Estranged mum died, coming to terms with abuse

[notsurehowtofeel2024]

(Warning: discussion of child abuse)

I posted a few months ago after learning my estranged mum had died. We hadn’t had contact for over 10 years. I also have a brother who I have no contact with and don’t know where dad is. I stillhavent cried about mum, as other posters said I’d already mourned the loss of a mum ages ago.

However, I have noticed that I have been thinking more and more about the abuse I suffered as a child. It’s like keeping no contact helped keep me and my children safe and now that she is dead, my mind is opening a door to loads of memories. It’s been quite rough as it’s quite persistent. I can go about my day but it’s always there in the back of my mind. I did have some counseling about 10 years ago and was diagnosed with PTSD, I don’t know if I’m having an exacerbation now.

My mum was quite verbally abusive. She was an alcoholic and I suspect had untreated mental health needs. She was afraid I think of the judgments of others so always rushed to judge them first. She was constantly on about my body and my appearance, how inadequate and how unattractive I was. As I got older she would also just scream and call me a cunt or smack me.

This was compounded also by the fact that she used my body as a metric for how desirable sexually I would be to men (even when I was a small girl she would make comments, like I didn’t have great legs-men always want long legs) and then my dad was also abusing me sexually. He never raped me but was also an alcoholic, from a very young age (toddler?) he would give me little sips of beer and bring me to bed with him, have me lie down and cuddle me. As I got older he would have me massage him while he wore nothing or just pants, and then when I was a teenager he would feel my legs in the car or come home drunk and try to kiss me. If I tried to resist he would pin me to the wall and scream that he loved me, I needed to love him too because he was my father, and try to grab my breasts.

it was a very traumatic childhood and sometimes I’ve felt embarrassed to tell people about it (my husband knows some of it but not all), both because it was so horrific but also because in a way it feels like other people had so much worse. What I experienced from my father is sexual abuse, right? It is also no wonder that I continue to have body confidence issues today and had a lot of unhealthy eating previously.

What I’ve been thinking about loads lately is what made me finally break contact from my mum. I tried to maintain some relationship with her and helped her with money (I’ve put myself through uni and not wealthy but she was quite poor). However I approached her and told her that dad has been “inappropriate” with me for many years, and she replied “I know but what was I supposed to do about it?” and I was just shocked. I suppose I had hoped that somewhere, somehow she had not known and would have protected me? But she instead admitted the opposite. I have never told anyone this out loud as it just feels like too much but now that she’s gone it’s really at the forefront of my mind. And I have two DCs of my own now, I just cannot imagine not doing everything in my power to protect them if I knew someone was abusing them.

I don’t know exactly why I’m posting, perhaps for a handhold or if anyone else has experienced anything similar. I have friends who describe their upbringing as traumatic but often “just” experienced a nasty divorce of their parents. I don’t mean to say anyone’s suffering is any worse than anyone else’s but it’s hard to find community to heal a bit.

Firstly, it's very brave of you to speak out about your experiences. I was abused physically and emotionally by my mum (and also one count of sexual assault) and it was horrendous. I've been no contact for about 12 years. She's still alive, though. What you experienced is sexual abuse from your father, in addition to the physical and emotional abuse you experienced from your mother. I really hope you get some counselling, OP. Don't try to keep it all bottled up as it won't be any good for you. Getting counselling really helped me - it was so validating. And I'm sure it will bring you some kind of peace too (if even in the slightest) ❤

I think what you are experiencing is complex ptsd. You are grieving, but with the added complexity of having had a traumatic upbringing. Lots going on. I had similar after a long abusive marriage.

Grief is so final, any tiny residual bit of hope you may had had that your mother would do the right thing has gone. And you will grieve this.

You will also grieve the relationship that you didn't have. The lack of a proper, supportive mother.

Also, I found that I only truly let the bad memories out when I was safe. The flashbacks only started when he'd left the house, and I wasn't in fight or flight mode. They were so bad, I'd drop to my knees in the street, and made me throw up.

What helped me:

Trauma counselling

A therapist explaining that every memory that escaped, had to leave my body, so that I could heal. I imagined them as puffs of white smoke that caused pain, but then evaporated

Telling the truth to people. In the end, my counsellor, two close friends, the samaritans and rape crisis. It was only when I faced the worst truth, that I started to recover. I'd been so ashamed for years, but saying it outloud made me realise that there was nothing to ge ashamed of

Randomly, swimming. Cold water on my face. Apparently this is a thing.

I read a workbook about healing from cptsd. I can't remember the name, but it was useful.

I hope this is of some help. Take care.

Oh, and CBT. Life changing for me.

I don’t know if this is along the same lines, but hopefully it helps a little.

My mum is in a home, she had years and years of mental health stuff and eventually ended up with dementia. Her life was basically the old saying ‘when she was good she was really good, when she was bad she was really bad.’

Both my parents would fit the criteria for borderline to mild learning disability. Both had huge problems relating to other adults.

There was a lot of very complex abuse between parents but my sister and I were also abused. Sexually, physically at times and emotionally. A lot happened that never should have - I find if I am reminded my legs go funny and I can tip over into a panic attack.

I’ve spoken in therapy but I’ve never, ever told anyone else outside therapy about the rest of the abuse. I wouldn’t feel able to, I feel ‘dirty’ and embarrassed and so I keep it to myself.

I hear you re traumatic childhood. My trauma was dealing with multiple overdoses and my mum’s trauma. I remember once I was 7 years old and I wanted pretty vests because all my friends wore them, but I was told very graphically that I mustn’t dress like that because ‘you’ll give men the wrong idea, men only want one thing.’

I find it very hard seeing my mum now. She has no idea who I am. I wish I could
make myself go but the mum I loved I feel like I lost my mum a long time ago; it was only after she was taken into care that a lot of my childhood came back and I spent a long time in therapy trying to understand it.

I have some vague contact with my dad, there’s no love there really, sadly. I talk to my sister every day. I love her very much.

Don’t get me wrong I love my mum hugely, when she was good she was amazing and I think she did her absolute best despite being very unwell but at the same time there’s a great deal I question and find very confusing and now realise was wrong.

I think when it comes to grief … no one can tell you what is right. You may find it comes and goes. Sometimes it can come on quite suddenly and it’s like you’ve been winded and other times when you think you should be sad it isn’t there. I find I have a bit of a mixture of grieving for the person my mum was when she was good. I find I grieve oddly for the life I used to have because that was all I knew and maybe it felt safe in a weird way, being so ‘under the thumb’. I find if I think about the fact I’ll never have another conversation with my mum, it’s a horrible thought.

But I also grieve for the much younger me who deserved a childhood that she did not get. That’s a mix of sadness and anger too.

It doesn’t often come out in tears and I think that’s OK. I just end up anxious and panicked. I don’t feel safe crying, if that doesn’t sound silly.

I find as well it’s hard to get empathy and understanding because people look at you and say ‘but you seem alright…!’ (health care professionals). I work in a job where vast majority of my clients have been abused in some form and they’ve all ended up needing highly specialised care - sometimes I recognise myself in their backstories and I can never understand how they’ve ended up using drugs, in prison, on the streets… but I’ve got 2 degrees and a job and a house. I think that’s why I don’t tell anyone in real life because I honestly don’t think they’d believe me.

NAPAC have a lot of helpful info but I also find rape crisis to be hugely supportive, if you’re comfortable phoning someone. They can be busy but you’ll usually get through eventually.

thinking of you x

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful and compassionate replies. Apologies I'm slow in coming back, it's been a busy week.

I did have counselling several years ago, it was quite helpful but unfortunately not possible for me at the mo. I was diagnosed at that time with PTSD (C?) I reckon I'm having a bit of an exacerbation now, just having frequent flashbacks, not sleeping well, feeling a bit brittle generally. I'm very grateful for the support here as it's quite hard to talk about anywhere else (impossible really so far). I've told DH I'm struggling a bit, he's been wonderful, stepping up with the DCs and taking over housework and giving me lie ins, but he doesn't know the details and won't pry bless him. But it is a lot to be carrying in my mind these days, so thank you again to those who replied and offered supportive words and shared experiences.

Just posting again because I haven’t got anyone else to talk to. I found out my mum left half of her estate to me. I can’t believe it. I don’t imagine there’s much but she said everything should be split between my sibling (who, surprise, was also abusive to me and has substance abuse issues) and myself. I am honestly shocked because I thought she would have left me nothing, she hated me and called me horrible names so much and hated so much about me. I was convinced she would have explicitly said I shouldn’t have anything, especially after having no contact with her. I feel almost a bit guilty if not a bit sad for her at least. But then I remember she was an abuser and a facilitator of further abuse. How can a mum do that? Perhaps there is still the small child inside of me who wants a mummy who loves her.

im sorry for posting again here, I’m just alone with my thoughts and can’t sleep.

Here, OP:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5032064-march-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

I am so sorry for what you experienced. It is really harrowing for a child to go through that. I suspect in many instances that type of abuse is passed down generations not that it makes it any better but it helps to understand that it is never about the child, it is always about the perpetrators.

My friend’s estranged Mum passed away recently not even one of my own parents and it really hit home about my own estrangement. I don’t think there is anyway around the issues it is always letting the emotions come and taking really good care of yourself as that happens. I was completely worn out the whole week of my friend’s mums funeral. I had so many weird dreams and flashbacks. It is just difficult. You can never know what will hit but I think the death of a parent must be the absolute worst.

Aw OP I am completely feeling everything you’ve described. I was also estranged from my mum who was an alcoholic and verbally abusive (although I never suffered any sexual abuse and on the rare occasion she was sober she was the nicest person you could ever meet) but when drunk I would be called a slut and a slag and a effing cunt etc at just 7 or 8 years old. I had no contact whatsoever for 18 years and she died a couple of years ago, I’ve never cried or missed her but it’s a little bit of an empty feeling and a feeling of ‘what if’ and wondering what my life would of been like if I had a better mum as I’ve had to fight and work hard for everything I have. I have my own children and they are my entire world, they come before everything and I’m the complete opposite to my mum. I’m sending you lots of strength and hugs and I understand what you’re feeling ❤️‍🩹