MIL nitpicking

[Sarara89]

I’d like some advice from those who have been in a similar situation.

My MIL is constantly nitpicking at me. I’ve managed to ignore it for most of my marriage, but it’s starting to grate on me as it gets worse. She can be a bit like this with the whole family, but it seems much more frequent with me.

Examples of just a few from the last two visits:

• She greeted me with a sneer and said, ‘Oh, why are you wearing such a tight and colourful dress?’ and suggested I wear more makeup.
• At meals, she will loudly comment on the amount of food I’m eating, asking whether I’m going to ‘eat all that’ and ‘Wow, you’ve eaten a lot’ or ‘Wow, you ate more than last time you were here’ once I’m done.
• Other random recent comments included, ‘That’s such an odd handbag; why do you have that?’ ‘You don’t need to cover your mouth whilst you talk with your mouth full; you need to relax a bit’ and more rude comments about my house or baking (she physically recoiled after DH asked if anyone wanted some cakes I had made and asked me why I bothered making them) or little digs at any other life choice I make.

I could probably tolerate this if it were combined with occasional nice words, as her opinion means less and less to me, so I can block it out to an extent, but it’s not, so I’m starting to get irritated with being put down and nit-picked at.

So my question is, how should I approach this? I’ve tried saying things like, ‘Haha, mil, you do love to comment on my outfits’ or ‘Yes, I plan to eat my plate of food; why do you ask?’ but I have not been too direct about it, and it’s had no impact, as she laughs it off, says she means nothing and carries on making the comments.

DH wants to go over there and speak to her about it. He’s aware of the nitpicking ramping up, and he thinks she’ll only listen if it comes from him, as she respects him more.

I think this will cause a whole family drama (as did the last time we tried to set a tiny boundary), so I’d prefer to pick her up on things as they are said directly or tbh go low contact as the whole family is hard work (very racist bil, controlling fil and aggressive dog). DH supportive of low contact if that's what I end up doing.

Thoughts on the best way to approach this?

Just wanted to say how awful this woman sounds. I really feel for you. MIL is clearly unstable emotionally or just nasty. I hope your husband supports you in the way you want.

Haha I love this. Thanks for checking the episode and time stamp 🤗

The most powerful response you can have is to refuse to see her, ever. Why on earth are you continuing to subject yourself to this cow? It's ridiculous. Your husband can see her, you will not be.

😀 I just feel like if they really stand by what they say, it won't be a problem will it?

I did it to a friends shit-stirring DH. He took the opportunity when she was in the loo to do a "well X has been saying you're going to start changing your mind about having kids now you're married", which I just did a bland "really?" response. As soon as friend came back to the table I put him right on the spot by asking her why she thought that, she obviously was confused as she'd never said any such thing, so I dumped him right in it by quoting what he'd just said with both of them there. It was fun, not rude, and why should I care about making him uncomfortable when he obviously didn't give a shit about making me uncomfortable?

This one drove me mad when done to me by my teens..."whatever"
Your bags to big...whatever.
You eat too much....whatever.
Your dress is too bright. Whatever....
Repeat.

"Don't talk to me like that, ever"

I did this with my ex-fil, he never spoke to me again. Whole family thought it was hilarious.

Record her when your husband is out of the room. Play back when he's back.
Or just don't see her anymore.

Absolutely this. No need for clever come-backs - just don't spend any more time in her company. By the sounds of things her own son can see her for what she is, supports the OP and is willing to go low contact.

OP, just stop seeing the woman.

Stop seeing her also means no family events surely?
It's probably the best option but doesn't that mean suddenly her dh is torn between all sorts of events his wife won't go too but he wants to see others?

Some fabulous advice here, repeat again is a good one, as well as not defending at all or responding to the critisism.

How often are you seeing them? I'd be moving it to the bare minimum for starters, let her take out her bile on someone else.

I had been keeping it to no more than once every 6 weeks but that’s felt like too much.

Now she’s getting ruder I think I’m going to try and limit it to a few times a year for big family events.

Just ask her why she thinks it's acceptable to be so rude to you each and every time and leave immediately if she is (or chuck her out if you're at home).

When she says I didn’t mean nothing just say well it’s best not to say nothing then, especially if you don’t mean nothing.

Also agree with repeating her comments to your DH when he’s in the room.

I used to work with someone who would reply to many comments with a slight head tilt/ frown and 'what do you mean?'

It was quite disconcerting and irritating tbh and I do wonder whether she'd learnt it during some management course, but I could see that it was quite effective.

So your MinL comments on your dress - instead of taking it as an insult, act slightly confused and ask her what she means by that. The effect can be quite destabilising