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Worried about DS' girlfriend - controlling father

45 replies

Panickin · 16/08/2024 09:19

Im worried about my sons girlfriend (16) Her father is excessively controlling. She is rarely allowed out of the house to see friends and when she is he dictates the terms eg can go to the local park only/must sit in their back garden. My son was out with the family one day and put his arm around her shoulders for a photo for the mum. Dad actually growled at him to stop it. When out with my son he wouldn't allow the pair of them to walk together, he pulled her away and physically held onto her so she had to walk with him. She has spent the summer holidays so far at his beck and call, all day every day, cooking/cleaning/going out with him. She has learnt just to get on with it and do what he says since the moods and anger if he is challenged are too much. However, even complying isn’t good enough. He tells her to cook him a meal, but then half way thro berates her for being busy cooking and accuses her of doing it to avoid going to the gym with him. He is basically emotionally manipulative as well as controlling. She has bouts of panic attacks/vomiting that I am convinced are down to the stress of the suffocating, micro managed nature of her life. He is a very sensitive and easily offended man so if I brought this up with him I fear we would be cut out of her life. What, if anything, can I do to help her?

OP posts:
JabbaTheBeachHut · 16/08/2024 09:27

I'm surprised she's allowed a boyfriend?

Panickin · 16/08/2024 09:31

@JabbaTheBeachHut Me too. Though he is officially just a friend. It's been a low, slow process of me meeting the family etc. Luckily, they like me and my son.

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IsometimeswonderwhoIam · 16/08/2024 09:31

Can you speak to her without him there and ask her what she wants and voice your concerns?

You could contact her school, NSPCC, social services and let them know all this.

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Panickin · 16/08/2024 09:32

@shareyours From my son and from her. When she had a panic/vomiting phase a few months ago she confided in me.

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Panickin · 16/08/2024 09:33

@IsometimeswonderwhoIam Cross posts! yes I think NSPCC may be my next call. But what realistically can they do?

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Panickin · 16/08/2024 09:34

@shareyours Sometimes she is allowed here. However, on the confiding occasion she had spoken to a teacher she trusts and was allowed out of school without her parents knowledge to talk to me, since she was effectively under parental lockdown at the time.

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Spinet · 16/08/2024 09:35

I would not do anything at all except be a safe harbour for her as long as your ds is happy for that to happen. You need to be in DS's corner. There is literally no point whatsoever trying to stand up to this man because the chances are the gf is still emotionally bound up in her family and won't be able to extricate herself until she's older anyway and is likely to side with him if there's an argument. If you did something like have her move in with you that would be complicated when your DS and her split up.

Just be there as a lovely calm non intrusive space when she needs it.

Panickin · 16/08/2024 09:38

@Spinet Yes I think this is probably nail on head. Its hard hearing the stories of how bloody unreasonable he is, but her older siblings are equally enmeshed so will be a long process. We are not sure whether he will allow her to go to university for example.

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Panickin · 16/08/2024 09:38

@shareyours yep

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RedHelenB · 16/08/2024 09:38

This. It wouldn't happen at any school that I've known.

Panickin · 16/08/2024 09:40

Lordy. Like I have so little to do with my life that I'd make it all up.

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shareyours · 16/08/2024 09:40

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JabbaTheBeachHut · 16/08/2024 09:47

Can the school just do that?

Allow a child to nip out of school to see her boyfriend?

Reugny · 16/08/2024 09:54

We are not sure whether he will allow her to go to university for example.

Is there a university in your town or city?

I knew some women who had controlling parents/fathers. They could all go to university as there were (then) three/four universities in the city they could commute to. They didn't have a choice of courses and had to do the course their parents/fathers dictated.

One of them I still occasionally meet up with. She managed to have a boyfriend who gave her courage to change courses to one she liked. Once she did that slowly she got more courage so by the time she was 25 she had a job so could move out and moved to a different city. She ended up with an eating disorder and mental health problems as she was attacked both mentally and physically by her entire family. She married someone completely different a few years after she moved from home and has children with him.

In short just be a safe place for her and expect your son's relationship with her to fizzle out especially as they are only 16.

Panickin · 16/08/2024 09:55

@JabbaTheBeachHut You misunderstand, she came to talk to me, my son was at school. She needed to off load. I don't know what she said to school to be allowed out. But clearly they took her seriously since as I said, it was without her parents knowing, since she was not being allowed out by them at all at that point. I dont know whether school did anything else such as raise a safeguarding concern, I would hope so.

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mm81736 · 16/08/2024 10:01

Either you or she is talking bollocks.No school would do this!

Panickin · 16/08/2024 10:04

@Reugny yes we have a university here. I can very much see it panning out how you describe. I do sometimes wish the relationship would fizzle out because I also worry about my son dating someone so emotionally vulnerable/messed up; at 16 he should be having a laugh not be feeling all this angst about her father being a git/about not being allowed to see her. But Im also fond of her, so would also worry if it fizzled out since we are her support currently.

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Panickin · 16/08/2024 10:05

@mm81736 How I wish I had your self confidence to be so completely sure about something I know nothing about.

Not engaging with the doubters after this last post, it's a waste of my energy.

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wizzywig · 16/08/2024 10:05

Are there cultural differences here?

Panickin · 16/08/2024 10:06

@wizzywig Yes.

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MilkyCappuchino · 16/08/2024 10:09

you have to take this girl out of this abuser. Or someone or she to take herself out

MilkyCappuchino · 16/08/2024 10:14

If this was a wife this man is doing to, all mumsnet would tell her: leave now, take your passports and leave. The girl is 16, she can just take her coat and leave

Panickin · 16/08/2024 10:21

@MilkyCappuchino Yes I agree. But she is scared of him. I think she fears that she would lose her mum and siblings if she stood up to him. She is such a quiet, meek girl, she cant make decisions for herself and defers to everyone...having been brought up to do so. I would offer her a home, but Im a bit wary of her dad myself, and not sure it would be healthy for her to be here with me and my son eg what if they do split up, would I be throwing them even closer together etc etc

Im not sure there is an answer really. But I have appreciated being able to get things off my chest, and its helped that (some of you!) have taken it seriously and agreed that it is a horrible situation for her. He is so charming face to face (arent they always) that sometimes I doubt myself for being worried.

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MilkyCappuchino · 16/08/2024 10:29

Panickin · 16/08/2024 10:21

@MilkyCappuchino Yes I agree. But she is scared of him. I think she fears that she would lose her mum and siblings if she stood up to him. She is such a quiet, meek girl, she cant make decisions for herself and defers to everyone...having been brought up to do so. I would offer her a home, but Im a bit wary of her dad myself, and not sure it would be healthy for her to be here with me and my son eg what if they do split up, would I be throwing them even closer together etc etc

Im not sure there is an answer really. But I have appreciated being able to get things off my chest, and its helped that (some of you!) have taken it seriously and agreed that it is a horrible situation for her. He is so charming face to face (arent they always) that sometimes I doubt myself for being worried.

I know of such horrible men ( fathers ) from my culture. These things are real and can happen in any culture. She will need to escape eventually ...such a young girl, her health is already ruined....

I am going to pray for her.

Panickin · 16/08/2024 10:36

@MilkyCappuchino Thank you x

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