How can I stop being such a stroppy, irritable cow?

[Oreosandwich]

I know why it's happening. I get overwhelmed easily by noise, mess, and touch (especially touch). I'm a single parent with no help, running two businesses to keep us afloat. I'm also mid 40s and going through perimenopause.

But it needs to stop for the dc sake. I love them to death but they annoy me so much. The constant questions, whining, touching, leaving their crap everywhere, and endless stream of questions is getting harder to deal with. I'm letting them spend more and more time on devices just to get some peace, but I then spend my time doomscrolling my phone to zone out. They are amazing kids and will clear up, do their chores when reminded or asked. They are also bright, respectful and curious and want to know everything about everything but I want silence! I'm getting snappy and sarcastic with them and I'm worried it will damage our relationship.

An example is this morning I was in bed with a coffee and dd came in to get in bed with me. She pulled the blanket off me while getting in, knocked my coffee which stained the blanket, then elbowed me in the stomach while trying to snuggle in. I ended up snapping at her and she left quite upset 😢 I always apologise after snapping but then 10 minutes later it happens again. It feels like an almost primal rage or desperation to get away from the annoyance.

I also find myself snapping at people while driving or muttering at strangers. I just want to be calm and serene! Any advice greatly appreciated.

Kids are 8 and 10.

HRT. Stopped it for me within a couple of weeks

I'd start with hrt if you can get the bugger. I'd also say you desperately need to carve some time out for yourself regularly. Be selfish type of thing but I'm at a loss to how. You're a machine man, no wonder your bottles full up.
Humans are like pressure cookers. We have to let off steam sometimes

I’ve got to say, this sounds like me and I’ve been on HRT for years. It’s not a magic bullet for everyone. Saying that, I also have B12 deficiency and am definitely worse when my injection is due. Then I feel like my entire body is a raw nerve and everything annoys me, especially being touched.

I feel exactly the same although my kids are slightly older. I soooo want to live on my own in silence. I can't stand it.

It sounds like you are completely overloaded and overwhelmed, being everything to everyone. You need space and support - do you have any regular childcare, or time for yourself when they're at school? Can you manage to pay for any help at all? HRT might make you feel better, but it won't sort out the root cause of life being understandably too much.
Also, any chance you could be autistic? I wasn't diagnosed until I was 42. It made me understand my experiences of overwhelm much better, and recognise it for what it was

I'll make an appointment to discuss HRT. Well, try to get an appointment! I had bloods done a year ago for swollen lymph nodes and was told all normal, although I've read that what nhs considers normal can actually be low/high.

I know I'm burned out, but that won't change anytime soon. Hopefully next year I can go down to a 4 day work week. Thank you for the replies and sorry so many of us are going through it.

You can get HRT from Boots (you have to pay).

@Seaside1234 I suspect I'm autistic. Ds is, and I see a lot of myself in him. I also have a lot of adhd symptoms like burnout, task paralysis, hyper focus, etc.

No support unfortunately, parents are dead and I'm an only child. Ex will have them if and when it suits him and pays no cm. So I know why it's happening, but it's not fair on the dc. They only have me, no grandparents, aunts, uncles or cousins. Dp floats in and out. I need to do better for them but I'm drowning.

*ex dp that should say.

HRT

I found a perimenopause supplement from Health and Her really helped. But I’m a bit earlier, only just on the cusp of perimenopause. But worth a consideration if it turns out HRT isn’t for you.

Do you get enough sleep? I'm noticeably irritable when I don't whereas I'm usually pretty chill (well, I still mutter at all the terrible drivers!)

Working two businesses (how?!) while kids home from school must be exhausting anyway, add in doomscrolling (which I did today and now eyes are sore and I’m irritable because I didn’t do anything’worthy😅’) and coffee- it’s it all op. You’re stressed, wrecked, overstimulated and perimenopausal with no break x you need proper sleep (id advise turning off screens at least an hour before bed, it was magic when I got into it!) as well as all recommended above xx hugs, I’m a snappy cow too, snap, apologise, make plans to be a ‘better’ mum, snap almost immediately. Sigh.

Hmm coming at it from a different angle, I think your children need to understand your human and give you some space. I accept it's hard if they have some additional needs, but mine understood from just turned 3 that if I said 'I'm having a coffee and don't want to be disturbed for 10 minutes' that they needed to leave me alone. Yours are considerably past that stage and must manage fine in situations like school not having constant adult attention.

I am exactly the same. I’m 42, everything seems to annoy me and I feel like everyone probably thinks I’m a grumpy cow. I have tried HRT but didn’t get on with it. I’m being assessed for ADHD but strongly suspect ASD too.

Tbf anyone would snap at the coffee in bed incident. Neither of your kids are babies or toddlers without understanding of their surroundings.

But other then that I know what you mean with irritation. I also thinks it's hormones with me. If you find the magic cure I'd love to hear it

Sleep is rubbish, arsehole neighbour 😡

@stayathomer thank you for the kind words. I've been a self employed cleaner for the last 4 years, but it's back breaking work and can't keep up the pace anymore. I retrained and am currently building up clientele for the new business so am stuck between the two at the moment. I do 2 days new job and 3-4 days cleaning. Once I move over to new job completely I can hopefully drop down to 4 days as it's better money.

@Underthesinkk You are right. I feel a huge amount of guilt because of ex dp. So I try to be superwomen for the dc, but can't sustain it.

I don't know but if you find the answer, please share. I'm starting therapy soon to see if that helps but what I really need is some fucking peace

Can you pay for some childcare, or swap with friend/neighbour/acquaintance? Are your kids old enough that you can leave them for even half an hour while you go for a walk/run/nap?

You really are doing an amazing job. I know it doesn't feel that way, but we see you x

You sound overwhelmed and it’s not surprising when you have to be everything to your children with little support. It’s really hard when the kids are being difficult and you can’t even offload to a partner. I was a single parent for years, and was orphaned with no family help and I found that was the hardest thing. And my kids were nt. I’d start by cutting yourself some slack. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling your kids you need a bit of downtime in a matter of fact way-far better than snapping at them. Are there any days where you can wake extra early and have some peace time before they get up? Make a coffee and sit outside for a bit? Is it possible to send them to a couple of activities during the holidays so you can have some space? And talk to your ex about more shared responsibility? I’d definitely look at HRT. Before I tried that, I’d find myself irrationally angry and weepy over trivia and found HRT made me feel on a much more even keel. I feel a lot of sympathy-trying to do everything on your own with the responsibility of young kids is hard.

You have my sympathy! I find getting regular hard exercise (eg running or swimming) helps me cope. Also HRT, avoiding alcohol and eating a healthy diet. I’d also recommend investing time in your ‘school mum’ friendships so you can do the odd childcare swap and catch a break sometimes. Also breathwork can help in soothing the nervous system.

The only reason my husband is alive and not buried under the patio is because of HRT

Frankly I don't know how women coped before, was there more infanticide - husbandicide ?

Some investigations need to be made into the past

I refuse to believe all those mediaeval menopausal women didn't kill a fuck load

I feel exactly the same, except I'm not yet perimenopausal, so can't use that as an excuse.

I'm just completely overstimulated.

Two things in particular in your post resonated with me:

The kids endless streams of questions....I really struggle with this. It's so draining.

The doomscrolling to zone out. I do this too. It's a form of escapism. I used to be an avid reader, but I now don't get the time to focus on a book, so I just doom scroll because it doesn't require any concentration.

I'm not perimenopausal so can't try HRT, so not sure what I'll try.

(I also do sometimes suspect ADD or ADHD, which a couple of Pp's have mentioned).

To me, it sounds as if you are justified in being annoyed. You are dealing with a lot! Maybe the situation needs fixing rather than just medication. Easier said than done, though.