Overweight child. Help me set boundaries.

[Feckinlego]

Struggling in general with setting boundaries for dd. She's 11 and getting quite heavy. Given a chance she would sit and eat carbs all evening and has a very sweet tooth. Generally fussy around food, doesn't like vegetables or spicy food. To my shame she has more or less been allowed to dictate what she eats. I went down a rabbit hole reading about intuitive eating and got so scared of eating disorders etc that I didn't want to shame her about her appetite or hunger. But she's getting bigger and I need to do something. So what rules/boundaries are in your house around food? Particularly interested to hear if anyone has been successful in my situation.
Please be kind.

Brilliant helpful advice here. I've done a lot of the things suggested but have just never stuck to them. I admit I have big difficulties around setting rules and this is having a negative effect on her so I'm working hard to change.
Dinners are always healthy with lots of vegetables but her breakfasts and lunches are terrible, dry cereal/toast/smoothies, lunch a toasties or supernoodles type things. Lots of room for improvement I just struggle to know where to start with her.
Thank you all for your input I've made a list of all your tips.

I think it’s easy to fall into the trap of snacking/drinking too much during school holidays and that a lot of it is boredom.
It sounds like she doesn’t go to the shops on her own yet which is good because it means you control the snacks and calorific food in the house.
My kids drive me mad with food and snack requests during the holidays so I did snack at the same time as school days - 10:30 (break)and 3:30 (after school) They could drink water when they wanted but food was at meal times and snack times only.

Get rid of all junk food. She will crave the sugar when it’s eliminated so you will face a battle at some point. Make your own ice lollies and put them in the freezer.
Put her on the keto diet, she will probably crave carbs too, take her out everyday cycling/walks/ badminton in park.

We've only ever had 1 meal for whole family. Kids can eat as much/little as they want, and leave parts they don't like, but there's no alternatives given. As they've got older, we meal plan together so they have input in what meals we have. Dessert in the week is only fruit and plain yoghurt, we do have a sweet dessert at the weekend. We never talk about weight or body size, we do talk about being healthy and active, and how healthy food is good for your body. We really try and limit snacks, if necessary it'll be veg sticks and houmous, oatcakes, breadsticks. But it's important to learn that being hungry in the time close to a meal is normal, I think we are all too scared of being hungry nowadays.

As someone who has had to work quite hard on this for both of my children, I can tell you that things always improve when I manage to enforce balance. The problem is not pasta or bread or smoothies. the problem is these things in the wrong ratios and with a lack of diversity.

In your case, it does rather sound like she's just not eating enough protein. The result is that she's hungry all the time, and consuming easy carbs instead. So I would prioritise this. What proteins will she eat? If, for example, she likes chicken, then go ahead and have chicken 5 times a week to start and serve with an appropriate portion of carbs alongside as well as a generous portion of whatever vegetables she actually likes to eat. DD tends to default to chips or pasta so I will compromise with things like little mini roast potatoes that I make in the air fryer or possibly carbs in the form of an air fryer yorkshire pudding - just to keep up the variety of foods. She does like spaghetti bologniase or meatballs so that helps and also allows me to shove a lot more variety of vegetables in there as well.

For breakfasts, I'm a big believer in things like homemade waffles or pancakes, or scrambled/boiled eggs on toast. These are not high protein meals, but do have some, and are much less processed and tend to be more filling. I even allow DD to have her waffles with a small amount of chocolate sauce. I like to serve these with a small portion of smoothie or some watered down juice. Lunch always includes some fresh fruit alongside whatever she's having - dodgy hotdog? "Here's some lovely strawberries and blackberries to eat after darling." If you can swap to wholewheat bread, great, but don't get hung up on that in the first instance - rather prioritise getting the increased variety and a better ratio of whatever she's eating.

Find alternatives to toast for snacks. Bread and baked goods are the worst when it comes to putting on weight.
Try something like a plain yoghurt with a tablespoon or two if muesli or granola and some fruit.
A boiled egg
Sliced apple or any other fruit and some nuts
Ryvita or a couple of crackers with hummus. Some carrot and cucumber sticks too.

Make sure she drinks enough water.

Get her onboard with healthy eating. Tell her she's growing up and needs vitamins and protein to have a good healthy strong body, along with some activity.

Show her the nhs eat well guide and get her to pick what 5 fruit and veg she wants to eat a day, what protein and what carbs etc

Is she having wholemeal bread/toast/pasta/rice? It'll fill her up a lot more, keep her full for longer and be healthier.

I was an overweight child.

I was bored a lot of the time. I had interests that involved sitting a lot.

There were a lot of snacks at home, and my mum didn't have a ton of money but could justify spending money on snacks to make me happy, as food is an "essential."

I also always responded overly positively to snacks, so that gave her an unintentional incentive to provide more.

I would get rid of all the snacks immediately. Not just leaving a few bags of crisps or ice creams, get rid of all of them. Have things like jelly and fruit/veg sticks.

Have other things in place to get pleasure from, a planned day out that you talk about in advance, non-food things like books or movies or whatever she likes.

My mum made no effort to change anything, she just shamed me for being fat.

It's brown bread but white pasta and rice. Because I was trying to make less of a fuss about her being fussy I started to give her pasta with cheese and spinach when she didn't like what we were having. Now she wants that every day! Sometimes it's easier not to argue.
She has been bullied last year at school so I've been lenient and she's definitely worsened her habits because of it.
I need to sit down with her to talk about food but when I've broached it in the past she thinks I'm calling her fat and gets upset. I have NEVER used that word around her but she knows she is and has been called it by those mean girls.
She is in a swim club and does martial arts once a week but I 100% need to encourage more exercise.

Hi Op,

I'm writing to you as a chubby kid who has turned into a super morbidly obese adult.

Whatever you do do not let her know what your doing. The changes should be subtle and at the very least appear to apply to the whole family, especially if you have other children. Never mention her weight Infront of others, even if you think she isn't listening.

I was acutely aware I was fat from age 6 when my mum took me to the dietician and we started dieting. I have been on a diet for 24 years.

Make sure she doesn't think the thing that makes you happiest is her losing weight. That's how it was in my life and it has had wide and long lasting effects.

You can pull this back for her but just remember she is a child and it isn't her fault.

I definitely have too many treats in the house, and she does have to ask, but the asking is so frequent I forget what she's had

Why do you have snacks/treats in the house? I never kept any in the house when I had kids or after. It didn’t mean my kids ran riot when they did get access to those foods, if anything they were a lot more sensible at parties than other kids, for example they would just have a handful of chips and a couple of lollies rather than keep at it all like some kids did (they were never restricted at parties and I always told them they could have whatever they wanted and however much they wanted at parties as it was ‘party food’). Then when teens and adults they didn’t get these things as regular items or develop any eating disorders or eat in secret. They all get something now again that I see in the cupboard but it’s only now and again, none of them get any ‘treat/snack’ foods regularly.

She's just had a baguette with chicken and cheese for lunch, a fairly large one. She now wants another one! I've given her some watermelon and she's happy but ordinarily I'd let her have another so as not to restrict her, I was allowing her to dictate her appetite/ wants etc so as not to cause her shame. I've gone about this the wrong way completely 😫. But I'll learn and I'll fix it. I don't want her physically unhealthy but I also don't want her mentally and emotionally unhealthy.

Offer her some tomatoes, Cucumber, Carrot and pepper sticks

Saying No is fine as long as you are confident she is getting enough calories.

"No I only bought enough for one roll a day but you can have X,Y, Z instead"

Or, "No, that's enough for lunch, dinner will be at X o clock let's go for a walk / help me in the garden / go to the park" if you think it's boredom instead or that she needs to up her physical activity.

Or "No, but could you make up a salad for tonight's dinner and you can have some cucumber, tomatoes etc" and get her more involved in food prep

I have this problem with my 11yr old op.
We don't buy sweets / biscuits etc
We cook food every day.
DS knows how to cook and will bake cookies himself!
He also has pocket money which he spends on junk.
I'm focusing on encouraging exercise and talk to him about health.
He'll happily eat chicken, salad, homous, rice, etc... then wants sweet stuff too.
It's hard.

My DD is very similar though only 8. An absolute fiend for carbs, constantly claiming to be hungry and getting upset/crying if she doesn’t eat. She’s not overweight her but headed that way.

How big is the baguette?

Has she always been overweight? Girls can gain weight at puberty and their appetite will increase. This is normal. However yoh are doing the right thing keeping an eye on her and her diet.

This.

Everything else is down to this.

YOUR dietary choices affect hers. If you aren't prepared to give up the excessive carbs and sweet treats how can she?

If it's not available she can't eat it.

Stop making it about her. She's 11.

Parent properly.

100% I need to parent properly, it's knowing how to go about it without causing her damage is my dilemma which is why I'm here and I've had some really good insights and advice.

I don't eat much carbs or treats myself but buy it for others. I've fallen into the trap of indulging my dc but she is the only one who can't control it which is why I need to figure out a gentle kind way to do it for her.
I've got so bogged down with doing the right thing I can't be objective anymore. I know a lot of the advice here is common sense but actually is exactly what I need to hear so thank you all.

I think the best thing to do OP is model a health lifestyle & diet, have the whole family following this. It doesn’t have to be a strict “diet” or about good food vs bad food, it’s all just food. Some food helps us grow stronger, some food is for fun etc. good luck x

Honestly, kind boundaries on food is not going to instantly trigger an eating disorder. Eating disorders normally occur in people with other MH issues, suffered trauma, are ND but perhaps undiagnosed.

Involve her in making the food if she wants it so instead of buying biscuits or chocolate bars she can make a tray bake at the weekend.

If she likes bread, she can make rolls

Making the food will teach skills and increase physical activity.

But simply saying "No, not now" is not going to trigger anything in an otherwise happy and healthy child

I think you need to reset the whole family. Just don't buy any processed or sugary stuff. It's going to be very hard as during puberty girls and sometimes boys crave junk food. I just "rode the wave" wit my dd and never shamed her but she was very slim . The trouble with restricting junk is she will crave it more. As a fat person my cravings do diminish when I eat more protein. So I'd stuff her with protein. Maybe next time a smaller roll but double the amount of chicken. You're lucky you're still in charge of buying the food. Next summer she could well be off to the shops with her friends. You're in charge just don't buy it then she can't eat it. But the whole family will have to change otherwise it's not fair . Poor kid I feel for her

If she's hungry she can have more chicken or egg or whatever protein she will eat rather than carbs I think that will
Help her and try to cut sugar out of everyday things she eats