Worried about DS' girlfriend - controlling father

[Panickin]

Im worried about my sons girlfriend (16) Her father is excessively controlling. She is rarely allowed out of the house to see friends and when she is he dictates the terms eg can go to the local park only/must sit in their back garden. My son was out with the family one day and put his arm around her shoulders for a photo for the mum. Dad actually growled at him to stop it. When out with my son he wouldn't allow the pair of them to walk together, he pulled her away and physically held onto her so she had to walk with him. She has spent the summer holidays so far at his beck and call, all day every day, cooking/cleaning/going out with him. She has learnt just to get on with it and do what he says since the moods and anger if he is challenged are too much. However, even complying isn’t good enough. He tells her to cook him a meal, but then half way thro berates her for being busy cooking and accuses her of doing it to avoid going to the gym with him. He is basically emotionally manipulative as well as controlling. She has bouts of panic attacks/vomiting that I am convinced are down to the stress of the suffocating, micro managed nature of her life. He is a very sensitive and easily offended man so if I brought this up with him I fear we would be cut out of her life. What, if anything, can I do to help her?

She's 16! The school can’t keep her there

Also the girl may have lied to the school about what she was leaving for. Or there was a period of no classes.
My god the closed minded troll hunting on here never fails to shock & dismay me

I doubt she told the school what was happening, more likely she faked a note for some appointment or something. I think you should contact the schools safeguarding lead and tell them all of your concerns...although they won't be working at the moment so in the mean time you can get in touch with the nspcc. Emotional abuse and coercive control are all included in the Keeping Children Safe in Education and you have described both of these things. I wonder if school are aware at all.

But surely they'd have to contact the parents to either come and get her, or at least ask their permission to let her leave school?

These things don't change just because a pupil is 16.

Actually, thinking about it now, it's more likely the girl skipped class/bunked off to go and see the OP.

That would make more sense.

In many patriarchal cultures this would be quite normal. From our perspective it's completely alien for the father/husband to be so dominant. From his perspective he's being a good father and protecting his daughter. Maybe have a chat with the school if you haven't already done so. Other than that I'd keep well out of it.

Do not take this over to be your thing, sure be there for her and if she needs to talk listen

But you coming across as controlling and interfering

@Edingril yes its not the dad, its me who is the problem really, well spotted! 😂

Note to self, ignore, ignore, ignore....

@amylou8 yes I assumed school are aware given what she's said to me, but I can't actually be sure, so will definitely be contacting them in September.

I have kept out of it beyond letting her vent to me and writing this post...is that over stepping??

There is a difference in being there for her and listening and taking over because you know best

I'm giving up on this thread since there seem to be a handful of people who take pleasure in being deliberately small minded and it's gone off topic. However, I will check back later because I have a request for @Edingril Please would you explain the following to me - where/what/how exactly I have 'taken over' this situation, and where/what I actually said, actual words used, that show I think that I 'know best'? Back yourself up, keyboard warrior.

The good news is she can escape, she might just have to bide her time a bit. I think give her as much advice or information as you can about education and grants available etc and hopefully she can one day pack her bags and be gone. Poor kid. My parents were very strict too, no way would I be allowed hang around a park for example, but they were kind to me in other ways. I still left as soon as I could though and I never regretted it, although it was hard. Make sure she understands you can't get too involved because of her relationship with DS but be there as an advisor and mentor.

Poor poor girl. He sounds like an abusive knob.
I hope she aces her exams, leaves home, goes no contact and stays with your lovely son.

Honestly I wouldn't bother if I were you. Don't know how someone came to the conclusion that you sound controlling or only focus on the school bit "it's bollocks because no school would allow that" as if they know the exact details of what's gone on. Fucking ridiculous on here sometimes lol

Where's the girl's mother in all of this. What is she like?

I think you have to be very careful as you are her safe space and if her family think you have contacted NSPCC they may stop her seeing your son and you. Realistically if she leaves home where will she live and financially support herself , she doesn’t sound confident enough to cope for herself . Maybe you can give her information on coercive control so that when she’s ready and able to leave with support she is ready .

Please also tell your son to be careful. Dads/ men like this will do what they think necessary to bring the daughter to heel. She is at the age where she is vulnerable to forced marriage.