How do we prepare for the roommate stage/our marriage to change? Expecting our first baby…

[babygirlsoon]

Expecting our baby girl in just a couple of months. We can’t wait and are both so excited, and a bit nervous and clueless too!

I’m really lucky that DH pulls his weight and does the lion’s share of the housework already- he says he doesn’t mind, and seems to take it in his stride. I cook and he pretty much does everything else including the laundry and cleaning. We both feel happy with that set up and I do more as and when needed.

I have heard people talk about the roommate stage with a newborn baby and that is what’s worrying me the most, whether our marriage can do it. We usually get on well but at the start of our relationship bickered a lot so we both did a lot of work on communication. Arguments are extremely rare in our house and we have a lot in common. My sister has panicked me by saying she and her husband nearly divorced. I accept our worlds will change far beyond what we can even imagine, but how do we make sure we stay close in this time?

If it’s relevant, we have family support and DM who is itching to babysit.

My ideas so far are:

• Check in with each other fairly often
• Try and accept any help any relatives offer, even if it’s having the baby for a couple of hours so we can grab lunch or catch up on sleep
• Try not to blame or resent each other and let things go. I’m really working hard to already psyche myself up for the lack of sleep and expect that I will be more tired than DH. DH needs to drive as part of his job so I will need to do the bulk of the night feeds, and I want to breastfeed anyway. I know I might feel frustrated that he has more freedom than I, but I’m telling myself it’s a phase
• Buy a few meal vouchers now for our favourite restaurant so we can go on some nice dates (they have a 12 month expiry date, so even if we don’t feel ready to leave baby on an evening we could take her with us when she’s a bit bigger and have some lunch- wouldn’t go to waste)

What else can we do? What should I know or be aware of? Does anyone have any tips?

Many thanks!

Acknowledge when you’ve been a dick and apologise. We all have our moments, especially when stressed and tired.

I don’t really understand this and I’ve never heard of the roommate phase.

It’s hard work at times with a new baby as you both get so tired. But it’s also lovely to have a new baby to enjoy and share. Your relationship changes as you become parents. That can be really positive.

Share the night wake ups. Only have sex when you feel ready for it down there, not when his “balls have gone blue and hes in agony and needs to have sex right now”. Hopefully he wont have many/any weekend hobbies eg golfing/fishing/drinking where hes gone for the weekend and your left holding the baby oh and is not a drinker or he will be out the first six months “wetting the babys head”. Yes im full of resentment 🤭🫣🙄 soon to be exDH 🤞

Thank you, gives me hope!

Be prepared and make sure your husband knows that’s it’s really common for birth and breastfeeding to kill your sex drive. I have none, absolutely none whilst breastfeeding. Also being touched by small children all day long makes me want my own space. And then being at home with the baby whilst my husband is out at work makes me long for adult topics of conversation, not just about trains and diggers!

So on the rare evening the baby goes to sleep early and we both aren’t shattered, he was sex and I just want to chat/ read a book/ play a board game. Very tricky to navigate!

I think you shouldn’t think of it as a roommate phase. It’s not. It’s a couple in love who are new parents and totally knackered in every way phase. Thinking of it as a roommate phase makes out that your marriage can become simply perfunctory or just a friendship. I think that assertion is selling yourselves short. Marriage is so much deeper than that. Dates are great, sex is great, not arguing also has its perks, but marriage is a rich and beautiful tapestry of life experience of two people who choose each other every day.

My biggest piece of advice is to choose joy. You’ll be tired, and so be tempted to blame each other, or feel sorry for yourselves. But you’ll have this amazing, incredible gift of your child to explore and share every day. So choose to be content in the exhaustion and joyful in the challenge. There’s so much to be incredibly happy about!

Remember to choose each other, to give each other the benefit of the doubt, and to prioritise yourselves as a team over yourselves individually.

Cuddle with the baby together, and every day, make a concerted effort to cuddle just the two of you. I don't mean sex, unless you want to of course, but touch each other, have some nice hugs, hold hands, even if for just a minute. He can give you a back rub, and then you can give him one. It is so so important to keep the physical intimacy alive. My husband and I were both in agreement that we had to make a very conscious effort to stay connected, and I believe it really paid off.

Does “roommate phase” just mean having a break from sex? We didn’t have sex for ages but we didn’t feel like roommates - we’d just made a little human together!!! It was anything but roommates.
be kind to each other, communicate a lot, and whatever you do don’t do competitive tiredness.

Cynically, I’d say don’t become the second class partner in the marriage: get back to work as soon as you can and don’t let your career and independence become subservient to his.

Try not to play the Tiredness Olympics. You'll both be shattered. Who is more tired is not really a useful conversation.

Resist the urge to become the Baby Authority. DH and I had some all-out fights where I pointed out that the fact I possessed boobs and a second X chromosome did not in fact give me magical insight into why the baby was crying and that I was as clueless as he was. We both had to learn on the job and it was important that neither of us set me up as the Authority on What the Baby Needed, at least not if I didn't want to be doing most of everything for the baby's entire first 18 years.

One thing I wasn't expecting was how much rage I felt towards DH, particularly in the first few weeks. It was 100% the result of hormones and nothing to do with him at all, he was great! Other than that, which didn't last long and which I shared with my therapist rather than shouting at my DH, we didn't find having a child made any difference at all to our relationships. It's probably made us a bit boring because if we ever go out just the two of us, we spend most of the time talking about how great DS is and showing each other pictures of him.

Never had this issue.

Never heard of this and I think going into the baby stage with the idea that there will be issues might end up being a self fulfilling prophecy .

Thank you. I’m surprised so many people are saying this, it’s all I see on here, people saying how their relationship changed for the worse after kids. It’s really giving me hope to see people say it’s not always the case

I totally agree. As my grandmother would say, don't go looking for trouble and don't make problems when there are none. The attitude you choose to have is very powerful.

I think the room mate phase just refers to the lack of sex. Which is hard to predict. You might be desperate two weeks in after a ln easy delivery, you might be in pain and touched out and not want to have sex for months. So I'd try and maintain intimacy - doesn't have to be sex but sit and have a cuddle, hold hands, a hello and goodbye kiss etc.

But even with a really poorly baby and the stress that brought, and then twins as COVID started, we never came close to falling out properly

Because people post problems. They don't post about their happy lives

1. Remember you're on the same team
2. Make anything round the house you can easier. Can you buy a dishwasher, hire a cleaner ect
3. Fill your freezer will meals that just need sticking in the oven or dumping in the slow cooker.
4. Sort out money and agree budgeting before baby gets here
5. Give each other a day off every week and if you can, take advantage of offers to watch the baby to get to the cinema or something together.
6. Let each other sleep. However works for you both but make sure you both get enough rest.
7. When you feel ready, make love every so often, even if you don't much feel like it. In the words of my Nan "If your doing it, everything else will sort itself out" 😁

Exactly. MN is a poor choice to find examples of healthy, happy relationships.

Agree not to make any big decisions for the first year. It's such a time of change and there will be days when you might feel like you never want to set eyes on your DH again. But it can be hormonal / PND / massive sleep deprivation. And once 12months have passed and everything has settled down, you might feel very differently.

I also took the opportunity periodically to take the baby / children to my parents to stay for the weekend whilst DH stayed at home. I got a break as my DM and DF looked after us all, DH got a break by being able to relax at home without us and having a bit of space helped us to reset. Our DD1 was born in 2021 so in and out of covid lockdowns, and it was particularly hard as we were always on top of each other.

We found that the spontaneity had to go and we became one of those much derided Saturday night shag couples, often in the living room, when the kids got older. But it worked. Otherwise we'd have ended up not having any at all.

Biggest issue we had was when dh hit his late 40s. But that's another story.

Sounds like another concept from America, aka the least sexually tuned in folk on the planet

Plan ahead, cook, do what you can, don’t sweat the extra housework, not all babies are bad sleepers!
Accept what offers of help you get

Can’t say this was an issue. Yes sex took a back seat for a few months because we were both exhausted, but it didn’t affect our relationship at all.

Just try and be aware that it’s not a tiredness competition and cut each other some slack. Hopefully your DH is a good dad and husband and will do his fair share. You are a team.

I think that’s where a lot of the issues come from on here - selfish lazy men that didn’t lift a finger before the baby, consider children and housework to be women’s work, and certainly won’t do anything once the going is actually tough!

With one kid we were able to still manage to connect and time for each other. They sleep, you can get out for nice walks together, lunch time nap together (ie when baby goes for a nap....).

Easier to find someone to take a single baby/child

The move to two is so much harder as there is never as much time.

It's good you are thinking! Get through the first few months with humour and the rest will follow.

And I don't regret my second for a moment!