How do working parents manage?

[purplejellyfishsquid]

I'll try to keep this brief, while including as much detail as possible so as not to 'drip feed'.

First point is that I have ADHD and am in the depths of peri-menopause. I'm not using this as an excuse because I know millions of women deal with this shit every day. I don't complain about it at home or use it as an excuse either, but fact is both affect my ability to work and function.

I've reached the point where I'm genuinely struggling to understand how households with two working parents (let alone a single parent household!) manage to juggle the daily duties and childcare (2 DC). In particular during the summer.

We are in the fortunate position where my DH runs his own business working from home which allows him a great deal of flexibility.

We both take one child each to school, although he often does both pickups since I'm usually working.

He does a lot for them and throughout the day making breakfasts, collecting the children from school, and during the holidays taking them to their activities and camps. Doing errands (his choice mainly) and working.

I get a lot of hassle and anger from him at the fact that I'm busy working all day and often can't do these extra household tasks.

I mostly WFH and when I do he complains that I'm always busy working or on calls. I have a very busy job as a project manager. Some days I'm on calls for a total of up to 4-5hrs. The time I'm not on calls I spend trying to catch up on emails and projects that I need to complete. I'm basically working solid throughout the day with deadlines looming, so it's very difficult for me to drop everything I'm doing to collect the children.

If I do have some spare time in the day I'll try and get the laundry and dishwasher, a bit of tidying, etc. 95% if the time I make dinner and do all the clean up from that. I do the majority of bedtimes.

When I'm not WFH, I'm working full days in the office or in another location. There is a small element of travel involved in my role. Some months 2-3 days (in a row) and sometimes none at all.

DH always makes a drama out of everything involved with my job. Says I'm working too many hours for too little reward (I've looked into other roles and I'd be no better off). Says I don't allow him the time he needs to run his business and that his job is more important because it makes us more money (3x my salary) and we couldn't pay our bills without it. He says my job is costing us money because it means that if I can't drop what I'm doing during the day for the children then he has to, or we have to pay to put them in a holiday camp.

I've learned to have a pretty thick skin with him, but he's always voicing his frustrations with how much he has to do to keep our home and the children running. I ask him to provide me with some suggestions as to what I can do to make things better but he never has an answer. It's not like I can stop working!

So what do I do? How do parents juggle the day to day duties and childcare when they both work? I'm at a loss how to make things easier.

Why should she give up her financial independence because her DH is too tight to pay for childcare? DH wants all the advantages of a SAHP because it means he gets all the childcare nonsense sorted for free. That’s what this is about.

I'm a lone parent. You use paid childcare!

For me communication is key. You have to work out who can do what. It might be that ad hoc plans are simply not possible but who ever chooses to make them must do the running around. I think school pick ups and drop offs need to be fair so this is worth talking about. Neither dh or I book things without checking with each other so we know who is available. Like others over the years i have taken a late lunch and booked it in my calendar so i can do school pick up. We are both lucky we have flexible employers but often we are away and have to talk through who can do what if the other is away.

You need to tell DH he needs to be more organised and book the summer clubs/ childcare far enough in advance that you can block out time to do 50% of the running round.

Single parent here. Paid through the nose for childcare. For some periods it was barely worth working, as I pretty much paid it all out again in childcare but I knew it wouldn't last forever.

Sounds like you and your DH need to sit down and have a very thorough chat about a plan going forwards. Divvy up duties, look at where neither of you have enough time and find some alternative childcare options that will work.

This is just a phase. The children will get more independent as they get older and it gets easier. You need to grease the wheels for a while so that you don't both get resentful.

This.
How to manage adult life?
I have Asperger's, nobody bothered with this stuff re my generation and surprise, we get on with it.

So what does he suggest? If he doesn’t want to pay for childcare, you go part time but I’ll guess he’d not be happy with that either! Sounds exactly like my ex husband

The costs of childcare are to be considered in view of affordability relative to family income overall.

Not, not, NOT as a 'woman is default carer and it's only worth her working if she makes more than childcare costs'.

Because you're not the default carer. And if you stop work now, you'll find it harder to get back into work later so the cost saving doesn't quite work out

And would you say your life would have been better if you hadn't been left to get on with it?

It's great you've adapted but plenty of others in your generation would have struggled and felt isolated and lonely.

As to how we cope. After school club at eye watering expense. Flexible hours. Summer holidays a patchwork of clubs, grandparents, weeks off. I know families who double up so one parent cares for kids from two families for a week then they swap. Can work if you get on.

I used to go to a childminder after school through primary.

We pay for a cleaner and our house is never that tidy.

Your husband is basically mad because he expects domestic stuff to be quietly, invisibly done at no expense or inconvenience but that relies on you working your arse off and being superwoman. Many women do it, it's the patriarchy at work though.

We both work full time and I'm the only driver. Thankfully DP is self employed and works with his dad so he switched to part time hours and they do the school runs. I work 7:45 - 6. School holidays we take a 3 week hit each and share the other ones depending on how much work he has. He earns more than me so it makes more sense for him to work if he can. I have to take 2 weeks unpaid leave every year but work have been okay with that. Childcare isn't an option for us due to DD having some panic attack and anxiety issues and we have no other family on either side. It's tough but it's not forever.

That should say *up to 2 weeks unpaid. Last year it was 3 days as DP didn't have loads of work on and could do weekends.

Yes to some paid childcare but also does your older child need to be collected and dropped off at school? Mine walked from 8 yrs ( only about 15 min walk) and from 11yrs walks about 30 mins as do the vast majority.

Single parent here. It's hard work but at least I don't have to deal with a whining man-child putting me down and gaslighting me all day. And when my DC are with their dad I can do whatever I want. I have no sympathy really for people who put with a shit relationship when they don't have to.

I can see why he's frustrated. We are both working full time, but we both have flexible jobs. If it's my DH doing this to me, I'd be very upset. As it is now, we both do pick up and drop off.

You asked how others managed. Some pay a lot of money to get a nanny. Others use 8-6 holiday clubs (we used to before covid). And others both have flexible WFH jobs where we have a large degree of control over our calendars.

I also think you need to change your expectations. If your DC does a club during the working day, then DH needs to be fully available to take him and collect him every week. If it's become difficult, then unfortunately DC can't do their club.

Likewise with school pickups. Unless you've ended up with 2 at different schools because of moving into the area and having to take what you could get, there will be other parents in the same boat and you can look at sharing lifts; or your older child (depending on how old) managing at least some of the journey himself (can they, for example, go to younger child's school?)

Holiday clubs also need to be hours that fit in with your (both of your) work, rather than the work fitting round the club.

You are trying to maintain a lifestyle that relies on a parent being available all the time, without actually having a parent available all the time.

@howlsmovingbouncycastle's advice is good.

Your DH has more flexibility BECAUSE he's more senior, highly paid and a man (probably - men get massive hero points for basics like drop offs and pick ups).

We're in a similar situation (although he earns more like 1.5 x rather than 3 x me) but DH has never thrown it back in my face. He's a scatty probably AuDHDer and has gone through life with women organising him. He is grateful to be organised tbh!

DH is setting a good example to junior employees also.

I work term time only (ish - most of school hols on leave). This removes most of the issue. However one of my DC won't attend camps etc so childcare isn't really an option, he is also a school refuser and I had to take some emergency leave this year and DH took two weeks planned parental leave. School holiday clubs round here also don't run for a full work day so are really mostly pointless anyway.

If you are both stressed by the current situation it does sounds like going part time might be a good option.

How long is this realistically going to be a problem? If your eldest is in secondary the youngest must already be relatively independent unless you have a really big age gap.

I'm a single parent of one, and have a fixed routine which allows me to get everything done.

Mon-Fri term time. Up at 6.30, get ds up at 7. take supper out of freezer, leave at 7.30, drop him at the school bus, at my desk by 8. Work to 5.15, collect ds from school bus, home, cook, tidy up, life admin, relax.

Saturday - 7am weekly foodshop, put first load of washing on, 8.30 Park Run, back by 10, take ds to swimming, do any in-town stuff while he swims, drive us home, lunch, afternoon is free.

Sunday- early morning, clean house, more washing. Usually finished by 10, the rest of the day iis free.

When ds was younger he went to ASC while I finished work. He spent half of the holidays at a local council holiday club which was brilliant and he liked. I covered the rest with annual leave. I never tried to work & look after DS. It isn't possible or professional.

I knew exactly what was happening all the time. I booked everything months in advance. It sounds like your DH needs to understand that things need to be set in stone at least 4 weeks in advance. No booking things at the last minute. And Childcare is a necessity if you work.

Being a single mum and doing it all is actually easier than organising things with my ex. He once booked a holiday for him and ds that ended on Sept 17th. I had to point out ds was back in school on the 5th.

The last paragraph here is spot on. Both of you work, so you should be using childcare to cover your working hours. For the summer holidays, that should be booked in advance so you can rearrange your diaries to split drop off and pick up between you. Likewise, you should be using wraparound care during term time rather than cutting into work time, if that is causing a problem for you as you’re missing meetings.

If your DH doesn’t want to pay for childcare but complains about having to collect the children, then he’s part of the problem. It does seem like he’s trying to make it hard for you to work.

We operate similarly but pick ups, drop offs, meal prep, cleaning and any other 'duties' are portioned out and scheduled. So we have a family calendar that makes it clear on Mondays that DH does morning school run, I do afternoon run, I make dinner which is chilli (all meals planned beforehand), he cleans bathroom.

It probably sounds a bit too structured but if we stick to it then everything runs smoothly and we can visibly see how much the other parent is doing each day to stop any resentment.

I'm a single parent with a demanding professional job and zero family support. I paid for childcare. My job is very flexible but still needs to be done. Sounds like you have more than enough between you to get some support and it will probably save your sanity.

I think people have misread OP's post.

They take a child each to school
DH does more pick ups than her , breakfasts and drop and pick to holiday activities.
OP does dinners and clearing up

I don't see it as unbalanced

The issue is thay she doesn't have the kind of job where she can change her working times suddenly to afford the flexibility required for sudden change of plans

If it the roles were reversed, everyone would be saying her DH would need to do more

OP the solution is to work out holiday plans in advance and divide the drops/ picks between you. I think you are feeling overwhelmed as there are sudden plans made and you can't chop and change your work like that

You need to plan better so you could take more part in the care if the children.