Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DS’s friend’s phone use is affecting the friendship WWYD?

54 replies

TerrorAustralis · 31/07/2024 14:45

TL;DR DS’s friend is constantly on his phone when they are together and it’s making DS not want to spend time with him. Would you say anything to the parents?

DS has a good friend, let’s call him Jimmy. He’s a nice kid. DS and Jimmy have been great mates since they were 6, they’re now 13. They were in primary together, but now at different schools. I’m friends with Jimmy’s mum too. Not extremely close, but we do socialise a bit and I like her.

They have different rules around technology to us, meaning Jimmy has more access to his phone and social media than DS.

The last few times Jimmy has been over, I’ve noticed he is on his phone a lot. He’s got one ear bud in almost constantly. Combined with the fact that he has some hearing loss, this is a problem. If you don’t see the ear bud, you can be talking to him and he’s got no idea you’re speaking to him. He’s constantly watching Snap reels (or whatever they’re called) or messaging other people.

Jimmy will put his phone away when I ask him to (e.g. during dinner) and he accepts that we don’t allow phones in the bedroom overnight. But as soon dinner is over or they’re awake in the morning, he’s back on the phone.

Last time DS stayed over at his place, Jimmy was talking on the phone until 3am, keeping DS awake too.

The last time he was here, I could sense DS getting a bit fed up. After Jimmy left, DS complained about Jimmy being on his phone all the time and saying they might as well not even spend any time together. They’re due to spend time together again soon, and DS isn’t really keen anymore.

Would you say anything to Jimmy’s mum, or just let it play out? I’d be very sad for their friendship to be lost over this. And I certainly don’t want to say anything to Jimmy’s mum that will make her feel like I’m judging her parenting.

OP posts:
TonTonMacoute · 31/07/2024 14:56

WWID?

Nothing, keep out of it.

TeenToTwenties · 31/07/2024 15:00

I would say to your DS that he has 3 options, put up with it, speak to his friend, or just don't arrange further meetups.

Gelasring · 31/07/2024 15:02

I don't see how you can possibly say anything to his mum without sounding judgy.

It's normal for friendships to ebb and flow or die out altogether as kids grow up. If your son's not enjoying his time with him right now then just let it play out.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Original poster
TerrorAustralis · 31/07/2024 15:02

TeenToTwenties · 31/07/2024 15:00

I would say to your DS that he has 3 options, put up with it, speak to his friend, or just don't arrange further meetups.

That’s pretty much what I said to him. DS said when he’s said something about it, Jimmy puts his phone down for a minute and then is back on it.

OP posts:
BippityBopper · 31/07/2024 15:38

I would say something. I am of the "it takes a village. . ." mentality and the screen time seems excessive to the point of bring unsociable. It will be sure to affect him as he gets older. In fact, it's already affecting him as his friend doesn't want to be around him.

Creamteasandbumblebees · 04/08/2024 13:58

I would speak to his Mum, something along the lines of
"I'm really sorry but I think we are going to have to cancel the next play date, DS gets really upset every time Jimmy comes over as he's on his phone constantly with an ear bud in and pretty much ignores DS. He also finds it really difficult to sleep when Jimmy is talking to other people all night"
This may come across as less judgy as it's more about your DS feelings rather than you criticising.

beanii · 04/08/2024 13:58

No, just let it fizzle out.

Almostneverunreasonable · 04/08/2024 14:04

Nothing, at 13 your DS can manage his own friendships.

Lemonsallday · 04/08/2024 14:07

Creamteasandbumblebees · 04/08/2024 13:58

I would speak to his Mum, something along the lines of
"I'm really sorry but I think we are going to have to cancel the next play date, DS gets really upset every time Jimmy comes over as he's on his phone constantly with an ear bud in and pretty much ignores DS. He also finds it really difficult to sleep when Jimmy is talking to other people all night"
This may come across as less judgy as it's more about your DS feelings rather than you criticising.

They’re teenagers though. They don’t have play dates

I think leave your ds to it. Friendships often fizzle out at this age. He’s old enough to decide who he does and doesn’t want to hang out with

mummybear35 · 04/08/2024 14:12

Friends outgrow each other, I wouldn’t get involved. How his parents bring him up with regards to technology etc is nothing to do with you. If your son doesn’t enjoy spending time with Jimmy any more, let it go…he’ll find others who he does enjoy spending time with. At that age, parents should no longer micro manage their friendships, they have to learn to navigate it themselves, it’s how they learn later in life how to choose the friends they want around them.

Fullyflavoured · 04/08/2024 14:12

I'd say nothing and I certainly wouldn't be talking to his parents about 'play dates' for 13 year olds. I think it's up to your DS if he wants to continue the friendship or not.

Sinderalla · 04/08/2024 14:16

Stay out of it. It's not your business.
What is your business is who you spend your time with.
Don't spend your time with people you don't want to, same for DS
Then later when asked why did DS stop spending time with DS you can stay cause he was always on his phone

Thingsthatgo · 04/08/2024 14:19

My DS would be pretty mortified if I got involved with this. If he won't put his phone away I would suggest he invites other friends over.

skyeisthelimit · 04/08/2024 14:21

DD had this with her friend a few years ago, so we didn't have her over again on a sleepover. She wanted to watch a film on her phone and DD said there was no point in her being there.

Sadly the parents have created this situation by allowing the constant phone use so I doubt they will care if you say anything to them.

Let the friendship dwindle, and if they ask why, then you can be honest.

Your DS needs to tell him straight, that the phone use is affecting the friendship so he needs to get off it or don't come round any more.

This is why I have always encouraged DD to not be on her phone and to engage with friends and actually do stuff together rather than be on their phones the whole time.

One of her friends now would rather sit in her room on her phone than hang out with DD. It is very sad. The same friend was also on her phone until the early hours and then couldn't get up for school in the morning. The parents did take the phone away when they realised.

mm81736 · 04/08/2024 14:22

He is13!! Boundaries, op, boundaries!!

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 04/08/2024 14:23

At 13 and having been friends that long, if this was me and my mates way back then (not that we had smartphones then), one of the Mums would have said directly to the friend "Put your bloody phone down!".
They're 13 for gods sake you don't need to speak to his Mum. Either tell the lad yourself that it's bloody rude or get your son to be more assertive or let the friendship naturally fizzle out!

Lovetotravel123 · 04/08/2024 14:23

I think I would just encourage my child to nurture other friendships. Maybe Jimmy will then learn the natural consequence of his habit.

Thatsthebottomline · 04/08/2024 14:28

At 13 this is a great opportunity for your son to learn what he does and doesn’t find acceptable. I dont think you should do anything, but if your son asks for help then ask questions about how he feels about it.



Let him control his actions and he’ll be able to deal with similar issues in future=.

SauviGone · 04/08/2024 14:29

If you think the friendship is all but over anyway then I'd message the parents, to give them the opportunity to teach their child some manners.

"Hey Friend's Mum, DS has cancelled Jimmy coming over here. There's just no point, Jimmy ignores DS and spends the whole time here constantly on his phone with an ear bud in. Hope to see you around some time!"

Buddysbunda · 04/08/2024 14:32

It sounds like Jimmy isnt that keen anymore either if he would rather be messaging and interacting with people other than your son. I have teenagers and their friendships ebb and flow, it's very normal especially at around 12/13 when maturity levels can differ so much between them. Id stay out of it but encourage my kid to work on other friendships.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 04/08/2024 14:35

13 is too old to go to his mum.

Ds needs to suck it up, tell his friend how he feels or distance himself from the friendship. It’s ok to outgrow and move on from friendships and good that he has boundaries.

Crumpleton · 04/08/2024 14:39

If he cancels is it going to have a major effect on the friendship..is it even still a close friendship?

Does he have friends from school his time would be better spent with?

IMO I really can't see the point of Jimmy coming over if all he does is spend the time on his phone, stopping only to eat food that you supply only to then go back on his phone once he's eaten.

Edited for obvious reasons if post read.

Pterodacty1 · 04/08/2024 14:40

I think this mate is indifferent to spending time with your DS.

As a parent, stay out of it.

Balloonhearts · 04/08/2024 14:44

Creamteasandbumblebees · 04/08/2024 13:58

I would speak to his Mum, something along the lines of
"I'm really sorry but I think we are going to have to cancel the next play date, DS gets really upset every time Jimmy comes over as he's on his phone constantly with an ear bud in and pretty much ignores DS. He also finds it really difficult to sleep when Jimmy is talking to other people all night"
This may come across as less judgy as it's more about your DS feelings rather than you criticising.

Play date?!!! Did you miss the bit where they're 13?

Thepurplecar · 04/08/2024 15:22

You want to control someone else's DC and you're giving your son the impression that this is the right thing to do and that Jimmy is wrong.

Why is Jimmy on his phone? Had any attempt been made to ascertain this? Perhaps he's not engaged in what what else is being offered, perhaps he's not enjoying you DS's company. Perhaps he finds being in a different environment overwhelming.

It's likely Jimmy will have picked up on the disapproval and likely won't want to come back. He's a human being with his own needs as opposed to a tool for your son's entertainment. If your DS genuinely wants a solution - as opposed to dictating how his friends behave - then he might want to establish some common ground. Interests change at that age, they may simply have grown apart. But be aware that for some people phones use can be a form of stimming in stressful situations and your home sounds quite stressful for someone of a sensitive disposition.