Not inviting my creepy cousin to my wedding

[definitelynotmyrealname]

So, I am looking for some advice on how to deal with an awkward family situation. I am getting married next year and am not sure how to navigate not inviting a certain cousin who has been inappropriate in the past. Essentially, said cousin, totally out of the blue a few years ago (I barely know him other than seeing him at weddings/funerals), sent me an inappropriate text message. Obviously, this is completely creepy just because we are cousins, but to add to the grossness he is married and at the time his wife was pregnant and I am in a long term relationship. Anyway, at the time I shut this down in no uncertain terms and blocked his number, I told my parents and my partner but haven't mentioned it to the wider family, I don't want to cause unnecessary drama within the family or hurt to his wife. But now the time has come for me to invite my family to my wedding and I am in a bit of quandary as I want to invite all the rest of my cousins including his parents and brothers but I absolutely am not inviting him. But it is bound to look weird if he is the only one who doesn't get an invitation and I'm guessing will cause suspicion. I'm hoping he will be smart and will just come up with some excuse himself but if he doesn't and it comes back to me, what should I do? Tell the truth? Make something up? Or just say 'ask him'? It all feels very unfair as I didn't ask for any of this and it's adding extra stress to wedding planning which I don't need! Any advice/thoughts appreciated!

I would text him and tell him that you’re getting married next year and due to his previous text, think it’s inappropriate he should come and therefore will say that you already knew he was busy.
Send invites to everyone else individually.

The longer I live the more convinced I become that creepy men (and its Not all men, but when it is, it is always men) need to be exposed. So i would tell him he is not invited and why and tell everyone around you that he is not invited and why.

*NB I am 51 and menopausal and fuck me I am fed up with men. I kept the secrets of the creepy uncle who raped me and the creepy 80 year old neighbour who stuck his tongue down my throat and the creepy Year 5 teacher who pulled my dress up and stuck his hand in my pants.

I'm over keeping these secrets for fucking men who behave like this. Let the chips fall as they may.

I would text and say that he won't be getting an invite so he can tell everyone why if they ask and if they ask you tell the truth.

I think I'd probably invite who I wanted to come and if anyone wants to know why he's not invited let them ask you. I wouldn't make anything up, I'm with @HMTheQueenMuffin , shine a light on the fuckers.

I wouldn't contact him, he doesn't deserve the warning to prepare for lying his way out of it.

@HMTheQueenMuffin 😳 so fucking sorry that those shitty scumbags put you through that. And I agree with you about telling people exactly why he's not invited. OP It's your special day and you don't have to have anyone there who you don't want. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty. Its his own fault for being a creep

We had a similar thing with my daughters 21st and I messaged the person and basically said that I was sending invitations and could either say he wasn't free that night or I could say why he wasn't invited.

Obviously he went for the former

what would you tell his mother for example?

This is the best approach I think

Do you have screenshots/proof of the message?

I would simply not invite him and if anyone asks then you can tell them that your want your wedding to be a happy celebration and that doesn't include inviting people who have sent you inappropriate messages. Pull out the receipts if they inevitably say "oh George would never!!"

This is what I would do. Call the creep out, he doesn't deserve you dancing around his feelings and there may be others in your family who will applaud you.

Agree with this.

Thanks for all the input! I do indeed have screenshots/proof which I could show. I also know that he has done similar things before with another cousin so it's not just a one off. I considered calling him out and telling the rest of the family at the time but I decided against it in the end. I don't think I want to just say it out of the blue now but I am tempted to if anyone specifically asks me. I just feel bad for the rest of his family/wife/child as it would no doubt upset them.

I think this is probably the right approach to take.

I think it's very easy for other people to say 'Tell everyone, these creepy pervs need publicly shaming, the whole world should know' but in reality, it's rarely that simple.

You're about to get married and the last thing you want is for a massive family drama to overshadow things, so I can see why you'd want to take a less public approach.

Moreover, you were essentially the victim of his sexual harassment, and victims are really not obliged to make an example of their experience. Do what's right for you and what will make you feel best. You are the important one in all this.

Thank you, that is exactly how I feel. Although in principal I would love to call him out I don't want to be at the centre of a massive family rift/drama and I also would like the rest of my family to be able to come to my wedding without something nasty like this overshadowing it/making them feel awkward. The trouble is I also don't really want to text him as it feels like I'm then enabling his creepiness by giving him the ability to cover it up and continue being a creep. So that's how I've ended up where I am now, just not doing anything and hoping for the best, but I'm worried it's going to come back and bite me in the butt when someone asks why I didn't invite him. What is wrong with some men 🙄

Don't you text him, get your partner to do it. No need for you to deal with him at all.

"OP's cousin - just giving you the heads up that due to your inappropriate message, you are not invited to our wedding. We can either tell people why or we can tell people that you're not available. Your choice. OP's partner."

You don't need to start a crusade against this person but keeping his dirty secret will continue to allow him to behave in this way. Sadly, there's plenty of high profile cases where "everyone knew" but noone felt they could say anything.
Perhaps you could have your partner deal this and direct any family queries to him? Would he feel able to be more candid with people?
Please also think about the future generations in your family, who may not be old enough to have a voice in horrible situations such as this.

Personally I'd go with just not inviting him and if anyone asks why just replying with "Because he's a creepy little troll". If they want more, then I'd elaborate. If they push for him to come, then I'd disinvite them too.

I have no time for hiding things like this, it only benefits the culprit.

Yes I do agree with this and I feel bad not using my voice, I just wish I had done so when it had first happened rather than having to do it now where it could ruin my wedding. The trouble is that I am not massively close with this side of my family anyway and my partner barely knows them so it feels a bit unfair of me to dump this on him. I would be more tempted to direct queries to my dad but again I'd feel very sorry for him having to discuss this with his brother.

Yes, this was my original plan, not invite him without an explanation but then if anyone asks I will tell the truth.

Just don't invite him.

If anyone asks say "I didn't want him here". If they probe, tell them the truth.

Dirty, creepy fucker.

This is what I would do. That way you’re not making a thing of it but you’re also
not covering up for him either.

You don't want him there so he gets no invite. If anyone presses you excessively as to the reason why then tell the truth. He sent sexual unwanted messages to you. It's your wedding and no way should you have anyone there against your choice.

If you don’t want to say anything, just say “I didn’t ask him because we have fallen out”

If they ask for more details, suggest they ask him.

Anything you say might get back to his wife. If that is the outcome you want, then that is one thing, but it might be better to tell her yourself if so.

I would ask your father to do this on your behalf. He is the closest blood relative, saves your partner having to get involved. If anyone else asks then he couldn't come.