come out the other side!