MIL nitpicking

[Sarara89]

I’d like some advice from those who have been in a similar situation.

My MIL is constantly nitpicking at me. I’ve managed to ignore it for most of my marriage, but it’s starting to grate on me as it gets worse. She can be a bit like this with the whole family, but it seems much more frequent with me.

Examples of just a few from the last two visits:

• She greeted me with a sneer and said, ‘Oh, why are you wearing such a tight and colourful dress?’ and suggested I wear more makeup.
• At meals, she will loudly comment on the amount of food I’m eating, asking whether I’m going to ‘eat all that’ and ‘Wow, you’ve eaten a lot’ or ‘Wow, you ate more than last time you were here’ once I’m done.
• Other random recent comments included, ‘That’s such an odd handbag; why do you have that?’ ‘You don’t need to cover your mouth whilst you talk with your mouth full; you need to relax a bit’ and more rude comments about my house or baking (she physically recoiled after DH asked if anyone wanted some cakes I had made and asked me why I bothered making them) or little digs at any other life choice I make.

I could probably tolerate this if it were combined with occasional nice words, as her opinion means less and less to me, so I can block it out to an extent, but it’s not, so I’m starting to get irritated with being put down and nit-picked at.

So my question is, how should I approach this? I’ve tried saying things like, ‘Haha, mil, you do love to comment on my outfits’ or ‘Yes, I plan to eat my plate of food; why do you ask?’ but I have not been too direct about it, and it’s had no impact, as she laughs it off, says she means nothing and carries on making the comments.

DH wants to go over there and speak to her about it. He’s aware of the nitpicking ramping up, and he thinks she’ll only listen if it comes from him, as she respects him more.

I think this will cause a whole family drama (as did the last time we tried to set a tiny boundary), so I’d prefer to pick her up on things as they are said directly or tbh go low contact as the whole family is hard work (very racist bil, controlling fil and aggressive dog). DH supportive of low contact if that's what I end up doing.

Thoughts on the best way to approach this?

I would not want to spend any time with someone who spoke to me like that.

And why is nobody pulling her up on rude comments as she makes them. Clearly your husband hears them at the time, so why doesn't he tell her there and then.

I'd do the MN favourite one liner;

'MIL, did you mean to be rude?' after every comment, on repeat like a parrot

She makes most of the comments when he is out of the room. When he hears her share a rude opinion of me, he jumps into the conversation and changes the subject.

I'm not sure why the rest of the family ignores it... they can also be pretty rude.

Could you try staring off into the distance and saying "Mmmm?" as though what she says is of absolutely no interest to you? Then just ignore her and walk out of the room or start talking to someone else.

Well I’m not sure I’d worry about keeping the peace at this stage as there’s no peace to be kept.

I wouldn’t try and be clever about it, say something clear like “Please don’t comment on my clothes/make up/eating it’s no-one else’s business”.

or “that’s so rude”.

Whatever you could say comfortably.

Alternatively I agree with going low contact. Life’s too short to put up with nastiness like this.

I would not tolerate this even for a minute. And I was NC for 8 years for similar things or even more weird things said out of the blue - she learnt her lesson , repented, cried, asked to forgive her - TRY IT. LET HER NOT SEE HER GRANDKIDS FOR 8 YEARS

I'm not sure him changing the conversation is enough, if he hears he should pull her up.

If he does go to speak to her about it then it needs to be along the lines of any time a comment is made like that again then you will leave, or she will be made to leave your house. No if's or buts. And you must follow through every single time.

Let him go over. He has your back and she needs to know.

In your shoes? I'd just get up and leave next time and not go back. If she comes to yours? Go out. Preferably as she arrives.

1. your dh wants to go around, absolutely let him! O If you trust him to properly defend you grab it.

It's not your business or job to worry about her drama, do not fall into that trap

Let him go
2) the next time she makes a comment... People in green houses shouldn't throw stones and wouid you talk like this to a friend and then if she carries on call it out every single time and hang the drama.

Pick a response and just keep saying it over and over again, with a controlled, netural tone.

A good one shared above 'did you mean to be rude?', another one is 'thats not very nice', 'ouch' - whatever feels natural to you.

Thanks, good idea to be mindful of the tone. I'll try this for a couple of months and see if it makes any difference.

Another one is 'I dont like when you talk to me like that' - remember to NEVER respond to her question/criticism. Don't ever feel like you have to defend yourself, just leave her comment hanging.

I think it can also be useful (or maybe I'm just petty) to repeat these things when your DH is there. So often people get away with it because they wait until it's just the two of you. So she says something about what you're wearing, you politely don't rise to it. As soon as your DH is back in the room, say to him "you still love me in this dress don't you? Your mum was just saying its too tight and colourful for me!", giving him an opportunity to say to his mum more in the moment "she looks fucking fantastic, what are you on about?!".

I always like the response "and you're saying that because?!"

At this point I would go for her big time. Tell her that her rudeness and bitter comments now stop or you will never have her in your home again and you will not be going to hers. And mean it.

There is no peace to keep so don’t attempt to.

If she is in your home tell her to get out. If you are in hers, walk out.

Let your DH know this will happen.

She sounds a vicious and horrible woman. There is no need to mind her feelings when she doesn’t mind yours. This would then be time to go NC.

I love this idea - will give it a go. Maybe I'm also petty 😂

Thanks, good point. When I was younger, I got into the mindset of feeling like I had to defend myself to her and occasionally I still find myself doing this.

I follow this guy on instagram, he’s a lawyer & really good at dealing with ‘tricky’ people. He gives scenarios & then suggests responses you can use with those tricky people.
Two sentences he uses are “Did you mean that to sound rude” or “Can you repeat that, I didn’t hear you”
It forces the other person to think about what they said. This can be embarrassing for them because you have called them out & you are letting them know you are on to them.
“Can you repeat that? ”The majority of times, the person won’t repeat the question/insult. It loses its intention & makes them look like an even bigger douche bag, especially if it’s in front of other people. That’s my favourite one.

This is probably good advice- I was thinking maybe you could mirror her “how funny that you should comment on my odd dress sense, I was about to ask you exactly the same question?”
”Gosh you seem very very invested in my food intake today, MIL. You can just call me fatso if you like, as long as you don’t mind me commenting on you in turn.”
“You ask me this every time I’m here MIL, how about you tell me how much food I should eat, so that you won’t feel the need to comment.”
”How about you first MIL, or maybe you PIL - are you going to eat all that? BIL- you racist fucker how about you? everything on the plate, really?” Whilst puffing your cheeks out.

That isn't nitpicking that is down right rude and mean! You dh absolutely needs to speak to her.

I really wouldn't want to be in her company at all if she behaved like that towards me. If you end up on your own with her get ur phone out and make it clear ur not listening, even pretend to take a call 😂

You need to either call her out every time. Like oh that's a bit mean, do you realise how rude that is etc. I'd appreciate if you didn't talk about my appearance or what I'm eating I find it very rude.

Or do it right back although I'm sure this wouldn't come naturally as it does to her. I wouldn't want to bring myself down to her level but maybe a few sly digs lol.

As a pp said, sometimes it's good to ask others opinion on what she said.

When do gets back 'your dm thinks I need to wear more make up, what do you think'

On auntie Jan, 'mil thinks my dress is too colourful, what do you think'

Hi Janet 'mil thinks I'm being stuck up and need to chill out' what do you think

This might sound weird (!) but the friends episode s5 ep6 I think (oh god I just looked it up) the one with the yeti. 8 mins in (I’m really sad) they go to apologise to Danny who responds ‘ok’ so everything they say and it drives them mad.

I’ve never forgotten it because it’s surely the absolute best, neutral, non-confrontational response that is SO completely undermining without being unpleasant and is so satisfying. Just a blank-faced ‘ok’ and then turning away and carrying on with your life.

This needs to be nipped in the bud Now, before you have children.
All you need to say is Did you mean to be so rude and stare. That is all. Nothing else. Watch her squirm.

This is so true! My MIL used to say things that would really upset me, DH and BIL response is she's always like that just ignore her. I've had a blow up at her a few times over the years, but still it continued - now she's starting on our children so I've really gone to town, walked out, taken the kids away, she's still convinced she's right 'I can't say anything can I' or 'you've really upset me' completely victim blaming and also turning herself into the victim too and I'm not putting up with it anymore - I'm not seeing her, I'm keeping my ASD child away from her toxic bile and DS doesn't want to rock the boat so goes to see them sometimes

I never understand why posters continue to put themselves in the reach of people like mil. Your husband knows she is rude and offensive, so you could easily just say 'nope, not doing this again' and refuse to visit. And your dh could tell her why!
She has no entitlement to visits or access to grandchildren. You certainly don't need to put yourself in the position of having yo manage her or develop strategies - just opt out of the whole thing.