How do we prepare for the roommate stage/our marriage to change? Expecting our first baby…

[babygirlsoon]

Expecting our baby girl in just a couple of months. We can’t wait and are both so excited, and a bit nervous and clueless too!

I’m really lucky that DH pulls his weight and does the lion’s share of the housework already- he says he doesn’t mind, and seems to take it in his stride. I cook and he pretty much does everything else including the laundry and cleaning. We both feel happy with that set up and I do more as and when needed.

I have heard people talk about the roommate stage with a newborn baby and that is what’s worrying me the most, whether our marriage can do it. We usually get on well but at the start of our relationship bickered a lot so we both did a lot of work on communication. Arguments are extremely rare in our house and we have a lot in common. My sister has panicked me by saying she and her husband nearly divorced. I accept our worlds will change far beyond what we can even imagine, but how do we make sure we stay close in this time?

If it’s relevant, we have family support and DM who is itching to babysit.

My ideas so far are:

• Check in with each other fairly often
• Try and accept any help any relatives offer, even if it’s having the baby for a couple of hours so we can grab lunch or catch up on sleep
• Try not to blame or resent each other and let things go. I’m really working hard to already psyche myself up for the lack of sleep and expect that I will be more tired than DH. DH needs to drive as part of his job so I will need to do the bulk of the night feeds, and I want to breastfeed anyway. I know I might feel frustrated that he has more freedom than I, but I’m telling myself it’s a phase
• Buy a few meal vouchers now for our favourite restaurant so we can go on some nice dates (they have a 12 month expiry date, so even if we don’t feel ready to leave baby on an evening we could take her with us when she’s a bit bigger and have some lunch- wouldn’t go to waste)

What else can we do? What should I know or be aware of? Does anyone have any tips?

Many thanks!

I don’t think this is necessary reality. We loved having a baby, and our relationship has stayed as wonderful as it’s always been. Our DS is 2 and we’re trying for our second. We never felt distance or disconnected from eachother

Dh and I came at it that we were in the trenches together and did whatever we could to get through it. If that meant going back on something we said we wouldn't do there was no backwards looking, only forward and the whole rod for your own back can mean an easier time now and you then deal with it later.

We prioritised our relationship even though we didn't have family nearby to take Ds off our hands for any period of time. We made sure to support each other, praise each other, thank each other. As @Northby says, choose joy, choose to be supportive, choose not to one upmanship on the whole tiredness thing. We tag teamed a lot rather than doing things together all the time so each one of us got a break.

Although harder for Dh to settle Ds1 he still did it, didn't just hand him over to me as I had a year long maternity leave. And yes MN is full of people complaining so here is me balancing that out. Married to Dh 25 years, he is my best friend, he never shirked parenting responsibilities, nappy changes, the hard stuff because I had to do all that myself with no one to hand Ds off to during the day. We genuinely have a laugh with each other every day despite having had 2 children both of whom had medical issues which meant hospital appointments and worry, house moves, job moves, parents dying etc.

My relationship with Dh is important because together we can cope so we made it a priority. Best of luck to you.

One thing a friend said to me when I was bellyaching that I had been home all day whilst husband was at work and I hadn't even managed to put the pots from the night before in the dishwasher... You are temporarily a stay at home MUM not house maid don't expect to get all the chores done in the day.

@Vnector 's post is lovely, listen to her!

My DH and I have been together for 12 years, so some way behind! Married for 10, our kids are 6 and nearly 3 and our third child is due in autumn. The first 6 months or so of having a new baby can be absolutely fucking brutal tbh - but there is nobody who I would have wanted to do it with than my DH. He is a fantastic husband and a devoted father and I'm so happy and grateful that me and my kids have him. Sure, we do bicker, and of course he's not perfect and there are things about him that I don't love! But nobody is perfect and he could definitely say the same about me after all. Our children bring us so much joy (and plenty of anxiety, heartache and frustration too of course! No rose tinted glasses here...!) and I love that we made them together and now we nurture them together.

I was worried about this and honestly once you have the baby you will not care at all, you'll have a thousand other things to think about and be obsessed with your baby.

Some good advice here but as you mentioned communication I would say try not to become the "expert" in your baby. Biggest source of conflict for us was as I was home with her all day I could settle her quicker, understood what she wanted more etc. But this meant I undermined my husband when he was with her (thinking I was helping by pointing things out)
Let your husband have just as much time as you and if he's doing something "wrong"/not the way you would just let him get on with it and learn together

Also ignore everyone who is full of doom and gloom, it's genuinely the best thing ever and your relationship does change but in my experience it just becomes deeper and more meaningful loving a little person you made together.

I would make sure you have time as a couple! We had my DM or MIL come round fairly often (each visit weekly) and after the first 4 weeks, we’d use that time to go out and grab coffee locally, or go out for lunch/dinner depending on when they came over. Make sure you chat about non baby things! We also kept up some of our favourite joint hobbies like going for walks (now with a baby!) and watching movies (Everyman do a great baby club).

Unlike some PP, I felt having sex was a vital part of our relationship and went back to it pretty quickly (after 10 weeks I think). I made an effort to offer/agree to sex even if I was a bit tired, because I thought it helped us be a couple. But of course that depends on how you feel. Don’t be afraid to update your partner on preferences - they do change!

And as others have said - accept help; pay for help like a cleaner if possible; don’t fight about who’s the most tired because you both are exhausted; and there’s nothing more romantic than offering to change a dirty nappy or cuddle a screaming colicky baby!

Learn about night rage and that words and frustration shared overnight shouldn’t be taken personally.

And do not be a martyr. My DH was very hands on domestically before we had DC, but after DS1 I gradually did all the childcare as I was off for a year and increasingly took on more of the housework. It meant that when I went back to work, I was the default parent and the default housekeeper. The resentment drove a huge wedge between us. Fortunately we got through it, but be careful of taking on too much.

Good luck OP, and I mean that sincerely.

Having babies absolutely killed our relationship, we love them to the moon and back but it was to the detriment of us loving each other, weirdly. I don't think that's typical though and it was totally worth it in any case to have our kids. But we know lots of couples where it was the making of them, and you want to put the work in so I think you'll be fine!

Like a previous poster, sex is a really important part of our marriage, so I made an effort to get back into it as soon as possible (I had a Caesarean so I didn't have any tears etc). I made a point of saying yes to sex unless I REALLY wasn't in the mood. Almost always, I found that I enjoyed the sex and the intimacy once we got going.

The first 3 months IME were a complete blur, and the first 12 months were tough due to learning a lot and being tired.

I just wanted to applaud what @Northby said and wish someone had said this to me!! My advice is as follows....

• don't become a 'slave' to anything... your birth 'plan', routine, apps that monitor baby's sleep/wake windows/nappies/developmental stages, white noise, complete darkness, having sex/not having sex, the clock, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby-led weaning... anything really

• once the initial shock has worn off, take advantage in the the first few months of having a portable baby to catch up with friends, go for a coffee with your DH, visit a few places

• always remember that childcare is a family expense, and that your own profession/pension/property is important longer term

• never talk to each other 'through' the baby, just talk to each other

• prioritise sleep. Both of you. Sleep makes everything better. But prioritise your normal sleeping arrangements too. IME long-term cosleeping and bed swapping leads to clingy DCs and disconnected couples. Just my experience though.

• Remember that this is just one short chapter in your life. You had lives together before, and more importantly, you will for the years to come. Pace yourselves!!

• if you have laid-back, sensible friends and and family, share your baby with them... you're there for the long haul... don't be precious about holding, visiting, little things they do... this is the 'village' you may well be looking for in future

• don't put too much store in baby classes. See them as a pleasant pastime. You probably won't make friends but life, but if for and your baby have a nice time ands a break from the routine, that's ok. If you don't do ask the baby classes, dinner worry. You probably won't make parent friends at nursery either... This generally happens much more between pre-school and the end of year 1 when the party circuit is in full flow.

• walk outside every day

• remember you don't have any objectives, targets or KPIs to meet for your DC... just enjoy it! Enjoy the different pace and intensity of life... walk, cook, read and connect with others while you can on maternity leave.

You're truly alive and needed!! Trust your instincts.

I would say do things like have your freezer stocked with home cooked meals, get a cleaner in of you can afford too. That will help in the early weeks.

Always remember that you are both on the same team. It's so easy to get into the competive tiredness game. As you have said he drives as part of his job I can appreciate you will be doing most of the night feeds. That doesn't absolve him of tasks during the day though. Does he get much paternity leave? If not I'd be expecting him to use some annual leave. He can bath baby change nappies, cuddle, sing or read to her. Try not to step in and take over, allow him to find his own way.

My dh was an equal partner before we had kids and that hasn't changed now. In my case he did 3 night shifts a week with each child and our kids are just as well looked after by him as they are by me. Intimacy isn't just sex, cuddles, kisses just appreciating each other helps. I agree with a pp it's more women in relationships that are responsible for the mental and physical load that really struggle with their relationship after a baby because they expect some miraculous switch to activate but it predictably doesn't and they get disappointed.