DM embarrassed/belittled me at event

[jpbee]

For context: I'm very close to my DM and consider her a friend.

At weekend I hosted a party for my DD. It was a couple of hours long at a hired venue and I spent most of that rushing round making sure everything went well. That was fine by me, I enjoy being in control of things. Several people told me what a great event it was and how organised I am/how well I do at these things. I felt proud of putting on a nice event for my DD and guests.

My DM was there and DH. They both did their part but mostly leave me to it, which again is fine by me. I do recall DM saying she couldn't make jugs of cordial though when I asked if she could help, she said she wouldn't know how to do it?! I didn't comment though and just made them myself later on.

Anyway, it was tidy up time and a family friend (FF) from DH side offered to help in the kitchen with me. DM was there too and she works at the place although not in the kitchens, but generally knows where things are. I asked which of the 3 sinks was best to wash up in and could sense a sarcastic tone when she responded and said I can use any. So I went to the sink and FF did too saying she would dry up. DM was hovering over us while we figured out where everything was but not actually telling us anything. There was no plug in sight or washing up liquid... She rudely told me I didn't need a plug (???) - I eventually found and used one. And then we tried to find washing up liquid which was in a cupboard beneath the drainer, FF found it first and DM remarked "It's a good job you're here, Vitahelp is hopeless". Note: she also used my full name, think Alexandra rather than Alex. Luckily FF responded "No she isn't' and DM them said something along the lines of "well look at her, she's flapping around not getting anything done". I was stood right there, yet she was talking like I wasn't in the room! She then brought the cake knife over and said "I don't think Vitahelp can be trusted to wash this, perhaps you should do it FF". I cook everything from scratch at home and use and wash knives every day?!

I took it in my stride at the time as just wanted to get things done. But after the event I felt quite upset/shaken and like she really put a dampener on what had been a lovely day. A few of us went for a coffee afterwards and FF brought it up and said she had been taken by surprise at what was said and hoped she had responded in the right way.

For context, DM has very occasionally put me down in the past but I'm talking once a year and usually when I have done something a bit daft and not usually in front of anyone else. This time was different because I hadn't done anything silly in fact I'd just pulled off a great event and put a lot of effort in. Also he fact it was in front of someone else who she hasn't met that many times. I can't believe the way she did it, addressing it to FF as though I wasn't even there?!

Anyway I think I just want to rant, as I know what I should be doing is telling her all of this but I just don't feel like doing that. Anyone got any similar tales?

Ask her what was going on in her head if it’s out of character and you’re usually close?

I’ll be honest and say that would have barely registered with me. It was two mildly snide remarks in a private situation, with only a FF as witness. I thought you were going to say she’d given you some kind of public dressing-down in front of everyone attending the party! I can’t imagine registering her saying whatever she said about plugs or not knowing how to make cordial, unless you’re usually at daggers drawn…

Was your mother rattled about something that had happened at the party? Her washing-up related remarks sound like the kind of thing someone would say to re-establish themselves in their position as authority/in charge/in the know.

If it is out of character talk to your mum, tell her how she made you feel. Keep an eye on her for any more examples of change in her character. There could be something more going on.

Just guessing... had she had a few? My mum can get a bit like that after the bar opens.

@BikesIHaveLost Thanks for replying and giving a different take on the story. I know what you mean...when I typed it all out I did think maybe it isn't even that bad. It's just I couldn't say I've ever heard an adult talk to another adult like that, unless they are mid-argument/in a bad place with each other. It was just uncomfortable and just very unexpected/unnecessary.

I think the cordial thing stuck in my mind because it seemed ironic her saying I'm hopeless when she couldn't even make some jugs of cordial.

If I'm honest I think she probably feels a bit silly in these types of situations/events where she is 'Grandma' and should traditionally be busy doing things and helping (her mother was very much that type and used to virtually run my childhood parties, she was just made for that type of thing). The thing is I accept her as she is, I don't expect her to do anything, she isn't my staff. I suspect the dig was in response to feeling a bit useless herself.

For as long as I can remember my mother has made snide comments to me when I have managed to achieve something that has gone well and other people have enjoyed themselves. My brother asked her once why and she replied " To keep her in her place "
I understand your mother really hurt you, totally unnecessary and you didn't deserve that.

@Wolfpa You could be right. It's a drip feed but we have a family situation at the moment regarding selling a deceased family members home and there has been quite a lot of upset and she has been very defensive/confrontational with other family members which has never happened in our family. I think it is all getting on top of her now. This is why I don't want to confront her about this, but I still feel very down about it and can't just brush it off like I usually would in situations like this.

@SeeSeeRider No there was no alcohol at the event so not this. Having said that, those times when she has made comments like this in the past usually were in alcohol fueled situations.

@Harrriet I'm sorry to hear this. And that's awful that she gave that response, and confirmed that she was deliberately trying to get you down. I hope it doesn't become a pattern with my DM..

I thought "keeping you in your place" as well. Is your mum usually an organised and efficient person? I wonder if she felt like you were in her usual role and was put out by how well you did it, especially as it was at a place she sees as her territory.

The refusing to help you with tasks and information sounds like setting you up to fail and when you didn't, she resorted to criticism.

My mum is similar and although she comes across as bossy and organised it's actually masking low self esteem. I was hapless as a teen and young adult although I'm now fine and have a successful career, family etc. She seems happy for me but there have been several occasions like yours wheen she actually seems annoyed that I don't need her to rescue me!

If you want to bring it up, I would do so as a “FF said you made her very uncomfortable” and let her feel embarrassed for her rude behaviour. You don’t need to let her know you were hurt, you can just say you found it odd and felt sorry for FF being in that unnecessary situation.

Well, you definitely sound as if you think at some level she should have been helping more? You register that she and your DH ‘did their part’ but say that mostly you were running around handling stuff, lots of people praised you, and that she claimed she couldn’t do the one task you asked her to do, and then she didn’t help with the washing up despite knowing where things are because she works at the venue. And is it significant that your grandmother, not your mother, ran your childhood parties?

Some people ‘perform’ stuff in front of people, too — was she just making sure she established herself in front of your husband’s family friend as having power? I’d suggest she was trying to put you back in your place after you’d demonstrably handled something well, but that sounds a bit more like Napoleon on the battlefield than someone organising a child’s birthday party, and also suggests a fraught relationship which you say you don’t have…

Yes, it is upsetting and annoying when they don't help and all you get is heckling from the sidelines. This is pretty much my response to these comments 'bitch away all you want but at least I am trying'. I am now fairly immune to it after putting up with these types of comments since I was a child from my parents - but it does stick.

Those saying it's no big deal and it wouldn't register with them, the FF picked up on it and spoke to you privately about it, it must've been bad enough.
My mother often did things like this when things went well for me so I didn't get over confident. Which was ridiculous because I had absolutely no confidence whatsoever but she needed me to need her. She died just as I was about to reach adulthood and left me in a terrible way because she had raised me to be totally dependent on her and suddenly she was gone.

That's the thing, she isn't really. She isn't domesticated or into social events, so hosting a kids party isn't her thing. But I'm fine with this, she has other strengths and is a very intelligent person who also gives a lot of her time to charity.

I do wonder if she just felt a bit out of her comfort zone at the event and like she didn't know what to do with herself, and her response to that was to put me down.

From what you have described I'm quite sure that FF could see that see was trying to belittle you and drawn her own conclusions about her from her petty conduct.

@rainbow126 That's a great idea. It was very awkward for FF as it was like DM was trying to pay her a compliment by insulting me so put her in a bad position.

@BikesIHaveLost Yes I do wish she would have helped more, but I really do accept that she wont and that it isn't her thing, and didn't roll my eyes or make a remark when she said she 'couldn't' make the drinks. My grandmother was a housewife and a very domesticated person, good with kids, liked to plan events. My DM is the opposite and is a career woman. I have great respect for both and have become a combination of both which I am grateful for. The trouble is DM has now retired and become grandma herself, and I think she may struggle with who she is now.

I do think there was a performative aspect to it as well. I think it was a misguided joke and reminded me of a cocky teenager mocking their parents to get a quick laugh, when really they are struggling with insecurity themselves.

Unlike a PP, that would definitely have registered with me! I’d have been very hurt. But that’s not surprising: from your telling of it (and the fact your FF picked up on it), that was seemingly the intention.
It’s interesting you don’t feel able/inclined to ask your DM about it though. You say she has a lot going on at the moment, but I think if my DM had made a couple of scathing comments about me, and it was out of character, I’d want to ask why. You suggest you have a good relationship normally but you’re also at great pains to be fair to your DM — stressing her good points and making allowances for her behaviour. What’s stopping you from asking — gently — what prompted her comments?

I probably would have replied at least I can make cordial

My mom tried putting me down because I passed her the entire packet of unopened candles when she asked for candles for my dds birthday cake "just how old do you think your daughter is today 😂😂😂" 😒 it wasn't that funny my response was "just how many drink have you had that you can't count two candles? Perhaps I should do it?" The whole family cracked up she was mortified (she is known to overindulge)

@magicmushrooms I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. It's such an odd thing for parents to do.

@whosthefoolnow That's the funny thing, I do come across confident but actually found the party quite anxiety inducting and do second guess myself a lot, so the comments did hit me quite hard and made me doubt myself for a moment.

@BetterWithPockets I am debating over mentioning it. It's just how to bring it up, I'm not really a confrontational person and despise making people feel uncomfortable and creating awkward situations. My default is to distance myself from someone in these situations, not sulk per se, but just back away a bit.

@Theunamedcat In hindsight I wish I had said that. I was just so taken aback I didn't have time to think so was in a stunned silence. I'm grateful to FF for disagreeing with her though, she could have easily just laughed awkwardly.

Just a guess but you described your mum as a friend op, so maybe she was jealous of your ff? Or she was trying to disrupt your friendship in some way? But you would think in that case she would be rude to ff and not you?

Or she was trying to establish herself in front of your ff as “above sinks and washing up” to emphasise her importance as a career woman?

When I was a child, my mum used to do this wierd thing when I had a friend around at home that she would try so hard to make friend welcome, and not favour me, and be scrupulously fair, that it would come across like she was belittling me. When in actual fact she was trying to make friend comfortable.

In your shoes op I would talk to your mum about it and be fairly direct. Just say something calmly like “I was pretty chuffed with the way I organised that event and how it went, so just out of interest, why did you feel it necessary to say that I was hopeless in front of ff? Were you cross about something?”

It might be something simple like she had been on her feet all day and was tired and wanted to go home? And it came out all wrong.

Edited to say: maybe the fact that you are so reluctant to bring it up with your mum indicates that she is a bit domineering op? Don’t know, but you are definitely within your rights to ask.

Saw some great advice for these situations. Count to 5 then either say 'did you really say that out loud?' Or 'are you OK?' It really works!

@Applecidervinegar641 I doubt it as I don't see that much of FF as they live quite far away, and she is the same age as me so not really on a par with DM.

That's really interesting that you say that about the weird thing your Mum used to do. Now I think about it, my DM has done a similar thing several times where she puts me down in order to big someone else up. Essentially its what she did at weekend.

I probably do need to say something but it fills me with dread and guilt.