Tips for helping me manage hosting anxiety?

[LondonGrimmer]

Does anyone else get this?

I wasn't brought up in a household where we hosted parties or even drinks. I do love having people over, but in the build up to it I over-think and ruminate about stupid little things. I really worry about if people are going to judge the state of my house, so spend days cleaning and scrubbing then am shattered. Then afterwards, I go back to worrying about whether they had a good time, whether I should have bought X drink or Y snack, whether people were hungry etc etc

I know I'm being stupid, but it really spoils me hosting things (even though, like I say, I love having friends/family over a few times a year).

Any help with this appreciated.

Seek treatment for your underlying anxiety

Hmm. It's only a few times a year though? What sort of treatment do you suggest?

I'd speak to you GP initially about what mental health support you could benefit from. CBT, hypnotherapy, acupuncture are all things you could try before meds. What treatment have you had so far?
Edit to add that I do think its common to want your home clean and organised before guests. I check the toilets are clean, try to tidy anything messy and unclutter, check the guests room is tidy etc. Your OP seems to be above this level of anxiety though OP.

Oh. I thought this was normal. Perhaps it's not then. I've not had treatment or medication for anxiety before. Tried prozac for low mood a few years ago but the side effects were terrible so I didn't take them longer than six weeks or so. I've had grief counselling before.

Thanks, perhaps I should contact my GP about it. It takes four weeks to get an appointment here, so will do it soon in time for Halloween hosting...

It’s normal to worry about things which you would normally worry about. That’s human.
The issue is that now things are labelled as ‘anxiety’ which isn’t normal.
anyway what you’re feeling is not anxiety and is a normal reaction to having friend round.

j

Yes, maybe you're right @theeyeofdoe I want everything to go well/smoothly, so over-plan, probably. I'm hosting my family this weekend and am planning out the food, drinks, timings (I like to be organised. Never know when being organised tips over into anxiety though!).

I can get my head around the worries before the party/meal, it's just afterwards - I don't think it's normal to worry for days after about whether people had a nice time, whether I spent enough time with them, whether they were hungry or thought my blinds were dusty etc etc

Think I have too much time on my hands!

I suffer from anxiety too. I find breathing exercises really helpful.

I always cook or prepare something really easy to serve and eat. I plan on people having such a good time that they take no notice of my home in particular.(I do clean the loo though!)
Lastly, I reckon if they stay longer than I was expecting, then they’ve had a good evening.

With kindness, it does sound like you're spending too much time worrying, especially the afterwards part! Make a plan, do your best and then make an effort to distract yourself with something else immediately afterwards. Hosting is a dying art form that most people are unexperienced in nowadays so whatever you are doing will be more than your guests receive in many other situations. You sound like a great, caring and attentive host but just chill a little and let yourself enjoy it.

Ive stopped hosting couple friends 😂probably not the answer you were looking for. I used to when I was younger but now I have a full plate anyway I stopped having people over. I am fine with a group of girlfriends or with my extended family but a dinner party of couples freaks me out that it has to be perfect and every group perfectly matched — so I stopped doing it 😮

It’s a massive task from start to finish If it is not enjoyable for you perhaps think of ways to simplify things ? Could guests bring a dish each to cut down on the prep for you. Designate someone to do the drinks and someone else to think of dinner party games or conversation starters etc in that way everything is shared and you are not solely responsible for everyone’s enjoyment

I find this an anxiety-provoking situation and never really enjoy hosting, so I just don't do it, beyond offering a cup of tea and a piece of cake for people! I'm a generous guest when I do go out and buy a meal out to pay back my friends that host.

If you still want to go ahead, I think it's about doing things simply but well and don't worry at all afterwards as you can't change anything. I do agree some meditations or relaxation exercises might help you, or having a moan to your partner afterwards, find some way to let go of the event once it's happened.

If you don't like doing it, don't do it! Meet out somewhere. I like to plan and I like to entertain but I wouldn't call that anxiety. I have timings all on a whiteboard or prep as much as I can in advance. The cleaner does the cleaning.

If my friends / family didn't like the cleanliness of my house then they are welcome to host.

I host quite a lot and I used to feel this way but quickly learnt the thing most people remember is that you were friendly, attentive and relaxed. Food and cleanliness yes to an extent but no one really notices or cares. I've been a guest where take away pizzas were the food to where three course meals were cooked - to where parents apologised for the mess from their kids to spotless houses. What I remember is whether the hosts are natural and welcoming. You will very quickly notice a stressed out and anxious host fussing over food and tidying which is an atmosphere killer. If something is missing from one of mine I will openly say 'oh gosh I forgot to get this' or 'sorry about the crappy plates' and people just laugh. We're all human.

Thanks everyone. I do coherent breathing to help with ruminating/over thinking.

Just to clarify some points. I've not really ever hosted a proper dinner party since DC were born a long time ago. Just had friends/family over for grazing boards, party food,a take away, or sometimes something really simple like a chilli, tapas or fajitas.

The reason I host is because the people who come to us just don't. And to keep costs down (dc are older now, but it was handy not to have to find a babysitter when they were little, too). Eating out as a family of five is expensive, and one of the kids doesn't like it, plus it is nicer sometimes just to relax at home.

Some of my friends/family live in tiny houses, a couple are hoarders and never have anyone around, others are not confident enough I guess? They always always say I'm so great at hosting, are super appreciative, tell me they've had a great time, not to clean on their account etc and bring lots of flowers/drinks/gifts/dessert etc to show their appreciation. I'm very down to earth so apologise for the shop-bought dessert and chipped plates etc and you're right - nobody cares. They're just grateful to come over and be fed, watered, listened to and have a laugh (I hope). I always try to tell myself my house and hospitality can't be that bad or they wouldn't keep coming back 😉

Of the few friends who do host occasionally, they just seem better at it! I'm very working class, grew up quite poor. People from other countries and/or who are more middle class seem to do it effortlessly. I agree it's a dying art.

I would love for my children to grow up being comfortable and relaxed enough to invite good friends and family over for food now and then. It's another reason I do it (even if I'm stressed in the days leading up to it and nagging them to help me clean and tidy).

I do have a DH btw, but this sort of thing isn't his strong suit and he works long hours. He does remember to offer drinks and does alllll the washing up and cleaning after though!

OP you sound like an amazing host!

If you don’t have general anxiety about other areas, I think the comments to seek professional help are overkill. What I would do is write out some affirmations. Then once you issue an invitation, read them every day until the hosting day. Preferably out loud. things like:

My friends love me and they want to see a happy relaxed me

I am in control of my thoughts and I know that I am a great host

I am capable of hosting a great evening

I am prepared and ready to relax and have fun with my friends.

Change the self talk to a more positive mindset.

I’d also give yourself a timeframe for cleaning. Then don’t exceed it. That will help you focus on the important bits eg the bathroom and lounge. Decluttering generally makes it easier to keep the house clean. If you’re really short on time just chuck everything in your bedroom and shut the door.

And your reasons to keep hosting are awesome. You’re a great role model for your kids and a great friend - never forget that.

I refuse to host for this reason. I find it horribly stressful and I want to make sure I can leave and I can't leave if people are in my house.

OP I could have written this. And I don't agree that you need professional help!! I think that there are probably other reasons/underlying beliefs that cause you to worry. I observed my mum panicking/worrying/fretting for my whole life before people came over and I think I internalised that behaviour. I still find it excrutiating but I also force myself to do it as otherwise I fear I wouldn't get invited anywhere anymore:-)
My DH and children enjoy it and it does get easier over time.

I often remind myself that I have been invited into tiny flats for pasta or takeaways with friends and always enjoy myself and never judge (like the strawberries and cream thread lol), so why would people judge me in my home?

Good luck and you are not alone!!

You’re being so hard on yourself @LondonGrimmer It sounds to me that your standards of hosting are probably
a little bit old fashioned overall. Worrying about a shop bought dessert is like a throwback to the 1970s, and even back then it was more reflective of the tension between women breaking into the workplace, and the expectations put on sahms, than it was a measure of welcome.

The secret to really impressive hosting, is to convey that your guests are absolutely no trouble at all, and that you are enjoying their company.

And sometimes you have to fake it! Fussing about the quality of the food, or a chipped plate, or the state of the blinds can put your guest on edge and feeling like an imposition. If you absolutely have to mention it, laugh about it.

Cook something simple, and plenty of it - you can use up the leftovers later. It helps to have a few meals you just produce on rotation which cuts back on the overthinking.

In the winter I make a boeuf bourguignon from scratch, slowly on a quiet day, and freeze it in single portions, flat and thin. It defrosts quicker than a big block will, and it’s a dish that tastes better for freezing than eaten the day it’s made. Served with mash, and crusty bread, it’s hearty, warming and so easy. It takes all the pressure off the cooking.

There’s a priority order to cleaning the house when hosting: the kitchen needs to be spotless, also the bathroom as that’s where guests are alone. Then look at the doorway, and first impressions and think about somewhere to put coats and bags to reduce that awkwardness. Tidy and hoovered is what I aim for, but not sterile.

People remember how you made them feel more than anything else. Greet them with a hearty welcome, see them off at the end. Fill their glass, give them a place to settle, and the rest takes care of itself.

And honestly, some people will criticise you and your home, and your dessert! but that’s the way they are and actually nothing to do with you. Let them! They’re probably giving someone else a break.

It sounds like you already are doing really well. You just need to give yourself credit for it.

The only people I host now are my adult children. I find it far too stressful.

Someone once pointed out to me that they have more fun and feel more relaxed in a messy house than in a perfect one. I try to remember this when hosting as it is true for me too.

Obviously I'm assuming you don't live in a cess pit!

I am more relaxed in someone's home if everything is too formal. My favourite house to visit is where a friend says l will do main course and can a few people bring either a dessert or drinks. We eat buffet style which means we can move around so you are not just talking to the same person all evening. Her home is a farmhouse so clean but not magazine ready.
What l remember afterwards is the chats.
You sound like a lovely host. As you get older you will begin to care less what people think. Most people will be delighted just to have had an evening out , to have met a few people etc and will just go on with their lives afterwards. Maybe learn a few strategies for reining in your thoughts for the day after and dont drink must as that can add to the feeling next day.
When l have people coming l do a massive clean but that's because l need motivation to bother so it's great to get it done well and l love my sparkling home for a while after. Having people coming is what keeps my house organised as l can happily sit and read a book in a mess.

Should say..NOT too formal..sorry!

Gosh - you sound like a wonderful host @LondonGrimmer

I agree with the others that its the chats and laughter that give me good memories of an evening… and thats always helped by a few glasses of vino. You’ve had amazing feedback, so whatever youre doing….youre doing it well!

I hosted an evening for girlfriends a few months ago… one is vegetarian and one is dairy and gluten free. It’s a menu of nightmares! In the end I did a veggie and a chicken version of the same recipe, a huge heap of Ottolenghi style GF couscous and Ottolenghis confit of chickpeas.

Not only could I NOT get rid of them (and it was a school night mid week) but the texts came rolling in before they’d gone to bed. I have to admit, I was well chuffed…

So, a clean loo, a clean kitchen and something you can just pull out of the oven or freezer. AND SMILE 😀

In one of Delia Smith's cookery books she says "I am to please people rather than to dazzle them" and I wonder if you're seeking hosting perfection?

People are there to see you and your family and enjoy your company and have you enjoy theirs. If they are worried about dusty blinds do you care? Would want them over again?

Do you think they worry afterwards that they were boring or demanding guests?

I think it's normal to find it a bit stressful. I do.

DH is from a country where it is normal to have people over to your home (including your boss!) and freaked me out a few times by inviting people with no warning. Of course he doesn't worry about cleaning or food and then I feel judged, even though they are his guests and we (theoretically) don't have gendered jobs in the home

Things that help, I find, are having a cleaner (not that it makes the house cleaner, it just doesn't feel like my fault if something is dirty!) and sometimes hosting takeaway rather than cooking (I love cooking but again, outsourcing the judgement)

Objectively I would say no one cares about how clean your house is or how good the food is. I know I prefer hosts who are relaxed to those who are auditioning for Come Dine With Me