Is there anything else I can do to help my DD who is incredibly anxious about starting secondary school?

[ShadesOfPemberley]

She has a history of anxiety so we are going through all her usual techniques, deep breathing, challenging the thoughts etc but mostly distraction as this is always the best way to get her out of the anxious groove she gets stuck in.

I did know this would happen but it’s really hard ☹️

She was bullied on two different occasions at primary, once in Y5 when her (toxic) friendship group turned on her and then very unhelpfully right at the end of Y6 when the two popular Mean Girls in her year singled her out. This is obviously adding a new edge to her old anxiety as her main worry about the new school is whether she will make any friends and whether they’ll be nice or not.

She is the only one from her old school
going to this school, deliberately tbh as (though she did have some lovely pals towards the end of Y6) there were too many years where she struggled socially at primary. Many others will be there as ‘solo’ pupils too, there are a few larger blocks from the same schools but plenty who aren’t.

She is pretty introverted but really likes (and needs!) a small group of friends. She’s not a loner at all and I worry that her anxiety is going to make her withdraw so much into herself that she will find it hard to respond to friendly kids, making a self fulfilling prophecy!

She has phone numbers of two girls she met at Induction event who she liked a lot and chatted to and she is going to meet at least one of them next week. I hope that will help.

But: apart from me helping her with her anxiety-reducing techniques, and telling her how confident I am in her, telling her everyone is feeling nervous too etc etc… is there ANYTHING else I can try??

We have run/practised her journey (which is pretty easy) but that’s not the main source of worry at all. It’s the unknown she is going into and to a certain extent there’s nothing that can be done about that! Is IS unknown, unknown for all of them, but for her who likes to control her anxiety with KNOWING what coming up (dealing with this aspect of her anxiety is always our battle, of course you can’t always KNOW what’s ahead!!!!) it’s pretty hard at the moment. And there are 3 more weeks to go!! ☹️

would worst case scenario type things help her feel a bit more in control? So - it’s lunchtime & everyone is at clubs or in a big group chatting. Does she

• say ‘hey everyone look what I can do!’ And start her juggling act standing on her head
• carry a pack of cards or a rubies cube she can play with
• go to the library
• wander the corridors (I don’t know if they are allowed to do this anymore)
• other

Would it help her to think about other people in her class & helping them feel welcome? So she has met a couple of people at induction, but I bet there will be some other people who haven’t and who are also bricking it - how could she help them?

Card games can be pretty good actually we had a craze for 21 and spoons when I started secondary (mists of time)

Worst case scenarios ARE a good idea, Telemichus, thank you. She needs to be in a reasonably positive state to try that angle and she won’t be today because she was awake half the night too stressed to go back to sleep ☹️ but I will try that tomorrow when she’s hopefully less knackered 👍

Secondary schools are very aware of settling in issues. There will be a point of contact for her, and she will be told about support systems.
However, she'll be very busy and will get to know others in her tutor group and teaching group. If you reassure her that everyone is there to help, and lots of people who are new, it'll be fine.

Conversation starters. You can probably think of better ones:
. I'm Tara, what's your name
. I've just had English, how about you
. Aren't the y11s enormous!!
. I don't know anyone, can I hang out with you at break
. Do you know where the library is

The first week everyone will feel new. That is the best time to chat before groups start forming too much.

Also, tell her that every adult with a lanyard on is there to help! No-one will be cross if she gets lost or is unsure. Plus, there is always a safe space - find out where it is in the school, you can contact the SENDCO. Also, tell the form tutor and pastoral head about her anxiety, so they have a heads up.

Anxiety before starting school.

• talk to her about your first day. What your uniform was like, what were the trends, if you walked to school or not. How your day went what your timetable was like. Get her father to do the same, aunties, cousins etc. As many people as you can.
• Try and find images of the school on google, so the assembly hall, art dept so she can get a feel. I know the feeling that they can get lost is overwhelming.
• Look up stories in the local paper about what the school have been up to, will maybe also give an idea about the clubs at school.
• Set up a good sleep routine before school

Finally, you have to be captain of the ship. Your post is very anxious. For her to feel confident you have to project confidence and that you’re not worried. Try not to feed into the anxieties. It’s hard because you want them to be heard but often things can spiral. So keep positive and strong around her and don’t let talk of anxieties drag on.

At school, all the kids will be nervous and desperate to make friends. It sounds like she doesn’t have a problem making friends at all, so I wouldn’t worry. It’s about maintaining friendships which seems to be the issue, but working on her anxiety will be key to that issue

Talk about how much better it is that you can switch lessons and teachers. Maybe look at some of the subjects she might enjoy.
Talk about the food and how much more choice there is.
Card games are a good idea - also going to the library. Also remind her that almost everyone feels the same as her.

Thanks so much everyone. Twistybranch, you’re spot on, I have become more anxious myself about this because it has been really relentless the last week or so. But agreed it’s very important to project total confidence myself. I’m trying but last night was so bad it’s given me a real wobble. I will redouble my efforts on that front.

Great practical advice from you all thank you so much. She’s pretty good at conversation starters so we can try a few of those just to remind her how she can do that well.

ive tried a bit to remind her it’s also exciting as well as scary, talked about all the clubs, new subjects etc. Not had much effect yet!!! But I will try that again.

huge thanks to you all

Try to very get to focus on other people rather than herself - so talk to her about what advice she’d give other new year sevens who are nervous about starting - what would be the best things they could do to settle in quickly? And ask her what she would do to help other children she saw struggling in the first few days - how would she help them to have a good start to secondary school?

So rather than picturing herself being the vulnerable one in need of help and support, she can picture herself being the one who is able to give that out instead.

You could pair this with some problem-solving activities at home: show her the ingredients you’ve got and ask her to help you work out what to cook with them. Go on a train journey to a town you’ve never been before and both of you plan the journey and find your way round using Google maps rather than you leading and her following. Make her feel she’s got the tools to manage problems that arise.

Have you spoken to school about her anxieties?

Mine was in a similar position. I asked around for contacts (friends of friends) of mine with daughters starting at the same school and made an effort to have some outings / play dates with those other mums and their daughters even if we didn't know them very well. At least then there were some familiar faces on day one. Sounds like your DD has already taken this into her own hands which is great, but there might be some others you could meet up with together.

Ask her how she thinks others will be feeling, because chances are they'll also be nervous. Normalising it can help.

Oh and reminding her she CAN make friends, so get her to list what she thinks makes her a good friend. This should help to boost her confidence.

I wonder whether it might be helpful - instead of trying to stop her feeling anxious (it's very hard to stop a feeling!) instead you could model tolerating feeling that feeling.

So rather than tricks to make the feeling go away, more just sitting with it?

I was thinking if you try to give her loads of advice about how not to feel the feeling you are giving the message that the feeling is very dangerous and you need to find a way to stop feeling it.

Instead you could help her to feel the feeling and to sit with it and think about it. "I'm feeling anxious at the moment. That's ok. Feeling anxious isn't going to hurt me. I won't always be feeling like this".

And maybe some stories about when you feel anxious and how you did the thing despite the feeling.

That new things and the unknown does make us anxious. But if we are going to grow and be able to lead fuller lives and have rich experiences we have to learn to feel anxious but still to do the new thing.

And that she is not alone. There will be about 700,000 new year 7s in September. Every single one of them will be very nervous the night before.

Is going over constantly just fuelling her anxiety further.

Surely there comes a time where you just have to say you'll be fine we've talked about all this and change the subject.

I don't think indulging anxiety is necessarily helpful.

I think you have a good point, @HowIrresponsible . OP, you've prepared her as well as you can, she will have been reassured as much as possible. I think you just have to be a bit less focused on that now.

My daughter sounds a bit similar socially. She never rant great course friends in primary but at secondary she has the most wonderful bunch of friends. She's just found her people, a small group of 4. They are not the 'in' girls or the druggie girls or the picked on girls, just girls who work hard and enjoy it.

I would try not to keep going on about it or buy into her anxiety because that will reinforce it. I mean in terms of 'preparing' for friendships or talking about it a lot. If you're more laid back about it, hopefully she will be. Just be matter of fact: "I'm sure you'll make friends but it might take a bit of time, just be friendly and see where it goes." "It's normal to be anxious because there were some problems before, but this is a new group and you're starting without anyone knowing about any of that." "Just take one day at a time, give it time." Words of calming wisdom.

Please log on to the Childline website www.childline.org.uk

There is a special section for school worries, because your DD is far from alone in this. There are message boards for her to contact other young people feeling similar, which can help, and under the tool box section some really good ideas for distraction and for building a coping kit. Also get her to contact Childline: teach her she can look elsewhere and whilst she is talking to them, you get to sit down and breathe a bit more deeply too!

I have found with my dc that each stage of education has been better than the last. Sometimes people say 'oh my primary school days were the best days of my life' which if you already hate primary can be daunting. She might have been getting these messages through school/ friends / family. I would try to be positive that many people actually prefer secondary school to primary school and actually enjoy adult life too.

Perhaps discuss with her which clubs she will go to. This is perhaps the best way to find friends. Try to keep on the right side of teachers for the first half term. Even the strictest teacher, once they know you are not a troublemaker, will generally forgive the occasional transgression. Make sure she has spare essential stationery somewhere buried in her bag (multicoloured pen, pencil, ruler). Get her in the habit of sorting her bag out for the next day. Be positive she might really fly at secondary.

Everything the other posters have said, plus have you considered counselling for her? My anxious DD found it incredibly helpful when she went to secondary. She started during the summer and continued through Y7, tapering off towards the next summer. Her counsellor was quite scientific about it (as well as encouraging her to talk and identify her emotions) and taught her a lot about the teenage brain, which she found very helpful.

I understand that you want to ease her anxiety but also I think you need to be careful not to make it into a bigger thing that it has to be. It is a natural transition point that everyone has to do so possibly focus on that?
I would advise her not to join year group WhatsApp or give her phone number to everyone when she starts. Thete is a massive temptation to do that but she will avoid a lot of drama if she doesn't. DD is on the group so she knows what's happening but never comments on it, there has been some low level bullying and drama on there so she just sits back and watches without getting involved.

DD was the only person going to her secondary this time last year. By half term she had found a core group of like minded girls and they are now really good friends. Make your DD aware that the first term can be fluid with friendships and that she WILL find her people but it might take time.

The most important thing I've found is allow them to de-compress after school but also make some time every evening to just sit and chat. DD tells me pretty much everything and all the drama around 9pm as we are getting ready for bed 😆 so we get ready for bed together then she comes in our bed for 30 mins and gets everything off her chest. DH is banned from coming to bed until she has off loaded. I'm hoping we continue this as we've been able to work through some things together during this time.

I was a nervous wreck this time last year but honestly they do settle and they do find friends.

Also, secondary schools have every kind of child - she'll find some lovely, like minded friends.

My partner is on the spectrum has ocd. And gets anxious about new situations where he doesn't know what's going to happen. So Im well used to dealing with people with anxiety.

Once he asked me to explain the exact sequence of what happens when we go somewhere to do an activity that he's not done before and he doesn't know what the setup is. It was involving going to changing rooms. And he's not been in communal changing rooms before because of anxieties. Of course, after going through it, about 5 or 6 times leading up to it. We get there and the setups completely different to what I'm used to.

See, here's the thing life sucks, get a helmet. You can't always prepare for every eventuality. You can't prepare responses to questions. You re asked and prepare conversations because you don't know how it's going to go. Prepared conversations don't work because what if they don't respond the way you anticipate?

You can't always indulge anxiety. And you know people have to be prepared for the unknown: it is gonna happen a lot In life and it's best learning this starting in childhood. Or you end up like my partner.

I deliver workshops to yr6 about secondary school transition. Schools are great on the practical aspects of.kovimg up, but often do not address the emotional side.

We talk about the different aspects of school that can concern them. Having to be more organised because of all the different lessons, so how to start with a tick list so they don't get into trouble for forgetting stuff. How joining clubs they are interested in helps to make friends with similar interests so they have something to talk about. The journey to school - planning ahead and thinking about busses / walking routes. Coming up with strategies for what to do if something goes wrong - before it goes wrong! Eg working out which teachers they get along with so they know who to talk to if they have a problem.

Many children who are overwhelmed by the thought of secondary benefit from being able to think through the practical things they can do. So have a look at previous newsletters, see what the school focus on, see what clubs they might offer.

If you can understand what is worrying her, you can both think of ways to manage it together.

Don't dismiss her feelings, or tell her she has nothing to worry about. But acknowledge that you understand what she is feeling and support her to address those feelings.

You may find this thread helpful too.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/secondary/5128826-is-there-a-y7-2024-25-support-thread