Being the 'poor' friend in a friendship group?

[reptaile]

I understand that this is a very first world problem and we are fortunate for what we have. I also acknowledge that we are in the position we are in because of our own choices.

DH and I are both from middle class families, private schools, Oxbridge, then decided to become teachers in state schools. Consequently, most of our friends from university or school, earn far far more than us, or have inherited wealth.

Both sets of our parents went into homes which ate up all of their cash, including their homes. We also live in an expensive part of the country, so even though DH and I both earn around 38k a year, this doesn't go very far with having children.

Most of our friends have holiday homes, fly business class, have kids in private school, eat out in very expensive restaurants. We don't do/have any of these because we made the choice to work in the public sector rather than bankers/lawyers etc. I always feel 'lesser than' and the 'poor' family.

Has anyone else found ways to deal with this feeling?

Why do you feel ‘lesser’? You chose to do a job you felt would bring you joy and satisfaction. If money is important to you, then consider changing jobs or go for promotions, I know headteachers in state schools on well over £100k.

I feel bad that our children are not getting the same opportunities, and as such, that I'm a worse parent. It's also hard when friends are discussing pool renovations at their house in Menorca and we can hardly afford a new kitchen sink.

I’ll join you in the ex-oxbridge teacher corner, OP. I’m a single parent so have a hugely restricted budget. Bumped into an old college friend the other day (high flyer, significant public profile etc) who assumed I was joining the college reunion in October and could not understand why I was “making excuses”, so I just said very bluntly that I could not afford it. He was clearly a bit staggered at my failure! Most of my friends married people we were at college with or who went to the “other place”; lots of the women don’t work, most of the men are earning millions. And here I am, squeezing myself into my old clothes that are a size too small for menopausal me because I can’t afford even a pair of jeans from Asda.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I'd find new friends if that's how you feel.

It's tough for them too as they likely feel they have to walk on eggshells around you.

Feel for you, I’m in a slightly similar position. It can be hard to hang out with much richer friends and I also feel my kids are starting to compare lifestyles etc.

to my mind, there are two ways to go about this.

if you truly wish you had more material wealth, make a career change and start earning more. Or if you don’t, then reduce (not cut just reduce) contact with much richer friends and acquaintances, and socialise more with people with a similar income level who also share your values.

When you do see richer friends, and they go on about their recent trip to Bali and kitchen renovation, remind yourself what truly matters to you and all the joy you find in that and make sure to show your kids that you’re happy for your friends that they have what they have and not envious. Cherish what you have and stand by the choices you’ve made or change your life to get what you want.

I have some well off friends too OP, and a much smaller house than most. It is hard when you see others giving their kids more, or struggling less.

But you have two good choices:* *

1. Have conviction about the life choices you have made and make peace with the situation. (Are you happy? Do you enjoy your job? Are your kids well looked after? Lots of money does not necessarily make a happy person/family!)
2. Increase what you earn, if it’s important to you.

There’s nothing wrong with either option! But action either way is key. Ruminating on dissatisfaction is no way to live.

You are not alone.
It is so painful being around people who just assume you can afford what they can.
We do not come from wealthy families, no inherited wealth and I am not a high earner.
In reality we are fine but we can't afford a holiday this year and we don't have any spare cash.
But we have super wealthy friends like you OP.
Also attended a college reunion earlier this year. Yes rather painful many women not needing to work. Spending all day playing tennis, multiple holidays etc etc.
I have gently distanced myself.

I’m very much the poor friend in my book group. They all met while parents at (international) school (I just work there and got to know a few of them) and without exception they are married to /partnered with very rich / high earning men. None of them ‘had’ to work. Most of them have at least two homes. They can pay outright for their kids to go to Uni overseas, and for masters / phds. They all have massive houses / pools / etc. They ‘retire’ early and have plenty of money to travel, visit their children wherever they are, renovate their homes etc.

but you know what? they still have the same shitty things happen in their lives as I do. They have children with disabilities, children who’ve been seriously ill, children who’ve attempted suicide or been depressed or gone completely off the rails. They’ve gone through divorce, bankruptcies, horrible family situations, shitty marriages to horrible selfish men. They got ill and failed and had to put their own ambitions to the side to facilitate their husbands careers. Honestly, for every time that I roll my eyes at their privilege, I also want to hug them for whatever rubbish thing they are going through. Money doesn’t insulate you from the bad things that happen in life.

i guess what I’m saying is: try and focus being a friend to them, irrespective of their income.

the other thing I remind myself of is that my children:

Live in a safe, warm, clean home with beds to sleep in, clean running water, reliable electricity.
Have food in the fridge, pocket money for treats.
Have two parents who adore them and who are behind them all the way and an extended family who loves them.
Get to go to a good school, with teachers and resources and support
Have no financial worries. we aren’t rich - but hell we are far from poor.
Live in a country where they can safely go out, make friends, express opinions, be themselves.

They are already way ahead of 99% of the world’s population. Try comparing downward to the vast majority of children living in poverty, hunger, war, insecurity rather than upwards to the tiny percentage who have a materially more advantaged life.

It’s feeling like you have to explain that you can’t join in a meet up, because the cost of transport, plus a drink and the cheapest thing on the menu is still unaffordable.

Fending off questions about where you’re going on holiday.

But there’s no guarantee that those who have expensive holidays, regular costly meals out, trips or whatever else, will make them any happier, or appreciate what they have.

I guarantee your friends don't care that you have less money, nor do they see you as inferior, so please try to focus on that OP.

It also doesn't sound like your children are missing out on anything. A holiday home in Menorca is hardly a necessary childhood experience. Your friendship group sounds unusual if they are all living this lifestyle. I know many City/Oxbridge/privately educated people, and this sort of lifestyle is exceptional. Don't you have any friends who live more normally?

Do you want to increase your income? As a teacher couple you could be earning far more than you are with additional and management responsibilities.

You made that choice to be teachers due to your interests, values or other reasons so stand by them and if they've changed then you can change jobs?

Everyone knows teachers are poor so decent friends should either offer to host or meet you at budget friendly places. But you can't expect them to tone down their expensive lives because it works both ways - you should be supportive of them if you're a true friend. If you're not that's ok no one has to hang with their uni cohort into middle age?

I actually think it’s better for your mental health to mix with people who are living similar lives. Even though we are a high income family due to my OH we operate like a lower middle income family because i
just don’t feel comfortable with high earners. I hate competing about jobs and renovations and just want normal conversation. So my advice is hang out with people that make you feel good about yourselves.

This nails it. Own your choices or make some changes, both are perfectly decent options.

I know what you mean. It’s upsetting because you still cherish the friendships but sometimes the gap between you seems so big. And while it’s expected that we will appreciate the choices they made to pursue wealth, nobody makes the effort to appreciate or celebrate the choices we have made to pursue other things.

I spoke to a friend the other day when we were both going through work problems. She actually said, ‘of course, I’m not in your position because I’ve got money.’ Made me feel like shit. Another friend told me a great anecdote about how they were double glazing their bedroom but it was taking ages because they have seven windows. Then she said I should come and visit as ‘we have a spare floor’

Actually thinking about it I think it’s the fact that my friends don’t really ‘see’ me or my choices that makes me sad. They think I’ve failed because I’m not rich. But I never set out to be rich. I set out to do some other things, and actually I’m doing ok at them.

I don’t think they have failed because they didn’t meet my goals, though. I understand what they were aiming for, and celebrate it when it works out for them

Comparison is the third of joy 🤷‍♀️

Also money very much does not equal happiness ime.

Be grateful for what you have.

My neighbour comes from the same background as you and was a deputy head at a state school on 60kish for years until his recent promotion to head at a private school at the age of 40 (he’s a London commuter and specialises on STEM to earn these salaries) . Nobody thinks of him as a failure. If anything his friends view him as a bit of a hero. It’s all about the choices we make - if you want more money try to make it happen.

I wouldn't assume that your children are automatically less privileged than theirs just based on salary. Obviously I don't know anything about their families, but your kids have 2 parents that specialise in nurturing children and the education system, plus you probably get to spend more time with them than you would in a typical high powered office job or if you were running your own business etc. If you think about the big picture then expensive holidays abroad might not seem like the epitome of privilege.

I'm really saddened to see people suggesting that you distance yourselves from your friends... i'm sure they would be very upset if you did that as it wouldn't occur to them to think less of you simply because you chose a lower paid career!

Success is about setting yourself a goal and you achieving it, which you have. I am one of the most successful people I know because, when studying for all hours doing my A-levels and at Uni, with no time to sit down and watch TV in the evening, I decided that one day i would like a job where I could come home, switch off and sit with a cup of tea and packet of biscuits in the evenings. In fact, I also wanted to be a sahm, have 2 kids and a cat and a dog. I have achieved all of that. I have many friends in law ( my original career). They go on and on about how lucky I am. They are trapped on a treadmill working all hours and commuting. They are run down and stressed, in spite of having nannies and cleaners etc. Yet they can't stop their quest for status, so have old georgian houses in central locations that they can't afford to maintain or are drafty, whilst they work to pay for private schooling, nannies, cleaners and a brand new Tesla each. We moved to the suburbs near a nice state school and have one car. We haven't had to make huge sacrifices. We are by no means on the breadline, but we enjoy a comfortable life free of the trappings of name brands or pressure to compare ourselves. We don't have money to put into savings and holidays are nice, but not frivolous.

Ask yourself: would you like to be a lawyer and work all hours every evening and on weekends? Would you enjoy a commercial job in an office and commuting? Would you mind having to pay for childcare over the holidays and miss out on that time with your children? If you don't enjoy your jobs or find them too stressful, then consider a career change. But if you are basically happy with your jobs (where you spend most of your life) and with your work life balance and are generally happy and in good health, then it sounds to be as though you are pretty successful.

You’re doing something meaningful which aligns with your values and will shape future generations.

If it helps you feel better I'm ex oxbridge and don't even earn a. Teacher salary after leaving twaching.

From my position (and many in my area) you are on an incredibe combined salary of about 76k?????. We genuinely would be living the life of Riley on that salary compared to what we're on now.

I guess it just goes to show it's relative. I feel bad my kids aren't getting all the experiences your kids will get... And am drastically trying to sort my life out at 45 after disability and leaving teaching.

With your upbringing and emotional intelligence did you not realise that you were going to be in this situation?

Its a bit foolish now to complain when I’ve got no doubt that you realised what you were doing was going to have the consequences you are now faced with

Honestly the mind boggles!

Also, the way that I see it is that you can have more money or you can have more time. Rarely do you get to have both. Both have a worth. For example, one of my lawyer friends turned down a job that could have ended up with a £1million yearly salary, because it would have meant surrendering what little precious family time that he had left (and probably his marriage too). The less free time you have, the more precious it becomes. At some point the balance can tip the wrong way. Ask yourself what monetary value you would put on your leisure time. Would be be prepared to work 12 hours a day 6 days a week for £150k? What about 14 hours a day for 7 days a week for £1 million? At some point you reach a point where no job, regardless of the salary is worth it. It's a useful exercise to go through re considering the financial worth of things such as leisure and family time. You start to realise that they do actually have a lot of worth to them.

Your heading caught my eye because it’s how I’m feeling just now. Your post showed we are in very different scenarios.

Im sad because Im a single mum and don’t have the babysitters or money to do nights out or weekends away with my friends. I’ve had to say no so often they’ve stopped inviting me. I feel left out but I can’t blame them. I’d love your earnings.

Equally my child is fed, clothes and had a lovely summer doing local activities, we’re very lucky. We know families living near us in cramped conditions and without enough food. Comparison is the thief of joy. Focus on the good things.