Being the 'poor' friend in a friendship group?

[reptaile]

I understand that this is a very first world problem and we are fortunate for what we have. I also acknowledge that we are in the position we are in because of our own choices.

DH and I are both from middle class families, private schools, Oxbridge, then decided to become teachers in state schools. Consequently, most of our friends from university or school, earn far far more than us, or have inherited wealth.

Both sets of our parents went into homes which ate up all of their cash, including their homes. We also live in an expensive part of the country, so even though DH and I both earn around 38k a year, this doesn't go very far with having children.

Most of our friends have holiday homes, fly business class, have kids in private school, eat out in very expensive restaurants. We don't do/have any of these because we made the choice to work in the public sector rather than bankers/lawyers etc. I always feel 'lesser than' and the 'poor' family.

Has anyone else found ways to deal with this feeling?

Do you get more holiday time off with your kids than them, being teachers?

If so, you don’t need expensive holidays, just give your children more of you. I’m the adult child of parents who were the lowest earners in their friendship group. I didn’t know it at the time, but my childhood was incredible!! We camped, played in lakes and rivers, scrambled up mountains, and most importantly, learnt how to risk assess.

Your kids have your time and that is priceless.

It's all relative. I have friends who just about manage, friends who can spend freely and take several holidays a year, and a couple friends who have millions (one has a trust fund and also inherited £4m in cash last year).
But I hope my less well off friends don't feel they can't 'keep up' with me, and while I may envy the beautiful house with land and second home in the French Alps, I don't feel the pressure as it's just not something I could ever consider. And I'm sure they have wealthier friends with an even bigger ski chalet and staff! And when we plan to meet up it's hardly cocktails at the Savoy - they are not ignorant that not everyone has a champagne budget!
Also if you met my multimillionaire friend you'd never know it. She's been through the mill and is very aware of her wealth privilege, which hasn't saved her from plenty of heartache in her life.

I can see it’s tricky - and you’d have to be very clear and boundaried - if you can’t afford to do the same things as a group, but cannot for the life of me see why you would see being state school teachers as ‘lesser’. You have less money than them - but you are not poor, nor less as people.

Examine your life choices I guess, and if you aren’t happy - time for a career change? Otherwise get some therapy and sort your head out.

We were poor growing up.
My mum & dad & older siblings all worked in the fruit industry and my grandparents looked after me.
Some Christmases there were many gifts under the tree, some there were hardly any. It didn’t occur to me that that was out of the ordinary until I was an adult.
We never once went on holiday. Ever.
My grandparents had a cabin in the mountains. That was my escape.
I never felt poor. I never felt neglected or put-upon because other kids had more or got more or took vacays that we didn’t.
Because I was loved.
Shower your kids with love and they’ll be the richest kids in the world. I promise.
The material stuff is just stuff, after all - isn’t it. ❤️

And for heaven’s sake put down that 10-stone bag of guilt that mothers insist on carrying around.

The career change isn't so simple though. I wish it was (my current dilemma)

I feel you OP. I dont even have the Oxbridge education

It’s hard work socialising with others who don’t have roughly the same amount of disposable cash. Just make some new friends and save yourself all the anxiety.

A wealthy childhood and a happy childhood aren’t the same thing.

Do you really think they see you as 'lesser' OP, or could it be your own internalisation of bulshit capitalist ideology that makes you feel that? Its very powerful. We all internalise it and beat ourselves up. I have friends who make loads more money than I, working in business, finance, tech. I work in education, like you. We need those guys to make money pay tax, but they need us to teach people. We're equal.
I wouldn't hang out with people who made me feel lesser because I don't earn much.
However, from a practical point of view, re holidays/ restaurants etc, its tricky. My loaded mates just don't expect me to join those things, and I expect them not to hold it against me!

Why on earth do you feel "lesser"? I'm the only one in my friendship group who rents, everyone else owns their homes, some even own more than one. I don't even think about it as it has nothing whatsoever to do with our friendship.

If it makes you feel any better, unless I win the lottery having £76k in household income will only ever be a dream. I'd be ecstatic to get half that. Subtract £50k and it's still more than I earn. I have no partner either. Holidays to me are a few days on a local camp site so the kids can run around a bit. Also, the locals in Menorca and other popular places probably don't like rich Brits coming in and buying up housing so your friends may actually be quite unpopular there.

OP I think you need to get a sense of perspective. I am from the kind of background where becoming a teacher is aspirational. Its strange to me that you would see that as failure.

I think you need to change your social circle

How old are you and where do you live? Is £38k standard? Are you going to be promoted to HoY, HoD, Deputy Head?

I haven’t read the whole thread but I went to a comprehensive school and was the first in my family to go to university. My DD went to a ‘good’ comprehensive school in a deprived part of the country and subsequently Oxbridge. My mother’s house had to be sold for care home fees before she died after years of the most horrific type of dementia.

I feel privileged to have had a good state education and that my DD had an excellent state education. You will have changed the life opportunities of many students and that will be your legacy.

C'mon, give yourself a shake. If you work in a state school you must be extremely aware that vanishingly few people have a holiday home, fly first class blah blah. So what?
I've just been doing some family tree research and learnt that my great grandfather started working as a miner at 14 and did it for 46 years. My great grandmother died aged 30, leaving 6 kids orphaned. Try looking at it from that angle and get a grip.

Yes - my great-grandmother started work at 15, many miles from her pit village. She was one of 19 children, of whom 8 survived infancy. Her husband died in World War Two, leaving her a war widow at 40. We all lead very privileged lives.

I have almost exactly the same situation as OP so I do get it. I got especially furious the other day when my mates were on at me to get an avion card to collect airmiles, with no understanding that I didn't fly regularly and it would legit be a waste of time

What can you do? I'm poorer than them. Its partly by choice, mostly by birth but moaning doesnt help. I could have chosen a different job for the money but I wanted to feel like my job mattered and I wanted to care about it. Thats a choice.

My mates aren't arseholes, they just have different norms to me. If they were deliberately arses they wouldn't be mates right?

Have a little private pity party every so often and then move on, life's too short.

Humm.....I'm not fussed about a holiday home (means always going to the same place and I like variety. )
I've never had a problem flying 'couch'
Private school would have been nice for the kids , but they both got to uni and attained good degrees.

Are there any in the group in your position? I think it’s harder if you are the odd one out (for whatever reason), it’s much harder then if there is a range.

You aren’t going to catch up with inherited wealth so changing jobs won’t make much difference.

How long have you both been teaching? @reptaile It doesn’t sound like either of you have gone up to the Upper Pay Scale-why’s that?

Wealth can come and go too. We have spent many years being comfortable, I didn't work when the kids were little nice house, nothing in the league you say but definitely didn't have to worry. Then work dried up for my DH and we have burnt through our security money. Luckily I do work but earning not as much as I would have if I'd not had a break. Your jobs will give you security and time in the holidays so just find the most cost effective ways of enjoying that. Kids actually really only do want time and attention, not fancy hotels. It is very hard though saying no to things that you'd love to provide. I'd love to take my kids away more have adventures more theatre trips etc, but I guess that time may come again as circumstances change and is actually a good lesson for them . My DD has a bar job and saving for uni. I've made it clear it's her choice to go and will be getting the full loan. I'd love for her not to take as much debt on and to treat her to everything she wants but I just can't and she is gaining a lot by working. Try and count your blessings, you are doing ok