What is life like if you *don’t* have (inattentive?) ADHD?

[Ducal]

Sometimes there’ll be a thread where someone says thinks they might have ADHD and runs down a list of symptoms and a lot of people come on and say yes, that sounds like me, I think I have it too.

But I’d like to hear from people who definitely don’t think they have ADHD and how they manage life in general, to see if there’s something I’m missing, iyswim?

So, please could you tell me how you deal with:

• a long and repetitive task?
• a boring meeting?
• a big and complex task that you don’t really know how to get going with?
• knowing what someone’s going to say before they’re half way through the sentence - are you able to maintain natural responses, eg. surprise or laughter or concern, when you can’t express them at the moment you feel them because that would interrupt the speaker?

I feel like most of these, boring meetings/boring tasks, are things that most people struggle with? I’m just particularly bad at them, like a character trait/flaw, rather than an actual disorder?

The natural responses thing might just be a me thing and nothing to do with ADHD.

Interesting thread! So I don't have ADHD but do have lots of autistic traits, unsure if I'll meet diagnostic threshold but awaiting assessment...

Long and repetitive: love shit like this! Honestly! Put a podcast on and settle in. Would probably get really into it.

Boring meeting: I'd be bored. Would probably have to stop mind wandering. But it would be fine. If I didn't really have to contribute much I'd probably enjoy the rest.

Big and complex task: do often feel very anxious about this sort of thing. Would put it off. Then deep breaths, chip away until I found a 'way in' and then would probably find it absorbing as long as I had time and space to stay calm and focus (frustration would be biggest issue).

Knowing what someone's going to say: instinct is to interrupt. Might do this if I'm excited by the conversation. Otherwise will be trying to look like I'm listening and thinking too hard about what my face is doing!

• long and repetitive task - play music while doing it or listen to a podcast, or make a game of it in my head, with little reward points , or just get into the rhythm, depending what it is. Don’t really struggle with this or the next one. I don’t get bored easily.
• Boring meeting - doodle. Make notes. Take what I can from it.
• Big and complex task that I don’t know where to start on - now this would panic me a bit. I used to be better at that kind of thing but now it worries me that whatever I start doing will be the wrong thing.If possible I would get others involved and ask their opinions. I’d do some research as to where would be best to start but risk the research becoming a procrastination.
• Knowing what someone is going to say - it’s hard to think what I do to be honest, it’s not on my radar as an issue. I don’t think I would try to suppress surprise or laughter whatever, it wouldn’t really occur to me to do that. It’s just the natural flow,of a conversation.

I find many non afhd people think or say 'yes but we all find boring tasks difficult' or 'we all struggle to concentrate if someone is droning on and on'

But it's like saying to someone with chronic depression 'but we all feel down sometimes'

This is off thread but I just wanted to put it out there.

a long and repetitive task? - procrastinate, take loads of breaks, more procrastination, eventually slog my way through it.

A boring meeting? Daydream, pretend to pay attention, realise I don't have a clue what is being said so tell myself that I have to listen then swiftly day dream again, repeat until over.

a big and complex task that you don’t really know how to get going with?

Procrastinate, Google a lot in case Google can help, procrastinate, eventually pick a place to start and slog through it.

knowing what someone’s going to say before they’re half way through the sentence

Smile/nod/whatever is appropriate until they are done talking then give the appropriate response. It does depend on the person though, someone close to me I'd probably interrupt along the way, someone not close/work related act like I know I'm supposed to.

“Boring meeting: I'd be bored. Would probably have to stop mind wandering. But it would be fine. If I didn't really have to contribute much I'd probably enjoy the rest.”

This is interesting - what does ‘bored’ feel like to you? If I’m in a boring meeting where I don’t have anything to contribute I actively send my mind wandering so I don’t fall asleep or I end up really uncomfortable/angry about how long it’s all taking.

My wife has an internal clock. She really can sense the passage of time in an accurate way. It absolutely blows my mind. If I'm absorbed in something, hours could fly by without me noticing. I have to work very, very hard to not be chronically late.

I think this is an interesting thread too! Weirdly, a couple of my friends think I have adhd (from tik tok - the classic) but I think on balance I don’t. I do have strategies for some of these situations though

• long and repetitive task: don’t actually have many of these to do at work but at home I have to make a mental list of how long each aspect of it actually takes, ie. Mopping floors, have to give myself a pep talk about - filling bucket takes one min, moving rug takes one min, sweeping takes 5 mins etc. as in I really have to break it down into component tasks to convince myself I can manage it and have a realistic timeframe, not quite sure if that counts as handling a repetitive task, I guess I just don’t have that many.
• boring meeting: have a hair band that I snap against my wrist. Basically any kind of adult fidget toy, if I’m off camera I will also self soothe by playing with my hair
• big complex task: realistically I put these off as much as possible but the key to actually doing it is enlisting help, many complex tasks I will just not do left to my own devices and actually I think that’s fine and normal, eg. planning a home is really hard and you need help
• Natural responses: tricky! I have to actively manage those and have essentially learnt to regulate my responses, this is hard to do if I’m angry

Definitely no ADHD here. And the items you've listed is a basic description of my day job 😂

Long and repetitive task: break it down into chunks, most people can't concentrate well for more than 40mins anyway and performance declines so I just break up tasks into chunks.

Boring meeting. I take notes to keep myself paying attention. If I'm attending a meeting that really isn't relevant to me I will write a to do list or shopping list, but only if I'm confident I won't be called on to contribute. If it's an online meeting and I don't have to have my camera on I'll set up me laptop in front of my exercise bike and cycle away, or I'll tidy up my office out do some cleaning while listening.

Big and complex task. More or less the same as the first scenario, but first job is to break it up into it's component parts and decide in what order I'll do them and if some can be delegated. I don't put things off or procrastinate, no time for that and I'd rather get stuff over and done sooner rather than later.

Knowing what someone is going to say isn't something that happens a lot to me, but when it does I just listen politely. Actively listen, not yet to think of what I want to say in response. Listen, pause, respond.

I don't really experience boredom, I mean, I can recognise when something isn't particularly relevant, so then I just do something else, so I'm always occupied. I'm really bad at multitasking, I do have to give a task full attention or my mind wanderers onto other stuff, but I do find it pretty easy to focus on the stuff that I've got to do.

Thanks for all the responses, very interesting!

I don't have ADHD, I honestly would just get on with stuff.

A long repetitive task... its my job, I'd just do it. Be in the moment.

A boring meeting... would try to contribute, would hope I'd be there for that reason.

A big task, don't know where to start... I'd ask for guidance from whoever, then get on with it.

Knowing what someone is going to say... I'd simply listen anyway.

Sounds like lots of people have a tough time, spending their lives procrastinating or on edge. That's hard.

Long repetitive task - if it's something I do often , my body carry out the actions without me activily thinking about what I'm doing. My mind will wander

Boring meeting- I will need to make myself pay attention or else I start thinking about other things

Big , complex task you don't want to do - procrastination and leave it until the last minute. Deadlines are a great motivater.

I try to let people say their piece without me predicting what they might say.

However, I usually tick many of the traits of adhd boxes , on social media and such, but I don't suspect I have it at all.

Also if it was a really boring meeting that I realised I really didn’t need to be in/is running late/is not covering the agenda, I leave the meeting, even in person. I also get the discomfort/anger about things taking ages and when I worked in a school as a TA I had no compunction about standing up in the middle of the school hall, making everyone move so I could get out (lecture hall style seating) and leaving whenever a briefing went past the allocated time and when I was no longer getting paid. Regardless of if they had got round to the bit I needed to be there for. I learnt to do this because they would absolutely take the piss and go over by 45 mins every week. Zero comeback from leaving and once all the TAs started doing it they kept to time much better. I physically couldn’t sit there without feeling that bodily discomfort though.

Hmm, I'd say to me boredom feels a bit frustrating although generally not anger-inducing, unless I was really really stressed about other things I had to get done that day. I'd say my mind might naturally wander but I'd be trying to bring it back to the meeting and find something interesting in it, rather than actively encouraging my mind to wander. Hope that makes sense!

Repetitive task - depends what the task is.

Some are mentally hard despite being repetitive (eg doing scales and listening for errors to try to connect). If very boring I eat chocolate at regular intervals (5 exam questions equals one wispa).

Boring meeting - keep listening but switch most of my attention internally to problems I need to solve/things I need to think about. I got good at this during school - I can pretty much listen to what people are saying and play back the last few minutes while still thinking inside. Helps if I have paper. Often as a maths teacher I write questions or plan lessons or write shopping lists in my head.

Big and complex task - I would start by researching it and making an initial plan. So for example I had to implement a new curriculum in my department. I started with an initial plan in word that got updated on a weekly basis as I saw what worked and also developed my reading, I wound up with multiple excel spreadsheets as I did hit the point it was hard to keep it in my head.

I don't have ADHD.

Long and repetitive task. I'd give myself regular short breaks. I might spend my time "off" MNing or similar.

A boring meeting. I do find my mind wandering.

A big and complex task. I'd be quite good at just getting on with it. Probably better than the boring task!

I do have a tendency to interrupt but I try really hard not to.

• a long and repetitive task?

It would take me a while to get going but once I’ve started I can keep going until I’ve finished as long as I was physically comfortable. I wouldn’t want to have music or tv on as it would distract me.

• a boring meeting?

I take a lot of notes and also use the time for planning other work. I also like to people watch.

• a big and complex task that you don’t really know how to get going with?

Again I’d put this off until the absolute last minute but I’d be conscious that my brain would be mulling it over in the background. I’d start with straightforward stuff and mapping out a structure and then jump around quite a bit. I’d be holding the overall work/solution/output in my mind the whole time though.

• knowing what someone’s going to say before they’re half way through the sentence - are you able to maintain natural responses, eg. surprise or laughter or concern, when you can’t express them at the moment you feel them because that would interrupt the speaker?

I can wait until they’ve finished…..most of the time. Sometimes though it’s impossible not to interrupt with ‘oh so can guess where this is going!’ I have to reign this instinct in!

Long & repetitive task... put it off for as long as I can, eventually get started at the last minute, after finding lots of other stuff that needs doing first

A boring meeting... mind wanders a lot. Keep trying to pull myself back in case I get asked something & haven't a clue what's going on.

Big & complex task ... get out my excel, make a RAG document, details down tasks on one column, date due, completed etc. highlight red anything behind schedule, orange anything I've started on/on track but not completed, & green when I complete it. Go hell for leather at it, but start to loose interest just before completion.

Knowing what someone is going to say ... this is where I really struggle.. as soon as I figure what they are going to say, I start thinking of something similar that's happened me, & then fight with myself not to interrupt & tell my story. Sometimes do it without realising I've done it. I've become very conscious of it in the past year & really have to fight myself not to tell my story. I previously always felt telling my similar story showed how invested I was, could relate to what they were talking about. But now I realise it steals their thunder & looks like I'm trying to one-up them. It's a real conflict in my brain to keep my mouth closed.

I've no neurodiversity diagnosed, but have been thinking a lot lately that I should get assessed. My son has a genetic condition with lots of connected neurodiverse & is awaiting adhd & asd assessment. The more I read about it the more I think I possibly have adhd/asd too.

I definitely do have inattentive ADHD - diagnosed.

Long and repetitive task - if it's both long and repetitive I'm going to feel quite painful about doing it, I'll tell myself things like I will feel better when I've done it, once you get going it'll be fine, this is something I have learned /trained myself into from a degree and work. I'll have to have some kind of background noise. Those would be my key things before I even think about how I am going to do it. In the past I would hyperfocus for 3 hours and not eat drink or stop. From years of experience, yes took me years to learn, maybe 10 years, this is counter productive because I'm then spent afterwards. Short bursts are better.

Boring meeting - like others doodle, seems to be socially acceptable. I also now have fidget toys and a standing desk.

Big complex task - I've learned from experience to plan backwards from the deadline and break it into small steps, but that's really for things I know how to do. A small step might be find x out.

One thing I'm not great at, and this is extremely common with neurodivergent folk , is asking for help. I feel I either need to understand it all anyway in order to make any sense in what I am asking for help with in which case I've done the bloody thing myself!

Or I get a mental block - I learned in coaching this is often due to lack of clarity so it's about asking the right questions to get clarity. I suppose I always feel the problem is me - I am deficient in some way for not knowing the answer because I should or because everyone else seems to know.

Also I suppose the reality is that even if you ask questions you still have to do it yourself anyway, but with the added stress of having to make sense of someone else's explanation or interpretation of the problem, minus the fun of figuring out a solution for yourself.

But not asking for help delays things so I need to get better at the how and when.

Long and boring task....
Do a bit every day and keep chipping away at it. Start with the first action, then the next, then the next. If it's really arduous I sometimes set a timer to keep me on track for a set amount of time.

Consistency is key.

Exactly!!!!

It's the amount of difficulties you have and the impact it has on your life that makes it a challenge.

Boring meeting? Yes I expect everyone gets bored, doodles, zones out and dreams about what they are having for dinner.
Watching an exciting/interesting play/film I do all of the above. I have to use my entire consciousness not to jump up and do something after 40mins. I hate it.

It's very belittling to constantly hear that the diagnosed disability is not that impactful. We have the diagnosis because of the impact it has in our lives.

Ok, so you’ve washed the laundry, dried the laundry. How to you get yourself to put it away? Because I’m fed up with it by then, the last bit of it is the hardest. I might start to put it away but then it will just sit on my bed in folded piles.

Also how do normal people leave the house with everything they need?

all of my keys have AirTags on them so I can find them. I’m constantly calling my phone to find it and frequently ripping the house apart to find my handbag.

I can usually only ever find one of a pair of shoes.

I have been diagnosed with inattentive ADHD so I hope you don’t mind me answering your questions!

Long and repetitive task - watch Tv, listen to podcast, or listen to music. If I can't do this, I will start by fidgeting and will need to take a walk to the loo or get water etc. Often during this time I would forget about the task and find myself a little later doing something completely different. If I'm forced to stay in the same place, I will get an anxious buzz in my body and will then start to either feel panic or hostility.

Boring meeting - think about other things while playing with my hair or tapping my pencil. I have developed a special way of cupping my hands in my lap so I can twiddle my thumbs without anyone seeing. I am good at reading people so I will watch the interpersonal dynamics in meetings to keep myself busy. If I have to pay attention I will take notes verbatim so I can remember what was said.

Big and complex task. It it’s something I have to do by myself, I’ll procrastinate and then work flat out at the last minute. Or, I’ll plan it out (I’m good at planning) and then procrastinate. My last job involved managing many big and complex tasks. It turns out that I enjoy the planning part and can hyper focus on the planning but not the doing, so I was a very successful and effective team manager.

Most of my friends are ND. They’re unpredictable in conversation! Sometimes they apologise for changing the subject midway through the chat, but I don’t notice this and if I do, I am generally engaged in what they say so I don’t mind. I have a very low tolerance for people who speak slowly and if I am able to predict what someone is about to say often, I would probably be off finding someone else to talk to. I have been told I check out of conversations - my eyes glaze over - and have worked at making more effort to stay focussed. Medication has made all the difference here.

With medication, I am able to not only tolerate but also enjoy many more boring situations and conversations these days. It would have been helpful to be able to make these connections during my younger years instead of always been compelled to move on quickly. However I have enjoyed a very varied and exciting life which I might not have had if I had not been ND.

Perhaps many NT people are also impatient, but are able to employ strategies that help them remain in everyday situations that I would have found intolerable. You only get an ADHD diagnosis if your traits are debilitating.

I don’t have adhd. I would still struggle with some of these things

a long and repetitive task
i procrastinate a lot. Stop every few mins to look at my phone. Boring repetitive tasks like sorting washing take me triple the time they should sometimes. I hate being bored. I would eventually get the task done though. Although when it comes to Christmas wrapping my DH takes over because I just get nowhere.

a boring meeting
i doodle a lot.

a big and complex task that you don’t really know how to get going with?
i do often find it really hard to get going with big tasks and often delay starting them. Once I get going with them I get quite absorbed and want to get it completed. I find music helps

knowing what someone’s going to say before they’re half way through the sentence - are you able to maintain natural responses, eg. surprise or laughter or concern, when you can’t express them at the moment you feel them because that would interrupt the speaker?
yes I don’t have a problem with this.

Interesting thread. I definitely don't have adhd, but I'm very odd/wierd, and do have quite a few autistic traits.

From your list, the first 3 I see as the same. Which bits do you struggle with? Because long repetitive tasks I love, they arc so easy, you know what you are doing. I enjoy all meetings even if they are long and boring, I just accept that, what else would I be doing either my time. Yes I could be doing other tasks, but they'll wait. Or I'd do some other tasks at the save time. Or I'd tell the person later subtly and politely what I think and that I can't afford to attend future ones. Breaking down tasks into bits is easy enough. Why worry about it going wrong? What's the worse case scenario. Who even cares if it goes wrong. Never worry about what's outside of your control, because that's a pointless emotion.

The social skills of prediction is hard if you have theory-of-mind issues, which is classic ASD or Asperger's trait. But really, would any of your friends really care? All you need to do is listen, smile, offering a friendly support, " goodness, I'm sorry to hear that, that must've been tough, how did that affect you / what did you do next"?

Procrastination, putting things off. Just try not to. At the start, remind yourself of this. I mean we all do it. But funnily enough when we do finally do it, it's actually quite satisfying, a) to complete, and b) often it's not as bad as we thought and c) we then wonder why we didn't do it before?

So try and remind yourself of this, regularly, at the start.

My close friend every year puts off doing one clients accounts, and I myself delayed doing a VAT return, and then when we have eventually done it, we phone eachother and laugh and wonder why we put it off.