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Would this change how you feel about someone?

32 replies

Eyeletwoes · 14/08/2024 07:36

A male friend, who I once had a thing for, which fizzled out very quickly. We're not now especially close, but see each other fairly regularly in a group and he's one of those friends I could call in an emergency and know he'd do what he can to help, without hesitation. He's considered a bit of a ladies man, but I've long suspected he might be gay and the women are all a cover. There are a lot of women in his life, but none of them go anywhere. I wouldn't say he treats them badly, most remain friends (like me), but he takes relationships so far, then backs off rapidly as soon as the women are starting to believe.

Anyway a while ago he confided in me that he'd slept with his best friend's wife, before they were married and while they'd split after a row - a short lived split as it turned out. Not a great situation, but they were both single at the time, life's not black and white etc.

Now, he's told me he's also slept with the husband (while they were together). He hasn't said he's gay or bi, but that it was a drunken "experiment".

I'm quite good friends with the wife.

So I have two issues. If he is using all these women, I don't like that, and I have a friend who's husband has cheated in a devastating way.

But it's none of my business....?

OP posts:
Tiredofmeangirls · 18/08/2024 16:53

None of you business
Keep out of it

Timefornewcareer · 18/08/2024 22:50

BeanCountingContinues · 18/08/2024 13:44

So I have two issues. If he is using all these women, I don't like that, and I have a friend who's husband has cheated in a devastating way.

Issue one: you don't like the way he treats women. Either you ignore his faults because he is a friend, or you drop the friendship. It is not your role to try and 'fix' his faults, or warn his girlfriends.

Issue two: always a tricky one when you know a friend's husband has cheated. Opinion is usually divided as to whether you tell her or not.

If you tell her because you think she would want to know, you risk being blamed for stirring, she may not believe you, and you risk losing her friendship and your name being mud in the wider circle of friends.

If you don't tell her you have to live with this nasty secret on your conscience and if it eventually comes out that you knew and didn't tell her, you may lose her friendship and your name being mud in the wider circle of friends.

It comes down to how much you value her friendship, how much you value honesty over discretion, and how much keeping secrets weighs on your conscience over hurting a friend with the truth.
There is no right or wrong answer.

The gay friend who told you this secret was being thoughtless about the situation it puts you in - he is not a good friend.

Agree with this 100%

though in your position, I’d say nothing. Don’t get drawn into this drama if you live in a small town.

You have to think of yourself first in this situation. the messenger is often shot. I can see a scenario where this couple fall out, everyone takes sides, but they all fall out with you!

Swiftie1878 · 18/08/2024 22:56

Keep your beak out. Pretend he never told you.
There’s absolutely nothing to gain from speaking about this to anyone else.

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74Violette · 18/08/2024 23:05

He obviously trusts you to confide about all of this. I wouldn't repeat any of it to your friends and just be there if I wants to talk again.

I wouldn't let his complicated love life bother you.

cockadoodledandy · 19/08/2024 17:43

You’re right. It’s none of your business.

StormingNorman · 19/08/2024 17:50

Take it to your grave. You do t want to be anywhere near this when it all goes off.

loropianalover · 19/08/2024 17:52

Were you drunk when he told you? I’d pretend to not remember.

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