Why to men always feel the need to tell me about their wives?

[Mousefoot]

My social life is such that I meet a few new people most weeks. I find that men, often I. The first few sentences will mention their wife or their partner, often completely out of context. They'll find a way to say I went with mt wife, or my GF said....

It doesn't matter as such. I'm not chasing them in any way, just trying to make polite conversation in the same way I do with the women I meet, I just find it interesting.

Are they assuming that I must fancy them? Are they protecting themselves from themselves or from me? Is it really just a natural thing? Or am I doing something that makes them feel the need to get it out there? Does it happen to everyone?

If takes a difference, I'm middle aged and very ordinary looking, quite the introvert, but making an effort.

It's funny, all the guys I meet through work I don't fancy openly name drop their wives and kids. All the men I could potentially fancy can talk to me for hours and somehow never drop in that their wife had twins last week, and I also forget to tell them about my DC, c'est La vie!

BTW I would never ever shag an attached man, I have enough on my plate with the unattached ones.

Exactly! If all men think I'm flirting with them, none of them do anything about it. That's not great for the ego, so let's assume it's not that 😆

Actually I would say most do. I certainly do. Because that's who I spend most of my time with. Not because everyone must obviously fancy me and I'm making them understand I'm sadly unavailable

"Yes it was a lovely weekend, my husband and I went to the beach and met up with some old friends on the sea front. You?"

And you take from that I'm shoving my relationship status in your face to warn you off?

I went to the beach. With my husband. So I said that.

Also because you're a woman and so are they, it can be like they're trying to find a 'connection' to you.
I often find my DH comes up pretty soon in the conversation when I'm chatting to men of a similar age to us. It is that connection thing I believe.
Similarly when I attend a toddler group, I bring up what my LO is doing, at the vets I talk about my dog with the other clients etc.

I actually think it's a good thing that men bring up their significant others in conversations with the opposite sex. There's plenty out there that would chance their arm if they thought they were being flirted with so, actually, the decent ones set their status to unavailable by mentioning their OHs.

Sometimes the wifey mentionitis is completely out of context and doesn't flow with the conversation/question and that is when you get the feeling they think you're flirting with them so they just want to set things straight.

If it doesn't happen to you, it's difficult to understand the difference between "yeah my wife said the same thing" type of comment which would totally flow with the conversation and "oh did I mention me and [name] - my wife - went to the theatre yesterday" when the conversation was actually about the olympics. There's a shift in body language too.

you must be giving off a vibe which makes them feel they need to make sure the battle lines are drawn... to be fair, i don't think its a bad thing... shows they have respect for their wives and partners

OP it's because if a woman talks to a man, makes conversation then obviously she fancies him (joke!). But seriously, men do think this way! It's a thing. Twatty and big headed of them but yes they do.

I would counter it by going on about your other half / date / husband as soon as they mention it - even if not true. Or even better - get in there first!

I recognise what you are saying OP, and feel a lot of PPs haven't experienced it at it's weirdest so won't get it!

I have experienced it a fair bit but it was chronic in my 20s and early 30s. And usually middle aged men. And I wasn't looking, or flirting or remotely interested. Just polite.

At one point it happened about 3 times in one week. It wasn't a case at all of men just chatting about their SOs. They wanted me to KNOW they were taken. And I didn't need to know. It was utterly irrelevant.

The time it happen 3 x in one week, I actually ended up snapping. I was paying at a petrol pump. I literally said, number 3 please, no thanks I don't need a receipt...literally nothing else and the cashier looked angry at me,
practically threw the change at me and said "I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!"

I was in no way flirty. His behaviour was utterly unhinged. I looked down to see was I accidentally showing cleavage or something that could be seen as a come on as I was just very confused. It was a Tesco pump so lots of other customers in line and they looked as confused as me. Anyway, I snapped "good for you but I was just paying for my petrol, not asking about your personal life!" and stormed out.

Next time it happened the same week, my parents had asked me to let the builders into their house. I'd just met them, showed them where to go, asked them did they want a brew...all men about mid 50s. I brought a plate of biscuits too and one (overweight, 30 years older, not a looker in any way) snapped, "Look love, I'm not being funny but I have a young wife."

I stared him down and said, "I don't understand what a plate of biscuits has to do with your young wife? Why did you feel the need to tell me that? It's just some biscuits, take them or leave them, I don't care either way." and he said "I just didn't want you to get the wrong impression that I was available when I'm not". ???

His workmate looked pretty bemused then later told my Mum I was pretty feisty for a teenager and said they were wondering if I was doing GCSEs or A-Levels...I was 25. So even sicker that a 55 year old thought a 16 year old would be interested in him!

I'd also had the experience of just meeting a man at a hobby or conference or whatever and them going, "Hi, I'm Nick, and you are?" "Hi Nick, I'm Perky, great to meet you. Are you enjoying the event? "Yeah...just to be upfront...I have a wife haha!" A) I wasn't interested, or coming on to them, B) THEY approached ME to start the conversation.

I was always so confused. Men did always shoe horn their relationship status in asap.
It was weird.

I was friends with a guy for a couple of years before we ended up together, and when we first met he did it to me! I wasn't attracted to him at all initially and he wasn't single but we were work colleagues and I said very early on, "Wow, what a cool watch!" (it was a Dr Who Tardis one and very eye catching) and he got very angry at me and said "My GIRLFRIEND got it for me!!!" shook his head and stormed off, looking disgusted. Again, I couldn't understand what I'd done.

A few years later when we were on a date we were stood at a bar and I said to the (again much older) man next to me, "excuse me, can I just reach over and grab a straw please?" and he handed me one and apologetically said "there you go but I am actually taken, love".

I gestured to the 6"5 fella on the other side of me with his arm round my waist and said..."yeah, so am I. I wasn't flirting. I was asking for a straw!" My BF burst out laughing and I asked him why this kept happening to me, reminding him of the watch event and look of disgust he gave me and he said that in all honesty it was guilt on his behalf, I hadn't done anything wrong but he was attracted to me, I was talking to him and he felt that most men take a nice polite woman, being nice and polite as a come on. He said he was tempted and lashed out at me rather than realising it was his issue. I asked him what I should do to stop it happening and he said "don't smile or make eye contact"!!!

As it so happens...having the exact same personality and manners but turning 40, getting fat and not being "pretty" anymore killed it dead. Which suggests it was a shallow looks based thing all along.

I have still noticed though that some men seem to mention their marital status very early and when it's not relevant at all. At Zoom meetings or work related getting to know each other circles;

"Hello I'm Tanya, I'm from the HR Department, some of you will already have met me as part of the recruitment process, so hello again. I've been working for the University for 12 years,
initially in admissions but for the past 3 years I've moved over to onboarding in HR etc etc"

"Thanks, Tanya, yes, I'm Dave. Married! Yes...ummmmm I've been married to my beautiful and better half Elle for the past 8 and a half years now. Yep. Yep so there's that...two kids and everything...erm where was I? Oh yes...I'm the Dean for Teaching and Learning in the Business Faculty and will be your Line Manager, new recruits!"

It's happened too many times for it not to be a thing.

I was once the only woman in a Zoom
breakout with 3 men and they just talked about the fact that they were
married in a congratulatory manner and never got round to the questions until the 60
second warning.

"Hi I'm Tom...I'm married to Helen...for the past 20 years now, together for 23, 4 kids. Helen is a nurse....

"I'm Ben...like Tom I'm married but a newlywed! Esther and I just got married in June...yeah so it's all a bit new haha, I need some tips from you Tom...erm yeah I dunno maybe we should actually talk about erm Sustainable Practice? Erm... instead of my wife? But haha yeah married life is great!"

"If I may chip in, I'm Barry and Ben and Tom I can beat you both - married 37 years to my childhood sweetheart Joanne! So if you need longevity tips haha...well yeah I'd agree marriage is great. My wife always says ...."

blah blah blah

Nothing at all to do with anything we should be discussing, especially in a short time frame when we're expected to feed back. Odd. Sweet. But odd.

"Wife mentionitis". In these cases it's not done for my benefit. Maybe it's more a, "Hey look! Someone married me! Aren't I great?! I HAVE A WIFE!!! I made it!!!" thing? Like they define themselves by it?

It's quite sweet really.

Women ime tend to mention their kids first...and quite early on too.

Well if you fancy him, he might be right.

I do think maybe women should have a few retorts lined up for when this happens.

"Don't worry I wasn't trying to chat you up!" said with a tinkly laugh, or other more appropriate call out.

LOL.

The best one I ever saw/heard was a colleague who (like me) was autistic and (not like me) very blunt/deadpan ....

"Nice to meet you, Glen, I'm Angelica."

"Wow...Angelica...so Angellllllica, tell me are you actually ANGELIC?"

"Ummmm. No. Not at all. I was quite naughty as a child really. Not angelic."

"Right...wow. Naughty Angelica...haha. Look. Angelica. I do have wife."

"Oh do you? I'd quite like a wife!"

"You'd like a wife?"

"Yes! I'd really like to have a wife, I think. I'm lesbian and just assumed I'd never get married when I was little. But now I can! I'd like to be able to say my wife this and my wife that."

His little face. It was a picture.

I have experienced this. Totally unflirty basic interactions They often look a bit panicked and blurt out something about a wife/girlfriend in a way that seems incongruous to the chat. It's annoying and patronising and totally different from a man mentioning his wife/gf in an easy and natural way in the general course of conversation, which of course happens and is never an issue.

I think it's one of two things. Either they fancy you, panic and mention their wife because they feel guilty. Alternatively, they can't differentiate a bog standard convo from someone flirting with them because you're a woman, so assume you're chatting them up.

Best example, a shop assistant talking a guy through a computer spec in a shop. I saw them across the shop, approached as I was looking for a computer and that was one I was interested in. The shop assistant went to assist another customer as I reached them. Consequently, I asked the guy whether the shop assistant had mentioned if it had a certain feature. He looked panicked and awkwardly shoe horned a mention of his wife into his first sentence. As if I was cruising around a computer shop looking for men, rather than the 100 percent more likely option of trying to buy a computer.

I just tend to say "ok, thanks for sharing". There's usually A Look that goes with it but I'm not sure how to describe that

I'm a saggy, menopausal old hag now and it still happens to me so I don't think it's just about looks. Maybe I give off desperation vibes now or something...

There are countless threads on Mumsnet where posters say that it's not ok for men and women to be friends, that it's concerning if a man mentions a female colleague at work, if there's any (even boring) texts, if they have lunch together etc.

Him coming home and mentioning in passing like "Oh the exhibition? Jane went there last weekend and said it was lovely," would be met with suspicion and questions of who Jane is. To find out Jane doesn't know he's married would be a LTB offence.

I don't agree with it but I think a lot of women would really prefer their husbands not to socialise with women wherever possible and so mentioning they're married might be to appease their potentially suspicious wives if later needed.

Thats because men are all bastards on here out to cheat, lie, abuse and assault at every given opportunity. To be honest I'm surprised half of the people on here are in relationships with their vitriol.

There are so many double standards in the posts - not taking rings on holiday for example. It's ok for women to do it because of suncream, they are expensive, they may get robbed but if a man does it he is obviously going to cheat.

I tend to stay on the supportive forums for actual advice as honestly a lot of the posts and subs are cesspits if theres mention of men. Even if this topic they cant do right for doing wrong. Mention their wife and it's obvious they think you fancy them and its pathetic and arrogant or don't mention them and you're wasting their time and leading them on.

that's a good one, must remember!

Quantum leap there, someone mentions their life partner = they think I am attracted to them.

If I tall about myself at all my DH and kids get mentioned, I can't see how you wouldn't to be honest unless the conversation is strictly work related. Maybe some women avoid mentioning their family life in the initial small talk stage as they are trying to establish themselves independently in their career and don't want the usual prejudices forming.

I think a lot of men do assume all women fancy them!

It might also be a kind of bragging that they HAVE a partner - I've noticed men who are currently single tend to talk about their exes a lot so I'm assuming it's connected!