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Would this change how you feel about someone?

32 replies

Eyeletwoes · 14/08/2024 07:36

A male friend, who I once had a thing for, which fizzled out very quickly. We're not now especially close, but see each other fairly regularly in a group and he's one of those friends I could call in an emergency and know he'd do what he can to help, without hesitation. He's considered a bit of a ladies man, but I've long suspected he might be gay and the women are all a cover. There are a lot of women in his life, but none of them go anywhere. I wouldn't say he treats them badly, most remain friends (like me), but he takes relationships so far, then backs off rapidly as soon as the women are starting to believe.

Anyway a while ago he confided in me that he'd slept with his best friend's wife, before they were married and while they'd split after a row - a short lived split as it turned out. Not a great situation, but they were both single at the time, life's not black and white etc.

Now, he's told me he's also slept with the husband (while they were together). He hasn't said he's gay or bi, but that it was a drunken "experiment".

I'm quite good friends with the wife.

So I have two issues. If he is using all these women, I don't like that, and I have a friend who's husband has cheated in a devastating way.

But it's none of my business....?

OP posts:
FlyingButtresses · 14/08/2024 07:45

While who was together? While the couple were married/in a relationship?

Eyeletwoes · 14/08/2024 07:52

FlyingButtresses · 14/08/2024 07:45

While who was together? While the couple were married/in a relationship?

Yes, the men slept together just before the wedding, while the now married couple were together.

OP posts:
TomeTome · 14/08/2024 07:56

Why do you give this headspace?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Sethera · 14/08/2024 08:15

This guy sounds like bad news, I would avoid any deep involvement with him.

As for the couple where both have slept with him at different times, I would steer clear of getting involved in any way with that toxic situation.

Keep them on the periphery of your friendship circle.

PaulaTrilloe · 14/08/2024 08:16

I am interested in why he confided in you knowing you are friends with the woman.

Is he testing you?
Is he wanting to get a reaction from you?
Is this a ploy to see whether you'd be jealous?
Does he want a 4-some with them & you?

Many and no reasons. Sometimes people have to confess to someone they trust because it's giving them complicated feelings.

I suggest you come straight out and ask your lady's man friend what his intention was to tell you about this. That it's put you in an awkward position to know this as it will colour your future interactions with this woman and her husband.

He could explore his sexuality and unburden himself through a professional counsellor and not using you as an emotional sick bag, free of charge.

.

BoobyDazzler · 14/08/2024 08:18

Probably not. Life is not black and white and people get up to all kinds of weird shit.

Eyeletwoes · 14/08/2024 08:30

PaulaTrilloe · 14/08/2024 08:16

I am interested in why he confided in you knowing you are friends with the woman.

Is he testing you?
Is he wanting to get a reaction from you?
Is this a ploy to see whether you'd be jealous?
Does he want a 4-some with them & you?

Many and no reasons. Sometimes people have to confess to someone they trust because it's giving them complicated feelings.

I suggest you come straight out and ask your lady's man friend what his intention was to tell you about this. That it's put you in an awkward position to know this as it will colour your future interactions with this woman and her husband.

He could explore his sexuality and unburden himself through a professional counsellor and not using you as an emotional sick bag, free of charge.

.

I think he just said more than he intended to after a few drinks TBH. And probably it was something to get off his chest.

OP posts:
Eyeletwoes · 14/08/2024 08:34

Also, his realtionship with this couple has always been odd, they do an awful lot together and he's a favourite "uncle" and babysitter for their DC. Most people assume he's in love with the wife, who takes advantage of his good nature for help with the DC. I've long thought it might me the husband he has a thing for.

He's definitely not interested in me, he's been very straight and a perfect gentleman with me.

OP posts:
Eyeletwoes · 14/08/2024 08:40

I'm also good friends with his current female interest (yes, small town, everyone knows everyone, all very incestuous). I'd already (before this revelation) told her the way his realtionships usually go, but of course she thinks she'll be different.

OP posts:
whiteboardking · 16/08/2024 00:37

People get up to all sorts. Leave them to it.

PaulaTrilloe · 17/08/2024 06:43

@@Eyeletwoes from your description of him he sounds like one of my male friends who has a bit of a reputation of being a "ladies man" he's a great friend and a true gentleman but with a trail of failed/doomed early stage relationships.

However in our town he has exhausted all female possibilities here and recently moved over 100 miles away to an even smaller town but a new potential source of new friends not yet met....

QVC · 17/08/2024 06:46

Sounds like a mess. Best to keep well out of it.

Allforareason · 17/08/2024 06:53

Drama explosion waiting to happen. It’s best to just stand clear.

Mummadeze · 17/08/2024 06:55

Doesn’t sound like you should do or say anything. It does sound like a very interesting village you live in though!

CalicoPusscat · 17/08/2024 06:59

Honestly, step away from it

NikNak321 · 18/08/2024 13:10

Yep stay far from the blast radius of this one. Just act like he never said anything to you; best off out of this. There's no happy ending (sounds like nobody is innocent) and you'll end up caught in the cross fire 👍🙈

KreedKafer · 18/08/2024 13:35

I’d be unimpressed at him sleeping with someone he knew was in a relationship.

However, the fact that he has slept with man or men doesn’t mean he’s ‘using’ women. He probably likes men and women.

2Orangesandlemons · 18/08/2024 13:38

Stay out of it. The wife probably knows and they all have some weird set up going on.

Tartantotty · 18/08/2024 13:40

None of your business to engage or judge. If he raises the subject of his sex life again just say that your not remotely interested.

BeanCountingContinues · 18/08/2024 13:44

So I have two issues. If he is using all these women, I don't like that, and I have a friend who's husband has cheated in a devastating way.

Issue one: you don't like the way he treats women. Either you ignore his faults because he is a friend, or you drop the friendship. It is not your role to try and 'fix' his faults, or warn his girlfriends.

Issue two: always a tricky one when you know a friend's husband has cheated. Opinion is usually divided as to whether you tell her or not.

If you tell her because you think she would want to know, you risk being blamed for stirring, she may not believe you, and you risk losing her friendship and your name being mud in the wider circle of friends.

If you don't tell her you have to live with this nasty secret on your conscience and if it eventually comes out that you knew and didn't tell her, you may lose her friendship and your name being mud in the wider circle of friends.

It comes down to how much you value her friendship, how much you value honesty over discretion, and how much keeping secrets weighs on your conscience over hurting a friend with the truth.
There is no right or wrong answer.

The gay friend who told you this secret was being thoughtless about the situation it puts you in - he is not a good friend.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 18/08/2024 13:45

He has confided in you. The best thing you can do is keep his confidence and put it to the back of your mind.

BeNavyCrab · 18/08/2024 13:47

I understand that because you are close to everyone it's tempting to try to "save" them or at least not be the person who knows something but didn't say. However there's two people in a relationship, who have strayed with the same person.🫣

From what I understood from your post, it seems like it was right at the beginning of the marriage and maybe they are more committed to each other now?

Id be very cautious about saying something to either of them as it seems both disclosures have been made to you when your male friend was drunk or at least heavily under the influence. He might not even realise that he has and there's always the possibility that it's not true or a fantasy he's got in his head.

You also aren't privy to whether the married couple have disclosed it to each other and are moving past it. If so they will be mortified to know it's out.
I can't see anyone thanking you for exposing what's been happening.

As far as the dynamic of how the friendship of the three adults is, I can see why it makes you uncomfortable, knowing what you do. However there's much more to friendship than a drunken one night fumble. They obviously are all happy with the way they are interacting with each other and getting something from doing so. Also remember that there is a totally innocent child who has a close relationship with them all.

If it were me I would try to ignore everything you have been told and just carry on as normal. However I would try to make sure that I wasn't around any of them when there's a lot of alcohol involved. So you don't get any more unwelcome confessions or accidentally let the cat out of the bag yourself.

SaintHonoria · 18/08/2024 15:02

What he does with his penis behind closed doors with consenting adults is his business.

The issue is why did he choose to tell you knowing full well you are friends with the woman of the couple he has allegedly sleep with?

This has put an unpleasant burden on you as to what you do with that i formation.

It's not like you were dishing for information is it? He just decided to plonk this admission about his sordid sex live on your shoulders.

Personally, I would cut this grotty chap off and do nothing with the information as it's none of your business and besides he could even be lying.

ShuvieTupya · 18/08/2024 15:11

He needs to sort out a threesome with this couple and fuck em both together.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 18/08/2024 15:13

I would stay out of it and focus on other friendships because that group is liable to fall apart at some point.

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