Frugal to a fault

[SemiScroogeSortOf]

My partner and I both were brought up in large, impoverished families. After we married, we continued to live very frugally. My partner died last winter, and I find myself living alone in a too-large house, with almost a million in the bank.

I still live frugally. I can't seem to spend money on myself, and I've resorted to donating money to worthy causes to try and break the shackles of frugality. I haven't been on vacation since 1996, and I haven't been to a cinema since 2010 (saw the movie UP). I think the last time I ate in a restaurant was... maybe 6 or 7 years ago. Besides, I don't eat much, and restaurant food - in ads - always looks over-cooked, over-sauced, over-everything.

I could go on a world cruise every year, and still not run out of money. (Why don't I ? Most cruises are for couples, and by myself I'd just be bored and lonely.)

How the heck do I free myself from almost 80 years of frugality? Maybe I'm just a miserable old sod.

I'm not sure I can help as I don't have this problem but didn't want you not to get any replies. Is there anything that you do enjoy that you could practise spending money on, e.g. books, theatre, art? Frugal is not a bad thing. I think it can be very environmental. But spending a little to get pleasure is also not bad.

Also, have you any friends or family that you could treat a little? Even just a hot chocolate, bunch of flowers, etc?

It will require a complete change of mindset and that's not easy. You are donating to charities though, so not a Scrooge.

Do you heat your home so you're comfortable or sit in the cold to avoid spending money? Do you buy good quality foods, foods you like rather than making do and some treats for yourself? Do you replace clothes as required to wear them to death? If you're scrimping with any of these I'd start there.

A lot of cruises will have cabins for solo passengers and will sit you with other solo passengers for meals etc. You can choose a cruise suited to your own age too. Look at doing that, if you book it you'll go.

I'll kindly offer my services, I could quiet happily go through thousands a month if you need any help spending it. 😉

You could go on a group holiday like Intrepid or Culture trip, I understand not wanting to go on a cruise solo.

Restaurants have all types of food especially if you're near a big city. Or you could buy really special ingredients in a market like artisan bread, farm-fresh fruit and vegetables, nice cheese, homemade baked goods, etc.

Best though might be some talk therapy to go over all these feelings. I know people with extreme frugal tendencies and it looks very much like OCD in them.

You could be my parents. The difficulty is that they don’t see themselves as people who spend.

What I would like them to use money for is:
well fitting good quality clothes and shoes.
too quality heathcare including physiotherapy; dental, everything available.
Fine food- they don’t eat out, but on the best most nutritious food.
Culture- they are entitled to partake in culture. Why should they not?
Spoiling people they love.

Buy a smaller property in a place you love. You can sell your current property afterwards, so it will be a less stressful move. Maybe a village, so you can build a new chapter through community events (you don’t have to spend much to be happy). Buy somewhere that calls to you.

Spend some money on new clothes for the new chapter. Some pictures for the new place, once you have it. Think about your ideal life and try to move towards it.

Don’t give any money away before you have spent it wisely on yourself. Don’t tell anyone you have money; it will
make you vulnerable to being manipulated.

I can be frugal too, but you deserve some nice things. (A cruise would be my idea of Hell.)

I have a relative who was in a similar position to you; she's finally sold the too-big house and has moved into a small rental cottage in a place where she has better social connections. She is delighted with her new lifestyle and the weight lifted by not having to look after a house anymore. Despite, like you, being quite frugal by nature she is enjoying finding ways to be generous to those around her.

I think it's really hard to break the habit of frugality, and much easier to spend money in company than alone and on oneself. Are there any ways you could meet others and loosen your purse strings in the process? Group holidays? Mentoring/supporting someone younger in your community? Getting involved in a charity or cause where your resources might enable you to help others? Could you look into ethical investing, where your money could help get small businesses and community endeavours off the ground?

If you'd like to travel, but don't want to do so alone, is there anyone you could treat to a holiday? I can think of loads of ways that arrangement could work respectfully and well - there are loads of people who'd love to travel but don't necessarily have the means. Perhaps there's someone in your sphere who'd love that idea?

Thanks for your comments... the problem is, I have more money than I need, don't much want more "things" ... so I'm giving it away. I've doubled the birthday money for the grandchildren.

In response to specific comments, my clothes are ok... I mostly slob about the house and garden in old comfy clothes.. doesn't everyone? When I go out to the library or the shops, as I do most days, I make a point of dressing nicely. It's the only chance I get to "dress up". I bought a cake yesterday... I guess I'm going to eating cake every day for a week.

Buy a house... no, thanks, I'm nearly 80, can't be bothered with all the fuss. I'm actually thinking of moving to a very expensive retirement home. That should soak up the extra money pretty fast!

If you are happy, leave well alone. Are you happy?

Are you warm in winter, dressed appropriately for the weather, eating properly and do you get the right exercise? If you can answer all that with yes, you are fine.

Are you unhappy? With what? How might you change it?

Do you have unfulfilled dreams? Somewhere you read about as a child that always fascinated you? You could go.

You don’t have to spend the money, you know. My DF is much like you. More money than he can go through now and living fairly frugally, once the bills are covered. When I go to see him, he likes to fill my tank with petrol as I leave. But that’s his only extravagance. But he’s hale, hearty and happy and well older than you. So, hey ho.

So, if you're frugal, you've probably tended to forge your own financial road map in life, perhaps somewhat out of step with what everyone else is spending and splurging on - would you say that is the case? Frugality then becomes a habit, and to some extent, a value system. I think this can naturally tend to block out and inure you from wants and desires of a lifestyle that you might otherwise enjoy. You lose touch with your own wishes for fulfilment in these things.

Now would seem to be the time to reawaken this. You need to 'plug back in' as it were.

One strategy for doing this is to start allowing yourself to reignite and notice an emotion you probably haven't experienced for a long time. Envy.

We usually think of envy as a negative emotion. But it doesn't need to be - it can be a very useful indicator and motivator to our inner self of a lifestyle that could bring us enjoyment and make the most of our time.

Start being nosy! ...noticing and researching the lives of people around you - what sort of lifestyle do they live that you might benefit from? This will open a window on what you might find is right for you and bring you contentment.

You have grandchildren - why not help set them up for life - university/ travel / housing costs. In your situation I’d feel the money has come from the both of you living frugally as a couple and want to break the cycle between generations.
Choosing a lovely retirement home when the time is right is a good plan - make things as easy for yourself as you can in the meantime.

Do you have family, why not help them out?

You mention Grandchildren?

Maybe you could spend a little giving them lots of happy memories of you.. Pay for a big family holiday that you would enjoy too.
Or perhaps take your children on a cruise with you.
Book a nice room and have a big family party or go for a few lovely meals out with the whole family. Go for a few days out. Life is for living :)
Why not enjoy a bit of your money with them before you leave it to them in wills etc. Experience a bit of life because you can't take your money with you but your memories will be with you (and them) forever.

How about a little dog or cat or any small pet? They need some amount of money spent on them x

Forget about the money. You are seeing as a burden or a chore. It’s just money. It doesn’t have to be spent.

Think about what you want your life to be like, and if money will help that to come about then great. But otherwise don’t worry about it.

There are lots of charities dedicated to making the world better, helping animals, saving the environment. Do any of those things appeal? You could volunteer and if you think the charity is worthwhile you can donate to them. I personally wouldn't leave it all to grandkids, you will just set them up to be useless, lazy and entitled. Give them a small amount but use the rest to treat yourself and make sure you are comfortable and donate to the causes that are important to you (which it already looks like you do).

We will have a substantial amount of money when we are your age as well and what I said above is exactly what we plan to do, none of it will be going to family as in laws are all older than us and we are not responsible for taking care of their children, we would rather give the money to a cause that will have some impact on the world.

Tbh, given your assets take you into the bracket where your estate will have to pay a pretty sum, I’d speak to a reputable solicitor and think about how you might efficiently parcel some of that money into trusts fund for each of your grandchildren so the have a lump sum at 18 or 21 for uni or to place as a deposit on a house. A good financial advisor can advise you on the best way to gift and spend in your lifetime.

And I’d think about what gives you pleasure? Doesn’t sound as though a cruise is for you, but would you like to go to London and see a west end show or play once a month, hire a car to take you there and back? Perhaps take turns inviting a different family member? Or perhaps you could rent a large villa for a week and have your family/grandkids join you for a holiday so that you are having quality time together?

As we get older material stuff is less important, but quality family time is golden.

Send the grandkids on an amazing holiday, stick some money into a trust to pay for house deposits for them or university or similar. Nice days out with the family. The best gift my grandparents gave me are the wonderful memories of time with them!

I'm so sorry you lost your husband.
I'd certainly look at changing where I was living if I was 80 and living in a house that was too big. It's far better to move now while you're fit and able. If you would like to live in an expensive retirement complex, then do so, but bear in mind some of them can be very difficult to sell on.

In your position I'd take a lot of pleasure in treating my children. If they have mortgages, I'd pay them off. If they need a new car, I'd treat them to one. If they don't need any of those things, maybe a holiday. I'd rather do this now than leave them the money in the future.

Someone is going to spend that money and get pleasure from it, so it may as well be you, OP. I'd start with planning a cruise. There are forums for cruising (make sure you get the shipping variety!) where you could ask advice about solo travelling. Why not have a once-in-a-lifetime cruise? You'd have a fantastic time.

Yes, yes to the expensive retirement home!

But it doesn't sound like a blow out on things would make you happy. If you are happy as you are, then why change it. But I am also pretty sure you can get solo travelling holidays through SAGA. My MIL went on one recently and enjoyed it.

I also suggest giving it to grandkids in a trust for now (this makes economic sense regardless, so you avoid inheritance tax).

Could you choose one thing that is a bit special but not really that extravagant? A different bunch of flowers delivered every week or a weekly appointment at the hairdressers etc.

Have you considered taking up drugs, drink and toy boys? I'm in exactly the same position and know several other women who now have the money to do whatever they want but have reached a stage in life where material things don't hold much importance. Also, the mind is willing, but the body weak. I have been researching all inclusive rental flats for the elderly and retirement villages. Do let us know if you find a great home. Would like you to try it out first. I don't think I could stand the restrictions of a home but a super luxurious one might be different.

Identify the things that are worth spending extra on - lovely bedsheets, fabrics that feel great against your skin, organic food (for the health benefits), a trip to somewhere beautiful, a lovely bunch of flowers. You don't need to go mad. Things that will last or you will enjoy or will really improve your quality of life but be worth the money you spend. Start small and go from there. You deserve a treat here and there!

Also, I'm broke, can I have some

Definitely distribute it it to your grandchildren…it will give you a huge amount of pleasure to see the difference you can make to them…my dad bought all the grandchildren cars in the last years of his life and you’d have thought he’d win the lottery with how that made him feel.

and buy yourself some lovely “house” clothes…because you’re in the house doesn’t mean you can’t wear lovely comfy clothes

How many grandchildren do you have? You could buy them a starter home each maybe, it's so hard to afford property now, it would be an amazing gift and better then blowing it on unnecessaries.