My husband is away and ...

[missmousemouth]

... my house is tidy. The DC are going to bed on time; they're clearing the table, stacking and unstacking the dishwasher. No major fights between them. The atmosphere is calm and easy. Everything feels organised and under control.

Why is this?

My DH is hands on, helps out around the house, a very good father. But everything is just easier when he's on a business trip.

There's got to be some weird psychology behind this. I notice it every time he's away and can't quite work it out.

It's the same in my house. The atmosphere is calmer because I am calmer. I am more relaxed knowing that I'm the captain of the ship, and no one will interrupt my plans by deciding let's have an impromptu trip out or something or no I don't want chicken, I fancy steak tonight, let's go to the butchers etc. plus there's no one irritating me by dumping dishes in the sink or opening the fridge 35 times a day to check some food hasn't magically appeared since the last time he checked.

I wouldn't want him to be away all of the time but I do like the atmosphere in the house when it's just me and the kids.

My DH used to have a job where he was away a lot. It's definitely taken a bit if adjusting to now that he works from home the majority of the time...

Yes! I think it's because I know that I need to do most things do just crack on and do them, it's far more efficient!

It was like this in my house when mine were small.

You know it has to be done and can get on and do it. There's no time spent on discussing who does what. Even if that's a brief discussion and you both agree, it still takes headspace 🤷

Because your not tidying for another adult, your made the mess and your tidying your own mess? There's no debate who needs to sort it etc.

Is he a bit of a drama queen? Makes a fuss about the chores he does? Narrates his own life, tells you how much he's done for everyone and expects lots of appreciation?
I say this as DD2 was quietly making his own lunch when DH appeared full of energy and started making a big deal about lunch and cooking bacon sandwiches. He has darted about asked everyone multiple questions do you want this or that, all urgent and demanding. If I don't answer immediately, think too long, he'll have a hissy fit about how ungrateful I am or he's not doing anything for me as I can't decide.
I appreciate his efforts, but the drama he can create over a simple chore can be tiring.

What is your husband's energy like? Is he highly strung? Even if a person is helpful and does their share, if the are highly strung they are going to make waves in one way or another.

Same here, although my marriage is generally not in a good way. I think the kids know where they stand with me - when it's just me I'll enforce reasonable boundaries without worrying if H agrees, and that's much clearer for all of us. He creates a lot of uncertainty.

Ooh yes, this!

We are both now retired; me first. Was thinking this morning how much easier it was when I was here on my own and I just cracked on with the housework without telling him what I’m doing and talking to myself without him going “eh?” And making myself lunch without having to feed the five thousand. I love the house to myself

My DH went away a couple of months ago and it was bliss. It was just so easy.
The kids noticed and remarked on it too, everyone was just chilled out and we all got along better, no drama.
DH is highly strung. He gets home from work and starts nagging and it's all about him. He has OCD which makes a difference. When he was away I could load the dishwasher to run overnight. I could leave a magazine on the floor next to the sofa knowing I'd tidy it the next day (or the day he arrived home, whatever) but just 'stuff' didn't matter. It really highlighted how much we tiptoe around his moods.
In loyalty to him I couldn't just 100% agree life would be calmer without it....but it would! Except I'd have the financial stress of being a single mum. But honestly, whenever he's worked away has felt like a holiday for the rest of us.

For me, it's the constantly having to accommodate another adult, discuss plans, negotiate/compromise, facilitate him as well etc etc etc. And it is definitely something women do far more than men do.

I have a friend whose husband likes to say that she's a control freak, he can't make plans because she always wants it done her way etc etc etc except that I know the reality is that when he makes plans, he mostly doesn't think about any of the broader logistics (what will they do with the dog for those 6 hours, will their SEN child cope with that level of activity, can her dietary restrictions be accommodated etc). And to rub salt into the wound, when she's making plans for the family, she's ALWAYS considering him and his preferences and he's completely oblivious to all of this. I honestly think if they ever get divorced, it will be after he says, yet again, "Oh, Jenny doesn't let me make any plans".

One thing I will say though is that Dh has never been away for a long time. The last time he was away it was 4 nights and I did definitely start to feel it by the end - being the one to do EVERYTHING. So the first 3 days were great, sure, but the many many contributions he does make were definitely starting to be missed by the end!

@missmousemouth

My Dad used to work away quite a bit, I LIVED my Dsd beyond measure. But there was definitely a much more chilled vibe at home when he was away.

same with my relationship & everyone I've known.

it 'a thing'. Just enjoy it!!

For me it's that there's no one else to do it so I just crack on. No one else is going to cook tea or get the kids dressed. My dh is hands on too but I get it. You find a rhythm

Same happens here, it's just so much easier.

Same here. It’s partly having two bosses in the house. And partly that the other boss is t able to stay in their lane or read the room! 😁

Even today in the garden, I ended up doing things in the wrong order because he started in on stuff and lnocked me off my stride. He’s just not a team player!

I think you’ll find it works both ways. Same for me but my DH will tell you the same when I’m away. Same with shopping or going out. If either one of us takes the kids alone there is generally less drama between them.

Yes exactly the same here too! And to be fair to him, he doesn't make mess and he picks up after himself. I just for some reason am so much more efficient when he's not around.

I so hear you op!

I think it’s partly because women are socialised to accommodate everyone else before cracking on with their own stuff, whereas I’ve noticed that my dh just cracks on according to his own schedule and no one else’s! So we (women) are more inclined to do that when we have the house to ourselves.

It’s also something to do with the subtleties of the balance of power in relationships and men often dominate!

Oh my god YES.
You have absolutely nailed it there. I’m copying this and reading it every day 🙌

dh used to work in the office but after COVID he WFH full time. I'm a sahm. I find it incredibly hard to just get on and do the housework during the day with him here. It's nothing he does particularly...he doesn't make mess or ask me to be quiet or anything like that
I just get so much more done when I'm alone in the house.

I was just pondering this myself!! DH is great & certainly more of a help than creating work himself but it’s so relaxed when he is away. I think as pp said usually I consider his standards as well as my own (he returns this), which can create tiny but irritating jobs I don’t care about like putting shoes away. When he is away we tend to do more relaxed things like cooking or library rather than maximising the family time. Also I am highly motivated to get everything done so I can begin a Gilmore Girls TV marathon nice & early this evening ha.

I wish I had a solution for you to copy though Meowfoy!

😀😀