What happened? Why am I so unhappy in life?

[Doowop1919]

Hi everyone,
Sorry if this is the wrong place, I don't know where else to put it.

Can anyone else relate to these feelings I'm having?

I think back to 2016, finishing my master, just married, back from our honeymoon and just SO excited about everything that lay ahead. About life. I've always enjoyed life despite not ideal upbringing (immature mother, absent father, mainly raised by other family members). But I've always had friends, had things to look forward to, first to get into uni in my family etc. I've always just been happy with simple things to look forward to.

2016 was probably the last year I was truly happy. And it kills me to think I've let 8 years go by ... Where did they go? I had happiness in these years of course and I've enjoyed chunks of it but lots of things that happened seem to have killed a lot of my previous optimism and enjoyment of life.

End of 2016, my gran died. Then we had a missed miscarriage soon after. Then we went through 3 years of infertility. Went through ICSI. This was mentally just awful. Finally had our baby... At the start of COVID. No family around, isolated. Colicky baby. Awful start to being parents. I was so focused on getting pregnant, my master went on the back burner and I took a very long break, finished when ds1 was 2 and I was pregnant with DS2, got a bad grade but i passed. But it messed up my career plans (PhD and lecturer).

Now I have my two DC who I love to bits and am so grateful for. DH is my best friend and a great dad, and yet I feel a bit lost with life, like there's nothing to look forward to anymore. I don't know if I'm just drained and exhausted or if it's depression or if I just need to woman up and get on with it. In harder times, I've always managed to pull myself back but this time just feels different.

Can anyone relate? I'm mid 30s if it makes a difference.

You have had a really hard time in those past years op, and sometimes that can put a downer on things. Your steps to motherhood were challenging and then your career path has been changed due to the outcome of your masters.

It sounds like you are happy with your family life - have you spoken to your partner about this? Maybe a chat about how the career will go, what options you have?

Another route could be counselling - some sessions to talk over all the the things that have happened over the last number of years. It can be very refreshing to talk to someone who isn't personally invested in your situation.

I had a difficult patch a few years ago and it took stepping back and really looking at what happened and what I could do next to really put it all into perspective.

Sorry I pressed send before I finished. I don't really know why I'm writing all this down but just getting it out has already made me feel better. I know something is not right so I need to take charge, find out what and get to putting it right.

I just want to be happy, laugh and enjoy life again.

Thank you so much for your reply. I think counselling might be a good idea to work through it all.
My husband knows some of it, I haven't told him everything but I probably should, and we're debating moving back to the UK (we're in his country, EU) but I'm not sure yet if that'll "fix" my feelings.

Sorry to hear you had a difficult time too. Stepping out if it does sound like something I need to try do as it feels like my head is constantly muddled.

Counselling sounds good and working out where you go work wise - are there alternative paths you can take, or ways to still use your Masters etc.

I got ill in 2016 and got over that then we had the pandemic. It's been a blur and I'm just coming out the end of it and looking to the future- it's good to look forward not back for too long! Good luck OP.

Yes, this was going to be my question. You had a career path in mind and haven’t followed it (and I think that was a good move — I’m an academic and there are no jobs for our doctoral students), but you’re clearly ambitious. You need a career path.

Could I recommend a book? How to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. I read it ooh 11 years ago and reread it every couple of years. It really helps you figure out what you want from life, and how you can get it.

@chillichick81 @FlyingButtresses
No, I don't. That's probably part of it too. I found a job I loved in 2018, I could've pictured myself doing it forever. Pandemic hit and I was signed off and then just let go. It was because I was pregnant and had a temporary contract. The whole place were brilliant, it was just the one woman in HR and she screwed me over. I had colleagues try to fight it for me but I had no written proof that she said she'd offer me the permanent contract after the year (mistake I'll never make ever again). Ironically, and I still can't believe the audacity of it all, she asked me to come back a year later to cover the maternity leave of the woman she gave my promised contract to. I said yes if you give me a permanent position, she said no and that was that.

I've discussed with DH what to do. Looked into teaching and doing a PhD anyway but I don't have the right qualifications here for the teaching and it's ridiculously hard to get into anything other than what you're trained for (Germany doesn't do transferable skills...just "well do you have a qualification in being a receptionist?"
PhD will be ridiculously difficult too with no one to give me references and my rubbish master dissertation grade.
So yes, I do believe the job thing will have an impact. We have no family nearby and schools get out at 130 here so we have no idea how to manage it (another reason we're thinking of moving back).

@Deadliftsandplanks thank you for sharing. Sorry you had a hard time too. I know exactly what you mean by coming out the other side now. I'm starting to feel like it's all hitting me and the last 8 years have been going through the motions.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale thank you for the book recommendation. I love reading and will look this up

@chillichick81 no money worries for now. Kids are 4 and 18 months.
There was a position open and I was told two years temporary then permanent. I was signed off due to COVID and they gave my promised permanent contract to my cover. I know it was my stupid fault for believing hr with only a verbal conversation but it was very clear I would be staying on. To the extent my colleagues were surprised and angry about it all too.

You can feel happy again of course, but in a contended happy way as opposed to a carefree happy way. You have difficult life experiences behind you now and that changes a person. I'm not at all surprised you feel as you do, the effect of infertility and treatment can be very deep, I've been there too. If you are lucky enough to be successful you expect the trauma of it to leave too but it does not. I also had a very difficult first baby, a teen now and even after all these years i feel a stab of jealousy towards new Mums with easy babies. The effect these things have on your relationship is going to be profound and I'm guessing you've been too busy to dwell on it until now. I also think there is an element of guilt and self criticism after IVF, like you are not allowed complain because this is what you longed for. I also had a horrible sense of not being good enough, like I snuck in the back door and meddled with fate, maybe the reason this is hard is because I'm bad at it, maybe I'm bad at it cos I was never meant to be a Mum etc. Those irrational feelings completely passed now. I also gave up on my career and found that really hard to justify.

I think counselling is a good idea to help you process all this. You'll be OK OP, give it time.

I'm just wondering as you had ICSI, if this is by any chance hormonal.

I feel the same. When you're in your 20s you have ambition and hope. One day you wake up and realise the best times are gone.

Sorry 😔

I absolutely love this book too and recommend it to so many people!

@WhatThenEh
Thank you for your reply. So I have years (3) of experience working at private schools here in Germany but the Bundesland where I'm living is very strict. My bachelor is from the UK (joint honours), I have a master in one subject which I studied in Germany and even then, they are saying I don't have the correct modules to do the Quereinstieg as at my uni in the UK, we didn't cover certain things that are part of the bachelor here. My DH (German) was very angry about it all and how they're desperate for teachers but won't let me train. The temporary job was funnily enough at a private gymnasium. I'd go back in a heartbeat despite the HR woman as I just loved it so much.
We would definitely use a Hort if I managed to
get a full time good job (I only worry we wouldn't get a space..I have a friend who had to give up her job as her boy didn't get a place 🙈)
I'm not in Berlin but another part of Germany with a LOT of English native speakers.

@Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong thank you so much...you've hit the nail on the head with your entire post. I do feel a bit overwhelmed and feel like I can't complain because for years, I wanted this, and couldn't have it and was scared I'd never have it. Maybe working out all that trauma from the infertility and ICSI and everything else is something I need to work on. It probably is just the case that now it's all sinking in and I need to mentally work through it all... That's very helpful thank you.

@Apileofballyhoo while I don't think it has to do with ICSI, It could very well also be partly hormonal as I'm still breastfeeding and toddler isn't sleeping through the night. So it's likely that's contributing to it.

@SeriouslyWorriedEars I'm sorry you're feeling low about it all too😞

Well this is depressing.

OP, could this just be a phase while your children are very young. I do think you need to build a career unless you think you can be satisfied as a SAHM with older children? In which case, it’s a matter of just riding out the difficult years.

@Doowop1919 I didn't mean that your treatment caused it, more could it be early perimenopause.

I was wondering if alternatively you have accomplished many of your life goals and now feel a sense of anti climax regarding your life

I felt similar at around 26yrs after getting my degree, first qualified jobs and having kids. No longer having much to 'strive for', coupled with life with little ones just feeling relentless and like you are taking a back seat to your own life with nothing much to look forward to and years of child rearing to look forward to

I felt bad also as I had struggled to have children initially with it taking 3yrs to conceive then having 2 under 2 yrs!

I found accepting the situation for what it was useful, reminding myself that when raising kids the days are long but the years short and then booking small things to look forward to eg a 2 day city trip, online course, learning to cook different meals etc

So small things to aspire to that were realistic around my home responsibilities as a parent etc for now. Also having a proposed date that you would return to your studies for example eg 2028 when both kids are in school for example

@WhatThenEh thank you for the advice. I'll look into the Vertretungslehrer option. That would be a great way to get a foot in the door. I will also try to look into private schools again.
My subjects are history and German (though I'm not sure how I feel about teaching German when I'm not a native...I do speak fluently and completed a master in German. I can teach literature but at the end of the day, I'm not a native German). They won't let me teach English as I have no degree in English. I'd also be open to teaching Realschule.

@Crushed23 it could be. I do like staying home with the kids whilst they're young and I'm grateful to be able to do it but after 4 years and an absolute lack of friends here, I do want to get back working (or studying) for myself, my mental health and just to be around other adults who are not my husband (as much as I love him😂)

@unmp I did wonder this too. Married, two kids (we're finished having kids), my career goal not really feasible anymore and no other in sight right now... It's like all the big stuff is suddenly done and I think coupled with the fact it all happened very differently from what I expected with family death, infertility then COVID, and my PhD gone, I think it's all needing processed somehow. I used to love looking forward to little things, as you have said. I just want that to come back really. I'd love to just he happy with where I am (and sometimes I am and I learn to pause and be grateful and just take in the moment) but I'll also have moments where I'm just unhappy and it comes from really deep inside. I love writing so I try to work on my two books but it's never enough. Maybe twice a month for a few hours? Maybe I need to do that more.

This is so sad! I don’t feel like that - my 20s were fun but stressful too. Things are settled and fulfilling and calm now.

I think people feel more pressure in their 30s to have things “sorted” though and can feel a failure if they don’t. And life does slow down a bit.

Hobbies and interests that lead to achievements, or setting work/fitness goals and achieving them can really help! I think when we’re tired or what have you we forget that we’re the only ones that can fill our own lives with fun and enjoyment or purpose and meaning.

Sorry, unpopular view incoming - but I think that you need to come back to the UK as soon as possible!

As soon as you are in the UK you will be snapped up to do a PGCE and teach. These days you can even train within a school of your choice, via a school-based programme. Your masters grade will be immaterial.

If you want to do a PhD then you can do one a bit later part-time? I know that is possible because I am doing it. 🙂

You are still very young and this is just a blip, as long as you don’t have to spend your time struggling against peculiar qualification requirements in a different country - where the qualifications and education system are fundamentally different.

Oh and that is almost the most depressing post that I have ever read on MN - please don’t bring others down with you!

Good luck OP! I have so much that I love in my life but in my now late 30s often get regretful about different paths I might have gone down with work or other things.
It sounds like moving back to the UK could give you a lot more options… I’m a basically happy teacher, and I know a lot of teachers have a much tougher time but if it was something you wanted there’s certainly a need for good teachers. You haven’t actually wasted any of those years from the sound of it! But perhaps it’s time to think about your career again. Being a few years older I think you’re young. And I always remind myself of a wise older friend’s comments when my husband turned 40- ‘Oh I loved being 40. I knew who I was at 40. And I knew some things I wanted to change too, and I did.’

@EveningSpread thanks for your reply. I do think being tired is contributing to it all. I've not had much sleep in 4 years 😂and I've been fortunate to never have sleep problems before. 18 month old is nearly there but not quite yet sleeping through the night regularly. I'm going to see about starting up my hobbies again, finding more time to write and maybe continue language learning which I love.

@chillichick81 if you were reading my posts properly, you'd see I never intended initially to become a teacher. I was going down the path of PhD and lecturer. The fast track to teaching is also a very recent thing here in Germany so to answer your question, no, it's not something I knew before as I a) never intended to teach and b) lived here before the fast track was introduced.

@MaybeDoctor thank you for this! It's quite an exciting prospect to think my PhD might not be off the table... That's great you're able to do it part time! We are attempting to come back to the UK. Brexit is making it quite difficult as DH has a good job and is a skilled worker but quite a lot of companies aren't sponsoring the visas right now. We're going to try our best though and hopefully aim to come back in the next 2 years. We're also resigned to making the best life we can if we stay though. Germany is great in so many ways too. If we did come back, I would definitely do the teacher training. I have loved the years here working in schools.

@Isitreallythough thank you. I feel similar in the sense there is lots to love about my life but I think the regret is consuming me a bit which I need to somehow shake off or it's going to tarnish the time I have now. It's so nice to hear from a happy teacher! I loved working in the schools here and would be really happy to go back to it.