Newborn will only sleep on me

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And by on me - I mean on me. He is 10 days old. He won't sleep next to me in a safe co sleeping position, he will only sleep on me. Dummies, white noise, swaddling etc do not work. DH works nights and goes back to work in 3 days so we cannot sleep in shifts.

Is there anything I can do?!

At the moment I lie flat on my back with a v pillow facing away from me and baby lies on my chest but flat on his back with his head facing away from me, propped up slightly on the v pillow so he can't fall off. Kept that way he will do a 3 hour stretch at a time before waking for a feed.

Are you breastfeeding OP?

I can't advise about bottle, but could you feed him in your double bed, cushions one side, so he is effectively feeding lying on side next to you until he falls asleep?

And then give him lots of flat room on you bed, you sleep next to him as he sleeps from say 7pm onwards, H finds somewhere else to sleep for a bit?

Dream feeding it might be called. Must be something similar if he's bottle fed.

Does baby sleep snuggled into you, with you on your side? Sort of the same as being on you, with skin to skin. If not, could it be something to do with the position? We had a few weeks where dd would only sleep in 'tiger in the tree' position and it was because she had a sore tummy.

I’m sorry to say my son was like this for the first 5 months. We did take shifts but failing that you will need your husband to allow you to nap when possible and have a few hours sleep on weekends. Any friends that can give you a hand?

I’m at a different stage of sleep hell to you at the moment OP but I just want to say I hear you and sympathise. It is so frustrating when you’ve tried everything and no one can help you. I can not get my 7 month baby to sleep longer than 40 mins without going on the boob and well-meaning people say “have you tried a bottle?” YES OF COURSE I HAVE!! Every day for MONTHS! “Have you tried a dummy?” OMG YES!

So not actual practical help and advice here but just want to show some solidarity. I hope this resolves for you soon. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but one time you’ll put him down on his back and he’ll just stay sleeping.

Normal I'm afraid! Like you said, you have to work out the least unsafe option.

Your DH works nights - what times? He can give you a couple hours stretch before or after. Safe cosleeping is safer than falling asleep on sofa. If your baby will sleep in a snugglepod, is it safer than on your chest? Everyone will go on about 'safe sleep' but we don't live in a perfect world. You have to consider the safest option you have available to you.

The problem is everyone is so utterly black and white about it that I find it really difficult.

My husband works nights 7-7 and he also works away 2 weeks out of 4.

We used a sleepyhead with my first and purflo with my second. I know a lot of people who have used them for overnight sleep. My rationale was that it had to be safer than falling asleep holding the baby - my first particularly would only sleep on me for the first 6 weeks or so. Are you looking after your elder child? Mine was at nursery when the second arrived so I lay down to sleep when they started one of those long stretches in the day they will do at the beginning. If you've got both of them on your own, is there anyone you can enlist to help in the day?

I'm sorry it's really tough. Both mine hated being swaddled and white noise only helped when they were sleeping independently in a cot.

Really normal & a hard phase to get through unfortunately! Have you tried a sling/ baby carrier? That worked best for me

Of course but how does that help me get any sleep at night?!

Try changing the daytime naps routine, once you manage this nighttime will follow.
Often if you have a piece of your clothing in cot, ie a top/jumper you've worn that day - I used to use an old cardigan upside down like a blanket. It does work & have also used for lots of babies I look after as a childminder who's mum's have said they only sleep with/on them.

Propped up by some pillows with baby carrier on.. it was the 'safest' way for me as no risk of baby falling off me. A lot of things are deemed unsafe but sleep deprivation is also very unsafe. Good luck

He's pretty good during the day.

Does your baby go to sleep if you go out for a walk in the pram?

I was exactly this with DS1. Like PP’s have said, I just had to sleep with him on me and make it as safe as I could otherwise I never would have slept. I don’t recommend it but when you are in that position, you have to do what you can to get some sleep. It was an extremely hard transition to get him to sleep in the next to me and we had friends and family say ‘well he won’t be 20 and still sleeping on your chest’ which is all well and good but when I needed sleep then, I couldn’t have cared less how he sleeps in 20 years!

The suggestion of the baby sling or carrier when propped up is something I genuinely never thought of but you might feel more comfortable than if you were just holding him? Needs to be the right sling / carrier obviously.

Ah OP 💐 I posted this exact thread a year ago and received very lovely replies about the fourth trimester, baby only knows your body, it won't last forever etc. HV said exactly the same. Everyone very kind but no-one could give a solution as such. Meanwhile I was losing my mind trying to stay awake 24/7.

In the end I landed on propping myself up, like you have been doing, and I slept very very lightly with her on my chest between feeds. If I felt particularly out of it, I tried putting her down in her bassinet. Every now and again she tolerated it for a bit, and gradually the stretches got a bit longer. When things went awry again later we co-slept for a little while - I'd BF her to sleep on a fold out double bed and she slept on her back in the crook of my arm.

I don't think there's a perfect solution (as in one that meets all the safe sleep guidance) in this situation, which drove me nuts. But things do change very quickly. You will absolutely get there.

Do you have a very big bed? We only have a double so with DH in the bed co- sleeping as a norm was never do-able for safety reasons.
But on the really bad night's I sent DH down on the sofa and just laid baby next to me.
You may just have to learn to forego a pillow and use a sleeping bag or wrap yourself up in the duvet like a caterpillar around your waist!
At least with a newborn if you make sure they aren't anywhere near the edge, there is no worry about them rolling out or wriggling down under the covers.

Ok, so I'd try making something to see if baby will sleep next to you or in crib - purflow/sleepyhead, towel in pillow etc. And DH takes baby 7am-10am to give you a stretch before going to bed himself? Also if baby will sleep in pram most bassinet are rated for overnight sleep. You could get baby to sleep in pram and carry bassinet up, or take the pram up and get a rock-it and see if that will keep baby asleep.

I know a few that did use a baby carrier and slept in an armchair so couldn't roll.

Ahh OP. I remember those days, it genuinely nearly broke me. DS would only sleep on me and nothing I could do. So I ended up using my common sense and set us up in a sleeping position that I deemed safe. Would it have been in line with safe sleeping guidelines? NO! Did it allow me & baby to sleep & function? Yes. Sometimes you have to do your own risk assessment and use your judgment. DS eventually settled with cosleeping after the first few weeks and things got a bit easier. Looking back now, I wish I'd listened to our bodies and used my judgment sooner rather than drove myself crazy with the guidelines.

Now, I absolutely do not encourage you to risk the safety of your baby, but the guidelines are exactly that, guidelines and not two babies are the same. I hope you find the best solution for you both. Sending hugs x

Real people aren't so black and white when they've had a baby like yours. It's all grey with "as safe as possible" as the mantra. You need sleep to function, you having no sleep is just as dangerous.

I remember lying on my back with baby on my chest and sleeping for 3 hours. Sounds awful now but I needed it to function.

Can you afford any help? Newborn and another child is tough without local support. Sending you Internet support.

Hi OP
I feel your pain
i went through it with my first. It was hell! Dh would let me sleep for 30min-1hr and then he would sleep the rest of the night while I held baby… all night…
we attached the next to me to the bed and I eventually (after weeks of practice) managed to sleep with baby in contact, me sideways, with half of me in the crib (arm, head)

the whole 20 min thing never worked for me
the swaddle was a no go
eventually a sleepin bag helped but it still took a long while.

eventually we practiced in the day. It took months.

breastfeeding sidelying helps massively but I found it such a struggle at the beginning because of how small baby was.

have you tried cuddling? Are you breastfeeding?

sending you love.. it’s exhausting! I’m about to go through it all again in 4-5 months

Mine was fine swaddled till she was maybe 3 weeks old then hated anything over her arms and now will only go To sleep on me as well she is 8 weeks old . I wait until she is in a deep sleep and move her it's all I can do z

Echoing the above: as safe as possible while allowing you to get at least some sleep. The guidelines surely don’t take into account how unsafe looking after an infant is if you haven’t slept for days.

I also got a snuza hero (clip on nappy breathing monitor). I expect there’s an argument it can make you complacent but it reassured me a bit.

At 10 days old?!

Are you breastfeeding? If so, could try feeding to sleep lying down in the C position around the baby? Only thing that worked with my two at that age... Good luck!!