Wondering how other mums, full time in the office do it?

[stressedagainn]

Just that really, I'm feeling a bit low.

I moved to a new job 6 months ago - within the private sector, professional services (I think relevant). Went from 4 days to 5 having returned to work on 4 days since mat leave.

I have always been in the office, WFH never an option which I'm fine with, but I'm struggling in this new role being 5 days, 9-5:30 not a minute earlier in the office .

My last workplace was a large corp, quite understanding of school pick ups/ drop offs, all mothers with primary age children worked 3 / 4 days or 5 with reduced hours. I had the luxury of being able to say "I've got to pick up tonight" and left a bit early, say 4:45, it was fine, and they knew I was still around taking calls hopping on a teams whenever needed after this time. The work got done.

This new job this isn't really an option, I am also the only woman with small children, and I feel trapped. I'm struggling with being the last to pick up, the rush getting through the door at 6 doing teatime bath time bedtime in a rush.

How do others do it? I just feel it's not fair.

For what it's worth I am lucky that I have a cleaner and gardener and the ironing is outsourced but I'm feeling a bit thinly stretched.

You seem to have taken a job with a dinosaur organisation. Perhaps this is the reason you are the only mum working there. I'd rethink that. There are plenty of jobs around with a more supportive approach for parents.

Why is it not fair? Hours are hours, some places are not flexible. How would you like it if you turned up to shop 15 minutes before they closed to find the doors bolted? It's showing a lot of privilege to assume it's ok to twist your hours frankly. Set hours are the norm in many industries

Lots of parents work jobs with set hours - it's very normal for millions of people.

You just have to plan your childcare and commitments around those hours - there's no big secret unfortunately!

My parents worked long hours and never finished before 5pm - so the reality was I had to be in paid childcare until 6pm as there was no other way of doing it.

It's the same industry, same work, but my last company and a lot of others I have friends at had gone to a lot of effort to be accommodating of parents with young kids. This new place isn't like that and I'm just admitting I'm struggling,

I guess you don't know the environment of places until you're through the door.

Look for another job with flexibility and reduced hours. It's not worth martyring yourself.

I'd ask about flexibility, then look for another job. And when you leave, explicitly state that lack of flexibility was a factor.

For people saying plenty of workplaces are inflexible, it's true but stupid for both them and workers. From a business point of view, you exclude a load of potential employees with children, other caring responsibilities, health conditions, older people people who want a life.

Many sectors have a skills shortage and it's been shown that a diverse workforce is an asset, not a liability.

Would I be right to guess that you changed jobs because this was a better career opportunity and paid more?

9am to 5.30 dot is not a major commitment in a professional role. Those are the contractual hours and it is a simple fact that the Contract of employment is a given whether you have children or not. You could negotiate to work 8.30am until 5 under a flexible working arrangement or 9 to 4.45 and take a corresponding cut in pay.

Being a parent and fulfilling your contractual obligations are two separate issues.

Why do you have to rush I to the bedtime/bathrobe routine at 6pm? Couldn't you read/play with your baby for 45 minutes or an hour and get into the bedtime routine after that.

Having a baby and a full-time job is tough. It will pass and then you will have another one. Neither are mutually exclusive but both come with responsibilities; nowadays employment comes with many rights but that doesn't alter the fact that youbare obliged to comply with the contract of employment to remain eligible to collect the money every month.

Are you a single parent? If not can your husband/ partner work flexibly?

Are there any dads to young children in the team as you only mention mums.

We have to move on from the idea that it is only the mum who is responsible for the children (unless there is only a mum).

Rightly or wrongly this is why I am v nervous about jumping ship as a working mum with young children. Flexibility is worth everything to me.

Not that it’s helpful now but when I made my last move there was a very attractive role on the table and I asked if it could be done as a 0.8fte, they said no. A few weeks later they came back and said actually it could. Too late for me then - they’d shown their colours in terms of their attitude and I had a strong suspicion they’d be trying to get me to do 5 days work in 4.

With my current role, I stated from the get go that I was only moving if it was 0.8, they were very relaxed about that which gave me confidence that they were a family friendly employer. They are.

I think you need to look for a new organisation OP.

Do you have a partner? When we were at that stage we split the drop off/ pick ups. I requested an earlier start so could finish earlier and do school pick up. He did the school drop off and worked later.

I think the key question is what are other alternatives in your industry. If most other companies are similar / you need to do it to progress, you might have to just run with it. However if lots of other companies have flexibility (and it sounds like your previous job did), then I wouldn’t hesitate to either try to negotiate something or move on.

From a business point of view, you exclude a load of potential employees with children, other caring responsibilities, health conditions, older people people who want a life.
Maybe that's what dome buisness want to do.
I'm not saying it's right or wrong but it may work for them.

I think you would be entitled to put in a. Flex working request. But they don’t have to say yes unfortunately.

Pre covid I was in the office 8-6, five days a week. The only option was paying for full days at nursery 7.30 - 6pm. DP did all the drop offs and pick ups, as his office was closer than mine and he had some flexibility so could often pick up just after 5.
We had to be mega organised and outsourced a lot of domestic stuff but it worked.
The biggest issue I faced was the judgement from others about going back to work and the amount of time DC was in childcare. Of course DP faced no such judgement. There were no other parents around us doing similar, all meet ups/groups etc were arranged on weekdays so it was a very lonely parenting experience and I have no ‘mum friends’ to speak of.

OP what it comes down to is that this company probably isn't for you.

Yes of course the company has the right to insist on fixed, on-site working hours. But equally you can decide whether that works for you and if they don't agree to let you WFH some days or work flexible hours to accommodate your parenting obligations then just find a new job. Do you really want to be stressing and rushing every single day?

I don't know what your role is, but in general professional services firms tend to offer flexibility and also want to attract women.

But if you do decide to look for a new job make sure you raise the subject of flexibility before accepting.

I think as you’re a single parent it would be better to look something more flexible. I’m fortunate that although we both work 50hr weeks, one can pick up and one can drop off meaning it’s not so hectic. Also one of us can do bedtime and the other cooks. I don’t find it stressful, but I have another person to share the load with.

As you’re doing it by yourself, I can imagine how draining it is, I think you need to look for something more flexible.

Thank you to everyone who has taken time to respond.

Deep down I know I'm being unreasonable I know it's not a god given right to flexible working, I'm just finding the thin pull every way a bit tricky right now.

Yes I have a partner but he works long hours and away a lot . Sorry not a single parent but sometimes feels it

Hindsight is a lovely thing and I guess I'm a bit annoyed I took the previous flexibility so for granted.

For career reasons I can't move so early, it would just look bad, I will probably have to stick it out another 18 / 24 months.

Thanks all for listening/ setting me straight

A decent workplace would accomodate to make it work nowdays.
Is returning to the last employer a option at some stage?
Working in a modern considerate workplace is a weight off that is for sure.

I work in professional services ( law) and my firm are very supportive of families and working parents. We have hybrid working arrangements as standard and a flexible hours policy. 75% of our employees are female. We are also extremely profitable so the business does not appear to be adversely impacted by these policies. I think you need to look for another job OP.

i never had flexibility - i had to temp/work part time.
who does school pick up?
there was never any chance of leaving early otherwise.

can you put in a flexible working request?

I work full time but my company are flexible with start and finish times. It’s a shame
your new company aren’t and I’d start making a plan to leave.
flexibility is a benefit worth its weight in gold when you have a young family. Some employers have realised that and that it generates loyalty. Your current one clearly hasn’t.

We had a nanny when DC were under 5, it worked better for us as then both DH and I could be out the door before 8am and didn't need to get the DC ready, although one of us usually got them dressed and breakfast was underway by the time the nanny arrived. Its an expensive option but does give you a lot more flexibility and was the only way we could manage 2 full-time professional roles with very young children.

I can relate to a certain extent, OP - really the two options are (1) changing jobs to something with more flexibility (which sounds like it's not on the cards in the short term at least) or (2) attempting to shift your mindset and unburden some of the guilt and stress associated with how you're currently feeling.

I work a pretty full-on job and often feel like others are judging me for not being a good enough mum when I'm last to pick up, missing bedtimes because of work commitments or working full time when everyone else does three days a week. Maybe they are, or maybe it's all in my head, who knows - but I do know that it isn't possible for me to make dramatic changes in my work life without having corresponding dramatic changes in my financial circumstances, so I've accepted that I will just have to learn to cope with the guilt. If you can't change the system you work in, then you need to make peace with it.

Can't you go for another job and even if you take a pay cut just drop the cleaner and Gardener etc?? This is the reality of working and parenting, there are more flexible jobs out there but you've chosen a full time office role so you can't really moan that it's not fair when you have a choice to stay or find something more flexible.