Dd is so angry at me, just need a vent until she calms down

[Messedupnowddismad]

Dd is 15, autistic, and really struggles with change, had had to come to terms with becoming physically disabled over the last couple of years as well.

She is only part time at school, struggles with maintaining her hygiene, and struggles if she doesn't have personal space.

She went out for the first time in the holidays today to her friend house for a couple of hours.

Her room was a state, and has been for a while, I've asked her to clean it, offered to help, tried everything I could, but it hasn't been touched. So I tidied it while she was out.

She is raging, I knew she would be. Anything that looked private I put in a box for her to sort through, I kept things as close as I possibly could, but just gave it a good going over.

This will pass, I know it will, its just so hard when she's upstairs crying because things have moved and she's barely talking to me.

Both of us are struggling with coming to terms with her disability, her autism, how these things present, and how things need to happen even if they make her uncomfortable sometimes.

I know there's no advice to be had, I guess I just need to vent.

I used to do the same with ds's room, you've done nothing wrong, you can't have her room in a state and it doesn't do anyone any good to sleep in a room that isn't tidy. It'll pass x

When she’s calmed down, you could say that you now understand how much this distresses her, but you’ll need to come to an agreement on how her room can be kept clean enough not to attract mice. Perhaps if she understands why it’s important, she might be able to get her head around it.

She had therapy for her anxiety, which has helped a bit, but she's had all she is entitled to for the moment.

She won't turn violent, she internalises things, and just shuts down. I know uts what she needs to do to process things, it's just hard being on this side of it.

Sometimes it just has to be cleaned. You did a good kind thing and you won’t get any thanks but I would make you a large drink and give you a hug. Well done. She can’t help being upset, but it was still the right thing.

I usually go in daily and do tiny things to keep on top of it, but the holidays mean I haven't been able to for the last 6 weeks.

It does pass, just this bit it tough.

A conversation is definitely in order, she will likely be OK by Monday, hopefully she will feel a bit better with a tidy room and she will have a chat and come to an agreement about it.

She's just been through so much, I feel guilty putting her through more, even though it's for her own good.

A large drink sounds amazing right now. 5pm is OK for that right?

Unfortunately not, I've had to give up work a couple of years back to care for her, so money is very tight.

She gets disability payments, but that money is used to support her physical needs so there's none left for therapy at the moment. Maybe in around 6 months or so, with any luck.

Just leave her be and she will come around
Hygiene is important Your being a good mum. Not everything can go her way.

I think honestly at that age if it upsets her you shouldn’t go in there. I have 15 year old autistic child, also recently disabled. I think these things need to be done through consent, part of what you need to teach her is about having healthy boundaries and she’s being really clear that she finds this intrusive. It’s a lot more work/takes the patience of a fucking saint and takes longer but if you can get her to actually want to have a clean room, you will get much further in the long run and it won’t damage your relationship.

Maybe write a wee note and explain why you had to clean it and that you understand that her autism means that this is very upsetting to her.

Explain that as a mother the reason why you have to keep things clean for her include:

• hygiene reasons. Impetigo etc if sheets weren’t washed etc
• That the best thing for anxiety is to have clear and tidy room
• A tidy room helps prop more sleep which is healthy for everyone
• That she deserves to have a clean space of her own but you understand she isn’t always capable of achieving that, so you need to support her
• That it shows respect for herself and your house
• That you respected her privacy and didn’t open any diaries etc

State in the wee note that moving on, every month you will have a tidy to keep on top of things and you will provide a box for her to put things in that she knows you won’t touch.

Also state that you will be putting a bin (think kitchen sized bin) in her room that will be emptied by you every 3 days. She can keep it closer to the door if she doesn’t want you in the room.

Finally explain that as a mother supporting a child with autism, sometimes it means acting in her best interests even though it might be upsetting to her. This is one of these occasions.

Just leave her to it, you know she will come around OP but at least you’ve explained yourself.

In my opinion you shouldn’t have done it, especially when she went out. Might she now conclude that it’s not safe for her to leave home? Does she think you’ve broken her trust?

I totally understand why you did it, but I think it was a mistake and you possibly owe her an apology.

Perhaps you can use it as a way in to her (with your help) maintaining her room a bit herself.

@Apolloneuro I disagree. As her Mum OP has a duty to make sure things are reasonably clean , especially when her daughter struggles to maintain her own hygiene. Although it’s distressing for her daughter, she cant maintain an environment that never gets disturbed. Part of the challenge of raising a child with autism is navigating them through the things they cant control.

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Get a bin like this, order some cool stickers from Etsy to decorate the outside of it and she can keep it next to her door.

I think that’s her private space and you’ve done wrong by going in and disrupting it. If it was dirty then you should have worked on it with her but at that age when she’s struggling so much then you should leave her to have her own private space away from the world. She can’t trust you now.

I see your point but I think it was a mistake to do it when the young person was out, behind her back. It will have been very upsetting for her to come back to her things being touched, although I can totally see why the OP did it.

Has there been a social care assessment? If not, I suggest you ask for one immediately, citing section 17 Children Act 1989. It might help at least with respite care, and someone to go out with her to local activities etc.

This is a wonderful idea. I second this approach.

My autistic DH responds much better to written information. It gives him time to process what I've said without the need to respond to me immediately.

I use this method to have all sorts of "difficult" conversations. It's revolutionised our relationship!

Also, just want to say hang on in there OP! You're doing your best in a difficult situation. 🌻

Just sending a virtual gin and tonic and a 'hang in there' from another mum who's been through the same.

I understand - I have several autistic kids - you invaded her safe space, her very own space. She's autistic! I'm sorry but I'm not surprised she's raging and that's without the total autistic overwhelm! You should apologise imo and in future leave her room alone!

Thanks all.

I've tried everything for weeks to get her to clean. If it was just a bit of mess it would have been OK, but it was so much worse than that so I needed to do something. I begged and pleaded, tried bribery, talking, ignoring, telling her we could just do 5 minutes a day, literally every plan I could think of I tried and failed.

I haven't done it the ideal way, but I was coming to the end of my tether with it.

Things were beginning to smell, and she is back to school soon, albeit very part time, and I can't having her going in with stinky clothes.

She has had an assessment, and there are funds for respite, but there's no respite care available unfortunately.

A nite is a good idea, I've ordered her favourite food so I'll give it to her with a little note.

She will definitely calm down, her reaction isn't her fault, I did what needed doing, nobody is wrong here, it's just hard to see her upset like that over something I did, even if its for the greater good.

Would you really leave your kid in a filthy, smelly room?