At what age did birthday presents from friends stop happening for you?

[Marmiteontoastgirlie]

All through my teens, 20s and up until now (35) gift giving for friend’s birthdays (never Christmas) has been quite a feature, either big group gifts or personal 1:1 gifts. For all their last birthdays I posted or gave most close friends a birthday gift, but this year have noticed a decided drop off in gifts to me for my recent birthday.

Eg one friend last year spent around £80 on my birthday gift and I put £100 towards her group birthday gift earlier this year, but for my birthday last month I received nothing from her even though I saw her a few weeks after my birthday. Similarly best friend from high school, every year we post each other gifts/flowers, for her birthday in March this year I sent her huge bunch of flowers, for my previous birthday she sent me nice active wear, this year I received nothing from her.

Some key points - no falling outs with anyone, we are all now 34-35 and lots having kids (bestie from high school had her first baby this year). I was also travelling on my birthday so didn’t have a birthday dinner or other event that would encourage gifts.

Is it just the unwritten rule now that once you have kids you no longer bother with gifts for friends? Or that you’ll only receive gifts if you have some sort of birthday event?

I don’t really mind the lack of gifts if this is just the way the world works (obviously slightly annoying to have recently spent hundreds of pounds and not even receive a card for my birthday but I guess someone has to be the last to do the giving) however hearing similar experiences of gifts just suddenly not being the done thing will help me see it as just how life works rather than anything personal to me!

I haven’t had birthday gifts from friends since I left high school.

I very rarely or randomly have received birthday gifts from friends since... school aged parties?

Big birthdays (30, 40 etc) there might a whip around and a gift bought.

But otherwise... not really a thing in my friendship groups. I might buy something if I knew they wanted it, but it wouldn't be expected.

I think it just depends on the person. I have 5 friends that I buy birthday presents throughout the year for (usually a bunch of flowers or similar for 3 of them, something more personal for 2 of them), and then at Christmas I only buy presents for 2 of the 5. And then same in reverse from them to me. My budget for each of those gifts is ~£20.

Of that group, me and 1 other have kids so I don't think it's necessarily related to that but it does certainly impact on budgets.

I have a pretty tight knit friendship group and we all still get gifts for eachother. Ages ranging from late twenties to mid forties. Some have kids some don't.

No one is spending a fortune though, it's just nice little things, or we all go out for a meal together if we have one of those golden moments where we're all free, on the understand the birthday girl/boy pays for nothing.

until about 10 years ago I had quite a few friends that I would regularly exchange gifts with for birthdays and Xmas

Now I’m 45 and friend gifts are these days quite sporadic - I’ll get some friends bringing gifts (not expensive) if I have a party / invite them over on my birthday but generally not gifts from people I don’t see on or around the day.
i have one v close friend from school days that we still buy bday gifts for each other, but we’ve never spent a lot, it’s just little token things.

by mutual agreement we no longer exchange Xmas gifts.

most of my friends and I have families and that definitely affects how much people spend.

At about 10 years old here!

It stopped at secondary school tbh - my best friend and I still buy for each other but max £20.

Exception would be if I was going to a birthday party, then I would take a gift but I think it is unusual to have birthday parties in adulthood unless it is for a big birthday like 30th or 40th.

Surely it’s significant that you seem to be shelling out fairly big amounts of money, £80 and £100? And you talk about ‘all’ your close friends, which sounds like quite a few? It all sounds expensive and rather transactional. I’m not surprised people are trying to quietly drop it, or are not remembering unless there’s a party. I’m 52 and give people presents or cards if I remember, but they’d be modest, usually books.

I still do gifts for friends even though some of us have kids. Only birthdays, not Christmas.

I don't spend £100 though, it's normally something like a bottle of prosecco or chocolates.

My best friend and I buy randomly for each other if we see something. Usually only £5-£10 though.

I've got a newish friend and we buy for each other too. But we're both single parents so gifts are thin on the ground.

Old friends if I was seeing them on their birthday or doing something with them for a birthday celebration, I would take a gift. If not, don't bother.

New friends, never started the tradition of giving or receiving gifts.

Family, I've told them not to buy me gifts because I don't want anything.

We always did it but as the years go by I really don't want anything much and everything is so expensive. What I always want is time with them maybe having dinner.

My DC get me gifts but again I wouldn't mind if not. I just want their time.

I have a few friends that I always exchange gifts with, but we’re talking £20-30 not the amounts you were spending.

Edited to add: I’m 43.

We stopped when we were about 21ish I think.

I was pleased when it stopped in my friendship group. Whilst it’s a nice gesture, let’s be honest, spending hundreds of extra pounds on gifts they may not even like, want or need, is something most people could do without really. It’s a hassle and it’s expensive.

We used to do kids birthdays and Christmas but one friend has 4 kids and it became so expensive and stressful that I said I’m just going to get cards this year so please don’t buy my kids gifts. Thankfully there was a relief amongst the group and it’s so much better now!! Rather than spending £80 on one friends 4 children’s birthdays (£20 kids each) I can put that towards a better gift for my own DC.

When it’s a special birthday we do get together and buy a gift for the bday girl and that’s fine, once every 10 years 😂

This. Can't be arsed with the expense or hassle.

Stopped after 18/21 for me.

This was very much a thing among my friends when we were in our 20s. Once people began having babies, we tended to buy presents for the children's birthdays instead and then that fizzled out once they turned around 5. By that stage, I think we were all exhausted with it all, had enough scented candles and crap to last us a lifetime and, as we were all in well paying roles, could buy ourselves something if we wanted it anyway. I do still buy some friends presents if I'm going to see them around their birthday or if they've been having a tough time but there's no system or expectation of reciprocity,

Hmm I’m similar age and me and my closest group of friends (5 of us) put £15/£20 each and buy whoever’s birthday it is a nice gift. Big birthdays we put £50 each in.

We actually had a discussion about it recently to make sure everybody was still happy with the arrangement as we are all married and have kids etc now so life is busier and perhaps money tighter but we all agree we look forward to the ‘friend’ present every year as it’s the result of 4 great minds 😃

I stopped getting gifts from friends somewhere around 1987 when I was early twenties. Even then, they were only token/jokey gifts like a coffee mug with something funny printed on it. Time to grow up me thinks - oh, and less waste for landfill.

They never started.

It's only for big birthdays or if invited out to celebrate here, in which case it's likely to be wine, chocolates, giftcard or similar. Have never routinely exchanged gifts with friends as an adult for either Christmas or birthdays.

Up until our early 30s my friendship group was like yours OP but once people start having kids they stop giving presents because 1/ they have no money 2/ time slips by like you wouldn't believe. It's not a conscious decision you just drop the ball on it. Our group had kids over a 15 year period so all different ages/stages, I found those without kids and those with teens gave presents while those with kids between 1-10 (myself included) it was very sporadic!

Okay thank you everyone! Sounds like I can gift up the ghost guilt free then (or rather with some disgruntlement as it appears I am the one in the red forever now lol). I am definitely at that age with close friends having kids and everyone not bothering anymore. It was getting progressively more expensive as well as we all have higher incomes and more expensive tastes than when we were in our 20s, so perhaps it is a relief!

Gifts are my love language so it is a bit sad but I can shower DP and mum with gifts, and our own baby is on the way so I’ll probably be the one forgetting to even text on my friend’s birthdays soon enough.

Haha that should say *give up the ghost but the typo is fitting.