Tips for helping me manage hosting anxiety?

[LondonGrimmer]

Does anyone else get this?

I wasn't brought up in a household where we hosted parties or even drinks. I do love having people over, but in the build up to it I over-think and ruminate about stupid little things. I really worry about if people are going to judge the state of my house, so spend days cleaning and scrubbing then am shattered. Then afterwards, I go back to worrying about whether they had a good time, whether I should have bought X drink or Y snack, whether people were hungry etc etc

I know I'm being stupid, but it really spoils me hosting things (even though, like I say, I love having friends/family over a few times a year).

Any help with this appreciated.

Thank you SO MUCH everyone - you're really helping me. I've not been feeling well this week, so have spent quite a bit of time in bed feeling sick and headachey with zero energy. Then feeling guilty that I'm not keeping on top of the house ready for Saturday.

@Rainbowqueeen thank you for the positive affirmations - great idea. I shall write some out this morning and keep reminding myself of them. And I'll keep doing the breathing exercises, too. Thank you for saying I'm a great friend and role model, too - they are things I strive to be good at, so your words mean a lot.

@lifesrichpageant we are two peas in a pod by the sounds of things! I try so hard not to outwardly fret about hosting in front of the kids, as don't want them making the association between parties/get-togethers and me being stressed/negative. But then peri-menopausal hormones aren't helping 🙄I too make a conscious effort to do it; I'm a very sociable person who loves getting people together, but wish I didn't stress when having a few people over for food (don't have this when it's just a cuppa and cake).

@Beforetheend "The secret to really impressive hosting, is to convey that your guests are absolutely no trouble at all, and that you are enjoying their company."

Ah. This. In spades. Hence me panicking and putting too much pressure on myself to R-E-L-A-X and smile and be a swan etc But I have one of those faces that cannot lie ! I do tend to shoo everyone out of the kitchen if I'm not coping.

Beef recipe please? Sounds a great idea!

@junebirthdaygirl your typo made me smile - I was genuinely reading it thinking you're one of the few people to say you prefer it to be very formal...! I agree with you; comfy, cosy, relaxed, who cares if the windowsills are dusty and there's stuff everywhere. It's a family home and if I've been invited in, I just feel lucky.

I too enjoy how clean and sparkly the house is (for all of 24hrs it would seem) when I've blitzed it before a party/get together. It's pretty much the only motivation to clean I seem to have (avid reader and general lazy bones/have task initiation paralysis, especially when it comes to tidying and cleaning, which I hate).

I've recently discovered Remi Clog, and her videos inspire me to be less harsh on myself.

Oh, wish I could afford a cleaner! And a spare room to throw things in. Sadly not.

You're really normal feeling this!

For me the most important thing is to spend time with my guests so I like to keep things as simple as possible and prep as much in advance as possible. When my guests are here, I am just whipping things out of the fridge or oven ideally. I feel more relaxed that way.

The other thing is, it does get easier and easier the more you do it so I would say if you like it, stick at it and don't over complicate!

So, plan of action:

1. Prioritise kitchen. Or is it bathroom? Hallway? (first impressions) Lounge? Then again, it's summer so people will be out in the garden, so that needs tidying up, too. Now I'm looking at a day's work...!
2. Write out positive affirmations
3. Spend 15 mins a day doing coherent breathing
4. Set a 10 minute timer per room and put some loud music on with a fast tempo (lucky I love house music)
5. Don't panic, remember to smile, relax, enjoy it.

Interesting that @junebirthdaygirl says not to drink as it can increase anxiety - that is definitely what I've found. Hangxiety is definitely a thing. So I was going to try and stay sober the Saturday, but my family are coming and they're alcoholics and they pretty much will not have me not drink unless I'm pregnant or driving. It's something I'm working on. But that's another thread 😉

I wouldn't be too fussed if it's family. Sounds like all they see is the drinks table. Pretend to drink..g&t looks like water in a fancy glass with a lemon. My kids laugh at me cleaning for my siblings saying..ha we are not going to clean up for each other when we have our own houses.

@LondonGrimmer boeuf bourguignon

Thank you @Beforetheend

Just to update - I hosted on the weekend and learnt these things:

I can clean my house so it's immaculate, buy and cook lovely food, have chilled prosecco and beer, good background music, a table set nicely, husband and kids all happy and helping and enthusiastic.

I cannot control the mood of my guests. Half of the guests (my immediate family) were hungover, tired, moody and downright rude for most of their visit. I couldn't wait for them to go. Ah well, that's it done until Christmas/New Year, though I'm very loathe to offer to host again after their behaviour and attitude.

I also learnt that not drinking definitely helps with the post-host anxiety, so will abstain more in the future (also helps with energy levels when tidying up!).

@LondonGrimmer sounds like you were a great host, but as you say, you can't control the guests. Perhaps do a couple of small events for local friends, they will be more appreciative! It's also something lovely to do for you as a family, even if those invited were just tired and a bit rubbish- I think this counts as a success. Thanks for updating!

oh I worry a lot about this too. I think it’s because I don’t do it often enough. But also our house is big and I don’t have help so the preparing is endless. I’ve got better at the food side of things.

I would say host MORE and you’ll find it easier. We often find things daunting if we don’t do them very often.

That's a brilliant realisation, OP.

As a host, you are responsible for providing a hospitable, welcoming environment. You can't force people to have a good time. That's on them 💕

Friends are always a pleasure to host, my family? Not so much 😕

Definitely going to be brave and keep on doing it going forward. Like you say, confidence comes with practice.

You could have described my recent experience hosting immediate family and I feel exactly the same. When I visit them they don’t put themselves out to the same extent, that’s for sure.

@GorgeousTulips sorry to hear that. I don't have much family left, and then this lot are hanging on by a thread. They're alcoholics and never host. I wouldn't mind hosting all the time if they were better company.

Hey ho, at least we tried and can hold our heads up.

Good on you, @LondonGrimmer ! After hosting guests for most of the summer I am realising that it also just takes practice and perseverance and a certain amount of letting go of others behaviour or expectations. Sorry to hear your family aren't very sparkling guests.