Living with my partner a widower

[ashwhisper]

I have been living with my current partner for 3 and half years in his home, the one he shared with his ex partner ,she passed away 5 years ago and i feel like second best ,he says i am not, but he very rarely says he loves me, i always have to make the first move, When i ask him he says of course I do, I have changed almost everything in the home but still struggle, he as compared me in the past to her but not very often, I cook clean and look after him, i show him affection but do not get much back, i love him but do not want to be second best forever, we have not moved forward after 3 years so i am thinking should i call it a day, any advice will be great, thank you,

No security?
In what way?

I guess because it's his house legally and nothing is in OPs name?

Why don’t you make a list for yourself of all the reasons why you love him, and then take a good hard look at it. It might help you decide whether if’s enough or not. He doesn’t seem to be offering you any of the things that most people love in their partner: there’s no reciprocated love, affection, communication, openness, and you’re not building a shared life and future together in your own home.

Have you had a history of poor or difficult relationships which makes this slightly less bad one seem good in comparison? Or you’re harking back to when you dated as teenagers and remembering how good it was then and hoping to recreate that? Those are not reasons to stay.

And rightly so

you keep referring to EX-partner, had they separated before she died? Or do you mean late-partner? I think framing her as an ex probably isn’t helpful for you or him, the dynamic is different here.

@PoopedAndScooped not disagreeing - I'm massively in favour of people not rushing into commitments which compromise their own financial security, but it's natural for OP to feel how vulnerable she is, living with a man who isn't too forthcoming in terms of affection and bring in a house that isn't hers!

OP, you need to have something concrete which is just yours - even if you rent it out, you need a property that you own, or enough money in the bank to buy one if this all goes pear shaped. Dont put too much money into his house.

She was his late partner not an ex. Frankly you shouldn’t have moved in it was way too soon. Move out and build your own life. You will be forever jealous of her and it shows.

He doesn't want to admit to you that after his wife died he missed the company of a woman and you have become a live in housekeeper so that he doesn't feel alone.

It's not necessarily malicious of him, a lot of men move on quickly when their wife died as they don't like being Jon their own and like the house kept nice and food on the table.

Women seem to cope better after a bereavement and can manage by themselves at home for longer or forever.

He's had the big love affair and romance with his wife, he doesn't want that from you, he wants companionship.

Of course, companionship can be wonderful if that's what both of you want but you want the romance and he simply is unable to give that to you.

Why does this have anything to do with his late partner? He is the way he is and that isn't going to change. He wouldn't change even if you moved to a new place. If you don't like the status quo then change it - leave.

I agree with you that it’s time to move on. He’s not going to give you what you want and deserve. It doesn’t matter why. You deserve to be happy, to feel cherished and loved and someone’s first choice. Life is so short, choose joy and optimism and happiness.

I do think we should acknowledge that just because someone died it doesn't mean they were definitely the love of their partners life!
This might be just how he is!

This ^ resonated with me.
Don’t waste your life feeling half happy.
A domestic set up works to his advantage alright doesn’t it! You’re not getting much out of it though are you?

It is really difficult, I need to sit down and decide if this is what i really want. Thank you for your advice