Is there anything else I can do to help my DD who is incredibly anxious about starting secondary school?

[ShadesOfPemberley]

She has a history of anxiety so we are going through all her usual techniques, deep breathing, challenging the thoughts etc but mostly distraction as this is always the best way to get her out of the anxious groove she gets stuck in.

I did know this would happen but it’s really hard ☹️

She was bullied on two different occasions at primary, once in Y5 when her (toxic) friendship group turned on her and then very unhelpfully right at the end of Y6 when the two popular Mean Girls in her year singled her out. This is obviously adding a new edge to her old anxiety as her main worry about the new school is whether she will make any friends and whether they’ll be nice or not.

She is the only one from her old school
going to this school, deliberately tbh as (though she did have some lovely pals towards the end of Y6) there were too many years where she struggled socially at primary. Many others will be there as ‘solo’ pupils too, there are a few larger blocks from the same schools but plenty who aren’t.

She is pretty introverted but really likes (and needs!) a small group of friends. She’s not a loner at all and I worry that her anxiety is going to make her withdraw so much into herself that she will find it hard to respond to friendly kids, making a self fulfilling prophecy!

She has phone numbers of two girls she met at Induction event who she liked a lot and chatted to and she is going to meet at least one of them next week. I hope that will help.

But: apart from me helping her with her anxiety-reducing techniques, and telling her how confident I am in her, telling her everyone is feeling nervous too etc etc… is there ANYTHING else I can try??

We have run/practised her journey (which is pretty easy) but that’s not the main source of worry at all. It’s the unknown she is going into and to a certain extent there’s nothing that can be done about that! Is IS unknown, unknown for all of them, but for her who likes to control her anxiety with KNOWING what coming up (dealing with this aspect of her anxiety is always our battle, of course you can’t always KNOW what’s ahead!!!!) it’s pretty hard at the moment. And there are 3 more weeks to go!! ☹️

One trick that helped my daughter was to have some sweets (just a tube of mints) in her bag. Offering them around when stood in the dinner queue was a good conversation opener.

My DD isn’t particularly anxious as a rule, but the summer before secondary school she was like a different child. As someone above said, I found that the most helpful strategy was to almost say, “of course you’re anxious; why wouldn’t you be?!” I was clear that the feelings are normal and that every single other child will be feeling the same, even the really confident ones she assumes won’t be. You can’t switch off anxiety but you can acknowledge that it’s a reasonable response to a big life transition. Find strategies that work for her. Exercise, distraction, calming techniques. We also focused on the exciting parts e.g. shopping for new stationery. Lastly, be clear that you aren’t worried about it because you see this incredible mature girl in front of you who outgrew primary months ago and is so ready for a big new adventure. DH and I both felt worried as we’d never seen DD so anxious, but we managed to hide that from her. It’s tough to watch so be kind to yourself too.

Both my children went to a secondary with no one from their primary.

Ds2 is very quirky, a bit rigid really and managed to find and keep those same quirky friends all the way through to year 13! Even his head of year who goes through with them from year 7-11 said they are the only group who hasn't fallen out or moved onto other friends. In the first week at school Ds2 said he spent breaks just walking around to have something to do, after a week one boy said I always see you walking around, Ds said I don't know anyone here, that was the start of that friendship.

Remember that children coming from a class of 30 are excited to meet new people, they have probably had a narrow group of children to choose from over the last few years and everyone is nervous.

Schools actively seek to get children to make new friends, in fact the school my sons went to deliberately break up primary groups on a team building day (in a local forest, building dens, working together) and they also spend the first day with a map of the school walking round getting familiar with the layout and where classrooms are in different blocks, ie the music block is away from other classrooms for obvious reasons. So they work in pairs or groups of 3 or 4 as part of their form.

The form group will move as one to their next lesson. Ds1 just attached himself to the boy he sat next to in form, got chatting and they were friends for years. He ended up friends with his friends and they still get together and they are 21.

I agree a packet of mints or looking at lunch time clubs to find people who like the same things is a good idea, in fact there is a lot of great advice on this thread.

Hopefully plenty of opportunities - teachers will use seating plans so she’ll be with different people and not have to find her own seat. There’ll be an extra curricular timetable issued early on so go through it and see what she enjoys.

remind her that meeting people can be quick and making friends can take time - that might take some pressure off?
Lots of friendships are fluid in year 7-8 and it’s ok to ‘try’ people

Dependent on the school , the form group may or may not move as one to next lesson.
Schools moved to this more in covid, but in pre covid times DD was immediately set for maths, and had mixed tutor groups for at least some subjects.

While I agree about not feeding into anxieties, and trying to project confidence - my approach was also to be honest that the first couple of weeks WILL be hard, as they are for anyone starting a new environment. And finding them hard doesn’t mean failure. Grit teeth and get through the first couple of weeks with as positive a mindset as possible, and it will get easier quickly.
My DS really struggled in the first week or two, lots of tears in the mornings (he has autism and found the new big school environment really overwhelming). But after a couple of weeks, and finding some extra curricular activities he enjoyed, it all improved massively.