Page 2 | My husband is away and ...

missmousemouth · 2024-08-17T11:03:14+00:00

... my house is tidy. The DC are going to bed on time; they're clearing the table, stacking and unstacking the dishwasher. No major fights between them. The atmosphere is calm and easy. Everything feels organised and under control. Why is this? My DH is hands on, helps out around the house, a very good father. But everything is just *easier* when he's on a business trip. There's got to be some weird psychology behind this. I notice it every time he's away and can't quite work it out.

Original poster

missmousemouth · 17/08/2024 21:52

I think it’s partly because women are socialised to accommodate everyone else before cracking on with their own stuff, whereas I’ve noticed that my dh just cracks on according to his own schedule and no one else’s!

This has really made me think!

I've been pondering the situation today as well, and I wonder if it's partly because when he's away I have to do it, so I just do it.

But when he's here, I feel that he needs to pick up 50% and I get frustrated if it doesn't happen as quickly and as properly as I'd like.

There's a difference, to me, between doing 100% when it's just the children. Or doing 100% when there's another adult present. I won't be his handmaid, which means I may be ever so slightly dissatisfied with the way things happen.

But it's definitely smoother and easier when he's away.

7 days still to go.

OP posts:

Original poster

missmousemouth · 17/08/2024 21:55

Even if that's a brief discussion and you both agree, it still takes headspace 🤷

Oh yes. This too. The mental load eases. Because although he is helpful, he needs to be 'directed' every single time. It guest happen automatically. And that's extra work.

OP posts:

Original poster

missmousemouth · 17/08/2024 21:55

*doesn't happen automatically

OP posts:

GrandHighPoohbah · 17/08/2024 21:59

Same here. I think it's because I don't have to accommodate his work schedule in the evenings, so can just make dinner when it suits me, watch what I want on TV, etc

Singleandproud · 17/08/2024 22:00

I don't really think we are designed to raise our children with the male of the species, I think like many species we are meant to do it alone. Men would have historically been out most the time at war, hunting (although the best hunters were also women) protecting the territory etc. I think evolutionarily we would have gotten on much better as a village of women, children and elders rubbing along together, modern life and cohabiting with 2.4 children having two adults trying to be involved in the domestic environment just doesn't really work.

Admittedly I have never actually cohabited with a partner and have happily raised DD on my own.

BurbageBrook · 17/08/2024 22:03

Before we had a baby, I enjoyed a night to myself with a romcom and a glass of wine if DH went away. Now with a one year old, I find it much much harder if he's not here!

Kneeslikethese · 17/08/2024 22:03

Oh yes definitely.
Dh used to work away pretty often and the house was always so much tidier even though he does his share around the house. I also found the kids (teens) would help more unasked and chose to spend time with me rather than in their rooms more, and they have a good relationship with their dad, I think it was more they either thought I needed the company or had my undivided attention.
Also we consumed so much less! Toilet roll and milk use dropped through the floor! (I'm looking at you shitty mc coffee aadict)

However mums taxi was on overtime so there is that.

Cattery · 17/08/2024 22:34

Comedycook · 17/08/2024 16:39

dh used to work in the office but after COVID he WFH full time. I'm a sahm. I find it incredibly hard to just get on and do the housework during the day with him here. It's nothing he does particularly...he doesn't make mess or ask me to be quiet or anything like that
I just get so much more done when I'm alone in the house.

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Exactly. X

Original poster

missmousemouth · 18/08/2024 00:34

BurbageBrook · 17/08/2024 22:03

Before we had a baby, I enjoyed a night to myself with a romcom and a glass of wine if DH went away. Now with a one year old, I find it much much harder if he's not here!

Oh yes! To be fair, when my children were tiny, DH going away terrified me.

But it's really quite lovely now. Whenever DH leaves he always tells them to "Look after Mummy" (probably the loveliest thing he can say). The time alone with them is precious.

OP posts:

geekygardener · 18/08/2024 02:28

Same here. So much more organised and calm when he's away.

I agree with the pp about men working to their own schedule.

It's also them just being there I think. Just always around in the shared spaces. Sort of like a shadow. My dh does his fair share too. If he's not there I can just get on with my day. When he's here he hangs about no matter what I'm doing. Even if he is off doing his own thing or taking care of another chore, I still feel that presence and work according to it and accommodating him. He's actually a lovely laid back man but he definitely has a presence. An example of what I'm trying to say: today I was doing a job in the garden. I had been out there a while doing it by myself. I had planned the job and what I needed beforehand and I didn't discuss it with dh as there was no need. Half way through he comes out, asks what I'm doing then proceeds to stand looking at tools in the garage and make suggestions of alternatives for my job. Eventually I stepped back thinking if he did it (seen as he seemed to know better) it would save me time and energy. I stated doing something else. Brilliant two jobs getting done instead of one ! Dh then did 80 percent of job one and decided he would now leave me to finish off as it was my job in the first place. Off he went to do something else. The thing is I now had two jobs to finish and had to finish job one using the bits he had done and not to my plans. It's just not as efficient.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/08/2024 08:48

No mental energy being used on him, no adult to distract you with chit chat

greenmeasuringtape · 18/08/2024 09:07

Singleandproud · 17/08/2024 22:00

I don't really think we are designed to raise our children with the male of the species, I think like many species we are meant to do it alone. Men would have historically been out most the time at war, hunting (although the best hunters were also women) protecting the territory etc. I think evolutionarily we would have gotten on much better as a village of women, children and elders rubbing along together, modern life and cohabiting with 2.4 children having two adults trying to be involved in the domestic environment just doesn't really work.

Admittedly I have never actually cohabited with a partner and have happily raised DD on my own.

Agree with this. It's biology. Can't get a man to do a woman's job. Is too complicated for them. They didn't evolve to think of others or empathise in the same way. Women they other hand can do a large variety of jobs because that's what childcare and managing others involves. Although less good at physically demanding jobs.

Notsuchafattynow · 18/08/2024 10:10

I'm feeling the same, as DH is away for 4 days. It's rare for him to do this, and I'm loving it!

Our DC are much older, and agree I'd not be so delighted if they were little.

Glad you posted OP, as I was starting to imagine what life could be like without him 😂

MrsSlocombesCat · 18/08/2024 12:34

I'm divorced but I have an adult son with autism who I adore. But since he left college after a breakdown he has been on ESA at home. I run a small business and I am his carer. My house has never been so disorganised or untidy. I used to crack on with everything while he was out of the house but now it's really hard to get motivated. He doesn't like the sound of the vacuum cleaner so I am always uncomfortable doing it. If I go to clean the bathroom he needs a wee. If I am washing the kitchen floor he comes down for a drink. Not on purpose but he has no notion of waiting until I am finished. He lives in his own world so he struggles with thinking outside of that.

Vickyspeaking654 · 18/08/2024 14:28

MrsSlocombesCat · 18/08/2024 12:34

I'm divorced but I have an adult son with autism who I adore. But since he left college after a breakdown he has been on ESA at home. I run a small business and I am his carer. My house has never been so disorganised or untidy. I used to crack on with everything while he was out of the house but now it's really hard to get motivated. He doesn't like the sound of the vacuum cleaner so I am always uncomfortable doing it. If I go to clean the bathroom he needs a wee. If I am washing the kitchen floor he comes down for a drink. Not on purpose but he has no notion of waiting until I am finished. He lives in his own world so he struggles with thinking outside of that.

That is incredibly hard MrsSlocombesCat

Toottooot · 18/08/2024 14:42

My husband is away and my hoose is a tip - he’ll come home and whilst he’s back it’s all nice and tidy. He’s tidy I’m as untidy as they come.