Not inviting my creepy cousin to my wedding

[definitelynotmyrealname]

So, I am looking for some advice on how to deal with an awkward family situation. I am getting married next year and am not sure how to navigate not inviting a certain cousin who has been inappropriate in the past. Essentially, said cousin, totally out of the blue a few years ago (I barely know him other than seeing him at weddings/funerals), sent me an inappropriate text message. Obviously, this is completely creepy just because we are cousins, but to add to the grossness he is married and at the time his wife was pregnant and I am in a long term relationship. Anyway, at the time I shut this down in no uncertain terms and blocked his number, I told my parents and my partner but haven't mentioned it to the wider family, I don't want to cause unnecessary drama within the family or hurt to his wife. But now the time has come for me to invite my family to my wedding and I am in a bit of quandary as I want to invite all the rest of my cousins including his parents and brothers but I absolutely am not inviting him. But it is bound to look weird if he is the only one who doesn't get an invitation and I'm guessing will cause suspicion. I'm hoping he will be smart and will just come up with some excuse himself but if he doesn't and it comes back to me, what should I do? Tell the truth? Make something up? Or just say 'ask him'? It all feels very unfair as I didn't ask for any of this and it's adding extra stress to wedding planning which I don't need! Any advice/thoughts appreciated!

If you're not massively close with that side of the family anyway, why invite any of your cousins? I didn't.

Because although we're not super close I still enjoy their company and would like them there. And I don't see why one creep should stop me from inviting whoever I want to my own wedding. Doesn't really seem fair!

Yes, that's what worries me, I don't want to cause her loads of upset. But at the same time I've only met her once at her own wedding so I don't really know her!

Yes I could do, but my poor dad despises conflict and is quite shy and I'd feel pretty bad making him do that. But at the same time as you say it is his family and therefore more his responsibility that my partners.

It won’t necessarily result in conflict if your dad sends him the kind of message @ARichtGoodDram suggested.

Just don't invite him. Don't warn him or anyone else. Don't ask anyone to speak to him. Just don't invite him. If someone has the audacity to ask why say because you didn't want to/don't have relationship with him/don't like him/ etc

Have a chat with your dad (maybe both parents) and tell them you are not inviting this cousin. Your dad may decide to message him. If either your aunt or uncle query why he's not invited do you think they would contact you or your parents? It is difficult for you to protect the feelings of his wife and family because he deserves no protection.

Please remember, you are not, I'll repeat that again, NOT, the one upsetting the relatives. HE IS.

You neither asked for or wanted the attention he brought last time around and you shut that shit down rapidly. You didn't however say "Look everyone, Cousin It here is a bit of a creepy person to be around...Yooohoooo!!!! EVERYONE!!!! Look!!!!!" because you're a decent person.

Unfortunately, you will have to do some guest management here and you will probably have to tell his parents because an aunt or uncle who spots that only 1 of their offspring didn't get an invite might think that the invite got lost in the post and would extend an invite themselves (quite the possibility here) so you'll have to tell them that only people who got invites are allowed to attend the wedding. Also, be careful regarding "+1's" for that side of the family - he could sneak in as someone's +1 there if you're not too careful.

Good luck and enjoy the planning!

If you don’t think your dad would be comfortable saying anything I would ask your partner to, there is also a part of me that would be saying fuck it, just tell him yourself, for too long women have felt they have had to hide all this shitty behaviour.
Please remember if it does come out, it absolutely isn’t your fault and you won’t be ruining your wedding or causing a family rift, HE was the one that was in the wrong, not you.

I hope he doesn’t have a daughter.

Thank you, it is easy to think that if I said something and people get upset it's all my fault but obviously that's not the case.

And I hadn't even considered the possibility of him turning up, you're right, he could do- I need to think about that one for sure!

Thank you, it's crazy how you somehow manage to blame yourself for these things.

And he does have a daughter, I hadn't really considered that, assuming cousins would surely be his limit. God I hope he's not that much of a creep.

Oh, if you think he would just turn up, then contact him first.

"Creep, given your inappropriate messages in XX year, I will not be inviting you to my wedding. . For avoidance of doubt: you are not welcome to turn up even if Auntie Mabel suggests you are. I am prepared to say, if asked, that you and I have fallen out. I suggest that you do the same. This is solely to save Mrs Creep any pain."

I would just not invite him. I think he's unlikely to raise it with his mother or other family members, given the reason why he is not invited. We didn't invite an uncle to our wedding who'd recently left his wife for another woman, because it seemed disrespectful to the whole idea of marriage and it felt disloyal to his ex-wife.

Wow - I just wanted to say how sorry I am that this happened to you. I'm so angry they put you through that 😔

OP I think your idea is good. His wife already probably knows a lot more about his behaviour than you think. I wouldn't feel bad if something happened to them as a result of it getting out; it might be the last piece in a jigsaw of dodgy doings.

No need to contact him at all. He doesn't deserve consideration about your wedding. If anyone asks you why he isn't there, say he was not invited because of inappropriate behaviour, and leave it at💐 that. It sounds as though he has form, so relatives will probably guess what he has done. Forget him, relax and enjoy your Day.