How do working parents manage?

[purplejellyfishsquid]

I'll try to keep this brief, while including as much detail as possible so as not to 'drip feed'.

First point is that I have ADHD and am in the depths of peri-menopause. I'm not using this as an excuse because I know millions of women deal with this shit every day. I don't complain about it at home or use it as an excuse either, but fact is both affect my ability to work and function.

I've reached the point where I'm genuinely struggling to understand how households with two working parents (let alone a single parent household!) manage to juggle the daily duties and childcare (2 DC). In particular during the summer.

We are in the fortunate position where my DH runs his own business working from home which allows him a great deal of flexibility.

We both take one child each to school, although he often does both pickups since I'm usually working.

He does a lot for them and throughout the day making breakfasts, collecting the children from school, and during the holidays taking them to their activities and camps. Doing errands (his choice mainly) and working.

I get a lot of hassle and anger from him at the fact that I'm busy working all day and often can't do these extra household tasks.

I mostly WFH and when I do he complains that I'm always busy working or on calls. I have a very busy job as a project manager. Some days I'm on calls for a total of up to 4-5hrs. The time I'm not on calls I spend trying to catch up on emails and projects that I need to complete. I'm basically working solid throughout the day with deadlines looming, so it's very difficult for me to drop everything I'm doing to collect the children.

If I do have some spare time in the day I'll try and get the laundry and dishwasher, a bit of tidying, etc. 95% if the time I make dinner and do all the clean up from that. I do the majority of bedtimes.

When I'm not WFH, I'm working full days in the office or in another location. There is a small element of travel involved in my role. Some months 2-3 days (in a row) and sometimes none at all.

DH always makes a drama out of everything involved with my job. Says I'm working too many hours for too little reward (I've looked into other roles and I'd be no better off). Says I don't allow him the time he needs to run his business and that his job is more important because it makes us more money (3x my salary) and we couldn't pay our bills without it. He says my job is costing us money because it means that if I can't drop what I'm doing during the day for the children then he has to, or we have to pay to put them in a holiday camp.

I've learned to have a pretty thick skin with him, but he's always voicing his frustrations with how much he has to do to keep our home and the children running. I ask him to provide me with some suggestions as to what I can do to make things better but he never has an answer. It's not like I can stop working!

So what do I do? How do parents juggle the day to day duties and childcare when they both work? I'm at a loss how to make things easier.

I’m in a similar position to you op. Both full time working parents. Husband is in private equity and running his own business. He has a great deal more flexibility and frustratingly earns more than me. My job is high demand and I need to be ‘on’ a lot of the time, early mornings and late evenings. I don’t have an answer on how you manage this unbalanced dynamic. But if it helps my husband agreed to me taking this job that would be more presssure for us for more money. I often have to remind him of that and the fact he is lucky to have a job so flexible.

But it does sound to me like quite a juggle for you. And I’m not sure how you have managed so long without structured childcare. How old are your children. I have a childminder all year. During term time she provides wrap around care. In the holiday we do a mix of clubs and days with her. I really couldn’t do this without having this structure in place.

something has to give for you. Either your husband accepts he is putting more in at home or you look at wrap around care to help.

Most people have childcare so it plays out the same way as non-school holidays.

We use childcare - after school club during the term time and holiday club in the holidays (and we take annual leave too of course!). We both work FT. The only difficulty is planning travel schedules so that there's always someone at home but we're both pretty good at compromising.

Paid a fortune for childcare for years
juggled annual leave
odd days from grandparents
holiday childminder

I work in data on a project basis for an investment bank so it’s full on, mostly from home, and have adhd and dyslexia and am also in peri. I Iog in early (6am) so I can do the school run and block put my diary for this and other appointments. I log back in after bedtime too. I manage deadlines so they’re achievable and suit me even if it means explaining why to an exec.

It does seem you’re taking the piss a bit.

I use professional childcare as needed and work compressed hours - but not as much as my employer (like most in IB) is family friendly.

We both have demanding wfh jobs. In the holidays DC are in camps etc. We just take turns - DH tends to drop kids off in the morning as he starts work at 9am but employer flexible. Likewise my employer is flexible although I tend to do afternoon pick ups. It isn't fair that your DH is doing it all to be honest. It's not about 'dropping everything' it's about planning ahead and blocking time out in your work diary for these kinds of things. People can't book in a meeting if you won't be there - and if you manage it between you then it won't look that much across the week.

I would love to put them in regular child care. My youngest is in primary and I know the would also love the extra time there with friends. They do an after school activity one day a week which DH takes them to. Oldest doesn't really need childcare anymore, but often stays for after school sports.

At the moment it's the long summer days we're struggling with. They're in more summer camps than they've ever been in before. Some half days, some full days, and some days they're at home.

Main issue is that DH is frustrated by the costs of the child care and having to disrupt his day to take them and collect them while I'm busy working.

If I suggest putting them in more frequent or longer hours of child care he snaps at me because it's expensive and costs us money. Says my job is costing him money.

I suppose the real problem is with his attitude. I'm just not sure how to make him realise this?

Why do you think that @Ozanj ? The way I read it they both do dropoff, he does pickup, she does dinner & bedtime - she seems to be doing marginally more?
OP can you apply for flexible working to do say Wednesday pickups, to give your H a break from pickups midweek? And he can pick up dinner Friday or similar?
You can’t be expected to have a full time job without inconveniencing him at all and also doing all the chores and childcare. Would couples counselling help maybe?

Well, if your job is very inflexible it does sounds like you’re only able to continue in it because of your husband’s flexibility. Which is fine so long as you are both happy with that scenario. But it sounds like he is not happy.

We both have senior roles, earning similar amounts, and despite our kids being old enough not to need full time childcare, we know we can only both continue at the level we are because our roles are equally flexible. If one of us became less flexible then we would have to reconsider and that would likely become a financial conversation. Which it sounds like is what has happened with you.

To touch on this, I do have a flexible employee. And if I know in advance that I need to be somewhere for the children I will put the time in my diary so that a meeting can't be scheduled in.

Problem is I cannot take an hour and a half out of my working day every week to take our youngest to their after school activity. I've done so and dialled into calls or worked from the activity before when I've had to and have had a few weeks notice.

I also do a regular after school pick up once a week and this is scheduled into my diary.

But it's the ad hoc things that crop up. Particularly in the summer when they're not in regular camps. They change daily and DH often signs them up a day or two before which is too short notice for me just to rearrange my diary, so he's got to do it.

Given you are both WFH, the time management element should be more straightforward to manage.

If neither of you are able to do after school pick ups and the elder child isn’t old enough to be in charge (are they at the same school?), then people round here usually have an after school nanny / family / have some flexible working arrangements to juggle early pick ups.

Have you tried to ask at work for that specific day to be a bit shorter / log on later to account for the after school club?

I outsource a lot to keep the wheels on (and me sane and enjoying life), but we have to be pretty organised and while it looks relaxed on the surface we spend a lot of time discussing and arranging childcare. Oh and paying for it. I have also organised my life to make it as efficient and easy as possible.

Still feels full on, but so long as everything works it’s fine.

Single parent here with adhd (dad not on the scene and never has been). It’s a struggle! I work in education which helps as I have the same term times as the children!

Sympathy op. Currently wondering this myself and I only have 1 dc and work part time ( 4 days). Everything is booked in advance, nothing last minute. Feel so guilty about camp and after school clubs though. I take a week off unpaid each year as well. The summer is the hardest.

turned part time (retail) last year because of this- dh was getting into trouble in work as he had to jump in when things cropped up/ holiday time etc. then same thing, he said my job was costing us money. I ended up leaving to try and concentrate on my books (author) and it’s been war of the roses since so job hunting at the mo. I think if you don’t have an actual babysitter you’re pretty much screwed- we couldn’t count on after school etc a lot of the time

Most people use holiday camps if you are both trying to work over the school holidays.

Sounds like your husband is trying to minimise the importance of your job. If he earns 3 times more than you, then let him pay for the kids holiday camps.

I think your life is like most households with 2 working parents (although most parents would have childcare) however the issue seems to be your DH's attitude to the busy life. I also think it's more usual for both parents to share drop off/pick ups, rather than your DH doing most of these.

I suspect your DH feels more like the "primary" parent which is making him resentful, especially if you have to go away several nights a month. Does he go away? Does he have hobbies?

Can you increase your work flexibility so you're doing a fair share of the school runs?

It would be good to find out more about what your DH is objecting to. I’m more in your DH position, what bothers me is that I hold most of the ‘mental load’. At a certain point we sat down and looked at what we were both doing and evened it out. This made me feel a lot better.

My DH has ASD and lives in the moment, he doesn’t look forward at all to do planning for the family. It’s tiring if you’re the only one who plans or anticipates. This is the underlying reason I ended up with he mental load. I recognise it now as part of his ND but he has also met me part of the way by adding some kid stuff to his work list, like booking and paying childcare,

Could it be something like this? It’s not fair he’s having a go at your job. I hope you get to the bottom of it. It is fecking hard being two working parents, esp with ND and peri in the mix, so self compassion matters too x

If you value your job, after a certain point it doesn’t matter how much you earn, you’re both making good contributions. Your DH pulling the “I earn more” card is below the belt.

Why on earth do you not have rock solid childcare? We both work FT and ours are in holiday clubs that open 8am-6pm if we don’t have time booked off work. Yes, it means our kids can’t do those random activities that only last a few hours but so what?

it is not normal for a working FT parent (your DH) to be able to disappear for 2hrs during the day to do Little Kickers or some such nonsense.

Options are-

You quit your job
Pay for more childcare
Dh stops moaning

Ask him which he wants

Also I would probably choose to go to the office more if I was getting interrupted during the work day.

So your situation is that you have a full time working parent (you) and a full time working parent with some flexibility (DH).

Your basic issue is that you (both) are trying to do too much.
Covid has meant that people think it's now possible to wfh and not bother with formal childcare. Consequently they either don't bother and run themselves ragged or do bother and are annoyed about the expense.

Bluntly - it's not possible for two parents both to work full time with minimal childcare and to expect this to be easy. You can't have everything.
(I'm sure someone will be along to say they manage their full time job in 2 hours a day and it's totally flexible round the children, but that's not most people's normal).

You (one or both of you) either change your jobs/hours; pay for more childcare (I'm assuming from your description your oldest at least may not need it, so this is a diminishing cost); or accept that this is going to be very hard work.

I only work 22 hours a week and it's minimum wage, we pay childcare for holidays which costs as much as I earn in a day.

Overall we make money during term time and having them in holiday clubs saves us our sanity and gives the kids something fun to do. Between us we take time off in small chunks or occasionally a family member has them.

I don't understand how your DH can moan about your job costing money since you probably make more money over the year paying for childcare than you would if you didn't work. Especially when you factor in the holiday expenses just to keep children entertained.

If I suggest putting them in more frequent or longer hours of child care he snaps at me because it's expensive and costs us money. Says my job is costing him money.

Sounds like your DH would very much like you to give up paid work, stay at home and look after his children and house, in other words your DH wants a housekeeper/nanny. I would very much advise against this. You've offered a solution, paid childcare, and he doesn't like that either. I'm a lone parent in perimenopause with ADHD and whilst I am finding life a bit overwhelming ATM I know for sure I couldn't handle a man child on top of everything else. I find parenting alone much easier.

If he earns three times what you do and is doing most of the childcare and running around then I have quite a lot of sympathy for him to be honest.

He's bringing home three quarters of your household income and doing the lions share with the kids.

Obviously your job gives you financial independence but would you earn more as a family if you went part time and did all the drop offs, pick ups etc?