What happened? Why am I so unhappy in life?

[Doowop1919]

Hi everyone,
Sorry if this is the wrong place, I don't know where else to put it.

Can anyone else relate to these feelings I'm having?

I think back to 2016, finishing my master, just married, back from our honeymoon and just SO excited about everything that lay ahead. About life. I've always enjoyed life despite not ideal upbringing (immature mother, absent father, mainly raised by other family members). But I've always had friends, had things to look forward to, first to get into uni in my family etc. I've always just been happy with simple things to look forward to.

2016 was probably the last year I was truly happy. And it kills me to think I've let 8 years go by ... Where did they go? I had happiness in these years of course and I've enjoyed chunks of it but lots of things that happened seem to have killed a lot of my previous optimism and enjoyment of life.

End of 2016, my gran died. Then we had a missed miscarriage soon after. Then we went through 3 years of infertility. Went through ICSI. This was mentally just awful. Finally had our baby... At the start of COVID. No family around, isolated. Colicky baby. Awful start to being parents. I was so focused on getting pregnant, my master went on the back burner and I took a very long break, finished when ds1 was 2 and I was pregnant with DS2, got a bad grade but i passed. But it messed up my career plans (PhD and lecturer).

Now I have my two DC who I love to bits and am so grateful for. DH is my best friend and a great dad, and yet I feel a bit lost with life, like there's nothing to look forward to anymore. I don't know if I'm just drained and exhausted or if it's depression or if I just need to woman up and get on with it. In harder times, I've always managed to pull myself back but this time just feels different.

Can anyone relate? I'm mid 30s if it makes a difference.

Just wanted to say a general thank you to all those who were helpful and kind in their responses. They've been a huge help and comfort during a low moment and have actually given me a bit of a boost and the motivation to do my best to shake this off and focus on how to get out of this rut.

Can you consider doing a PhD in the UK but remotely? I live about an hour from my university campus but only go there every few months. I could be in a different country and no one would really notice!

I think it will help if you can let go of 'Why can't I go back to feeling like I did 8 years ago?'

These sorts of feelings can really trap you and of course it's not possible to feel that way again because circumstances have changed, and that's ok, that's life. Getting help to look forwards again is perhaps the thing to focus on.

The pathway to fulfilment is fraught with difficulties. I wonder it, after everything you've dealt with and all of the effort you've made to overcome the trickier parts of life, you've come out the other side, into the valley of peace and joy... and your mind is just like, "Fuck. That was a lot."

I think you're exhaling, not stalling.

I'm wondering if the climb to get to where you are now hasn't depleted a little part of you... the pressure is easing (especially after infertility, then pregnancy, then having the baby, raising the child... motherhood at its smoothest knocks our socks off!) and you're now just quietly sitting with it. Maybe this quiet time is less about 'what next?' and more 'what was all that. And who am I now?'

Sometimes we have enough to get us through to the other side and then you get to the other side and experience the let down. Let it happen. I think you're actually in a quiet period of reflection.

How's everything with your DH? I picked up on the comment about how angry he was that your qualifications weren't quite recognised, despite the desperation for teachers in your region. He was obviously disappointed for you. Did it feel like he was disappointed in you? Even if he absolutely was not, do you think you carried (maybe still carry) unnecessary guilt that you didn't slide right into Life In Germany? I am wondering if you felt a lot of pressure, not only to meet Germany's qualifications, but to earn your husband's respect (even if it's something he didn't ask of you)? It's like you've had to fight for everything you have become: mother, teacher in a country that is not your own... you've fought to be what you are now. You have all of my respect and admiration and then some. But I wonder if there are 'things' you need to resolve around your identity. You've taken a bit of a beating to achieve your goals.

Sorry. I'm half German. My father came from the East. I inherited his directness! So I hope I don't come across as harsh or brittle. You have accomplished an incredible amount. I think the fight to get there is affecting you now.

@MaybeDoctor I did think of doing this. Even here in Germany as it's possible to do it remotely too. The issue I will have is references unfortunately. I studied my masters at a good university in the south of Germany in a small town where the professors all knew the students as many students were local and did their bachelor there, then master then PhD. Professors already had their favourites and it was very difficult to get noticed... Despite getting good grades in the beginning. So I don't have references really and not sure who I would even ask.

@WhatThenEh I really appreciate the time you've taken to give me advice. Yes, I'm in Bayern. My German is c2 as well, I studied my master completely in German and so I could teach it. I'd just feel more comfortable with English. I've had a look in the meantime about the Vertretung Option and it's definitely something I will try. Even to get my foot in the door then see what happens.
Thanks for the tip about academia. I feel like although I enjoyed my master here in Germany, it wasn't the right decision (maybe another regret of mine...I got into St Andrews, Durham, Essex and Warwick to do my master and part of me wishes I'd gone down that route instead but I suppose that's another thing i need to put to bed and move on from.

@Echobelly I've been reflecting on this a lot the last few days and I know I need to do it. Reframe it all, say goodbye to what I thought would happen and make new goals. I feel so much more positive having started this thread.

@SerenityNowInsanityLater this was a very insightful post, thank you. I do very much feel depleted, run down, a bit confused as how I got here. Sitting with it is good advice and what I'm currently trying to do. It's difficult to find that space with two little ones but I spoke to DH about it all today and said how I'm feeling. It was nice to get it out properly in person to him as well (after this thread has helped me clarify my own feelings). What you're saying about my identity resonates...I feel like I've lost a bit of myself and what i thought my life would look like. And that needs recovered. I don't feel guilt that I didn't slide in, but I definitely feel sadness. As I really thought I'd be happy here forever and find a life. So yes, it feels like that hasn't really happened. DH genuinely feels angry about the system though. He is a great support, and if anything I think he can sometimes feel ashamed that his country can make things difficult for me (like wanting to become a teacher).
On the contrary, I love German directness😅 one of the things I adore...you know exactly where you stand! Thanks again for your reply. It's given me more to think about

Hi, yes the job in the school, the one I loved. I did that 2 years. 1 year in a different school. Other working experience... Retail when I was younger, reception in a language school, private English tuition, and a volunteer year abroad in a nursery. I didn't work when studying the last years of my degree and during my masters. And the last few years I've been a sahm, choosing to be at home until youngest is at least 2.5 (he's 18 months now).

Mid 30s

I feel the same way, I think the monotony of parenting brings me down, every day is the same and time goes so quickly.
Do you have any hobbies you like or something you can plan for or work towards to look forward to?

I swear by my Buddhist practice. Read Buddha in Your Mirror book 13 years ago, never looked back. There are Buddhists practicing the Japanese branch of Buddhism described in the book in every country on Earth now, including Europe

I feel very similar. Having young kids seems to be th culprit (and one of mine is autistic). A lot of things have changed. Don’t minimise the impact covid had and your losses. It’s often a time that we rethink our priorities, what we want from life and what makes us happy.

@AgathaSultana I've had a long conversation with DH and have planned some things out this year (I always see September as a "new start" for me, not sure why. I love autumn, I loved when school / uni started again so I guess I have good associations with September). I'm going to do a language class one weekday evening, start up Zumba again twice a week, and every sat morning I write my book.
We've planned a holiday next year and a big holiday in 2 years for a big wedding anniversary. Hoping this'll all help.

@Newsenmum yes I think this is it too. The rethinking this week and acceptance of where I'm at has been such a huge help and I feel much better already. Work in progress but good first steps :)