No idea what I've done, would you ask?

[Fastergo]

I go on a weekly activity with a group of friends. I've been doing it for about 3 years, like the people and consider them friends, but only really see them at those activity. 7 people, men and women.

When I first started going, another woman came. I thought we got on Ok. She's currently going through a horrible divorce, is angry at the world. She stopped coming, which we all understood was because she didn't have childcare since her ex was no longer at home. We were sorry she could no longer come, but kept meeting at the normal time, always an open invitation. Most of us kept in touch, I thought I'd sent some supportive messages, but we were never close friends, so not that often.

Anyway, she has now told some other members of the group that she'd like to come back, but won't while I'm there. No one seems to know why, they're all saying it's her loss, not to worry about it. I genuinely have no idea what I've done to upset her. I'm not worried as such, but I don't like to think I'm responsible for someone already going through a horrible time feeling worse, and coming back to the activity would do her good, if she's able.

I feel like I should try and clear things up, however, in her current frame of mind where she seems to take offence everywhere (I'm not the only one) I feat it might just make things worse, especially if it something she's taken the wrong way and I have to try and justify myself.

WWYD?

I'd either ask one of the others to find out the reason or ask her directly. It's horrible that she'd say that with no basis.

i can’t believe the others even told you

they should have just said “never going to happen”

are you sure they’re not using her as an excuse?

Excuse for what? They're not suggesting I stop going. There's been lots of bad feeling about our "clique" spreading in our wider circles, we were talking about what might be behind it.

Ask her. I had a similar experience many years ago. It really upset me. We worked out our 'differences' which was bout her not liking my personality and me not caring and her coming around to how I was not what she thought I was.

It was very hurtful at the time.

Don't stop going because of her but do find out why, as it may e a misunderstanding.

Have a look on MN at any thread where people have told the OP to block and ignore without any explanation.... you might find the answer there!

I'm being a bit facetious but this always gets advised because no-one wants to have a conversation about anything.

Sorry you are in this situation but I think carry on as normal unless she actually wants to communicate the issue.

I'd be tempted to ignore the whole thing unless/until you're backed in to a corner when I'd pin whoever's pushing you for an explanation. But then I've learnt that sometimes unpleasantness fades away on it's own as long as you don't react.

excuse for you feeling uncomfortable and then leaving?

i just can’t fathom why they even told you

just a plain “no don’t be ridiculous” to the woman should have been enough

There's been lots of bad feeling about our "clique" spreading in our wider circles,

WTAF

I can’t fathom why these people apparently listened to this but didn’t ask her why or otherwise ask for further details. That’s really weird and frustrating of them.

and then told the op

i suspect more is at play here

You’d be quite justified to ignore it, but I think the most grownup thing to do (which everyone in the group will appreciate) is to say to everyone that you’ll drop her a line to see what the misunderstanding is.

Drop her the line - Hi S - I understand that you’d like to come back to the group, but you have an issue around me? Would you like to meet to discuss? I’d like you to come back if you’re able, so happy to meet for a coffee any time.

She’ll probably dodge it. If she doesn’t meet somewhere neutral, let her say whatever daft thing she wants to, explain it’s not the case. Follow up with everyone explaining you met, explained you’d be delighted she came back, so hopefully she will.

Eh? What bad feeling? This sounds quite weird.

your latest post has made this thread suddenly take a turn for the bloody weird

God, this is why i tend to avoid group activities 😄 There's so often one person who tries to divide, dominate or cause bad feeling.
Unless you've done something truly heinous to her she's no right to tell the group 'it's her or me'. That's essentially emotional blackmail. She certainly can't demand you leave if it's simply that she doesn't like you - a personality clash.
You've two options i think - ask her directly what the issue is (either you or another group member) or completely ignore and refuse to engage in the hope it blows over.

only on mumsnet

in my experience at least

Totally agree
Either she speaks to you about your " behaviour" in an adult way or you ignore and do nothing

Op
Sounds like she is trying to dump her anger on you as scapegoat and is getting others on side to stir

I put behaviour in quotation marks as its not likely your behaviour but hers

Wild stab in the dark here. When a woman you previously got along with suddenly cuts you dead and won't say why, there is often only one thing behind it, and that is a man. Either she thinks her partner is after you, or you are after him.

You are all part of a wider social circle and this woman is currently going through an acrimonius divorce. Could it be possible that her ex cheated on her with somebody and she thinks it was you? Or some shit-stirrer in the group has said something similar?

Anyway, she has now told some other members of the group that she'd like to come back, but won't while I'm there.

The person(s) she said this too knows, ask them. No-one hears that from someone and doesn't ask why, no-one says that and doesn't give at least some indication.....

What does this mean? Bad feelings for what reason? Is it possible she doesn’t like you because she’s a friend of someone who doesn’t like you? Agree with PP there has to be more to it.

No one's pushing me for an explanation.

The general feeling this morning was that she has no intention of coming back and to ignore it.

The person she'd spoken to said she doubtsthe woman in question can explain it, just that she's decided she doesn't like me.

We get accused of being cliquey because we're quite a close group. If that's what cliquey means, then we are, but you can't include everyone in everything.

Yes, that's possible. Since her separation she's become close with someone who spots vulnerable people and befriends them. Early on, when I thought we were friends, I gently tried to suggest she should be careful who she trusts. I know that person doesn't like me because we fell out over the terrible way she treated someone else a long time ago.