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Original poster

Holiday child mean to my DD

31 replies

BeretInParis · 12/08/2024 01:59

We're on a week's holiday with some other couples and their kids. Our kids don't know the other children well but have been having great fun together- or so I thought.

One of the girls (aged 10) called my DD9 a 'pig' and a 'fattie' today. My DD was obviously upset. I asked her if she may have inadvertently said anything that might have provoked the other child. She says not. I coached her on a couple of responses should it happen again and tried to cheer her up.

We go home on Wednesday. Do I say anything to the parents? If so, what? Do I just subtly keep the kids apart until we go home? My DD will be left out of the group play if I do that. What would you do?

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 12/08/2024 02:05

I would coach on what to say (like you've done)
I don't think I'd tell them UNLESS it comes up again. Eg your child is obviously hanging around you saying she doesn't want to play with her
And I'd say you don't have to play with her if you don't want to because of what she said

suburberphobe · 12/08/2024 02:16

You protecting your child from bullies comes before going on holiday with others.

Going on holiday alone with your child is perfectly normal.

I've done it for years. We always meet lovely people. from every country.

Just be independent and find your holiday tribe.

In the mayhem of modern life, solo holidays are good.

Love my friends, but don't need to go away with them abroad.

Original poster
BeretInParis · 12/08/2024 02:22

Thanks for the speedy responses @purpleme12 and @suburberphobe. We just have one more full day of the holiday left so need to get through that. @purpleme12 it seems like you're reflecting my thinking. So mention it if appropriate but try and keep the girls apart so nothing happens. A lonely day for my DD tomorrow though. 😞

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9 year olds Families
XlemonX · 12/08/2024 02:50

I will also just coach her on how to protect herself if that should come up again. It wont be the first time someone is mean to her so see it as a good practise for her, though is shit that its friends DD. I will slyly tell her in a conversation,
”…and pretty girls dont call others fattie 🙂”

CheeseSalads · 12/08/2024 06:15

I would tell the other parents. That is a nasty thing to say and they are only young. If my child had said that to another, I would absolutely want to know about it!

User364837 · 12/08/2024 06:20

I’d also just be a bit closer and more in ear shot when they’re playing.
partly because then the other child is much less likely to be horrible in front of you, and partly because if you overhear something you can pick the other child up on it (politely, “we don’t use those works” or “let’s make sure we all speak kindly to each ofher”) and maybe the other parents will naturally be aware of it and feel embarrassed and address it with their child.

CheekyHobson · 12/08/2024 06:25

CheeseSalads · 12/08/2024 06:15

I would tell the other parents. That is a nasty thing to say and they are only young. If my child had said that to another, I would absolutely want to know about it!

Absolutely. I would have serious words to say to my children if they were speaking to others like that.

Greategret · 12/08/2024 07:15

Is she fat? If she is, I'd be trying to address it now in terms of more exercise and considering what she eats and portion sizes. Snappy comebacks are all very well but, if she is overweight now, she will be facing more comments in the future. Of course, regardless of her weight, the other child is totally unjustified in calling her names and I'd tell the child's parents the sort of spiteful things their child was saying.

I am slightly confused about your comment that you asked your daughter if she may have inadvertently said anything that might have provoked the other child. I don't think some inadvertent comment is any justification for calling a child a "pig" and a "fattie".

One of my children was slightly overweight. They went on to study medicine and did reduce their weight. I suppose finding out the risks they were running with the extra weight spurred them on. I don't recall them ever being called names like pig or fattie though.

WonderingWanda · 12/08/2024 07:37

I would go with my dd to the other child and tell her it was unacceptable and ask her to apologise.

mondaytosunday · 12/08/2024 08:06

Kids say hurtful things without thinking. It is painful to witness because it also brings up memories of our own childhood when we were made fun of, not picked to play, embarrassed ourselves one way or another.
Is your child a bit overweight? If so she'll get this at school - my son, slightly chubby, certainly did (and probably much more than I ever realised). It has totally affected his life (now 21). Nine is likely the start of lots of changes for her physically, so a particularly sensitive age to have weight the focus.
By 13 my son had become more than chubby and he took himself in hand and lost the weight and he's now a trained fitness instructor.
He puts a lot of his self worth in to his look (hair, clothing etc). Sure he is healthy and very fit - good result on one hand. But he has an eating disorder which is how he copes. He lives with that every day.
Many kids get teased for things. But sometimes that teasing has lifelong consequences.

BowTiesPinkTail · 12/08/2024 08:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

BowTiesPinkTail · 12/08/2024 08:45

@mondaytosunday sorry i quoted the wrong post - will ask for my post to be deleted

Topseyt123 · 12/08/2024 08:58

I'd have a word with the parents. Why not? If the child is treating others like this then they need to know.

If actually heard the child (or any of the children, including my own) being horrendous to others in any such way I would have strong words with them myself too, before discussing it with their parents.

I would also reconsider whether or not going on holiday with friends because the children will love it is something you really want to do in the future. It often doesn't work out as you think it might, even for the adults. Going on holiday by yourselves with just your own child is perfectly fine too, and you might all be more comfortable.

Branleuse · 12/08/2024 09:02

I would talk to your friend and say its awkward but their kid has been calling your kid names, and you dont want any drama, but can they get their child to apologise.
Then encourage your kid to ignore the other childs comments because they're just being mean for no reason

Original poster
BeretInParis · 12/08/2024 09:06

Thanks for all the responses. No, my DD is not overweight. V average in build.

Re whether she might have upset her friend first... I just wondered if she had accidentally upset the other child and the other child retaliated with the name calling. Two wrongs don't make a right but I thought I'd check. I know most parents would say this but my DD is an exceptionally kind and sweet child. She's never horrible- even to her own sister- but I wanted her to consider her own behaviour too.

OP posts:
Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 12/08/2024 09:13

WonderingWanda · 12/08/2024 07:37

I would go with my dd to the other child and tell her it was unacceptable and ask her to apologise.

Yes this is the best approach I think. The child is 10, old enough to be spoken to directly. If there is any further issue tell the parents maybe. Personally I'm not a fan of adults 'telling tales' as it usually doesnt work out. It makes the parent feel embarrassed and defensive, and puts responsibility on them to blame the child, who will then lie and say that's not what happened at all.

I'd be firm but unemotional and say these words are not acceptable, you need to apologise etc, and hopefully that will be the end of it. It's a role model opportunity, your DD will see you handling it assertively and hopefully model this alone in the future.

NowImNotDoingIt · 12/08/2024 09:15

I'd talk to the parents. If they react badly , then you know they're not the kind of people/parents you want to spend time with (or with their kid). If they don't, then both girls will learn a lesson. One that she can't name call whomever she wants , whenever she wants and your DD that you have her back and she doesn't have to put up with shit just to keep the "harmony".

Jellycatspyjamas · 12/08/2024 09:16

She's never horrible- even to her own sister- but I wanted her to consider her own behaviour too.

I completely understand your thinking but by asking her if she provoked it you’re subtly suggesting she’s responsible for the other child’s behaviour. With my DD (13 and in the throws of friendship drama) I’ll ask what else was happening at the time or if she can think of a reason that X said Y. The response gives me an insight into what my DD thinks (eg I must be fat or I took an extra bit of chocolate) and gives an opportunity to reinforce she isn’t to blame for other people’s behaviour.

WonderingWanda · 12/08/2024 09:16

BeretInParis · 12/08/2024 09:06

Thanks for all the responses. No, my DD is not overweight. V average in build.

Re whether she might have upset her friend first... I just wondered if she had accidentally upset the other child and the other child retaliated with the name calling. Two wrongs don't make a right but I thought I'd check. I know most parents would say this but my DD is an exceptionally kind and sweet child. She's never horrible- even to her own sister- but I wanted her to consider her own behaviour too.

That's a very sensible approach, all kids can get things wrong even if they weren't intending to and they need us to guide them and explain why what they said might not have been a good idea at times.

mm81736 · 12/08/2024 09:26

Kids say hurtful things without thinking.
Rubbish! She was saying it to be cruel!

playingatlife · 12/08/2024 09:37

I would mention it to the other parents, name calling at that age needs to be nipped in the bud x

Original poster
BeretInParis · 12/08/2024 15:04

Jellycatspyjamas · 12/08/2024 09:16

She's never horrible- even to her own sister- but I wanted her to consider her own behaviour too.

I completely understand your thinking but by asking her if she provoked it you’re subtly suggesting she’s responsible for the other child’s behaviour. With my DD (13 and in the throws of friendship drama) I’ll ask what else was happening at the time or if she can think of a reason that X said Y. The response gives me an insight into what my DD thinks (eg I must be fat or I took an extra bit of chocolate) and gives an opportunity to reinforce she isn’t to blame for other people’s behaviour.

Really insightful advice @Jellycatspyjamas. Thank you. I haven't navigated anything like this before and the language you use is really helpful.

I spoke to the mum today in a very light way. Told her what I'd been told, that there's two sides to every story but I thought she'd want to know. She responded in the best way possible - asking clarifying questions, apologising and saying she'd have a chat with her DD.

I feel so much better now and have advocated for my DD. Thanks for everyone's input.

OP posts:
Mobcap · 12/08/2024 15:10

Topseyt123 · 12/08/2024 08:58

I'd have a word with the parents. Why not? If the child is treating others like this then they need to know.

If actually heard the child (or any of the children, including my own) being horrendous to others in any such way I would have strong words with them myself too, before discussing it with their parents.

I would also reconsider whether or not going on holiday with friends because the children will love it is something you really want to do in the future. It often doesn't work out as you think it might, even for the adults. Going on holiday by yourselves with just your own child is perfectly fine too, and you might all be more comfortable.

Edited

This. My DS was being teased for a physical characteristic, and I talked individually to all parents involved and to his teacher and the Head. Everyone was great, but I knew they would be. The important thing is that your child knows you have their back, and that steps can be taken to ensure this doesn’t keep happening.

Onethinnyatatime · 15/08/2024 12:39

I think you have done well by coaching your daughter on what to say. Similar situations are likely to arise again in the future and is good she is ready for the next time. Unfortunately, we can't control what happened to us but we can control our response and how is going to affect us.

Joint holidays can be pretty intense and at some point a child might say something unkind to another but that's it.They forget two minutes later.

However, if this becomes a recurring occurrence and your child is regularly upset, I will have a word with the parents and won't have any more holidays together.

beanii · 15/08/2024 12:48

No I wouldn't say anything to be honest.

Teach her that it doesn't matter what other people say - they're merely words.

Best lesson she can learn.