Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Living with my partner a widower

38 replies

ashwhisper · 21/08/2024 18:51

I have been living with my current partner for 3 and half years in his home, the one he shared with his ex partner ,she passed away 5 years ago and i feel like second best ,he says i am not, but he very rarely says he loves me, i always have to make the first move, When i ask him he says of course I do, I have changed almost everything in the home but still struggle, he as compared me in the past to her but not very often, I cook clean and look after him, i show him affection but do not get much back, i love him but do not want to be second best forever, we have not moved forward after 3 years so i am thinking should i call it a day, any advice will be great, thank you,

OP posts:
PoopedAndScooped · 21/08/2024 18:55

His partner died

Why did you move in and change everything?

Its huge for him.

You are jealous of a dead person - You may always be ‘2nd’ but she is never coming back

whatsthequestion39 · 21/08/2024 18:56

PoopedAndScooped · 21/08/2024 18:55

His partner died

Why did you move in and change everything?

Its huge for him.

You are jealous of a dead person - You may always be ‘2nd’ but she is never coming back

A bit harsh.

Her partner must have agreed for her to move and move things around.

SauviGone · 21/08/2024 18:57

I cook clean and look after him

I bet you do.

Sound like he lost a provider of domestic services and fairly quickly replaced her with the first woman willing to pick up where she left off.

DeadsoulsAngel · 21/08/2024 18:57

You moved in 18 months after her death? Were they together long? Were you together long before moving in?

daisychain01 · 21/08/2024 18:59

Depending on the person and their relationship with their deceased partner, as we all respond to loss differently, I think it sounds like your partner isn't completely over that bereavement. Or they could just be a cold fish who doesn't express love easily.

Living in someone's former marital home shouldn't matter if the relationship is strong and you both value and love each other. He should be able to make you feel loved or if not he isn't the right person for you. My DH often stayed with me in the home I shared with my late DH1 and I believe he has always felt secure in our love. I couldn't be cold to him, that would be so cruel.

Have you tried to broach the subject, to see if there are complex emotions such as residual guilt or regret? Or maybe couples counselling.

Love to you, try to sort this out so you don't feel second best, you aren't!

NewName24 · 21/08/2024 18:59

What @PoopedAndScooped said and what @DeadsoulsAngel said.

I am not sure what you want us to say.

I would certainly have started the relationship and the idea of living together very differently from you, but there isn't anything you can do about that.

daisychain01 · 21/08/2024 19:05

OP please bear in mind there are very weird and judgmental people on MN who say harsh things both about the bereaved person and anyone who tries to form a relationship with them. It's shit I'm afraid but they havnt actually experienced it themselves but think they can pass judgment all the same.

TinyYellow · 21/08/2024 19:10

5 years after losing someone you love is nothing. I don’t understand how you can say there’s no moving on when you’re now living in his home and he’s let you change everything.

He can love you wholeheartedly and still love and miss his wife and the life they had together.

eggandchip · 21/08/2024 19:22

DeadsoulsAngel · 21/08/2024 18:57

You moved in 18 months after her death? Were they together long? Were you together long before moving in?

Thats what i was thinking now was op was the other woman.

Starlightstarbright3 · 21/08/2024 19:32

Lots of judgey comments on here .

but in answer to your question normal grief takes a minimum of 2 years so no he hadn’t gone through the grieving process when you got together or moved in .

how were things between you . He sounds like he was looking for someone to replace him .

yes I think you should move out - he isn’t ready - he may or may not care about you but the way it is isn’t going to work

He does need space to grieve to want to meet someone not just fill the hole his wife left .

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/08/2024 19:39

I think it was probably too soon. I know a few people who have made this mistake. I would be making plans for the life you deserve and I don't think it's with him.

wetback · 21/08/2024 19:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Mrsttcno1 · 21/08/2024 19:47

I agree it sounds like this all moved far too quickly and he maybe thought he was a lot more ready for a new relationship than he actually was.

I also think that for some people their relationships after the death of their partner do just look different. I know 2 examples of this in my own life, both lost their spouse, both did move on but the relationships were never the same as they were with their spouse. It’s different to a separation or divorce because that love is always there, they didn’t want to split they were forced apart by death, and after experiencing that grief it’s very difficult to even want to open yourself up completely to another person in the same way.

It’s something you can either accept or leave over, that decision is up to you.

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/08/2024 19:49

He doesn’t show you any affection and you have to ask him constantly whether he loves you. He doesn’t love you. He no doubt enjoys your contribution to the house and likes having you around, but it sounds as though he was just glad of the comfort and company of another person after his wife died rather than actually loving you. Move on and find somebody who’s ready to be in a proper relationship and wants the same things you do.

Chillilounger · 21/08/2024 19:51

He lost someone he loves. That hurts. It may be hard for him to let himself feel that again. Give him time.

RedHelenB · 21/08/2024 19:53

If you don't feel he loves you then you need to find someone who does, live on your own or accept life as it is. I think the last one won't be great personally

AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime · 21/08/2024 19:56

eggandchip · 21/08/2024 19:22

Thats what i was thinking now was op was the other woman.

Show quote history

<yawn> didn’t take long for that cliche to emerge did it?

OP when you did or didn’t get together is irrelevant, some people might considr that 18 months was too soon but everyone is different.

However, if you hadn’t mentioned that he was a widower and had said that you moved in with your DP three years ago, that he never showed you affection or told you he loved you the response would be to LTB.

Whatever the reasons, he clearly isn’t that into you, and I would move on at this point.

And for the people saying that five years on the OP is being unreasonable, no-one is saying that he should be over his wife. But if you intend to get together with someone else after your partner’s death, then you do need to move forward and treat them right emotionally even if you do still have feelings for your late partner.

If you’re not ready to do that then you shouldn’t be forging relationships with other people who shouldn’t be expected to compete with the dead until such times as the partner decides otherwise.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/08/2024 20:02

SauviGone · 21/08/2024 18:57

I cook clean and look after him

I bet you do.

Sound like he lost a provider of domestic services and fairly quickly replaced her with the first woman willing to pick up where she left off.

Yes depressing isn't it!!

Op think less about 'I'm competing
With her ghost'

And more about

'Is this boyfriend meeting my reasonable needs. If not, have I expressed them and if so and nothing has changed, why am I still with him?'

outdamnedspots · 21/08/2024 20:10

SauviGone · 21/08/2024 18:57

I cook clean and look after him

I bet you do.

Sound like he lost a provider of domestic services and fairly quickly replaced her with the first woman willing to pick up where she left off.

This!

What does he do for you??

GuestSpeakers · 21/08/2024 20:13

However, if you hadn’t mentioned that he was a widower and had said that you moved in with your DP three years ago, that he never showed you affection or told you he loved you the response would be to LTB.

But the fact that he's a widower is relevant. In my opinion.

MontyDonsBlueScarf · 21/08/2024 20:25

I'm wondering what you think 'moving on' would look like. And also what it would take for you not to feel second best.

If you're looking for him somehow to disown his relationship with his dead wife then you're asking the impossible. If you're asking him to have a more loving relationship with you while still loving his dead wife, that's entirely possible but you may feel it's not enough for you.

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/08/2024 21:27

GuestSpeakers · 21/08/2024 20:13

However, if you hadn’t mentioned that he was a widower and had said that you moved in with your DP three years ago, that he never showed you affection or told you he loved you the response would be to LTB.

But the fact that he's a widower is relevant. In my opinion.

I think it’s relevant in the sense that it explains why he’s emotionally unavailable and struggles to show love and affection towards OP, and that he’s probably not a dickbag; but it’s irrelevant in the sense that regardless of the reason, OP has spent five years in an unloving relationship and as there’s no timeline for grief, there’s no timeline for when there might be a breakthrough. Another year? Another five? This is a man who needs to be single until he’s properly available to love another partner, and OP needs to leave him to do that, and to have the relationship she wants.

ABirdsEyeView · 21/08/2024 21:57

Find a man for whom you are the first choice. Don't settle for someone who shows you no affection, but is happy to use you for companionship and an easy life!

I don't know why posters have criticised you for changing the house - you have a right to feel comfortable and at home in the place you live - he's the one who entered a new relationship as a widower. This isn't your baggage to deal with!

BigDahliaFan · 22/08/2024 07:40

I've watched my sIL struggle with this, she's lovely and brilliant for my brother but...

Along with the issues that 2 older people with already settled ways who've had previous relationships....there's his late wife.

They got together 2 years after she died, knew each other before, but it has been hard for her. Honestly moving into a completely new house helped.

But...my brother is a warm and funny man who is delighted he's found love again, and let's his partner know it. He cooks and cleans and shares with her, they've gone on holidays that he couldn't do because his first wife was I'll.

You know what I'm saying....

Original poster
ashwhisper · 22/08/2024 13:11

I suppose I am looking for someone who as been in the same situation, I knew him when I was 16 years old, we dated for a very short time then we both moved on with our lives.met up again many years later, talked but that was all, then his ex partner ,( they were never married), she took her own life, I have heard it was through him not showing her love and affection but people talk as we know, I love him and want to be there for him, I have excepted he will still have some feelings for her, but I was hoping we would move forward together, I have no security or anything and feel maybe its time to let go. Thank you for all your comments

OP posts: