Dd is so angry at me, just need a vent until she calms down

[Messedupnowddismad]

Dd is 15, autistic, and really struggles with change, had had to come to terms with becoming physically disabled over the last couple of years as well.

She is only part time at school, struggles with maintaining her hygiene, and struggles if she doesn't have personal space.

She went out for the first time in the holidays today to her friend house for a couple of hours.

Her room was a state, and has been for a while, I've asked her to clean it, offered to help, tried everything I could, but it hasn't been touched. So I tidied it while she was out.

She is raging, I knew she would be. Anything that looked private I put in a box for her to sort through, I kept things as close as I possibly could, but just gave it a good going over.

This will pass, I know it will, its just so hard when she's upstairs crying because things have moved and she's barely talking to me.

Both of us are struggling with coming to terms with her disability, her autism, how these things present, and how things need to happen even if they make her uncomfortable sometimes.

I know there's no advice to be had, I guess I just need to vent.

I agree with @Donotneedit I’m having similar battles with my 17 year autistic dd who has her own room plus en-suite bathroom. She hates people coming into her room when she’s not there and I’ve had to nag her to let me in to clean (and she won’t clean it herself currently). I’ve been trying to set boundaries for cleaning from a hygiene point of view. Giving her a choice of times, promising I won’t touch private stuff etc. This all erupted a few weeks ago, I told her unless she gave me a time I would be going in to clean at 5.30pm. I did this, she missed the WhatsApp message until I was in there, she burst in and went absolutely mad. I realised at that point that having a clean bathroom was not worth the pay off and I started to see things from her point of view. If having privacy and not having people in her room is so important to her and I’m not recognising that, then she has to fight. By not insisting on it, I’m respecting her and removing the fight. We haven’t spoken about it since but I’m planning on saying to her - if you want your bathroom cleaned, let me know. Massively reducing the pressure on her.

You know, I'm not autistic and I don't struggle with change, but when I was a teenager I remember throwing a strop when my mum tidied up my room when I was out (after she'd asked me about a thousand times over the previous three months to do it myself and I hadn't). Looking back now, I really don't know what my bloody problem was other than that I was a teenager in a foul mood.

I completely understand why you need a vent! Teens can be awful. And obviously your daughter does have some additional challenges which must make things really hard for both of you. But I promise you, a neurotypical teenager with no disabilities or mental health issues could be just as horrid over something like this, and your DD will definitely look back on this one day and think 'Christ, I was AWFUL.'

This happened to us a few months ago, similar background to your dd. My dd said her room reflected her mood and she let it get BAD. She also hates me going in so I respected that. What worked in the end was me going to home bargains and getting her a selection of her own nice smelling cleaning products, air fresheners, a new plant and bedsheets. I just gave her the bag and said I got her a few things she might like. Off she went and did a 4 hour cleaning shift in there. She's kept it nicer ever since, oddly. I find if you're patient these things pass, it's frustrating and hard though OP! I long for easier times 😏

I'm so sorry OP. Venting here is a good way to try to cope when there are no easy solutions - this kind of thing can be very lonely.
Second the idea of a favourite food... That's one of the few things that can bring my ND child 'back'. Best of luck.

Maybe tell her the positives- friends round, better for her MH etc.

Is her room actually dirty/health hazard or just messy?

Can she find stuff in there with some order/method to the chaos or do you have to step in and help?

She doesn't really have friends, there's one girl she met at a group she attends, dd will go to her house for a couple of hours once every month or 2, but she hates going out, she finds it really overwhelming and she wouldn't tolerate anyone over here either. She games and chats through that though.

Her room was health hazard messy, not just a bit of a dumping ground, if it was just a bit messy I would have left it.

I've ordered a laundry basket and a bin for her room, and some extra storage as well now, thanks for the idea.

She has eaten and just come and thanked me, so I think she's talking to me again.

It's so difficult, with my older dc I could understand how they felt over things, but I'm not autistic so I'll never truly understand dd in the same way. I read lots and listen, and watch things, but I'll never truly get it, which is tough for me, but unimaginable for dd.

Thanks all.

Sometimes there are no real solutions, so thanks for the understanding 💐

I would have taken out anything mouldy and causing a smell, but apart from that I would leave it alone. My DC rooms are a mess (as is mine! ) and as long as they don’t stink, attract flies or rodents, and I don’t have to see it (doors closed) then I leave them to it.
I’ve always been messy (still am) but clean. My mum used to nag me to tidy my room when I was a teen, which I always resented,